Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Sundays;The end & the begining of the week.

I'm so shallowly analytical, it bores the hell outta me. Which is probably why I enjoy reading blogs. Some I can live vicariously thru, some, I can laugh uncontollably at, some I can actually learn things from, and some I can feel falsely superior to. And still others I enjoy connecting with on some sorta cyber level. (And what that "level" means, I have absolutely no idea) I guess for me, its like looking inside of people, you will never meet, or even if you met them on the street, chances are you would never have the types of conversations, or connections with them that blog reading avails itself to. Which makes blogging unique, and not really part of what day to day living is. So blogging could be escapism, or is for me, at times. Not that I don't love my life, as it is. My children, my husband, my girlfriends, my home. I am blessed, and happy with all of it. But who doesn't like a little escapism, every now and then. My battle would be to keep from allowing escapism (blogging) to become obsessive. Knowing I have tendencies towards obsessive- compulsive behavior; I consciously work to keep balance. (This great self insight courtesy of the many dimes store self help psycho babble books I have read, skimmed, or memorized.) And it is on that note, that I want to give my homegirls a couple of other blogs they may enjoy reading while watching the clock on the job. (During their official "break times " of course) hehehehe

So Lori, Jenny, Shelly and Vickie check out these blogs. Entertaining, and completely different from the lives we lead. I hope you enjoy them. Let me know....
First is http://postmoderncourtesan.com (I think the title gives you some idea on its content. And she tells stories that are easy reading and fun)
Next is http://Paranoidpromqueen.blogspot.com/ Just fun to read. Let me know what you think.
And one more for now, http://www.onechildleftbehind.com/blog.htm A guy from Seattle, a writer, who enjoys photography, AND, he loves the group JOURNEY girls! Which means right there he is worth reading, right? Let me know whatcha think!

Well today is Sunday, which means (to me) it is the end of the week, and the beginning of the week. So here is where I'll purge myself of the end, and plan for the beginning. Friday night, we did Happy Hour, which we are prone to on ocassion. This one, in the beginning was instigated by me. First, I just missed my homegirls and visiting with them, and I had a very bad case of cabin fever, brought on by not really venturing out of the house. Unless you count the several doc.'s appts. and visits to the local pharmacies for mind altering, pain killers.
Well, and I received an e-mail from my former boss/friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, where he suggested we ought to do a happy hour sometime. A good idea is a good idea, so I ran with it. I have a great deal of respect, and care about my boss/friend, and missed chatting with him. He always made me feel appreciated on the job, and was a patient trainer, and always exhorted me to do my best. And I always tried to give him just that. I sensed in him a kind heart, a caring person, and he has a subtle sense of humor, that I also always appreciated. (Anything for a laugh, even when one is working) And, for any single, attractive, 20 somthing women out there, he is also single! Any interested women??? let me know, I'll see what I can arrange!
All right back to topic, we did happy hour. Although for me, it didn't have the feel of any of our old, usual happy hours. I had a good time, and always enjoy being with this group, it was just; different. More calm, not as much laughter as usual.....this could very well be, that I was not able to have my usual cosmo's...(due to previously mentioned painkillers) Instead, I drank VIRGIN Mai Tai's. Tasty as they are, they did not lend themselves to any mood enhancing, laughter inducing loud fun. I'm not sure if anyone else felt that way, as most were drinking their usual refreshments. It was good to see those friends I hadn't seen in a while. And Jenny, thank you for coming to pick me up at my house.( I didn't want to attempt getting behind the wheel of a car, with painkillers on board.) It was good to see your Mathew too. (Her approximately 2 yr old son, who has the face of an angel) He joined us for happy hour too. Which is allowed at Applebees resturaunt.
Saturday was spent doing not a helluva a lot. Movie watching with my significant other....laying around, just "being". The kids were with their father, which mean't it too was a much more calm, and quiet sorta day. And so ended the week.
Today, I get ready for the return of my children. Which entails actually shopping for nutritional complete meals. (We scrounge on the off week) Making sure all clothes for kids are ready for school, and steeling ourselves for the inevitable arguments over homework, and anything else my darling little boy (whom privately for yrs I referred to as Satan's Spawn) finds to debate. I know, that private nickname is probably enough to get me nominated for worst mother of the year. Although I have never breathed that nickname in front of him, or to anyone who would tell him. I think it is just my way, of releasing the frustrations of motherhood, without doing anyone any physical or mental harm. Riley is my challenging child. And I would never have been nominated for mother of the year, even if I didn't have a challenging child. I have to work harder at it, then most moms. Deep down, I don't think I was gifted with the great mom gene...which means I have to work HARD at being a sufficient mother. I love Riley so very much, and am very grateful to God, for giving him the face of an angel, and a tender spirit that he shows just enough, to keep me from checking into the funny farm.
The rest of today? my husband (not me) has suggested going to the formal gown shop down the road, to search for a formal for me. Yep, he loves to shop, far more then I do. We have a formal we go to every year, called the Tempe Governor's Ball. And I managed to convince him from the very first year, that I cannot possibly be seen at the same event (even if it is annual) in the same gown. This will be our 4th year. Which means I am starting to build up a wardrobe of formals, that I will wear again , when??? A total waste of money on some counts. But now I have convinced him that yes, we need to do another Cruise, so I can get more wear out of past formals. So that is in the planning stage for next spring. (I really, really want to go to the eastern carribean!) In all honesty, it didn't take much to convice him of any of this. My husband loves to travel, and have a good time. And our formal (fondly nicknamed "The Prom") is one of the events we look forward to each year. It means staying the night at a 4 star resort,and just putting on airs for 24 hours! Somthing we both enjoy. Nothing we would want a steady diet of, as our favorite home attire is sweats. And in the summer, shorts, and T-shirts.

So that is the end and the beginning. Tomorrow is my first appt. at a Pain clinic, where hopefully after a couple of epidural steroid injections, I will be off of these mind alterring pain killers, and back to my normal, clear thinking, neurotic, spit on a skillet, and bouncing off the walls self. Fingers crossed and prayers said. And on that note, here is todays

P - T - Q

Lord, help us to be more aware of blessings you bring each new day. Thank you for the joy of loved ones near, and for the peace of quiet moments. Teach us to fully live each hour of everyday. Let us not dwell on the past or future. Then may we know the joy and beauty of this very moment. Amen

Men show their character in nothing more clearly then by what they find laughable. (Anon.)
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. (Friedrich Nietzsche, German Philospher 1844-1900)

Being married is just like any other jobs. It's much easier if you like the boss.

