Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Week-end Cocooning

Everyone's tucked into bed, and I'm alone for a few minutes to write. Overall it was a good week-end, alone with my husband. Saturday night, we did date night, and it went well. And there was some fun. We went to Phoenix and saw Million Dollar Baby. I did nod off for about 15 to 20 minutes in the beginning. Somthing about the dark and those comfortable seats. And the movie just didn't pull me into it right away. All though it did grow on me, once I was fully awake. And I had a little bit of a good cry towards the end. Sorry, I won't say much more, in case you haven't seen it. Overall it was a good movie. And I think deserving of Best picture. (Except I hadn't seen 3 of them that were also up for it. lol)

We went to Houston's and had a fantastic dinner. Nothing says fantastic like a great salad and big slab of prime rib. And a couple of cosmopolitans too. Very enjoyable evening alone with my man!

Today, we just cocooned for the day. Layed in bed, a little slap and tickle action, played cards, and my hubby made my favorite home made meal of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. (I've eaten a lot of horse radish this week-end!) And then we watched a couple of pre- shows to the academy's. I love down time alone with my husband, it reminds me of why we got married in the first place.

The kids came back from their father's tonight, but by the time they get here, and we go over homework and sign everything off, argue with Riley about needing a shower more then once a week, get him to shower and get ready for bed, then it's bed time or past bedtime.

I really was relunctant to "let go" of the week-end. Which menas I know it was good. Week-days are so hectic. And this week promises to be more so then normal.

I start physical therapy tomorrow for my back, and having never done P.T. I have no idea what to expect. This isn't scheduled until 4:15 PM, which is really going to throw the whole monday routine off a bit. Mondays are Girl scouts night too. Which usually puts bedtime late, with dinner, and homework.

I also have lunch scheduled with the homegirls. We haven't done a lunch in what seems like forever, although in reality it might just be a week and a half. But I know they will have some fun gossip about their girls trip to Vegas, so I am looking forward to it! Jenny and I didn't go, just Lori, Shelly, and Vickie. They like to have a rambunctious good time, and can easily drink me under the table and party a good deal of the night away. So I am looking forward to a little vicarious ride tomorrow.

I haven't seen Jenny since our last lunch, and I am looking forward to seeing how her pregnancy is progressing as well! I have asked for the honor of throwing her a baby shower, as soon as we learn the sex.

I also need to do a little shopping for the week-end. Saturday is the Tempe Governors Ball, and the dress I am wearing is silver and a light blue. None of my evening bags will go with it. They are all black, in one form or another. So I neeed to go in search of a silver evening bag. (Thats actually going to be the fun part of the day.) That, and hitting the tanning beds. I am too damn pale! I don't like dark, dark tans on me, but a little color will be nice.

So tomorrow will be quite full for a monday. I like easing into the week, and there is just nothing I can really put off to the next day. (I am the master procrastinator)


My brother called me tonight, to give me an update on Kathy. Seems she got out of surgery, after they drained fluid off of her heart, and developed a blood clot in her "good" lung. So she isn't out of the hospital yet. They opened her up, and she had tumors everywhere. The inevitable is upon us unfortunately. She has a strong will to hold on. Which is evident just from how long she has held on already. When she was told about the blood clot, her comment was, "Well, it can't be that bad, I'm not dead." I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers yesterday to her house, I hope my cousin took them to her in the hospital today. Just praying for her, and her family.

I am done trying to analyze the fairness of it all. It isn't fair, it just is. And we all have a date with destiny...some people will have theirs before others. I guess this is called acceptance. She is a great, strong lady. Who will be remembered and missed dearly. I know people always say that either about the terminally ill, or the dead. But this woman truly, truly was/ IS. And I know she has touched many many lives. Mine included.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Dealing with...

I am putting my husband's daily e-mail to me, for today in here. HE should be the one with a blog. His way with words has always had my admiration, and awe. This morning, with a good nights sleep, has me not feeling quite so pissed anymore. More of a concern, and sadness, for people all around me, who are struggling with some sort of pain, whether it be emotional, or a loss, or a death, or are just overwhelmed with so many of life's little complexities. I lift each one up in prayer. That's all I can do, in the onslaught of so many things in life, that are beyond our control. Prayer, and my compassion.

These life events (for lack of a better word coming to me) are not happening to me. And deep down I know, are not due to some "curse" I invented to be able to deal. They are a part of life. They happen when they happen. Believing in a higher power, (in my case, Jesus Christ) I want to find a rhyme or reason to events. I cannot blame this higher power, but can't come to terms with a loving God allowing pain. In my simplicity, I invented "the curse".

It was easier to log, all the injustices that I felt occurred in my cursed month. By doing this, I felt I could be more in control the other 11 months out of the year. It's my fairy tale I use to deal. I allow myself to wallow in, self pity? sadness? helplessness? for one month outta the year. Granted, life happenings had made it easier to choose this month out of all the others. But it is, what it is. The trauma's that happen, in the sense of my mother, or Kathy, in reality, did not happen to me. It happened to them. They lived amidst their personal crisis, and they struggled, hurt, and dealt. These are not my personal trauma's. As it is my blog, for my personal feelings, and pains, it has been about what I went thru standing helplessly by, watching them move thru it.

My husband's words, put it far better then I ever could. Watching someone you love, care about, and want good things for, get just the opposite, leaves no words to express, that actually eases pain. They have to go thru it, and no one with words can take away their pain. We can with just our presence, our compassion, let them know, we are there, and that we care. That connection in life, I do believe is powerful. Not necessarily to ease pain, just to acknowledge, validate and let them know, that they are not alone. And ultimately, I do believe there is comfort in that.

Subject :

At a time of sadness like Kathy's turn for the worst brings, I find both an
advantage and a disadvantage in being there for you. The advantage is that
you have the intellect and heart to see into this tragedy and realize the
powerlessness of man in the face of death and hence I can always count on
you making a peace, however uncomforting, with such a tragedy. The
disadvantage is that I find words fail me in my effort to comfort you
precisely because your mind and your heart already know just about anything
I could tell you and it would almost sound naive and condescending of me to
say just about anything.
Still, I went to bed sad for you, sad because you have to deal with this
and sad because I really couldn't do much but listen to you. That wasn't
because I was tired, but because I know your mind and your heart all too
well and that you know all too well the senselessness and outrage and utter
despair we all feel when a loved one dies, especially when that someone is
so young.
I thought back to my feelings when my brother died and when my mom passed.
The latter in many ways was much easier to deal with: No, I don't like the
fact that time relentlessly rolls on and steals our youth and the joys we
discovered in family and friends. But when we reflect on death's
inevitability and look at the deceased's long life, we can draw comfort in
some ways: If we took the time as often as we could to tell that person we
loved them, and if we can see where even if that person's life was a hard
one, we could see the joys that that person had in spite of hardship, we
can find some consolation. So it was with me and my mom: I knew her life
was hard, but I knew she retained her innate joy in life. I knew I had made
a lot of time (there is never enough)
for her. I knew I told her many times not only that I loved her but that
she had given me so much that I would always remember her.
It was different with Pete. Yes, I had many fond memories of him because we
played together as kids, spent hours conversing about the intellectual and
emotional discoveries one makes as one leaves childhood for adulthood, and
could spend long periods of time apart and then come together as if we had
seen each other every day. Yet, I was angry, brutalized by sadness because
he was leaving at 45. In his final weeks, I couldn't even talk to him
because his wife claimed he couldn't. She just kept me apprised of how he
was doing as his life relentlessly wound down to zero.
And then, a few days before he died, the phone rang and I picked it up and
his wife gave the phone to Pete. he was trying to say something but his
voice had become so distorted by drugs and, I guess, the impact of cancer
on his body, that I simply couldn't understand what he was saying. I never
felt the kind of desperation I did in those final minutes as I struggled in
vain to cock my inner ear and pick up his last words to me. And all I could
tell him was be brave and that I loved him.
My words gave me no satisfaction. Nothing left me with comfort.
And I suspect this is all the case now as you look with horror and anger
and sorrow and anguish at what's happening to Kathy.
This is an awfully long and maybe even convoluted way of telling you that I
don't think there is anything meaningful that I can say to you at this time
that will bring you comfort when you think of Kathy.
But what I can tell you is this:
I am there for you to vent your rage at life being cut short. I am there
for you to talk to even as you internally realize that death never makes
sense and rarely brings justification with it. And most of all, I am there
to hold you and let you find comfort in the fact that as long as I draw a
breath, I am yours to lean on without reservation.
I love you, Tamber
with all my heart.

