Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Cultivating Mystery or outta sight, outta mind

WARNING: This post will be full of misc. non related, thoughts, musings, neurotic ramblings, and playful mindfucks, inspired by schedule 2 narcotics (lots of 'em!) administered for the purpose of masking chronic pain. The side affects; a mild case of insomnia, impatience at the betrayal of my physical well being, and good ol' fashioned cabin fever.

Thought for the night: Mind over matter; it's all in your head.
(Bullshit! Whoever coined that deep phrase, has obviously never experienced chronic neck/back pain, or any of the other myriad of illnesses that befall thousands each year.) All of whom, have my deepest sympathies, and prayers, as they struggle with balancing pain, and a life that has normalcy, and meaning. Let alone trying to derive pleasure, and joy amidst their struggle.

I got an e-mail from one of my homegirls, who I haven't chatted with since cancelling our group lunchdate set for last friday. Expressing concern, on my well being. Which by the way, touched me. Thank you Jenny. and I would like to say, I'm getting better. In fact, I'm going to say that...you know, the whole mind over matter thingy??? But yes, it still hurts, it still keeps me awake at night, and my arm and hand still have huge areas that are numb. And I am becoming completely disgusted with the wide range of pills I am taking to try and take the edge off the pain. What they do most (the pills), is send my brain into a disoriented, fragmented fog. That leaves me feeling extremely alone, even when I'm not.

I had an MRI done today, and should have results by Thursday morning, when I go into to see my doc. Thursday morning will also be the day, that I quit taking all these narcotics, that in my way of thinking are not doing jackshit for me! Then I will just take the wonder drug of the milleneum ibuprofen! OK, and a muscle relaxer. (it doesn't fuck with my head) So I will test this whole mind over matter bullshit. And write about my scientific results sometime next week. If I sound bitter about it, I'm not. I know I could be a whole lot worse off, and I am thankful for the parts of me that are still in working order. And I am done hiding out at home alone, wallowing in my misery. (melodramatic, I know. I'll blame the pills this time)

I am tentatively mentioning, that maybe (the maybe part because my husband is concerned) we could do a happy hour THIS Friday night? I would love for all of us to get together for alcohol, fun, gossip and laughter. Since there is nothng mysterious about illness and isolation, I'm leaning towards outta sight and outta mind. And I wanna say Here I am! Let's have some fun!

As I was sitting on the couch, my mind freely wandering here and there, I started thinking about when Lori, Kevin(my husband) and I got our tattoo's. (And Shelly got her belly button peirced) I'm not sure why that popped into my head......the only correlation I could find, was that I popped a couple vicoden then, to mask THAT pain. But I also remembered what a good time we had laughing, and squeezing each other's hands to get thru it. Chattering away to take our minds off of the fact that this big dude was taking needles and ink, and creating art IN our bodies.

And we decided to pick a song each. One song, as our theme song for our lives. And for the life of me, I cannot remember anybody elses but my own.(a testament to self absorption?) I do remember where this game came from. Ally McBeal. (Harrison Ford's bony girlfriend) Ally's therapist told her to pick a song, and make it hers. A song that made her feel good, that she could sing (to herself, or outloud) to claim as her theme. I remember Kevin and I picked one together too. The "Our song" was by Journey; Don't stop believin'..I'm going to locate the words around here somewhere. The drugs I'm taking, unfortunately causing a brain fart. Which only allows minimal details to come to the surface.

And now the song I picked, at the time, has been mine all the way back to when it came out. (late eighties? can't quite remember) It was by the Escape Club. I bring this up, because, as I go thru this little bout of pain, I have come to the conclusion, that it is time to retire "my song" the song that has/had never failed to bring me up off my feet, and onto the dance floor, where I abandoned all inhibitions, and flailed about recklessly (dancing...sort of) So I dedicate this post to Wild Wild West by the Escape Club, which is being retired year 2005.

Fortyseven dead beats living in the back street
North East West South all in the same house
Sitting in the back room waiting for the big boom
I'm in the bedroom waiting for my baby

She's so mean, but I don't care
I love her eyes & her wild wild hair
Dance to the beat, that we love best
Heading for the nineties
Living in the wild wild west
The wild wild west........

Heading for the nineties, living in the eighties
Screaming in the backroom, waiting for the big boom.
Give me give me wild west
Give me give me safe sex
Give me love, give me love
Give me time to live it up.

I know, I shortened it quite a bit. (It is after 1:00 AM as I write this) So since I am retiring Wild Wild West, having already "lived it up" and lived thru not just the eighties, but the ninties as well....I need to find a new theme song! Like hairstyles, one must try at times to change with the times. So here my search begins....