I hope everyone has a great start to their new week!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

A Toast; To All We Ever Find

As I was watching American Idol last night, my mind kept going back to...what can be my feel good song, to replace Wild Wild West? a song that brings a smile to my lips, and warmth in my heart, regardless of what is going on, or where I am at.....it's tough. It HAS to be special, to hold that place. And it has to be mine. I want to own it. ( In my heart, and in my mind anyway.)

I also found it ironic, that I was watching a hit TV show, that was based around music, while mulling over my choices. And I thought about what G-man http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ said regarding music, and it's meaning at different points in our life. And I do agree with him. One song cannot do it, for a lifetime. There are things we go thru in our lives that will make a song special to us, solely based on where we are, and what we are going thru at that particular time.

Which reminded me of another "special song" from the past. A song that caused me to actually buy the same CD 4 different times in my life. It was one of those sad songs, about breaking up, and how we feel we are forever changed because of it. That song for me, was Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler. I knew the words by heart, and would sing it with every bit of passionate heartbreak that I was feeling. That song was almost without hope, as she sang about, once upon a time I was falling in love, and now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart. Once upon a time, there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark, nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart. You get the picture. And for the record, that is one helluva LONG song, with a shit load of lyrics! If you want to see the rest of them, you can find em online. Since that ISN'T my song of choice, I'm not typing them all out.

OK, I am off track again. The reason I would have to continually buy it, is that when I would go thru a break up, that is what I wanted to hear, sing, and dwell on. And then, being the melodramatic soul that I am, when I would fall in love again (don't get mad at me for wasting) I would toss it into the garbage. Convinced I would never need to dwell on heartbreak again. I was optimistic anyway! This happened four different times. So I would have to say, that was "my song" off and on thru literally a couple of decades.

And then, there was one other song, that during an extremely exciting, illicit affair I had over a decade ago(for which I have long since repented of).....I played, over and over and over and over. This man made me feel like I was the whole bag of chips! That I had it all! I was "IT" I still have that CD, and I'm not really sure why. The singer, although she was a great musician, was what you would refer to as a One Hit Wonder. ( I also met her once, in a bar on the waterfront in Portland Oregon / arn't I special, lol) So one practical reason her song got lots of play time, was basically I didn't care for the rest of the CD. At all. Her name was Meredith Brooks. And her song (my song) was "Bitch" I know that sounds bad, but you would have to hear the words to understand. Bitch made me feel like Queen Shit, that who she sang about was me! Another one, I won't waste valuable typing time, putting the lyrics down. I'm sure it too is on the internet, if your so inclined to look it up. (What ISN"T on the internet?!) So, in my own life, I am seeing the practical application of G-mans opinion on music.

But for me, I'm gonna deal in the here and now. My song now. Every bit as significant as anything from the past. More so actually. Because it's now. My new song also has a story behind it. My then fiance' (now husband) picked this song, for us to dance to,at our wedding reception.

We didn't have a big wedding. Quite the opposite. We picked a beautiful spot out in an area with breathtaking desert landscaping. And the only people in attendance were my 3 children, the pastor, and my parents. Oh; and the groom of course. My husband wrote our vows. (he IS the writer in the family) They were beautiful, and eloquent of course. (I may dig them up one day and post them. Since I am so proud of the job he did.) It was a very intimate ceremony. What we did have planned later that evening, was the reception, at my house. Everyone that I worked with came, my homegirls were in there....and quite a few that I would have to say I knew just a little better then aquantances. Being very proud of my parents, and their phenominal marraige (just the fact that they stayed together qualified it as phenominal) I asked my father to prepare the "toast". He is fairly well read, and I knew he would put heart into it. Our dance, to the song my husband picked out, was actually planned towards the end, when we were to be alone.

So as the night wore on, and champagne glasses were filled, my father cleared his voice, and began his speech. A hush fell over the group. (well somewhat, it is hard to keep everyone quiet.) I need to mention at this point, that this was to be my 3rd wedding. The first one didn't count ( a post for another day), but the 2nd one was over 16 years long. And Rick had very much become a part of my extended family. Birthdays, Holidays, etc...He was Uncle Rick to all my neices and nephews. And the father of my children....which puts his place in our family tree, firmly.

So dad started his speech of well wishes, and good fortune, health, love, romance. And then he had everyone raise their glasses as he proudly said To Tamber and Rick! My grooms name was NOT Rick! Most of the guests had also met Rick, but knew he was the EX, and certainly not in attendance at this ocassion. I didn't wear white at this wedding; but I garauntee my face went whiter then any wedding dress could ever be! Kevin took the whole thing quite graciously. (At least I think he did. I have since learned he has the best "poker face" of any man I have ever known.) Someone quickly diverted the attn. to cake cutting and picture taking....and by now I was exausted emotionally. I love my father so dearly, but if I could have shoved those words back down his throat!!! I would have.

Now as the night was winding down; (only my good friends, and drinkers left) everyone headed inside the house around the TV. Keven and I; we snook out on the back patio, where we danced to this song. The words were perfect. And I still to this day will stick this CD in the car player, and sing along to it, while drivng by myself. It gives me that warm, happy, this is my song feeling. And I think I'm gonna keep it for a decade or two.

The name of the song is "All We Ever Find" By Tim McGraw

Say exactly how you feel
Right now your free to say it all
There is no one here to judge you
I only love you
Your free to close your eyes and fall
You can trust me, this is real
Say exactly how you feel

Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

Every breath of who you are
Tells a story that I love
I have finally found the truth
In what I see in you
And what I feel with every touch
The simple beauty of your heart
In every breath of who you are

(chorus) Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

(repeat chorus)

Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find...

Well there it is, my new song! Retiring the old. Marking this portion of my life. And since it is again late, I won't go off on a tangent as to WHAT, this portion of my life is. I just know, it includes this song:-)


And Today's P - T - Q (Prayer, thought, quip) from AZ Republic (azcentral.com)

Lord, remind us to live by your teachings of love, faith, hope and good will. Amen

"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing."
--John Erskine, American Author & Educator (1879-1951)

A good Executive is one who thinks an assistant who did ALL the work, should get at least a
quarter of the credit.

Goodnight friends! Smoky and I are going to bed now.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Cultivating Mystery or outta sight, outta mind

WARNING: This post will be full of misc. non related, thoughts, musings, neurotic ramblings, and playful mindfucks, inspired by schedule 2 narcotics (lots of 'em!) administered for the purpose of masking chronic pain. The side affects; a mild case of insomnia, impatience at the betrayal of my physical well being, and good ol' fashioned cabin fever.

Thought for the night: Mind over matter; it's all in your head.
(Bullshit! Whoever coined that deep phrase, has obviously never experienced chronic neck/back pain, or any of the other myriad of illnesses that befall thousands each year.) All of whom, have my deepest sympathies, and prayers, as they struggle with balancing pain, and a life that has normalcy, and meaning. Let alone trying to derive pleasure, and joy amidst their struggle.