I know why I married this man. And a good deal of it lies with this e-mail. His struggle to help me, he put into words, how I feel, seeing those that I care about struggle. This includes those I have gotten to know thru blogging, who have struggled with different losses, or are struggling. The pain of having cancer, is not a joke. I have senselessly laughed at insensitive remarks made in the past, when it wasn't real to me. (And sought forgiveness for it) The loss of a love. We all go thru it at one point or another, but it doesn't lessen the pain of those going thru it now, whether it be a child, a fiancee, a husband, or a friend.

There is a small group of bloggers, that I have learned of their pain, and struggles and triumphs. And I respect, care and admire them. They put into words, in their personal blogs part of their struggle, and I lift up a prayer for them today. I don't know how appropriate it would be to list them, and if they ask me to I will remove them from this post. But I want to tell them, what my husband told me. I recognize your struggles, and cannot ease them, whatever they are. But I care.

Rachel You're one helluva a woman, and I see a strength in you that I admire, in 15 different ways. I can't give any words that will comfort you, but you're in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Brat You struggled with cancer, and still deal with problems associated with it. You have my respect, and admiration, for someone who has walked thru the fires of this nightmare, and came out the otherside. Whole, open, caring and full of anticipation for what life has yet to bring you. I cheer for you, and congratulate you.

G-man You lost a love, and your dreams for your future as you worked for it to unfold. You shared your pain with us here, and I have seen you feel it, work thru it, and regain your strength (and your sense of humor ) as you now anticipate what joys life will bring you in the future. I care about you, and always want to feel the privilege of being able to call you my friend.

And for those that don't know it, there is a special relatonship between Brat and G-man, that if put into a book, I would buy it! Their friendship started online, and has grown closer then one would think possible from an internet, long distannce relationship, that has spanned several years. Some of which they have shared here on their blogs. I watch their two lives, from their blogs with anticipation of what the future may hold for them. (As jaded as I claim to be, I am a romantic at heart!)

There are a few others in this blog world, that I know are struggling with a myriad of life little mishaps, and that can be frustrating and disheartening as well. Hang in there AK we both know today will be better. (Yesterday's post spoke to me, as I went thru a week, this month, similar to your day yesterday.)

Catt, taking your little one to the ER, I know is emotionally draining. And I am happy she is doing well. You put the feelings of what a mother goes thru during an ER visit down with laser sharp accuracy.

I guess I am going thru this list, because when you're struggling with your own pain, during someone you loves crisis, it helps to come out of yourself, and show the compassion you feel, for others who are struggling.

Life happens, and I cannot change that. I have no control over it, and I guess I just have to accept that. And it's arrogant of me, to even sub-consciously believe that I do have a say, or control over any of it.

I wish the best for all these people, who I have come to care about, either over the internet or in my personal life. It doesn't mean a happily ever after outcome. But it does mean strength, and growth, even when I see no rhyme or reason.....

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Countdown - 4 days until March

This evening, I went to a few of my favorite blogs, to read and take my mind off of the news that came to me this evening. My cousins wife, and one time intimate friend, is in the hospital tonight. I wrote about her briefly in The Feb. curse part 2 post I think. She has had cancer for a few years now, and has fought it bravely, stoicly, and with grace. She almost got all the way thru her Hawaii vacation with her family, when she started having symptoms of cardiac arrest. (She is 44 or 45, I can't remember which) She was in the hospital in Hawaii at the time, to have the fluid drained off of her lungs like she does every 10 days or so now. But things were so bad, they flew her back straight away, to see her doc. She is scheduled for surgery in the morning......but it's cancer, things don't get better when you're terminal. She's scared.

The blogs I hit, to read, a couple of them were struggling as well, in one form or another. And I lifted up a prayer for each. As well as Kathy. I'm going to go to bed now, I'm too drained, and pissed. Pissed doesn't sound like the right emotion...and probably isn't. I just have a problem when bad things happen to good people. I don't understand it, and feel helpless in the power of things that are completley out of anyones control. Helpless, and without the right words.

g'night blogosphere.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Kids Week-End

Thought I would try and write a quick post. Week-ends usually do not afford me too much time to do so. But kid's Week-end even less. The time on a week-end is so precious. It means my husband isn't working, and on kids week-end, I am with them more then during the school week.

Sometimes I feel like I am pulled into too many directions. My husband and I have been married a little over two years. Which in my book, makes us still pretty much newlyweds. We still crave (and hopefully always will) blocks of uninterrupted time together.

My children, are only with me, every other week. Which means I have to try and make the most out of the every other week-end time spent with them. It's nice having every other week-end just with my new husband, as we work at building a life together. But in some ways I feel it puts more pressure on me, to make my children's week-end extra special. Since overall they do without their mother half of the year. Except for various phone calls during my X's week, and a quick visit here and there, when they stop by.

During kids week, I have my daughter, who needs me more, as she enters into the melo-dramatic zone of puberty. My new husband, who always likes to bounce his workdays off of me, and Satan's Spawn, who instead of coming out and saying, I need attention, will act out, and up, to get it. So I feel like this rubberband, trying to fulfill all of their needs, by splitting my time with each of them. And maybe it's just my own mind, but I feel like they all feel they each are being shortchanged in the area of mom, and wife's attention.

And then there is the balance of trying to put together "family time" as a unit. Watching the delicate balance of my kids building a relationship with their step-dad. Which if I had to judge it, I think it would come thru with flying colors. And I think that is completley due to my husband's maturity, and patience. He watches as the X saunters thru our home, on a fairly regular basis, and handles the situation with grace, and patience. Far more then I would, if the roles were reversed.

So, at times I feel like this helpless bystander, trying to manipulate all of these various relationships, so that everyone comes out happy and content. Which brings me to working. If I worked full time like I have in the past, everyone is short changed even more. And topping that list would be me. Any alone time to myself, would be non-existent. Which means I am not in the right frame of mind to do all these other relationships justice.

So when my husband tells me, he would rather I not work fulltime, I whole heartedly agree with him. And my kids, they feel the same way, and have told me so in no uncertain terms. My daughter has come right out and said, "mom, when you work fulltime, you're tired all the time, and I don't get time with you like we have when you're not working." Pretty clear communication.

In the day, and age, when women are being told, we can have it all, career, marraige, kids, home. I'm here to say, I can't. I can't do it. I end up with this overwhelming sense of guilt, that leaves me thinking I have short changed all areas. And failed, in all areas. These feelings are not condusive with a happy life.

So, in my case, it comes down to choices. I cannot have it all. I cannot have it all, and feel good, content, happy. Being able to look each member of my family in the eyes, with any sense of joy shining thru.

There are so many conflicting points of view, swimming around in my head. Views that at one time or another, I have embraced. I've wanted to feel like an independent modern woman, who has it all. I have wanted to be "The Total Woman", whose marraige is successful, whose husband is content, with all his fantasies and desires fulfilled. I have wanted to be "mother of the year", who is sensitive to her children's needs, not just physically and mentally, but emotionally as well.

And where the hell is all this time going to come from, in order for me to fulfill all these lofty ideas?? Some women do it. They do it all, and look like the the most well organized, successful all around modern women. I wonder though, does this bring them that elusive sense of contentment? Probably so, although because I admit right off the bat, I can't, I don't want to believe it. I have my children only half time, and still do not feel it's workable. And these women are full time at all their positions, and even manage to look great while doing it all.

So I enter in to another kid's week-end, knowing I must do everything I can, to make them happy with their relationship with their mother. And a husband who puts in near 60 hours a week, who looks to the week-end for us to renew our bond, and refresh his spirit. With these thoughts always at the forfront of my brain, that makes sitting down at the computer to post, almost a sin in my book.

Although I am glad I have taken the time today, to puke up these feelings in my oh so precious blog. This blog, that is mine, where I can put all these conflictiong emotions, and feelings of ineptness. And I can do my best, to rebel against these negative thoughts. Before walking away from it, to fulfill my responsibilities, and create joy for myself in these precious family bonds.

Today, on the list, is first my daughter. This being in some ways easier then the one with my son, and even my husband during kids week. I have a fitting for my formal at 2:00 PM for the "prom" my husband and I attend. My daughter loves stuff like this. So I am able to kill the two proverbial birds with one stone. Time with daughter, and necessary errand. On this same frame, we head over to the nail salon, where I need a pedicure to make these old woman toes look pretty in delicate heels, for said "prom". She will get a pedicure as well, which she loves. Again another two birds.

