Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Nightmares & Confessions

Saturday morning, I woke myself up, with my own muffled cry, from one of those nightmares, that seem so real, you experience pain in the pit of your stomache. I sat up right, looked over at my deeply sleeping spouse, and abrubtly, and not so gently, nudged him awake. And I was angry at him! That bastard had cheated on me! My stomache is still hurting, and I am shaky as he asked me, (still half asleep) "WHAT!? Whud I do?"

To which I cried out, YOU CHEATED ON ME! WITH SOME BLONDE BIMBO, WHO WAS CUTTING YOUR HAIR! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME!

Now he is completely awake. Wearing this, this isn't fair! look all over his face. Quickly replaced with that condescending, parental role look, that says " I must calm this hysterical woman down." He gently says, "Tamber, it was a dream, I have NOT cheated on you, and I have been laying beside you all night." To which I replied, "But it was SOOOO REAL. My stomache still hurts because of it. My inner thoughts, and superstitions asking me if this is some kinda vision, of what's to come....

This was a brutal awakening (ok, for him too) for someone who doesn't really qualify as awake, until half a pot of coffee is whirling its way thru my system. And now that fact is irritating me, this brutal awakening, on the day of MY special party...It's not fair! I have too much work to do, to ensure my party is fun for all! And now I'm disoriented, irritated. not really awake without my coffee, and STILL my stomache aches! He hugs me, grabs at a body part or two, and reassures me, I am the only woman who "does it" for him. My irritation does start to subside, with the brimming cup of hot coffee, he hands me, in bed.

As we make our way thru the newspaper, and a pot of coffee, my mind is still wandering back to the nightmare. Or more to the point, WHY did I have this nightmare? (Still looking for the hidden meaning, in the dream.)

As superstitious as this sounds, this is somthing that dates all the way back, to when a 9 yr old girl (myself) dreams of shitloads of snakes squirming around, under my very own bed. Completely distraught, I go to mom, for comfort. Mom, a 25 yr old, mother of the 70's, promptly interprets my dream for me. (Since she has read several, dime store self help psycho babble dream interpretation books; she is a pro) She calmly announces to her completely shaken daughter, "you have penis envy. It's no big deal." Oh, but for the wisdom of moms! Now at 41, penis envy doesn't sound like much, and certainly no big deal. But at 9, having never even seen a penis (my little brothers excluded) this is quite traumatic. First, what's envy? Second, I don't think about a penis. Ever. At all. But hey, mom's the pro. And now I am told, my dreams have hidden meanings, and I must just try and figure it out, and then, just let it go. I am sorry to say, that the penis has turned up in my dreams, in one form, or another, ever since then.

So back to the cheating husband...and its hidden meaning.....It took me a few hours, but I did indeed figure out, the TRUE meaning behind this nightmare. I mull the meaning over in my brain, for another hour while getting on my Sex and the City garb, for my party. It's noon by now, and my g/f's will be here in an hour. But it's time to confess the meaning to my wrongly accused husband. Who by now, only has his mind on the various Football games, that are playing, and will be played that very day. And has completely forgotten about the morning's abrupt beginning.

I melodramatically approach him, and announce in dreaded tones, " I know why I had that dream! I have to tell you, get it off my chest, and confess what I have done." ( That last phrase, I knew, got his attention) I continue for added affect, "and you're not going to like it." I feel his sense of urgency now (although this could be for missing a play in his game) as he says "What, just tell me."

" Well, I started a blog. And I wasn't going to tell you about it. I just didn't want you making fun of me, or God forbid critiquing it, or (trigger word here) EDITING it. Since my spouse has worked in Newspapers for 30 years, as an Editor and reporter, this thought brings about panic, and defensiveness. The last thing I would want, is for my professional writing husband, to play editor, on my new hobby. He follows this up, with " I'm not surprised. You were enjoying reading them so much, I assumed you would eventually start one." He reassures me, that 1. He will only read posts, that I want, and ask him to read. 2. That he would never belittle or poke fun at me for it. and 3. Editing, is the last thing on his mind, once he clocks off the job. OK, I experience a little sigh of relief, but....

I continue with, "But there's more. I thought you would feel a sense of betrayal, that I didn't share this with you." Spouse: Not at all. It isn't any big deal. ( This kinda pinches my feelings, as I see my new hobby AS a big deal. But I realize that's probably my PMS doin' the feeling right now. He also is very aware of this being that "special week") So, I just continue with, "Well about my dream, I wrote somthing in a post, that was flippant, and made light of cheating. And I beleive, this is why I dreamt of YOU cheating." So, I let him read THAT post. And he chuckles when he get's to that line, the one that says " A show that we were more faithful to then most of our EX husbands." So in the end, it is just my guilty conscience, and a good friend, who had pointed out that keeping secrets isn't good for a relationship (I'm summing it up here) In case my friend Lee, is reading this and comes back with a "That's not what I said." (More on Lee, and his impact on my thoughts, and actions, in a later post.) At any rate, confessions are good for the soul...and, I am now free, to write whatever I like, whenever I like, without having to look over my shoulder, in fear of being discovered. As if it would even happen during football season anyway.

SEX PARTY UPDATE

Fun was had by all! The outfits were ALL fantastic! And Lori (who is 44 and looks 30) won the prize! She found the best little top (sheer & white) which she wore a black bra under that screamed Carrie! It was awsome. Shelly, brought her significant other Brian along, to keep my husband Kevin company. We watched Sex, and played Sex trivia in between episodes. Seems our memories for details arn't as strong as we all assumed they would be. The last 4 episodes had Jenny (who is newly pregnant) , Vickie, (recently broken up with b/f she was in love with) and Lori (who is seeing a married man) sobbing sporadically, during them. I'm not going to bother to analyze the sobbing right now. It's a woman thing, I think. How do I know they had fun? They all said so, in between sobs. Afterwards Kevin built a bon-fire out in the back yard, where we continued to drink, chat, laugh, and tentatively plan other get togethers. I sent the barely eaten on, obligatory fruit platter, and a third of a choc. cake home with Jenny. She's pregnant, with young kids, they'll eat the cake, and Jenny needs the vitamins from the fruit. And I won't have to watch the fruit slowly rot, in my fridge for a week. We ended the evening with a slow soak in the jacuzzi, before falling alseep in front of the TV. To a middle-aged couple, this was a sucessful, social gathering.

2 Comments:

  • This was a great post!! Sounds like such a great day all in all. If you ever need a dream analyzed, let me know LOL I have a "Dream Book" Your husband sounds like a neat guy too btw!! But this party with your girlfriends, wow!! too fun :o) I'm finally taking the time to read old entries on my favorite blogs, and yours is a ton of fun to read!!!! Really enjoying it!!

    By Blogger Sis, at 9:37 AM  

  • Thanks Sis! That makes me feel good, that you enjoyed reading it. And I appreciate you commenting to tell me.:-) It's "icing on the cake" having you enjoy somthing I had so much fun writing.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 12:14 PM  

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