I got an e-mail from one of my homegirls, who I haven't chatted with since cancelling our group lunchdate set for last friday. Expressing concern, on my well being. Which by the way, touched me. Thank you Jenny. and I would like to say, I'm getting better. In fact, I'm going to say that...you know, the whole mind over matter thingy??? But yes, it still hurts, it still keeps me awake at night, and my arm and hand still have huge areas that are numb. And I am becoming completely disgusted with the wide range of pills I am taking to try and take the edge off the pain. What they do most (the pills), is send my brain into a disoriented, fragmented fog. That leaves me feeling extremely alone, even when I'm not.

I had an MRI done today, and should have results by Thursday morning, when I go into to see my doc. Thursday morning will also be the day, that I quit taking all these narcotics, that in my way of thinking are not doing jackshit for me! Then I will just take the wonder drug of the milleneum ibuprofen! OK, and a muscle relaxer. (it doesn't fuck with my head) So I will test this whole mind over matter bullshit. And write about my scientific results sometime next week. If I sound bitter about it, I'm not. I know I could be a whole lot worse off, and I am thankful for the parts of me that are still in working order. And I am done hiding out at home alone, wallowing in my misery. (melodramatic, I know. I'll blame the pills this time)

I am tentatively mentioning, that maybe (the maybe part because my husband is concerned) we could do a happy hour THIS Friday night? I would love for all of us to get together for alcohol, fun, gossip and laughter. Since there is nothng mysterious about illness and isolation, I'm leaning towards outta sight and outta mind. And I wanna say Here I am! Let's have some fun!

As I was sitting on the couch, my mind freely wandering here and there, I started thinking about when Lori, Kevin(my husband) and I got our tattoo's. (And Shelly got her belly button peirced) I'm not sure why that popped into my head......the only correlation I could find, was that I popped a couple vicoden then, to mask THAT pain. But I also remembered what a good time we had laughing, and squeezing each other's hands to get thru it. Chattering away to take our minds off of the fact that this big dude was taking needles and ink, and creating art IN our bodies.

And we decided to pick a song each. One song, as our theme song for our lives. And for the life of me, I cannot remember anybody elses but my own.(a testament to self absorption?) I do remember where this game came from. Ally McBeal. (Harrison Ford's bony girlfriend) Ally's therapist told her to pick a song, and make it hers. A song that made her feel good, that she could sing (to herself, or outloud) to claim as her theme. I remember Kevin and I picked one together too. The "Our song" was by Journey; Don't stop believin'..I'm going to locate the words around here somewhere. The drugs I'm taking, unfortunately causing a brain fart. Which only allows minimal details to come to the surface.

And now the song I picked, at the time, has been mine all the way back to when it came out. (late eighties? can't quite remember) It was by the Escape Club. I bring this up, because, as I go thru this little bout of pain, I have come to the conclusion, that it is time to retire "my song" the song that has/had never failed to bring me up off my feet, and onto the dance floor, where I abandoned all inhibitions, and flailed about recklessly (dancing...sort of) So I dedicate this post to Wild Wild West by the Escape Club, which is being retired year 2005.

Fortyseven dead beats living in the back street
North East West South all in the same house
Sitting in the back room waiting for the big boom
I'm in the bedroom waiting for my baby

She's so mean, but I don't care
I love her eyes & her wild wild hair
Dance to the beat, that we love best
Heading for the nineties
Living in the wild wild west
The wild wild west........

Heading for the nineties, living in the eighties
Screaming in the backroom, waiting for the big boom.
Give me give me wild west
Give me give me safe sex
Give me love, give me love
Give me time to live it up.

I know, I shortened it quite a bit. (It is after 1:00 AM as I write this) So since I am retiring Wild Wild West, having already "lived it up" and lived thru not just the eighties, but the ninties as well....I need to find a new theme song! Like hairstyles, one must try at times to change with the times. So here my search begins....

And this is where I am assigning all who read this post, an assignment. This assignment is Find your theme song, and post it. To all of my home girls (also a test of whether or not you're reading me anymore?) Jenny, Shelly, Vickie and Lori. You can post a comment on here, without being a member or having to sign up. Post it under anonymous, and just put your name IN the message, at the end of "your song" And Jackie, I wanna see yours too. And any suggestions you may have for me. I am looking for somthing more appropriate for me NOW. Not me of the eighties or the ninties. So to all who read my foggy drug induced ramblings of the evening, I want your songs. You too, http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ and http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ What song makes you feel good, that you would claim it as yours;-) I look forward to reading some songs!

Now, one other rambling. I have blog envy! I saw the most eye catching blog! I am amazed at the amount of imagination, and I have to say it, TALENT, that goes into some of these sites! So, if you get a chance, check out http://barefootramblings.blogspot.com/ I AM jealous, but also inspired. I intend to try and learn different things you can do to web sites, or blogs, to enhance them. And; it only took me many many hours, but I did figure out, and successfully attach a counter to my site!!! I am quite pleased with myself. Although my true goal, still lies ahead of me.

But for now, my cat Smoky and I must bid you all goodnight! :-) And, sweet dreams.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Prayer, Thought & Quip

As taken from Gannetts AZ Republic 1/24/04

Lord, we ask for stronger faith, and for you to teach us to trust, when we do not see or understand. Amen.


The art of dealing with one's enemies, is an art no less necessary, then knowing how to appreciate one's friends.
(Truman Capote, American Writer 1924-1984)


Even if your parents do tell you about the birds and the bees, they never mention mortgages on hives and aviaries.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Murphy's Law & Pain Update

I wrote a post, on the day my pain took a turn for the worse. But, I was going to be diligent, and consistent, and write a small post, to keep up consistent appearances. It took me a long while, in between neck and shoulder spasms, but I ended up writing quite a bit. I was very pleased with myself, when I hit the publish button. The next screen that popped up was "We couldn't find the page you requested, try hitting the refresh button, etc. So I tried, and got nothing. My hard earned post flew off into cyberland, never to be seen again:-(

That same day, was nothing short of a tour to Hell. The pain in my neck, and down my shoulder all the way to my fingers became intense. All of it throbbed continually, with painful spasms hitting every 15 minutes to half hour. Which had me screaming like my 9 yr old OWIE OWIE OWIE! Luckily the spasms didn't seem to last longer then 5 minutes each, during which I paced the floors moaning and groaning, ocassionally muttering for someone to just shoot me in the head. (I was ignored at that part by all family members. Someone has to do laundry, cook, and help with homework.) Although my husband has been nothing short of miraculous! Picking up all my chores, handling the kids, and playing their chauffer for various activities. Everyone managed to go to sleep that night, including me, at a very early hour. Except my sleep lasted exactly 3 hours; when I sat straight up in bed screaming from a spasm. Followed by pacing like a caged tiger looking for lunch! This continued until finally my groggy husband said, "Maybe we better take you to the hospital. And I HATE EMERGENCY rooms! The 5 hour waits that are the norm, I didn't think I could survive. But then I had hit rock bottom. I either wanted to slide into a coma (away from the pain) or take mass quantities of dugs to mask the pain.