And then homeward to try and make some meaningful contact with Riley (aka; Satans Spawn) Which is much harder to do. And I admit, I rely on my husband to do a good deal of this. He will take Riley to get a haricut, and along on a few errands with him. My contact with Riley is much more minimal. I try to chat with him, watch his latest yo yo trick, clapping at his expertise. And just snuggle him, which he loves so much, although 50% of the time he will pull away and try and act manly. The week is spent trying to help him be sucessful in his school work, usually at the expense of time with daughter and husband.

Riley and I usually get to chat more, on monday nights while Tayler is at girlscouts. And it really does astound me, how bright, and intellegent he is. I don't manage to see it, when we are a family as he is usually busy acting out in one form or another. When we are alone, one on one, he is much calmer, and usally tries to impress me with his knowledge on various subjects. It pulls me up short, and makes me wonder how I can connect with him more on this level. But again, where is the time going to come from?

Maybe I am too serious about these different interactions. Maybe I am just too damn co-dependent in my own way. I do always manage to find time for myself, and I always know how to pamper myself. Much more then most of the women I know. This fact flies in the face of any image of the self sacrificing mom, and wife. My torture is truly mentally and emotionally, and doesn't really manifest itself in any short changing of "my time." (Except I try NOT too spend more then a few moments either reading blogs, or posting on the week-end) This only "sacrifice" I make, would make most of my friends laugh. As they know what true sacrifice is.

Will I regret this someday? Who knows. I know I feel guilty for NOT being more self sacrificing. But obviously not enough to change things......

There is an article this week, in Newsweek, in fact the cover story, called The Myth of the Perfect Mom. Why it Drives Real Women Crazy, by Judith Warner. With a related article, Moms Shouldn't be Martyrs by Anna Quindlen. Just these titles, allowed me momentarily to experience a sigh of relief. I haven't read the articles yet, as I don't want the moment to fade, with anything that it might say, that would contradict how I defined these titles.(I do plan on reading them this week-end.) You can find these artciles at if you're interest. (Don't know if this link is going to work, until I post this, but I'll check it at that point. And correct it if necessary.)

I am hoping these articles validate my life, and relieve some of the guilt. I'll let you know. I know, what a hypocrite. I live my life as I see fit, but can't handle the guilt for my choices, and look outwardly to have it relieved. Part of me, feels I have the right to enjoy life, and some time to myself. And I have no problem taking it. So why do I continue to feel guilty? Is it just the whole closet bitch mentality? Wouldn't I be better off, standing up and embracing the bitch in me? Instead of hiding it in the closet half of the time, and be like "other mothers" self sacrificing and lovin' it.

I just can't seem to fake it good enough. It isn't me. It was my choice to have these beautiful children, so why am I not falling in to line, and fulfilling the roll of self sacrificing mommyhood? I love my babies, and I want them to be happy, healthy, contented, well-adjusted children. But I want to keep me, and who I am too. Obviously I want this more. Or, I want both. And am just bitchy enough to demand it. Now would somebody please fucking validate me! And my wayward mentality.

Well, I need to hop into the shower and get ready for the day. The guilt is already setting in, as I sit here and write this self absorbed post, I hear the vacuum running, as my overworked husband is busily cleaning up.....LOL, fuck me. I suck. And still they clamor for my attention. I can't wait until February is up, and I quit beating myself up, and succumbing to life's little mishaps.

It's time to put on my happy face, and be the mother everyone says I should be. Wish me luck....

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Cat Tired! (Means dog-tired, but I'm a cat person)

The day has left me drained. I am sitting here writing, even though 30 seconds ago, I had decided NOT to post tonight. This was much easier to do, back when everyone took over my responsibilites, and let me sleep in, in the morning. I have been getting up at 5:00 AM again, making lunches, reading the paper, getting the kids ready for school, and then chaufferring them around, off and on thru out the day. As well as planning and preparing dinner, and just barely trying to keep ahead of the clutter, that is part of living with children. Major culture shock!

I am going to have to find a way to cut back on time I am surfing blogs, to fit in actually posting, before it's well after 11:00 and I am too damn tired to think straight, let alone type somthing up with decent grammar, and sentence structure. I am a slow methodical thinker, so I haven't figured out how to rearrange my schedule, to where I won't end up getting into trouble for neglecting my duties. But I will, eventually.

My daughter's concert was sweet. I was very proud watching her up in front of the auditorium, singing her little heart out. We were a few minutes late, by the time the hubby got home, and had his unwind drink, and getting Riley ready to go, all the while he is bitching about how boring it's going to be.

Secretly, I was agreeing with him. It was going to be another night, where our school night routine was thrown off. I don't like that. Or I don't like the chaos it causes. So I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself getting all sentimental watching Tayler sing. Especially, just walking into the auditorium, I had my panties all in a bunch over Kevin's lack of taste.

First, before I rant on one of my pet peeves, I want to say, he is the most wonderful man I have ever known in my life. (Husband) He buys me flowers almost every week. He is even tempered, and very patient with me. If I don't feel like cooking, even after I planned out dinner, he is the first to suggest, why don't I just pick somthing up on the way home? Even though, HE is the one who worked all day at a job outside the home.

Kevin also cooks a great deal. And I don't think I have actually been THE ONE who scrubbed tile floors (I do touch ups every other day, or try to) this whole last year. HE DOES IT. I would say, he does the bulk of the laundry around here as well. And he does these things with a smile on his face. He loves it when I suggest we go out. And is totally content, to just stay home and vegetate. I am more of a homebody, I really love just being here with him. He IS my best friend. And he laughs at my jokes. (I'm not funny. I know this. And yes, I keep trying to be.)

He has never scoffed at, or got upset at, any of the clothes he sees coming thru the mail order. And there has been a lot! He loves to take mini-vacations, and if I say, hey we have the money, and I need somthing to look forward to, he's on the phone making the reservations. Every year, we go to the Tempe Governors Ball, and for the last 3 years, he has bought me a new formal. He agrees with me, that I can't wear the same one...the same people are there, they might notice. This years dress, was a whopping $240.00 (I know, it's tacky putting out prices, but it's the impact of his generosity) He comes with me to shop for it, and actually helps me hunt for the perfect dress. And heartily agreed, that THIS WAS THE ONE!

During the "kid week" he helps me every night, with the homework load. In fact, he takes the high maintenance child, and lets me spend time with my daughter one on one. Tayler is shy, and unless I get her alone, and just hang with her, she would not talk much. This time with her is vital to me. And he fights with Satans Spawn, to get the homework completed while I enjoy my daughter's company. And does so, cheerfully.

This man, is the epitome of romantic. Since we had commited to one another (dating) I have received an e-mail every single day that he works. I should say, a love letter. Always finding new ways to express his love and appreciation for me. I have 3 books of these letters he has printed out and made book folders and gave to me on Christmas or my birthday. Titled "Letters to the woman I love." My e-mail is overflowing with ones not printed out yet. I look forward to these letters everyday, when I sign on after getting the kids off to school.

When he walks thru the front door, after a hard day at the office, all I see on his face, is joy. And happiness, as he expresses how happy he is to be home with me. The latest act, that has floored me, was telling me, that if I didn't want to get a job and go back to work, well I don't have to. He wants me to do somthing that will make me happy. Whether that is get a part time job, take a few classes, whatever I want. (I like the extra spending money, so I will be searching for a part time job.)

When I am sad, or neurotic, or just plain old fashioned PMS'ed, he looks for ways to cheer me up. This man, in my opinion, is too good to be true. And he has committed himself to me, and the kids 100%. And the icing on the cake? He can eat pussy better then any man I have ever met! And does so, often, and consistently. (All right, it is the other way around, THIS is actually WHY I married him.) The rest, is the icing on the cake. I also think he has excellent taste, and style.

Now that I have set the gound work, and let all know just how much I appreciate and love this one of a kind man...I have to vent about one of the few pet peeves, that actually shocks me, under the circumstances. This man is one of the most caring, giving, loving just doesn't make sense to me.

So, we pull into the the High School parking lot, more then just a couple minutes late for Tayler's concert. Of course the parking lot is full. Except; for the 8 handicapped parking spaces. I kinda put this sin up there with, oh murder! Stealing! Hit and just DON'T do it! I am automatically humiliated, embarassed, and angry. This is just the lowest of inconsideration in my book. They ticket people for this. They have done undercover news stories on the scum who would take one of these spots! and the "scum" is MY HUSBAND.