And this is where I am assigning all who read this post, an assignment. This assignment is Find your theme song, and post it. To all of my home girls (also a test of whether or not you're reading me anymore?) Jenny, Shelly, Vickie and Lori. You can post a comment on here, without being a member or having to sign up. Post it under anonymous, and just put your name IN the message, at the end of "your song" And Jackie, I wanna see yours too. And any suggestions you may have for me. I am looking for somthing more appropriate for me NOW. Not me of the eighties or the ninties. So to all who read my foggy drug induced ramblings of the evening, I want your songs. You too, http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ and http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ What song makes you feel good, that you would claim it as yours;-) I look forward to reading some songs!

Now, one other rambling. I have blog envy! I saw the most eye catching blog! I am amazed at the amount of imagination, and I have to say it, TALENT, that goes into some of these sites! So, if you get a chance, check out http://barefootramblings.blogspot.com/ I AM jealous, but also inspired. I intend to try and learn different things you can do to web sites, or blogs, to enhance them. And; it only took me many many hours, but I did figure out, and successfully attach a counter to my site!!! I am quite pleased with myself. Although my true goal, still lies ahead of me.

But for now, my cat Smoky and I must bid you all goodnight! :-) And, sweet dreams.

14 Comments:

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger The G-man, at 4:12 AM  

  • I started to post my comments on the whole theme song issue, but got a little long winded.

    So, you can read the comments here:

    http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/2005/01/can-you-hum-few-bars.html

    By Blogger The G-man, at 4:13 AM  

  • helllllllo...i have yet to think of what my song would be, so expect another comment in the near future. HOWEVER, i did want to say, don't be intimidated by the way some other sites look, in the case of barefoot ramblings i know that she hired someone to design the website for her (not that that's a wrong thing or anything)...just wanted to make sure that you don't think that everyone has all this knowledge to make everything look all nice and perrrty and you're the only one left out, 'cause believe me you're not

    By Blogger ak, at 7:08 AM  

  • Hey baby!!! First of all let me say I feel "HORRIBLE" about not checking in with you to see how you've been. Some homegirl I am. You are so special to me and I guess I've been so wrapped up in my crazy life that I wasn't being the friend I want to be. I hope Happy Hour is still on for Friday, because I miss you!!
    Ok...the song thing. Did I ever pick one on our Tattoo day? I sure don't remember, but I do know that my favorite all time song is "Sweet Child Of Mine". My homey Shelly can verify that for you! ;) Now I have to tell you that my "man" and I have a song, even though he's never heard it....lol. (I've told him about it..wanted to save it for a slow dance with him) The song is "I Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain. It is sooooo us it gives me chills when I hear it. Not sure how much room I have here so I don't want to bore you with the song lyrics, but if you get a chance look them up.
    Ok dear...I love you and I hope your feeling better. Hope to see you Friday night!!! (If not a lunch sooner :)
    Your homegirl Lori!!!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:41 AM  

  • Hey, it's Jenny and I think my favorite all time song would be Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages". I remember going to a Def Leppard concert and just "Rockin" out with my girlfriends. It was a blast. And now that the YEARS have past...everytime I hear that song, it takes me back to my younger years when all I card about was "Partying and having fun".

    Here's the lyrics:
    Gunter glieben glauchen globen
    All right
    I got something to say
    Yeah, it's better to burn out
    Yeah, than fade away
    All right
    Ow Gonna start a fire
    C'mon!
    Rise up! gather round
    Rock this place to the ground
    Burn it up let's go for broke
    Watch the night go up in smoke

    Rock on! Rock on!

    Drive me crazier, no serenade
    No fire brigade, just Pyromania

    What do you want? What do you want?
    I want rock'n'roll, yes I do
    Long live rock'n'roll

    Oh let's go, let's strike a light
    We're gonna blow like dynamite
    I don't care if it takes all night
    Gonna set this town alight

    What do you want? What do you want?
    I want rock'n'roll, Allright!
    Long live rock'n'roll

    Rock of ages, rock of ages
    Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
    Rock of ages, rock of ages
    Still rollin', rock'n'rollin'

    We got the power, got the glory
    Just say you need it and if you need it
    Say yeah!

    Heh heh heh heh
    Now listen to me
    I'm Burnin', Burnin', I got the fever
    I know for sure, there ain't no cure
    So feel it, don't fight it, go with the flow
    Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme one more for the road

    What do you want? What do you want?
    I want rock'n'roll, You betcha
    Long live rock'n'roll

    Repeat Chorus

    We're gonna burn this damn place down
    Down to the ground

    Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

    Jenny

    Okay, now I've dated myself! But I still get carded! What fun is that!

    Take care and we'll see you on Friday!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:49 AM  

  • G-Man! Loved your post! But not famalier with your song though....I'll have to look it up online.

    AK~ Thanks for the encouragement! And letting me know that my plain web site, is not the only one out there. Payed someone huh??? hmmmmm.....That thought doesn't sound too bad to me. Excep't then what will I have learned? Nada. So I guess I'll keep struggling along for now:-)

    Lori! Please don't feel bad! I know all I would have to do is reach out there and say "Hey, I'm struggling. And you would be there for me! As I would for you! You did pick Sweet Child of Mine, once you wrote it, I remembered you picking it! The "Our song" I'm not famalier with....yur gonna have to sing it for me on Friday!:-) And catch me up on the latest happenings! So we're on for Happy Hour! Love you! PS. Come armed with all the latest gossip.