We did have sleeping kids in the house, who needed to get up for school in the morning, and I hated the thought of upsetting their routine. And tham staying home from school was completely out of the question. They need MORE classtime, not less. So I called the EX husband, who came and picked them up, and dropped them at his mother's house, to make sure they were taken care of, and deposited at school on time. (The Ex had to work by 6:00 AM that morning.) I have to go on record as saying God Bless Grandmothers! It may, or may not take a village to raise a child (Hillary Clinton's motto) but grandmothers, no one can replace them in their grandchildrens lives.

So it was off to the emergency room we went! Where the spasms seem to hit in even more frequency! This may sound bad, but when I hurt that bad, with tears streaming down my face, those are private moments. That I don't like ANYONE seeing me like that. But at 1:00 AM in the morning, with approximately 30 other fellow hurting patients, all sitting around waiting for their turn, I had no choice. My dignity was lost, period. Along with a box of kleenex, which I was constantly wiping away (what I hoped was) hidden tears. Well the gal upfront said I was lucky, my wait time should be no more then 2 hours! Lucky meeee!

I finally made it into my semi-private room. (semi-private= curtains between two beds) Where for the next hour I was stuck waiting for the doc, writhing and groaning in pain for the entertainment of my room mate. I was ready to just walk out, when he walked in. Where he did a basic, shallow exam. And came to the conclusion, that yes, you're in pain. Doctors are a brilliant lot. But he became my hero in 5 minutes flat. When in walked his nurse with a shot of morphine & phenergan. And a lovely little pink valuim pill. 15 minutes later, I was asleep. Deeply. On what we all know are the most uncomfortable beds in the United States. Oh how heavenly it was!

After no more then one half hour, they were back in waking me up to LEAVE. I didn't WANT to wake up, let alone LEAVE? It seems hospital policies are much more efficient at getting you outta there, then getting you in there. But they sent me out armed with pain med. prescriptions anyway. Which we filled on our way home at 7:30 AM. Yes, how many hours was that? 6 and one half? There has got to be a better way!

That day, once Mr.Morphine wore off, I popped a couple of vicoden, to mask the pain. Which it didn't touch the pain, even slightly. So I popped a valuim, hoping that by calming myself down, the pain would let up. No chance. So I kept my appt. w/my regular doctor at 3:00PM He somewhat examined my back, then sent me away with a script of percocet, thinking that would do the trick. That and flexeril (muscle relaxer) What it afforded me was 3 hours of sleep that night, and then the rest spent pacing the floor again. He sent me for an X-ray that showed nothing out of the ordinary. So back I went yesterday! This time, more aggressive, bitchey, and the tears flowed freely. So, to make this overly long, tedious story shorter, The MRI is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 7:00 AM. The new set of drugs sent home to me, were much better at controlling the pain. MS Contin 15mg (morphine) and a steroid 6 day pack. I told my husband that I hope the steroids didn't make me grow a dick. His comment was somthing along the lines that it would match my proverbial balls, which he says are bigger then most of the guys he knows.

Which brings me to the present. Day two of steroid therapy, and I see a big improvement. Only two spasms, all morning. Now about the morphine, the morphine is legitimately my excuse for this rambling, over-detailed, tedious post with the bad grammar and sentence structure. I believe most of my posts are up to snuff, for my liking. This one, is just to keep up some consistency in posting. If this one too, doesn't end up in cyber-space. At which point, I won't post again for a while. Until my temper and afflictions both calm down.

So now I am off to have mother/daughter times with Tayler. (Which won't be of the highest quality due to my afflictions.) The choice today? We are going to watch Catwoman together. A film that I have heard has been put in the worst movie category by many. But Tayler likes it, so Catwoman it will be! (And maybe a percocet to help me completely zone out on it...)



Wednesday, January 19, 2005

PAIN! And, 100 things about me

This morning, I am taking a phrase from T's Take http://tmanundercover.blogspot.com It's from his posting today as a matter of fact. It just was exactly how I am feeling today.

Phrase; If your body was a car, you wouldn't buy it.
Why? Because maintenance is a bitch.

Boy, is it a BITCH!!! $#%&^&*^%$)(*&^$@!# ( as many swear words, as I couldn't think of ) I woke up this morning at 4:45 AM (only 15 minutes earlier then normal) with a peircing scream of pain. As the left side of my neck, down my shoulder and arm went into a full blown spasm, that is STILL hurting me, whenever I, ohhhh, move, breathe, pick up the phone, sit, lie down, and stand. First off, I know I am a real wuss, when it comes to pain. With an extremely low threshold for it. I am of the mindset, that we live in the new milleneum, if there's a pain, there's a pill for it. ( Speaking of that, I could sure use one of your percocets right now AK) http://chaoticphoenixak.blogspot.com

But instead, I just popped a 500mg Tyleonol, after also taking 600mg of Ibuprofen an hour ago. But still it keeps seizing up. I am sure sitting at this computer isn't helping matters, so this post will probably take me 3 hours to get thru, since I keep needing to change positions. (The laundry didn't need done that bad, or the vacuuming, or the beds made.) This is more important anyway, right? Well, much more fun anyway.

So here I sit, with my "neck buddy" draped over my shoulder...trying to type in between spastic pains. I won't be working on enhancing this blog today. That would actually take a clear head, on a feel good day, and still I would probably fail at it. Have I generated any sympathy yet? That's all right; I know I just haven't found the right pill combination, I'll keep working on it..... Added a flexeril (muscle relaxer) to the mix...we'll see how that works!