I am mortified, that he would have so little compassion, and consideration, and dare I say it, arrogance? This isn't the man I know. The man I know, would sacrifice absolutely anything for me. And for my kids. The man I know, gives to charities, generously. The man I know, goes to charity functions, and has compassion, for the working poor, the homeless, battered women and children, and rape vicitms. How can such a giving, caring, loving man, have so little regard for these special spots, set asside for the handicapped?

Granted, and he did point this out this evening, we were late, everyone who was going to be at the concert, were already there. And there were many handicapped spots left. But in my mind, this isn't the point. It's the principle of the thing! Black and white. No gray areas here. Rules are rules, and you follow them. You don't question them, or justify breaking those rules. You just follow them.

So, when we entered her concert late. And then he parked us in the handicapped spot, I was more then a little flustered. I don't get it. And I never will. And, this is NOT the first time he has done this. We have the same discussion about it, everytime he does it. Most of the time, I can talk him in to moving. But not everytime.

I, to my shame, will actually try to shame him into moving. He just chuckles. And gives me his unjustifiable justification for his actions.

But in the end, I was able to put it aside, and just enjoy my daughter's performance. Which brings me to yet another disturbing thing he does, that actually I wouldn't mind doing, but am so embarassed, that without his lead, I would not. This was 6 different school choirs perfoming. But when Tayler's was done, and she was seated with her group back in the audience, he went and fetched her, and we left. So, we got there late, parked in a no parking spot, and then got up and rudely left, before all the performers were done. (It did save me the embarssment, of anyone seeing our completley healthy family barrel in to the car parked in the handicapped spot.)

Such a total contradiction with who he is with us. And when it comes to things like this...a different man. I haven't figured him out completely, but I'm sure somewhere out there, there is a dime store, self help, psycho babble book just waiting to be read, on this very topic.

P - T - Q

Lord, grant us greater understanding and patience in differences amoung famly, friends, and nations.

"Be nice to people on your way up. They're the same people you'll pass on the way down. -Jimmy Durante (1893-1980)

What's the point living in the past if you've got to pay today's prices?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Miscellaneous Moments

I learned somthing this week-end, in the down time spent with the hubby. What I learned is, don't play scrabble with an English major, or you will get your ass completely kicked. I did, and I did. It was very enlightening too, though. I learnedwhat a small and insignificant grasp I have on the English language. I was challenging HIS words left and right. Why? Because I have never heard of half the shit he pulled on that scrabble board! We couldn't find the authentic Scrabble Dictionary, so we were running back and forth to the computer, to check out his words. I was a little shocked to realize just how much my husband knew, that I had no clue about it. Like I never realized there were so many 2 letter words. That I wouldn't have even considered words. So finally he just printed out 3 sheets of them for me to cheat off of. And still he won 3 outta 4 games. He also helped me several times when I would lay down a word, proud that I had even managed to FIND one, and he would say move it here, it doubles your points....this happened a half dozen times or so. So even my one measley win, I couldn't get to excited about, certainly not enough for me to do the "in your face" victory dance, that usually the smallest of wins would have me on my feet performing.

What this little game session did do, was provide an opprotunity for the two of us to just relax, and be together. And somthing about bringing out a board game, made us sentimental about life when we were younger. And when things were simpler. So in a very real sense, we both found it therapeutic.

This was definitely a highlight of the week-end alone. We also did a shopping trip to the mall. Where I helped him pick out 4 dress shirts and two new ties. I actually got him to buy a pink dress shirt, with a tie that had some pink in it, with grey. We both unfortunately get a real thrill outta shopping. This could be dangerous, and has been on ocassion. But we both were feeling kinda beat up from the week, so this too was therapeutic. Due to the back injury, and a minor setback after said activity, sex has been OFF of the menu now for almost a month. (ya, I know, that explains the board game that hasn't been taken out of the box in YEARS.)

We have had to search for other ways to connect, until my back is back to normal. I think this has made us both a tad on edge. Me, more so than him. (in my opinion) Before we brought out the board game, we had a disaggreement going, on who missed it more. I won on a technicality. Beeing 41, biologically, I'm in my sexual prime. His had passed according to science a good 38 years ago. Although he did argue, that because the injury was mine, I was in no shape to be missing it anyway. And this is when we knew we needed to find somthing to play toegether, other then fighting over the non existent sex.

We did test out the waters last night, and with not too much pain, this morning. Although we do not intend to tempt fate too much, until after Friday's appt. In one way, this has been good for us. Well, maybe just me. I didn't realize just how much it means to me, until I was unable to. And on the week that we do not have the kids, well that is usually the unspoken date nights. And even putting aside the obvious, the natural pleasure of doing so. The connection that I feel with my husband, when we make is somthing that prior to him I never really knew. And now I know, I don't want to lose it! (New motivation for working hard in physical therapy)

The kids came back Sunday night. Which after usually a week without them, ends up being a little bit of culture shock. Probably for them, as much as us. So we're back into full swing of, "kids week." Starting with a hectic monday to say the least. My kids showed up Sunday night with Valentines cards and gifts for me. So I grinned and beared it; knowing that monday while they were in school, I was going to have to venture out, and reciprocate.

I had to do dreaded Valentines Day shopping, at the last minute, and against my will. This went against all of my personal beliefs. But the one thing that can do that, is kids. I could not disappoint them, and accept their gifts of love, and not give them "gifts of love." bleh

So monday night was a chaotic circus, of getting dinner on, and homework done, and V-day gift giving, and running to drop Tayler off at Girlscouts, after hunting down her Girl Scout Cookie sheet to turn in. By the way, anyone wanna buy some Girl Scout Cookies? (I hate this time of year, the list just goes on and on) I think little girls should not be out on the streets peddling cookies in this day and age. Because of this belief, I usually end up stuck with a good 20 boxes of those cookies, that I used to enjoy. I still have 4 or 5 in the pantry left over from last year. I couldn't give those damn things away! (which reminds me, clean out pantry, dump cookies, to make room for new cookies)

And when all was said and done, Riley lost his first molar. We made a big deal outta that, with the lets put the tooth in a cup of water on your nightstand for the toothfairy bit. She will bring you money!!! WEEEE! I have been known to forget the tooth on the nightstand, and then have to make up a phone call to the tooth fairy bitching her out, for not showing up and disappointing my child. But I was proud of myself, I remembered this time.

I very quietly took the cup with that digusting little tooth in it, and replaced it with a 5 dollar bill. (Hey, it was all I had. no singles...) I thought this would work well for waking him up in the morning. Riley would normally want to sleep in. So getting an angry child outta bed, to go to school (which he doesn't like) is not an easy task. And there has been many a war over it. But now I had the tooth fairy excitement to distract him with. So I did see a bonus in this whole process. (I'm always looking for the two birds to kill with one stone)

Waking him up the next morning, with kisses and excitedly saying "It looks like the tooth fairy showed up last night!" did not turn out exactly as planned. His smug little comment (which he obviusly had gotten up in the night and seen it) was, " What kind of a parent gives there kid a 5 dollar bill for a tooth! Military school is lookin' better and better. Try as I might, I will never understand this high maintenance child. I no longer get hurt by his snide comments, not do I let them slide. But since they happen with some regularity around here, I have become rather calloused to their affect on me. I am trying to be the patient mother...but I have to admit, there are times I lift up a prayer, thanking God for joint custody. And this was one of those times. Unfortunately due to the Holiday on Monday, I get my little bundle of joy and extra night and day. (Its my turn)

My daughter Tayler, is her brothers opposite. She truly is a joy for the most part. And does her homework without having to even ask her to. She will wander into the kitchen, and do the dishes. And she is always gracious, in her dealings with me and her step father. I don't think I would do the 72 hour countdown, if little Riley were more like her. I know Riley is responsible for at least half of the grey hair I have.

Tayler did announce that she has a Choir concert Wed. night, and I need to have her there by 4:50 PM. And by the way mom, do you know where my black pants are? Just reciting all this is making me tired, and looking at tomorrow's " to do" list. Family life, has so many blessings, I just wish I had more energy, to enjoy all these blessings.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

The Curse of February ( Part 2 )

It's been a week-end bascially filled with just me and the hubby hanging out together, TRYING to stay outta harms way, and have some quality time, as we count down to the end of this month.

Somehow, or some way, I have seemed to have lost my motivation to convince anyone who would listen, that yes, I AM cursed in this month. Unequiv0cally, without a doubt, CURSED. Do I still believe it with every fiber of my being? Yes. But the need to be heard, and validated on this point, just seems useless. It won't change "life" from happening to me, in the great abundance that it does, in this month for lovers. So I am getting cloudy as to why I feel the need to proclaim it from the mountain tops.