    Jenny, You don't look 18! Let alone 21! And I'll leave your REAL age out of it. Although I think I may have mentioned it in a previous post. (sorry) I like your choice of song too by the way. The 80's rocked! Big hair, spandex, and all night partying! Although I think Def Leppards, Pour some sugar on me, kicked butt! *Heavy sigh* life sure has changed since then. Bring the hubby friday if you can. And since your pregnant, you need to try a virgin Mai Tai. I couldn't drink enough of those when I was pregnant with rug rat #1 (Robby) Lot's of juices and vitamin C in them. See ya Friday, and spread the word. Love ya!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 12:27 PM  

  • Oh! And I almost forgot! Your not off the hook ak.
    I want you to post your theme song. Which I am sure you are racking your brain to choose?;-) I am just headed over to your site, to see your 100 things about me. Anyone else wanna come with me and check it out, here it is http://chaoticphoenixak.blogspot.com/
    And do write out your lyrics, if you have the time. It makes it easier to recognize. Have a great day!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 12:48 PM  

  • Ok...There is no way in Hell that I will be singing to you on Friday. Well get a few Perfect Margarita's down me and you never know what will happen! They do make for an exciting night! ;) So I looked and found the lyrics to the song I was telling you about that is soooo Mr Wonderful and me. You might even be able to relate to the words as well....so here goes:

    I Could Not Ask For More

    Lying here with you
    Listening to the rain
    Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
    These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
    These are the moments I'll remember all my life
    I found all I've waited for
    And I could not ask for more

    Looking in your eyes
    Seeing all I need
    Everything you are is everything to me
    These are the moments I know heaven must exist
    These are the moments I know all I need is this
    I have all I've waited for
    And I could not ask for more

    I could not ask for more than this time together
    I could not ask for more than this time with you
    Every prayer has been answered
    Every dream I have's come true
    And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
    Here with you here with me

    Ok baby...there ya go! See ya Friday! Lori

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:55 PM  

  • Great question! I will have to think about that one. G-man stole mine ( The Dance)! So, I suppose I will have to come up with another one. Give me a day or so. Please!

    By Blogger Brat, at 5:23 PM  

  • Hey Brat,
    I think we should chalk up the song G-man used as the "our song" and he should come up with HIS theme song, as well as you coming up with one. Kevin and I both wanted Journey's Don't Stop Believin', so it was an "our song". AND we both had to come have our own theme song. This now puts the pressure on him, to come up with another one as well;-) And of course I get more "fun stuff" to read! I'll be watching for your picks!:-)

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 9:04 PM  

  • He can have the song! I will come up with another one. There are so many good ones! Besides he replied first. I am just not fast enough!

    By Blogger Brat, at 7:13 AM  

  • well it's not exactly a theme song of my life or anything like that but whenever i hear the song i can't help but singing along doing my best impression of someone with any form of vocal talent. and so with that, i give you crush:

    Crazy how it feels tonight
    Crazy how you make it all alright love
    You crush me with the things you do
    I do for you anything

    Sitting, smoking, feeling high
    In this moment it feels so right
    Lovely lady
    I am at your feet
    God I want you so badly

    I wonder this
    Could tomorrow be
    So wondrous as you there sleeping
    Let's go drive 'til morning comes
    Watch the sunrise
    To fill our souls up
    Drink some wine 'til we get drunk

    It's crazy I'm thinking
    Just knowing that the world is round
    Here I'm dancing on the ground
    Am I right side up or upside down
    Is this real or am I dreaming?

    Lovely lady
    Let me drink you please
    I won't spill a drop, I promise you
    Lying under this spell you cast on me
    Each moment
    The more I love you
    Crush me
    Come on

    Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly
    Adore you I mean
    You crush me
    It's times like these
    When my faith I feel
    And I know how I love you
    Come on lady

    To each other we'll be facing
    By love we'll beat back the pain
    We've found you know
    I mean to tell you all the things
    I've been thinking deep inside
    My friend
    With each moment the more I love you
    Crush me
    Come on

    Lady
    So much you have given love
    That I would give you back
    Again and again
    Meaning I'll hold you
    And please
    Let me always



    for those of you who have not ever heard it i urge you to go out and download or buy it RIGHT NOW! the lyrics alone can't do the song justice.

    By Blogger ak, at 8:07 AM  

  • Thanks! AK, for responding, and taking the time to post your lyrics. (And they are officially now YOUR lyrics!) Not in the legal sense, for anyone anal enough to worry bout that, we're just havin' some fun! So if I wanted to go out and buy it, what artist would I be looking for? And, do you know the name of this particular CD?

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 9:16 PM  

  • I believe Crush is a song from The Dave Matthews Band!

    By Blogger Brat, at 9:42 PM  

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