So now on to somthing that should be fairly easy to do. Instead of trying to describe somthing, tell a story, or what have you; I'll stick to facts. Based on self perceptions that is. So without further delay;

100 Things About ME (In no specific order)

1. I am married to a newspaper man.
2. We have been married 2 yrs.
3. He is 15 yrs older then me.
4. Which makes me feel young, no matter what age I am!
5. I have 3 children
6. Two boys; ages 20 and 9
7. One girl, age 11
8. I have been married 3 times (3rd times a charm)
9. Friendships are very important to me.
10. I worked in a hospital pharmacy for 10 yrs as a tech.
11. I was born in Bakersfield CA
12. Mainly raised in WA state
13. My parents were married on my dad's 17th Birthday, just following my mom's 16th Birthday.
14. My mother is an RN at a drug rehab hospital.
15. I am the daughter of an authentic Redneck Cowboy (who also happened to be a truck driver)
16. I owned a Reg. Thoroughbred horse, named Caper.
17. He got fat & lazy, I got fat & pregnant, I sold him.
18. Got thin and in shape, wish I hadn't sold him.
19. Taken ballet off and on for yrs (no, not that good)
20. Love to watch the ballet as well.
21. I have a 3" tattoo of a rose blossom, on the top of my right ass cheek.
22. My husband has my name and a long stem rose tattooed over his heart.
23. I am loyal.
24. I am loving.
25. I value honesty in my spouse more then anything else.
26. I have enjoyed horsebackriding, since I was a teenager.
27. I can be a bit melodramatic. (OK, a lot!)
28. I smoke. (hate it! need, and will quit, hopefully soon)
29. I am very protective of my friends.
30. Can be scatterbrained at times.
31. PAIN makes me moody.
32. Debt, makes me crazy!
33. I bought my house, after my 2nd divorce, all by myself.
34. I'm proud of that fact.
35. Switched to Business office work when I moved to AZ.
36. Was layed off work, twice by the same company in a 3 yr period. (small, struggling company)
37. I am 5'10" tall.
38. Had all of my height, by the 6th grade.
39. Modeled for 2 yrs in H.S. (local stuff)
40. I was in a county beauty pageant. (top 10 finalist; dropped out before the crowning)
41. Always regretted that.
42. I wrote poetry in H.S. (loads of it, it all stunk!)
43. I worked at managing various retail clothing stores for a decade.
44. Loved it! But the pay was crap!
45. Dropped out of pageant, to take mgmt. postion at Foxmoor's Clothing.
46. Was married to a wife beater for 2 yrs. (Got the hell outta that!)
47. Love my kids with everything in me!
48. I have joint custody with their father. (7 on, 7 off.)
49. Feel guilty, for enjoying my time alone with my husband. (the 7 off)
50. Love any excuse for a party! ANY!
51. Love to gamble. (Laughlin NV on the Colorado river)
52. I can be hypocritical. (not on purpose though)
53. Tend to learn by mistakes, not by others' experiences.
54. Used to be a night owl. (swingshift at the hospital)
55. Love getting up early now. And going to bed early.
53. Believe everyone would benefit from counseling.
54. Read dime store self help psycho babble books. (Does anyone remember, "I'm OK, You're OK?")
55. I have a raunchy sense of humor at times. (ie; dirty jokes, pics. etc.)
56. Grew up on dime store self help psycho babble books. (Does anyone remember T.A. for Tots?")
57. My motto is, anything for a laugh! (No subject is taboo)
58. This conflicts at times with the fact, that I AM a Christian.
59. I love good sex!
60. That's gotten me into some trouble a time or two. or three......
61. I don't much care for Religion. or people who feel the need to act religous.
62. Love a good religous discussion though. (I think that would be debate)
62. I pray several times a day. (I need it!)
63. My husband and I pray together every morning.
64. My kids and I pray together on the way into school every morning.
65. I don't like pompous asses, who think their degrees make them "more then" someone else.
66. Or think it makes them more intellegent then others.
67. I don't like pompous asses, who think their money makes them better then others.
68. I pray everyday, that my kids will go to college and get the degrees.
69. I want more choices for my kids, then I had. (Doesn't every generation?)
70. I am extremely generous.
71. I am a touchy, feely, huggy person.
72. I can be extremly territorial about my spouse.
73. OK, I can be very jealous where my spouse is concerned.
74. I once invited one of my spouses EX g/f's to one of my girls nite out, so I would know where SHE was. (She did have a fatal attraction thing going on about him)
75. My fave sunday : Mimosa's, eggs benedict, and a few good movies.
76. I love playing cards; cribbage & pinochle.
77. Would love to learn Hearts.
78. Fave vacation: pay per view, room service. Anywhere, any 4 star hotel.
79. I have received lap dances in a strip club.
80. I always have good intentions, but my follow thru can be a little weak.
81. If I love you, I want what you want for your life.
82. I am unafraid of saying I love you. Even in the face of rejection.
83. I always let my friends, family, and spouse know I love them.
84. I have cheated on, and been cheated on.
85. I never want to be on either end again.
86. My parents are still together, after 42 years of marraige.
87. My parents, are each others' best friend.
88. My parents are still in love.
89. I have a younger sister, and younger brother.
90. They all live in WA
91. I'm still friends w/ex hubby #2 (kids' father)
92. I believe, live and let live.
93. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
94. I screw up on that sometimes though.
95. I have blue green eyes. more so blue or green depending on what I wear.
96. I am a brunette.
97. I am addicted to clothes and shoes. I have way more then I need of both.
98. I love the desert, and the sun.
99. I have had enough of rainy WA, to last a lifetime.
100. I LOVE coffee.

I made it!!! Man, that was a little tougher then I thought. I am going to go nurse my wounds now. And try to enjoy the sun. It's 82 degrees today, and I am going to work on the 2005 tan, if I can lay that long.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Blogging Frustrations! & My lack of knowledge

It would be a fair asessment, to say I am having loads of fun, retreating to this blog, and throwing up words all over it! I am still self analyzing the Why's behind that. (Can't help the analyzing thing, it's part of my personality, brought on by years and years of dime store self help psycho babble book reading - which was brought on by a mother, who to this day, still reads loads and loads of dime store self help psycho babble books)

My problem/problems are, trying to do anything to the blog to "enhance" it. (I haven't even started to analyze WHY I want to enhance it) As I go out looking at various blogs, which I love reading; I see off to the side, where you post the blogs you read regularly; and enjoy. Kewl! I like it! I have found some great reads, by checking out what other blogs my faves have listed! And now, I want it. Here is where the frustrations have set in.