And that is not the only thing that is getting cloudy. My memories of incidences from each February, are getting cloudier, and cloudier. So as I was trying to piece together these memories, and drawing some blanks, it dawned on me this isn't such a bad thing. And that maybe, after this post, and logging the rest of whatever events that may happen this month, I should try and let go of the past.

We are not supposed to live in the past. And keeping a tally of all the perceived injustices that were thrust upon me, (or those whom I love) in this particular month, is really counterproductive, to contented living. And living contentedly, and thankfully is exactly what I should be doing. And manage to do, happily 11 months out of the year.

I have so much I should be thankful for, and am. But for some reason, all my logic, goes out the proverbial window, when I enter into the month of February. And honestly, this may never change. But I am going to try to do one thing, and that is to let go of the past. It's possible, if I am still here blogging one year from now, there will be more rants about the cursed month, but only in regards to February 2006. I don't have to relive, every February past, as I experience the current one. Which if truth be told, probably adds to the "bad karma", of the present February.

Maybe, if I wan't busy reliving all of the past Febs.; the circumstances of the present Feb. would be more manageable, both in actions, and emotions. So it's along this thread, that I will recount only those that I can remember, for the last time.

The Febs. that are left in my mind now, would be put in that list of things, that I call significant, life altering,ramdom accidents, and crisis. The chaotic Febs.? Well honestly, this is just life happening, but what seems like large doses of it, overwhelming me. And now, trying to look back on those with any real detail, I can't do it. and I'm sure that I am not supposed to.

During my marragie to hubby #2, there were a few Febs. that stand out. The year, that I think was our first V-day together, and he brought me home a plant. Looking at the facts, there is absolutely nothing wrong in this. Except when you add the history that goes with it. I had a hint, while we were dating, that this was a man who didn't have a clue about romance. We were dating, and I fell down a flight of stairs, with my baby in my arms. (I slipped, and I do that often) This landed me in the Emergency room, where I recieved a neck brace, pain pills, and instructions to rest for a few days. The baby was fine. I protected him all the way down the stairs. Which is why I wasn't able to balance myself on the way down. And my boyfriend (husband to be) brought me a plant, and a get well soon card. This was by the way his very first gift to me. It took me exactly 72 hours to kill that poor little innocent plant. A new record actually. So, it was somthing we "joked" about during the courting phase of our relationship.

After we were married, it took me a little over three weeks to realize I had in a very real sense, made a mistake. We did not connect as husband and wife. The joys I had hoped marraige would bring to my life, weren't there. I grew up with parents who worked and fought hard, to keep their relationship the number one priority in their lives. My parents were each others best friend. They "played" together. They genuinely found joy, and fun in each others company. And they ALWAYS put time aside, to get away, and revisit their romance. I assumed, MY marraige would have these same essential traits.

I knew when we were dating, that there was this big hole in our intimacy, that somthing was blatantly missing. But I had pushed aside my reservations, and had chalked it up to the fact, that we had not slept together. My husband to be, was 28 years old, and a virgin. He was very religous, and had been saving himself for marraige. This was very admirable, and I may have been tempted to lie, and say I was too, saving myself for marraige. Problem was, the baby on my hip, woulda been extremely hard to explain. He remained a virgin until our wedding night. (And he almost remained one then; a post for another time, titled The Wedding night from Hell)

It was not from lack of trying that he kept his precious virginity.(I know, this makes me evil, and if we didn't have a forgiving God, doomed to Hell) I tried every slut teasing trick to get that man in the sack. I talked him into showering with me, which he did, but only after I promised to keep my bright blue satiny panties on thru out. I broked that promise within 60 seconds. But he stayed strong. This mans first every blow-job, was when he was captive behind the wheel of his car, driving down a backroad headed towards the beach. (Dangerous I know. But when you're young and evil....) I talked dirty to him, put his hands in places that would have had all the men I dated prior to him, ready, willing and able. But his will was strong, even when I saw the desire written all over his face, and other places.

It is for this reason, I assumed, that once we were married, I would have those parts of a relationship, that were everything to me. While we were in Hawaii on our honeymoon, I decided on the excuse for this lack of any real initmacy was due to playing tourist. That when we got back to our own home, he would become this man I desparately needed. This soulmate, best friend, lover who delighted in spending time with me, laughing and growing closer. This never materialized. Thru counseling, and endless nights of trying to get him to communicate with me. Trying to get him to just love me in the way I needed. I never gave up, trying to get what I needed. (Another post for another time)

So on this first Valentines Day as man and wife, and he handed me another plant to kill, I couldn't help myself. I felt so empty, disappointed, and alone. This man would not have known romance if it jumped up and popped him hard on the nose. So I was as gracious as I could be, setting the plant on the mantle, and thanking him. This plant lived a whole month. I tried hard to keep it alive....plants just don't like me.

Valneintes Day #2 as man and wife, I was trying proactively to build intimacy in our marraige. I didn't want to give up. Rick was a wonderful father, who had just adopted my now 2 yr old son. He took his job as dad seriously. (I think far more seriously, then he ever managed to take our marraige) But here again, if truth be told, I married him with the thought of what a wonderful father he would make to my son, who needed a father. I got what I went after in this. Rick and my sons relationship was a good one. He had the father I had very much wanted for him.

So on V-day #2 I had been reading the book The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan. Think The Stepford Wives. This isn't a joke. That is what I now in retrospect think she was advocating. But I was willing to try anything. She talked about sex too, and what we should be doing for our man. How we should try and meet his every need, and not bore him with details of our tedious lives. He worked hard, we needed to cater to his whims. So on V-day, I devised a plot to win his heart completely. I went out, and rented a harem girl costume, made reservations at this really nice Mexican Resturaunt (where we had our 1st date, and was his favorite place) I bought him a new dress shirt and tie and wrapped them up meticously. And when he came home from work, I was in harem costume, ready to take him out to dinner, where I hand fed HIM his whole meal, and referred to him as master all evening. I managed to put smiles on his face (and he ate up the whole master thing) but I still came away feeling empty inside. I can't think of this now, without cringing.

I think it was around there, that I basically put aside all feelings and expectations, about V-day, and our marraige.

Quite a few years later, (and a few long term affairs on the side) I was working one V-day, swingshift. I usually volunteered this holiday. My husband also worked in the same pharmacy, and was working the day shift that day. So I told him to drive safe, as he left for the day. He was well aware by now, how depressing I found this holiday. So as he headed home, instead of turning right onto the freeway, he went straight, as he was going to get me a bouquet of flowers for V-day. Because of this, he was hit head on by a drunk driver. (Had he turned onto the freeway, instead of trying to buy flowers, this would not have happened.) So he ended up in the ER, with only minor injuries. But his car was totaled, and my shift was over. Said drunk driver, also had no insurance. It was all so very traumatic at the time.

Each Feb. had its own unique traumas, and crisis. A good deal of which I cannot remember today. I do know that my 2nd divorce, was also final in February. And that month was truamatic for my young children, which I had put into counseling, to help them deal with all the changes to their young little lives, between the divorce, and moving to AZ away from extended family. The next Feb. that held trauma that is still very fresh in my mind, was 2003. My 56 year old mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer in December of 2002. On February 14th, 2003 my mother went in for a double mastectomy, as well as having one of her lymphnodes removed. February 2002 she had been diagnosed with severe Osteoporosis (I spelled that wrong, sorry) but had been able to remain optimistic, about still living a full life. Feb 2003 also held the news that my cousin's wife, who is 45 this year, had her Uterine cancer come back, and had spread to a good deal of her organs. This was devestating to all family. She is one of the most sweetest, fun, optimistic women I have ever known. We had grown fairly close before I had moved to AZ. And part of me felt guilty for moving away, when the news came. She has clung to life, and lived life, in these last stages of cancer, with more grace and dignity, then I have ever heard of in a cancer patient.

She has truly lived, as the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dying spoke of. She bought a jet ski, she has used more then a few times, remained secretary of the Yacht Club, kept up with the group of women she did morning walks with. Kept her garden beautiful.And struggled hard to remain vital in her teens' lives. As of now, they will no longer administer the chemo they were giving her, strictly for maintenance purposes. And she goes in about every 5 weeks, to have the fluid drained off of both her lungs. And she has not allowed this to alter her life and routine. Well, not much anyway. I know the fatigue gets to her on ocassion, and she is now skin and bones. But this next Thursday, has her hopping a plane with her husband and children to go to Hawaii. She is at the point now, where I try to remember her in prayer regularly. I know she wants this vacation tremendously. And has set up, in Hawaii for treatment there, while they are on the island.