It seems you need to know a thing or three about your computer, and the definitions of computer language, in order to even begin to follow the instructions to, now read carefully, paste the coding, into your page template.......sure. no sweat. But.....what's CODING? And what's PAGE TEMPLATE? I am hopping all over this site, trying to figure it out on my own, and getting nothing but frustrated in the process! (And yes, I realize I am parading my ignorance, out in the open, for all to see. I'm OK with that, I have a Sense of Self, and I know I am not computer proficient, or literate)

I thought I would attempt somthing small, pasting somthing to my page template. Which by now, I have come to the conclusion, is the page that my postings sit on. OK, so I thought a page counter, at the bottom of my "page template" sounded like a small thing to attempt. For learning purposes, for what I REALLY want; My favorites on the damn PAGE TEMPLATE! Well, it seems there are several programs of counters. I pick the one with the word EASY in it. I want easy, this is good. So I filled out the form, hit submit, and up pops a box with all sorts of gobley gook (letters, symbols, etc.) in it. And I mean LOTS of gobley gook!!! (gobley gook= childhood words for, I don't understand any of this!) And now I am supposed to WHAT? paste ALL of this box of stuff, WHERE? And is there a special spot one must go to put this several lines of gobley gook? And; does one paste ALL of it? A certain portion? Geeze, KIDS do this! Is it really this hard? Am I making it harder then it's supposed to be? Is it just that I don't understand the proper definitions, in the instructions?

So needless to say, these frustrations have put a damper, and a tarnish, on my new hobby. And, as you can see, there is no page counter, and no favorite sites list on my page template. and maybe there never will be. Having come full circle in my, why do I like blogging self analysis....I wonder if I should just be content, throwing up words all over my page template.

In conclusion, I am going to list a couple of blogs I read daily, and confirm my original offer of use of my pool and jacuzzi, for skinny dipping purposes. (on the off week, that my kids are with their dad) In exchange for some blog lessons, on enhancing this blog. So, there ya go! http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ & http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ Your skinny dipping paradise! for lessons on this computer crap! My husband and I will just go to a hotel room, which is notorious for bringing out the romance in relationship. Nothing says romance like an anonymous bed, and pay per view! I only ask, that you please save some energy for a lesson on blog enhancement. ;-)


Monday, January 17, 2005

A Love Letter - To my Home Girls

I guess I am feeling a little on the sappy side. But I'm OK with it. I found a "Thought for the day, on a blog called Suburban Musings. One she did 10/18/04 on a monday. It stood out, so I am adopting her thought, today. Her blog is at http://kathimoore.blogspot.com/

Thought for the day; Be true to yourself, others will disappoint you occasionally, so you have to remember to be good to your own self.

Nothing need be added to that.

Today I was thinking about the friendships I have established, since moving to Arizona, from WA State 4 years ago. And in so doing, I was humbled, and thankful. To come to a state, with my family, and no ties (including no job) was scary, and exciting. Having moved a few times in my teen age years, I was well aware that building friendships in a new area, takes time, effort, and patience. And a sense of self, to get you thru that whole time and patience thing.

Establishing friendships, as an adult, in a new area, is just hard at times. It means puttting yourself out there, taking chances on rejection, and on ocassion being rejected. No one likes to be rejected, it hurts sometimes, even when we may try and block it. But you move on, and keep putting yourself out there. (Definition of "putting yourself out there" : Allowing others in, to see who you really are, bad and good.) You learn by doing that, who your friends really are. I am picky, in that area. I have my criteria, to what a good friend is. This criteria, helps me differentiate, between "good friends' and those that may be ocassional friends, and those I end up lableing as aquantances. Sounds cold, I know. But it isn't. Everyone does this, to one form or another. And when they do (subconsciously, or not) someone on the receiving end, will end up feeling rejected. This little analogy, teaches me one thing. How can we possibly take that rejection too personal? And if we shouldn't take it personally, it should not affect our ability to put ourselves out there. It means, I just didn't fit into their criteria. Which I have no control over.

My definition of a Good Friend

She/He knows my shortcomings, and loves me anyway.
S/H shares from their lives, unafraid to allow me in to see their shortcomings. Knowing I will love them anyway.
S/H knows how to laugh. At a joke, at ME, at themselves. Knowing that I am laughing with them, and they with me.
S/H knows how to give advice, w/o trying to run my life; and with warmth and love.
S/H will love me and accept, even decisions I make that they disagree with.
S/H will cheer for me, and exhort me, even the decisions I make that they disagree with.
S/H will make an attempt, to get to know my spouse, and find somthing that they can like about him, because after all, I love him. There is some good there, if he is her choice.
S/H loves me unconditionally. Whether I have a degree, or not. Whether my house is spotless or not. Whether I am employed, or not. (As is the case at the moment.) Whether I can be available to them at the moment, or not.
S/H forgives my mistakes, because I am human. And as someone who is stumbling thru life, I make a lot of them!
S/H is not afraid to express their love for me, and does. (A hug is worth a thousand words!)

OK, this is not necessarily all inclusive, but it is my basics of friendship. As lofty as some of these are, it is the list I try and follow for BEING a friend, to my friends. I don't always succeed, but I try, and I put myself out there.

I count myself as extremely lucky! to have found a group of friends, that give this to me, as well as accept it from me. This particular group of women are loved by me. And that isn't written lightly. There are things that go unsaid, but I know, that this group loves me. For these friendships I am eternally grateful.

Shelly, you send me inspirational mails, and the good ol' raunchy joke, usually just when I need it. You are real, open and warm. You accepted my husband, and reached out to him. As well as sharing Brian with us. Whom I think is wonderful by the way.

Lori, you're beautiful. You are warm, kind, and caring. Know how to laugh, have a good time, and cry when you feel the need. You're supportive, and allow others to support you. You will find what you're looking for.

Jenny, you have shared your life with me. You have taught me a lot. On the job, as well as personally. Your patience in life, I admire tremendously. You're smart, articulate, and always have a ready smile, and open heart. (And I wanna throw you a baby shower; as soon as we know the sex)

Vickie, you have gone thru a lot in your life. You have had more then your share of turmoil, brought on by people you loved, and still you continue to love, and laugh. You have a zeal for fun, that is infectous. And you are strong and disciplined. Supporting your boys with little to no help, working hard to succeed at your career.

These women, who I admire and care about, are friends that I love, and will always be loyal to. They make me, the lucky person I consider myself. I have other friends in my life, that I value, and treasure and love as well. But this core group, are what make my life, in this beautiful desert, home.They are my adopted family, who I chose, and who chose me. And I pray that God never allows me to take that for granted. They will always own a part of my heart. And they make up the group, I call my homegirls. ( And someday, future Red Hat Society club? lol)

So this post, is dedicated to Shelly, Lori, Jenny, and Vickie. You have me as your ally in life, today and always.



Sunday, January 16, 2005

Nightmares & Confessions

Saturday morning, I woke myself up, with my own muffled cry, from one of those nightmares, that seem so real, you experience pain in the pit of your stomache. I sat up right, looked over at my deeply sleeping spouse, and abrubtly, and not so gently, nudged him awake. And I was angry at him! That bastard had cheated on me! My stomache is still hurting, and I am shaky as he asked me, (still half asleep) "WHAT!? Whud I do?"

To which I cried out, YOU CHEATED ON ME! WITH SOME BLONDE BIMBO, WHO WAS CUTTING YOUR HAIR! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME!

Now he is completely awake. Wearing this, this isn't fair! look all over his face. Quickly replaced with that condescending, parental role look, that says " I must calm this hysterical woman down." He gently says, "Tamber, it was a dream, I have NOT cheated on you, and I have been laying beside you all night." To which I replied, "But it was SOOOO REAL. My stomache still hurts because of it. My inner thoughts, and superstitions asking me if this is some kinda vision, of what's to come....

This was a brutal awakening (ok, for him too) for someone who doesn't really qualify as awake, until half a pot of coffee is whirling its way thru my system. And now that fact is irritating me, this brutal awakening, on the day of MY special party...It's not fair! I have too much work to do, to ensure my party is fun for all! And now I'm disoriented, irritated. not really awake without my coffee, and STILL my stomache aches! He hugs me, grabs at a body part or two, and reassures me, I am the only woman who "does it" for him. My irritation does start to subside, with the brimming cup of hot coffee, he hands me, in bed.

As we make our way thru the newspaper, and a pot of coffee, my mind is still wandering back to the nightmare. Or more to the point, WHY did I have this nightmare? (Still looking for the hidden meaning, in the dream.)

As superstitious as this sounds, this is somthing that dates all the way back, to when a 9 yr old girl (myself) dreams of shitloads of snakes squirming around, under my very own bed. Completely distraught, I go to mom, for comfort. Mom, a 25 yr old, mother of the 70's, promptly interprets my dream for me. (Since she has read several, dime store self help psycho babble dream interpretation books; she is a pro) She calmly announces to her completely shaken daughter, "you have penis envy. It's no big deal." Oh, but for the wisdom of moms! Now at 41, penis envy doesn't sound like much, and certainly no big deal. But at 9, having never even seen a penis (my little brothers excluded) this is quite traumatic. First, what's envy? Second, I don't think about a penis. Ever. At all. But hey, mom's the pro. And now I am told, my dreams have hidden meanings, and I must just try and figure it out, and then, just let it go. I am sorry to say, that the penis has turned up in my dreams, in one form, or another, ever since then.

So back to the cheating husband...and its hidden meaning.....It took me a few hours, but I did indeed figure out, the TRUE meaning behind this nightmare. I mull the meaning over in my brain, for another hour while getting on my Sex and the City garb, for my party. It's noon by now, and my g/f's will be here in an hour. But it's time to confess the meaning to my wrongly accused husband. Who by now, only has his mind on the various Football games, that are playing, and will be played that very day. And has completely forgotten about the morning's abrupt beginning.

I melodramatically approach him, and announce in dreaded tones, " I know why I had that dream! I have to tell you, get it off my chest, and confess what I have done." ( That last phrase, I knew, got his attention) I continue for added affect, "and you're not going to like it." I feel his sense of urgency now (although this could be for missing a play in his game) as he says "What, just tell me."

" Well, I started a blog. And I wasn't going to tell you about it. I just didn't want you making fun of me, or God forbid critiquing it, or (trigger word here) EDITING it. Since my spouse has worked in Newspapers for 30 years, as an Editor and reporter, this thought brings about panic, and defensiveness. The last thing I would want, is for my professional writing husband, to play editor, on my new hobby. He follows this up, with " I'm not surprised. You were enjoying reading them so much, I assumed you would eventually start one." He reassures me, that 1. He will only read posts, that I want, and ask him to read. 2. That he would never belittle or poke fun at me for it. and 3. Editing, is the last thing on his mind, once he clocks off the job. OK, I experience a little sigh of relief, but....

I continue with, "But there's more. I thought you would feel a sense of betrayal, that I didn't share this with you." Spouse: Not at all. It isn't any big deal. ( This kinda pinches my feelings, as I see my new hobby AS a big deal. But I realize that's probably my PMS doin' the feeling right now. He also is very aware of this being that "special week") So, I just continue with, "Well about my dream, I wrote somthing in a post, that was flippant, and made light of cheating. And I beleive, this is why I dreamt of YOU cheating." So, I let him read THAT post. And he chuckles when he get's to that line, the one that says " A show that we were more faithful to then most of our EX husbands." So in the end, it is just my guilty conscience, and a good friend, who had pointed out that keeping secrets isn't good for a relationship (I'm summing it up here) In case my friend Lee, is reading this and comes back with a "That's not what I said." (More on Lee, and his impact on my thoughts, and actions, in a later post.) At any rate, confessions are good for the soul...and, I am now free, to write whatever I like, whenever I like, without having to look over my shoulder, in fear of being discovered. As if it would even happen during football season anyway.

SEX PARTY UPDATE

Fun was had by all! The outfits were ALL fantastic! And Lori (who is 44 and looks 30) won the prize! She found the best little top (sheer & white) which she wore a black bra under that screamed Carrie! It was awsome. Shelly, brought her significant other Brian along, to keep my husband Kevin company. We watched Sex, and played Sex trivia in between episodes. Seems our memories for details arn't as strong as we all assumed they would be. The last 4 episodes had Jenny (who is newly pregnant) , Vickie, (recently broken up with b/f she was in love with) and Lori (who is seeing a married man) sobbing sporadically, during them. I'm not going to bother to analyze the sobbing right now. It's a woman thing, I think. How do I know they had fun? They all said so, in between sobs. Afterwards Kevin built a bon-fire out in the back yard, where we continued to drink, chat, laugh, and tentatively plan other get togethers. I sent the barely eaten on, obligatory fruit platter, and a third of a choc. cake home with Jenny. She's pregnant, with young kids, they'll eat the cake, and Jenny needs the vitamins from the fruit. And I won't have to watch the fruit slowly rot, in my fridge for a week. We ended the evening with a slow soak in the jacuzzi, before falling alseep in front of the TV. To a middle-aged couple, this was a sucessful, social gathering.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Sex, Taco Salad, and Cosmo's

Saturday, I am throwing an intimate little party! My kids (all 3 of them) will be with their father, having a good time skiing. I couldn't be happier for them!! While they are away playing, mom will be too. One of my favorite guilty pleasures will be indulged on Saturday.

Yes, I'm talkin' bout those 4 gals from New York City; Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte! My girlfriends (from the office I worked at for a couple of years)and myself, have been mourning the loss of Sex and the City for months! But a wonderful thing happened on December 28th 2004, their Season 6 Part 2 DVD, (8 whole episodes) set came out! We have passed around the prior 6 sets over the last 2 months, watching hours at a time. And now, we are coming together to watch The End.