That February, 2003 especially sucked. Now I know that these things very well could have happned any month. But it wasn't any month, it was February. I think this was the year my father broked down, and agreed that yes, February is cursed.

Bascially for all the years that passed, I remember very little of the repercussions of the curse. And now I am going to put this all behind me. All but February 2005, and whatever it may hold for the next 14 days. Each day left, I am going to lift up a thankful prayer, naming a special blessing in my life, and thanking God for it. This may or may not heal me emotionally, or free me of the fear, but it definetely couldn't hurt.

So on this retail day of lovers, I wish you a blessing,and love (be it the love of a child, special pet,parents, close friend, or lover) that you are thankful for in your life.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Another Day, Another Mishap

I need a break from dwelling on the Curse of February's past. Just couldn't summon the brain power to complete it. And, I am pissed off! I really tried hard today, to set aside my hang-ups on February. And to get some things done.

The Ex asked me to take the kids tonight so he could go to some pharmacist convention dinner thing in Phoenix. And since I am hitting him up for a few dates to take the kids in March, I willingly agreed. (We each take the kids a week on, week off) So I thought I would make the evening special, and I baked a German Chocolate cake. It turned out beautifully if I do say so myself. It's hard not to slice off a HUGE peice and eat myself sick! The only thing stopping me, is it really does look all pretty, without a peice missing from it. So, I'll wait.

The kids love my meatloaf so I whipped up three of them. The hubby likes meatloaf sandwiches, so there will be plenty even after dinner. I went and got some major grocery shopping done today too. $200.00 later.....and I'm thinkin I need to RE think what it is we eat! That could have been a couple of new outfits (kidding, sort of)

Still trying to change my outlook.... Safeway had the most beautiful tulips out! I got a red group, pink, and kind of a bright pink and white mixed. And with it actually raining here in Mesa, I thought it would cheer up the house. I spent an hour putting together 3 vases of the tulips, mixing the colors. And I actually smiled at how they brightened both the diningroom and livingroom.

I was just finishing up cleaning the kitchen from the baking and cooking, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, when the damn faucet literally popped off! The solid stream shot right up into my face, splashing water everywhere and soaking the hell outta me! I called Kevin and told him what happened, and he, bless his heart is handling this one! In other words the plumber will either be out tonight or tomorrow. If I didn't know better, I would think I was having an affair with the plumber. As this will be his 3rd (count 'em) time out to our house in the last 6 days! We haven't seen him for almost a year, and now 3 times in one week. Did I mention that it's February?

First let me say, that the plumber, is kinda a jack of all trades. It doesn't matter what goes wrong, or needs fixing, we call him. His work is top notch, and he is far more affordable then most plumbing corps. So he was scheduled to come out to the house on Saturday. As the water softener attached to the water heater started leaking all over. Pissed off about that, I told him I just wanted the damn thing removed. It is just somthing else that needs maintenanced on a regular basis, and now is broken. I felt I would save hassle and money in the long run, just putting up with the desert hard water. At the same time, the dryer went haywire. The laundry room was filling up with heat, whenever it was on, and the dryer was getting WAY too hot. So I had my ducks in a row, calling him out to fix TWO things. Friday night though, the washer broke mid cycle, and water was leaking all over from under it.(By the way, all said appliances are exactly 2 yrs old, this shouldn't be happening!) So another phone call in to Colson, so he would be prepared, because his list of things to fix, was now up to 3. Colson spent most of Saturday here with me the kids and Kevin. On the upside, all three only cost $190.oo to fix! (I'm trying to find the silver lining here)

We bid Colson farewell around 5:00 PM. By 6:00 PM the toilet in the master bedroom started leaking all over. The tank just kept filling up, and wouldn't stop. I played with it, Keving played with just wouldn't cooperate. So we called Colson again! He was back out around 11:00 AM on SUNDAY. Yes, I said SUNDAY! Everybody knows, you do your best to NOT call a plumber out on Sunday. Even Colson, is going to charge more on a Sunday! He was with us for a few hours on Sunday, as the insides of the toilet were shot and needed to be rebuilt. (or whatever it is plumbers do to it.) All I know is he had some kinda caulking glue gun, and had all the peices spread out all over the floor. And that bill, $120.00 I guess since it was Sunday it could have cost more then what he charged us. So now the tally of things breaking down is up to 4.

This evenings mishap, I have no idea, what thats gonna cost. I do know it brings the tally of broken items to 5. And it looks like we are making Colson's car payement this month.

I can handle having to deal with repairs of odds and ends, on ocassion. But give me an fucking break! This is just off the wall! That 5 things would go on the fritz in 1 weeks time???

Well Kevin just called. Colson is on his way over. So, I will have him working on the sink, with my meatloafs sitting out, and a cake. Gee, I wonder if I should invite him to dinner. He's here as much as any other family member. And within 45 minutes the kids should be barreling thru the front door too. With the Ex in tow. Did I mention that this is PMS week? I think women during PMS week, should not have to deal with anything out of the ordinary, during their special time.

Unfortunately the February curse is ruthless. It takes no prisoners. And the only goal, to drive me to the brink of insanity. Either with catastrophe's regarding myself, or those I love. Or just by chipping away at me, with minor mishaps, coming in torrents. Unrelentless mishaps, one right after another. I think, and actually I would rather, February come with the minor mishaps. And usually after one really bad catastrophe, the following year will be more mionor mishaps. 2004 was the family crisis, and actually two of them, almost simultaneously. So I am due for just constant chaos this year. And to date, that is what has been happening.

But I am going to put that aside, or try to. I would like to spend a quiet evening with my children and my husband. Without anything else going wrong. Just a calm, uneventful, boring evening at home with the family. That's all I want. Really. And I promise to feel blessed. Well, for the evening anyway.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


OK, it seems that I didn't communicate that well about February being cursed. Which is why I really didn't want to break it into two parts. But my penchant for tedious detail is just far too strong, to make it one post. I have received a few e-mails hinting at "maybe I am being just too darn shallow about Valentines day." This is about February being cursed. Not just that intrepid Holiday.

Unfortunately my attention to detail does not succeed, where the memory has slipped. In other words, I cannot remember ALL of the little nasty details of February, from days gone past. Not that I am excusing this sorry excuse for a "Holiday." It sucks, plain and simple. This is a day that takes a magnifying glass to people's loneliness, and makes them painfully aware of their status as single. Alone. For a full 24 excruciating hours.(And yes, I am aware not everyone feels this way, who is single. This is my personal opinion, not just based on my personal experience by the way. But by those of some of my single friends as well.) The air reeks on this oh so special day, of an attitude of "WHO loves you?" And where is the monetary proof of it? And we, who are married, a lot of times perpetuate this, by flashing "the goods" in our officemates, friends, and loved ones faces. Those who's desks lay bare of flowers, candy boxes, etc.

As I have aged, this in some ways has become less prevalent. And singles are more pro active then in the decades of past. The womens movement, shows like "Sex and the City", even dating sites online, all celebrate singledom. And I'm all for it! I just don't see why we need to take a day, and demand our spouses, boyfriends, significant others and partners run out and spend money to up the sales of flower shops, candy shops, and card companys. It is rediculous. And I have for many years now, put a moratorium on any such behavior on this day. Much to both of my last two husbands delight. The pressure is off. They don't have to find that perfect somthing or other to make me feel special and loved. I make me feel special. And they did/tried as well 364 other days a year.

So I ask, as I write here in my personal blog, to please hold the judgements, about my total shallow attitude as I write about childhood, teenage and early adult attitudes toward Valentines days gone past. I don't apologize for them either. They helped shape who I am today, and I like who that is. Wrong, right, deep or shallow.

And, on a lighter note, I received this e-mail from my adorable husband, whom yes, I have convinced as well, that February is cursed. (And done so not by my attitudes, but by the sheer number of mishaps that happen horribly, in this month) One other side note, I have g/f's who are born in Feb. whom I celebrate their special day with. February is only cursed for me. Some friends have even named other months, where they say, they hit the wall due to circumstances that pile up during their "cursed month".