This is bittersweet, because we all know, there will be no more tales from the big city sluts, whom we all love and adore. I know this by itself, doesn't sound too tacky. But my personal touches to this gathering have made it the truly tacky event it will be. And I can't wait!

For starters, there will only be two drinks served, Cosmopolitans, and appletini's. (OK, I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but I know what I'm saying.) The signature drinks of the girls. Next, I'm making a FABULOUS (gotta love that word!) taco salad. And the obligatory fruit platter, so we feel like we're cutting a few calories. And, all of my homegirls will dress metro (slutty, loud, trendy, whatever you want to call it) and I am giving a really kewl gift to the best outfit! (and yes I realize we're going into tacky territory) But I'm not done yet! We will also be breaking out the Sex and the City Trivia game, for which there will also be another really kewl gift.
We feel this all day party, is fitting, for saying good bye, to a show we have been more faithful to, then most of our Ex husbands. And between the 5 of us, we have 8 EX-husbands.( Some of us have a few more Ex's then others.) I'm off track...oh well, it's my blog.

And I'm excited! It has taken every bit of self discipline I could muster, to NOT watch the DVD's prior to Saturday. A foolish promise I made in haste, at our last lunch. Yes just like those fabulous girls from Sex, we have lunch every other week. Where we catch up on who's sleeping with who, who is officially a "couple", and who's Ex is giving them a hard time at the moment. The girls from Sex, also had us running out to Fascinations (our local sex toy store) looking for stimulating toys. They have widened our horizons! Opened up areas kept secret, for many years. How could we NOT love the girls from Sex! So for one day we will honor, and toast, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. It will be a bittersweet moment, when we watch them, hop into various beds for the last time.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Suspicions Confirmed

I made it to parent/teacher conferences yesterday. Gee I'm glad I did...It started with Mrs. M welcoming me with a smile and "come in, sit down!" Big grin, deep breath, and then "Well RILEY."( heavy sigh) "What can I say, I'm deeply concerned." I already KNEW that was coming, so I followed it up with "So am I". Mrs. M : "I'm at my wits end, with what to do about Riley"

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that, so I give her one more wimpy "so am I".
We have had many conversations since the beginning of the school year, and I know this top notch teacher, puts her all into her job. (No child left behind, that's Mrs. M) And if anyone is going to thwart her efforts, it will be Riley. It seems he is in very real danger of not going on to 4th grade. Which was my suspicion before entering her classroom. Riley IS smart. Riley IS creative. Riley has the face of an angel. (Riley knows it too) Riley also is lazy, self indulgent, spoiled, and stubborn( I know, a lot of those are my fault). Not a good combination. We then spend 10 minutes coming to the conclusion, that Riley is NOT ADD. He does NOT have any learning disabilities. She has watched him (as I have) draw the most intricate of pictures. For long periods of time. So at the close of this unenlightening conference, I'm left feeling overwhelmed, and unequipped. Much like Riley has made Mrs. M feel all year long.

So now, we begin the uphill battle, of lowering the boom. We have tried the reward method, the positive affirmations, the "There are consequences to all our actions" lecture. The time to grow up lecture. And he tries to find loopholes in every avenue all of us have taken. His debating, and arguing skills were finetuned. He would be a great lawyer some day, if he manages to get out of the 3rd grade. So we are left with what to do now. His stepfather and I have decided he IS going to summer school. Period. He doesn't know it yet, although in the past we have told him this may be the case, if things didn't change. What is left to us, is the threat of being held back. And we're playing that card, this week. So again, I'm on my knees in prayer, that he will respond, and snap out of it!

Nothing I have done in life, that was hard, or a lot of work, has ever compared to the work being a parent is. I haven't been able to find any "black and white" answers, on a fool proof way to successfully raise healthy, happy, well adjusted kids. And I have tried MANY varieties of dime store, self-help psycho babble books! I mean I have taken their principles and put them into action, with minimal results. Our family life revolves around Riley and his homework 4 nights a week. We give him Friday night off. And have him read 20 minutes a day Saturday and Sunday. Outloud. To one of us.
What comes to my mind, is that cliche saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink". Having ridden horses for many years, this is true, they won't until they are ready.

Riley's penchant for play, is serious business to him. And he doesn't want school work interferring with it.

I have seen mild changes in him over the last couple of months. He is being more respectful towards all family members. He is doing his homework without having to spend 30 minutes arguing with him about it. And his spelling has improved a little. So there is hope.

I did tell Mrs. M what Riley said about spending more time with her, during the school week, then with his parents. And it WAS Mrs. M that pointed that out. Although she said she pointed it out to the whole class, not just Riley. And somehow I managed to find comfort in that...

Mrs. M, not wanting me to leave totally discouraged, and disillusioned, tried to tell a positive Riley story. But in so doing also let slip that she has had a few conversations with the principal about Riley. It seems the principal wanted to tell a "joke of the day" over the intercom, and the jokes were to come from students. Riley, who Mrs. M cannot get to sit and listen to instructions for 5 minutes,without his eyes glazing over from boredom, was the first in line to give the principal a joke. And according to Mrs. M, it was a good joke, and was the first one used. (She didn't tell me what the joke was though) So this is what she offered up for me to take pride in. I'm not trying to minimize his "accomplishments", but....the best she could offer was a joke?

Well as my father has always said ( actually ONLY after he got all of his kids raised) This too, shall pass. So that will be my mantra for the week. Between my corny, cliche quote, and possibly a 5th of vodka, Riley and I will survive the week.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

By Accident

I set this up, just to be able to post, on another blog...quite by accident. I don't believe I have anything significant to say, or that anyone would care to read. Barring the ocassional comment on SOMEONE ELSES blog. But OK, I'm spontaneous!
And running late for my son's Parent/Teacher conference...so this is going to be short. As much as I would rather skip the conference, unfortunately conferences were invented, for kids just like my son....so missing it would mean denying his teacher the opportunity to vent about her frustrations in dealing with him, during the school week. As he pointed out the other evening at dinner; I see my teacher more in a day then I see you. I am starting to wonder if HE came to that conclusion, or if his teacher (bless her heart) pointed it out to him, in a fit of frustration. This isn't going to be interesting, it's going to be pure torture for me, as I struggle to come up with some logical explanation for his stubborn, "I refuse to be accountable for my actions" attitude. He is a lovable kid, he just plainly states, "I don't want to grow up, and I'm not going to." He's 9 yrs old, and has the sense of responsibility of a 3 yr old. (I hope he never reads this!) Wishful thinking on MY part, as getting him to read, is almost as hard as getting him to shower. Ok, I have vented enough, it's Mrs. M's turn! God help me.....


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