OK, let me first explain, that my adorable husband, is a top executive, at a big company. He dresses impeccably. (I have the dry cleaning bill to prove it) Once actually in January he came home from a long day at the office, and unloaded the normal stuff of his day. We were chatting amicably, when I looked down at his feet, and saw he was wearing two black dress shoes, NOT the same style. He had gone completely thru his day unaware he was wearing different shoes. I can't even imagine the snickers that may have played out, as underlings noticed their boss, wearing two different shoes. I know personally I would have had a hey day with it!!!

So here is this mornings e-mail from my Knight in Shining Armour:

Subject :
February curse

February struck again today.
I left the house, got your smokes, then head for work at 6:10. I get to the
garage after a fairly easy drive at 6:30. I get out, glance down at my
feet--and see I wore a black shoe and a brown shoe.
For a second I contemplated trying to make it through the day that way, but
fortunately, I could hear you in my mind saying, Are Your CRAZY??
So I went back home, got the right shoes, and spent in all another hour and
15 minutes on the road.
I love you babe.
I need a hug.
Your hug.

I realize, that to some, this would seem like a small thing, really. And it is. What you will see in part two, is that it is a consistent string of "small things" that adds up to a straight jacket and padded cell.

I guess what I am doing here, is purging myself of somthing that in years past, I have been completely neurotic about. That I allowed these things to steal my humor and my joy out of 28 days. I would sink into depression and fear, literally allowiing "the curse" to control me completely. My mother would often console me, with the only thing she could think to say, when faced with the myriad of mishaps; she would say, "Cheer up Tamber, at least February IS the shortest month of the year."And I applaud her for trying....

The Curse of February ( Part 1 )

In retrospect, I believe the curse started oozing its way into my life, all the way back in kindergarten. It was the first sign (albeit small and subtle) that the month of February was not my friend. In fact, it was an enemy, established to drive me to the brink of insanity. And there have been several February's over the years, that nearly succeeded in doing it.

That February in 1968 (kindergarten year), I remember working so hard to complete each and every little Valentine day card for my classmates. And, as anyone with kids can attest to, it can take a good while for a 5 yr old to write out their name on each little Valentine card. But, as my obsessive/compulsive traits were well on their way to being firmly ingrained, along with my perfectionistic view on things, I was going to go one better. So I set about to the task of putting each calssmates name on the envelope. This took me hours!! the night before the party. I painstakingly worked to be as neat as possible. I was exausted by the time my head hit the pillow. But ready for my very first Valentine Day party!

The problem is, that finding each classmates gigantic heart shaped scribbled on envelope, with their names messily put somewhere on it, took time. In fact it took the whole damn party for me to make my way thru half of my cards. Treats sat uneaten on my desk, classmates chatted, laughed and had fun, while I toiled away at getting them their frickin' cards!!! Party ended, and I was sent home, only half way thru my task. Mrs. F had me just put the remainder on my desk, to "give the kids the following monday." I cried the whole 3 blocks home, and then again, when mom asked me what was wrong. The following monday of course, had me hunting high and low for the remainder of cards, that I learned years later, the janitor had tossed in the garbage when he cleaned up our classroom. Yes, this was my first taste of depression associated with February, AND Valenintes Day.

And it was by no means my last. Although my memories of early Feb's have dimmed with the years, the tone was usually the same. My beautiful, blonde bubbly cheerleader sister, was overwhelmed in H.S. with various Valentines, usually coming from various boys. ( We were only a year and a half apart in age, so the sibling rivalry thing was always a part of day to day life.) In this area Trina always won hands down. I would usually do my best to stay away from her, during this excruciating time of year. It always seemed, I was not dating anyone during V day. Not that that ever affected Trina's ability to rack in the loot. She was bubbly and outgoing. I was more quiet, and reserved. (at school only) She was a cute little 5'4" I was a looming 5'10" She had blonde bouncy hair, I was brunette. (my penchant for blonde jokes were often fueled by my adorable little sister) I know it had little to do with looks, because my sister had overheard the neighbor ladies discussing the two of us with mom, and the consensus was that Tamber had got the beauty. So that brings us to what? shitty personality? too damn tall? too shy? Whatever it was, I spent far too much time analyzing why the opposite sex had failed to live up to any expectations I may have wanted, regarding Valentines Day.

So this brings me in to "the adult years." Where lets just say, I learned how to be much more outgoing, and flirtatious. And had been taught (with the aid of an uncooked hot dog) by one of my sluttier girlfriends, how to give a blow job. Like any task I set out to learn, I wanted to be the best. This she said, would enable me to keep the boyfriend, without giving away my virginity. I was soon dating from H.S. the very popular and rich (if daddy's money counts!) Brett. He drove a MG convertible, which to an 18 yr old girl was impressive. (Not condusive with necking in though. or other more intimate activities) We quit seeing each other in the middle of January. ( The cheap prick!) Which gave me two things to mourn in Feb. Breaking up, and no valentines, yet again. So much for the lessons.

The following Feb. found me with hubby #1. Who had assured me after my tales of woe reagrding this gloomy "holiday" that he was going to make it my best! And he did. I received every form of Valentine you could think of. Candy, flowers, cards, a gold necklace, and 4 foot tall heart, he covered in tin foil and wrote a love letter on. (Corny, but I finally had realized my dreams of a romantic V-day.) The problem? I also received what was the first of many beatings. I am not going to go into the gory details, other then to say, that on Feb. 15th I had 2 black eyes, and various bruises all over my face, neck and arms. This pretty much made the rest of Feb. a hazy depression, that had me walking around like a zombie in The Dawn of the Dead.

The following February found me signing the divorce papers. Which I guess at this point didn't really matter. The depression of divorce tinged many months that year. Although I have the clear memory of the divorce being final that month.

My memories of the years to come are much more clear. And vivid in their detail. And did end up making each member of my family a believer (although they deny it once Feb is over) in the month that was/is cursed. As well as any close friends that were the audience for my misery.

But as I headed thru the end of 1984, I had discovered the "I don't need a boyfriend/husband thing to make me happy. So I was already steeling myself for the coming 1985 Feb. Working hard to brainwash myself into making Feb, just another month.....

Monday, February 07, 2005

Some New Blogs! & Unedited Ramblings

I have found a few more blogs that I am very excited about! So, as mentioned in previous posts, and whining, since I have yet to figure out how to add them on the side of my posts, Im going to tell about them here.

First is I am very excited about finding Sis! She is a 30 somthing married housewife, with 4 kids, and 4 cats! A cat lover who is married, with children! I am already enjoying e-mails to and from her. I find a kinship in the similarities of our lives, and her down to earth, warm writing. I am very much looking forward to "getting to know her" better, and read about her day to day interests and activities. And being able to relate with her on life as mom. And sis, even your instructions on adding to the template had my mind bloggled....but I am going to keep reading yours and what blogger says until it sinks in!

Next, another one I was extremly happy to run across was She is an absolutely wonderful writer! And I love her web site design. Her posts kept me reading until I was thru a good deal of them. I gather that she is single,(I think. I better go back and re-read some stuff.) and she has a brother whose quotes are funny and a lot of fun to read in the comment section as well!

Both gals would/will be on my favorites list as soon as I can figure out HOW to put one on. (I know I'm sounding like a broken record. I'm slow at this computer stuff, but eventually I will get it!) Go and check them out!

Actually, these blogs were what I most wanted to post today, and I've done it. Any minute now, my calm quiet day will end, and my kids will be coming thru the door, demanding snacks! (They are with their father this week, but I like Robby (20 yr old son) to bring the kids over on his way to dropping Tayler off at Girl Scouts. I also have a huge bag of oranges from one of our orange trees for the GS leaders family I wanted him to pick up.

Followed my my adorable husband who should be coming in from work anytime. I try not to blog when he is home in evenings, because we get so little time together on work nights. I'll miss football season for one reason. It gave me time to read blogs, and post while he watched the games. There will be a little adjustment not having part of Sunday to myself for blogging. Although I love when we get time uninterrupted!

Today's P - T - Q

Prayer: Lord, help us to believe in ourselves, so that we can move forward with a postive attitude. And thank you for blessing us with strength, hope and courage.

Thought: Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study. Be a student so long as you still have somthing to learn, and this will mean all your life. - Henry Doherty, American businessman and utlilities expert (1870-1939)

Quip: Marriages may be made in heaven, but the only repair shops are on Earth.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Are they making Dr.'s younger or am I getting? nevermind.

I had my first epidural cortisone injection on Friday morning. They said it would take approximately 24 hours for me to notice a difference. And I DID notice a difference. After the continous pain of the last 3 weeks or so (the days kinda ran together) I was euphoric! The level of pain has dropped dramatically! I was astounded! Excited! Happy! Cautious. I don't want to ever be in that much pain again! Next shot is scheduled in two weeks. And I should start physical therapy sometime after that.

I want to thank my homegirls Jackie and Jenny, for coming to visit me when I got back on friday. It was wonderful to just hang out and chat for a while. The roses too were gorgeous! I do thank God for having such a wonderful, supportive group of friends. You girls are abso-f_cking-lutely the BEST!

I have to admit though, when I went to get that procedure done I was down right child-like afraid! It was scary, laying on my stomache, awake, in a surgery room, with oxygen shoved in my nose, and an IV out one arm, and some weird thinga-majiggy stuck to my finger (what I assume was reading my pulse?) And knowing they were coming at me, with needles to stick into my neck and back area. I have to admit to some petrified praying!

Prior to entering the intimidating surgical room, I was in the recovery/prep room, waiting to see my Knight in Shining Armour (aka; pain specialist, doctor extrordinaire) OK, actually my husband is my knght in shining armour, but this man was going to get me outta pain!! That rates pretty f-ing high! And I find this uncomfortable to admit, but he looks so YOUNG! Not necessarily Doogie Howser young. But geeze! It's hell when we start getting older, and these prefessionals who service our lives in one form or another look so damn young!

What was worse, is he was devastatingly handsome to boot! Here I am, feeling at my absolute worst, (and looking pretty much the same as that) and in walks tall dark and handsome. "Goodmorning Tamber, how are we feeling today?" Me: uhhhhhh, I've been a lot better......This "doctor" has the looks of a model! I am not exaggerating! (On ocassion, I can be prone to one from time to time) But this was not one of them. He was tan, with dark hair, deep set eyes, chiseled features, tall. And very warm eyes, that made me very warm. (I'm married, not dead!)

This was my second meeting with Dr. tall, dark and handsome, and I very MUCH wanted to put on the full set of make-up. But feeling like shit......well, and the fact that my husband scowled when I said maybe I ought to put some make-up on....he isn't blind either....and knew exactly what might motivate me to feel the need to look my best. I sighed and skipped it. But I made sure to put on that special outfit. (we all have one) You know the one that says comfortable casual, (and loose fitting, due to unfortunate procedure instructions) but soft, feminine, and EXPENSIVE. I don't own a lot of said outfits, cashmere sweaters don't really fit in to my lifestyle, and budget, but cha gotta have one! And I do, and I did.

Now this has nothing to do with wanting Dr. Gorgeous, and even thinking I could possibly turn his head. And I don't even want to. I have Mr. Perfect already, I married him. And I also find Mr. Perfect extremely handsome, sexy, magnetic, etc...What this has to do with, is, when one is confronted with such dynamic, intimidating, good looks, and one has to actually converse with said male specimen, one wants to possess every bit of confidence that one can muster up. And with women, we bring in the big guns! That special outfit, that maticulously applied make-up application, that says we know who we are, and we can be at ease with anyone anywhere. (yes, I realize that isn't true in every situation, but this is our self image on the line here) Or mine anyway. And it's bad enough I am in pain, and looking like death warmed over. In my case, all I could bring in was "the outfit" and I did. I am getting "older", and I am married, but I am far from dead, and I wanted that much to show. Dr. Gorgeous took me outta some pain, and is going to finish the job. At least I can be respectably, aesthetically pleasing. And I think I minimally pulled it off, minus the make-up. But, I do have another appt. in two weeks.....;-)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Random Thinking

Today I have been all over, blog reading. There are so many different types of blogs, and so many blogs, it's mind boggling. And just the small number of blogs I have read to date, vary from specialized topics, to story telling, to "on the job insights" to day to day life. And more still on just the random inner thoughts of people. To almost a confessional, somewhere that different bloggers are dumping their "dirty laundry". Blogs on the lives or prostitutes/call girls, addicts, recovering addicts, sex blogs, religous blogs, mommy blogs, political blogs, psychological blogs, students of philosophy, you get the picture. And I am sure most are already aware of it. My question/thought is, did most who started a blog, did they have a plan for it? Do they know what they wanted to put into writing? Was there a game plan? Did it just evolve, when they sat down at the computer? Is each post plotted out, technically put together?

A small part of why I was wondering these things, came when a very popular blogger (whom I have voted for on a bloggers award thingy by the way, she is really that GREAT!) left a note in another blog, that I read daily (whom I always enjoy reading as well) about the # of times she posts now, and used to; and why she wrote. Or more to the point WHO she wrote for. Herself, or her wide array of readers. I guess that would be part of my question as well. She answered these questions for herself, and has acted on it accordingly.

WHY, am I here? Am I doing it to gain readers? Am I doing it for myself? And what was so fascinating about this whole blogging experience? And it is fascinating to me. Not just writing one of my own, but reading others. And if truth be told, I spend much more time reading others, then I spending writing this one. ( LOL. I know, it probably shows too)

Admittedly, I have spent much more time then I normally would, or probably will in the future. I fell into this, approximately around the same time I started dealing with back problems that pretty much had me housebound. So my normal schedule was put on hold ( the slack being picked up by both my present husband, and my Ex-husband) The Ex taking over with all the kid errands and chauffeuring, and my husband taking over inside the house, cooking,laundry, etc. This left me time to just try and heal at home...and explore this whole blogging phenomena.(Which means I am probably over thinking this whole thing)

But since I have started one, and I still don't know what I want to do with it......I haven't filled out the part of the first page that most put a small paragraph giving a brief description of what it is, and where it's going....I haven't filled it out, because I didn't know. And I still don't think my ramdom thoughts are going to come to some conclusion now. I have put probably way more thought into it then I should. (But I have definitely had the time)

I have thought, well a journal is good, like a diary. Somewhere to just organize my life in words, and I guess go over it. Or do I want to try and write entertaining stories based on my experiences. (this would be a real stretch for me) How about a dumping ground from my speckled past? And do I really want to put it in words, that it could possibly even remotely come back to haunt me. (I do have 3 kids ranging in age from 9 to 20. And parents, whom I defintely would not want to know the gory details of the past) The only thing I DID know, was that I didn't want it to be a mommy blog. I love my children, and the biggest part of my life, is that of mommy. The way I saw it, it wouldn't be for me anymore then. (Not that I have anything against mommy blogs, I have two such blogs I read daily and enjoy)

So that is the dilemma, I am wrestling with, and why I haven't come to fill in a description. I don't have one yet. I thought it would just evolve naturally, and maybe it is, and I'm not seeing it. But I don't think so. My posts kinda bounce around. From stories, to quotes, to like here, thoughts. I did think, or maybe tried to justify the amount of time I have spent here, that it could improve my writing skills, I could learn more about how to navigate around on this computer, and the technical side of weblogs. Pasting different things in. I did order and get the CD-ROM learning blogger (with Molly E. Holzschlag, her website, ) which I plan on spending time looking at and learning this week-end with the guidance of my husband. So I had this whole positive practical side to the reasoning of why I should blog.

But if truth be told, that isn't the motivator, for why I click on to my favortie blog sites, and continually explore more. I don't know if you would call it voyeurism in the sense of looking in to so many different people's lives. A desire for some sense of deeper connections? (Then the everyday small talk we make in our lives) Or is it just as simple as I enjoy reading. Which I do.....
You end up getting to know these people you have never met, and who don't know you exist. Oh well, eventually I'll figure out my motivation....

So now, what I would like, is those few who did read my site, if you could comment on some of my questions. (ie; did you have a plan when you started your site? Did it just evolve? WHY did you start blogging?)

And for my homegirls Shelly, Lori, Jenny, Vickie, and Jackie.....what way would you explain my type of posts? And which way do you think I should take the site? Just curious....and confused (as usual, lol)

I would also take this opportunity to thank Jenny and Jackie for your get well mails, and your prayers, and just your support when I was really down this last week. I love you both!And Lori and Shelly, I would love to hear from you (catch me up on the latest; gossip and what you're up to) This housebound crap is gettin' old! Lunch next week??? Send me a mail, if you don't want to comment "online" ;-)

Today's P - T - Q from

Prayer : Lord help us keep our thoughts and actions focused on You for guidance to do what needs to be done. Amen

Thought : Mediocrity can talk, but it is for genius to observe. Benjamin Disraeli (British Prime Minister 1804-1881)

Quip : Some folks get a kick out of life, and others only do the kicking.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Anniversaries & Dime Store Self Help Psycho Babble Books

I received a phone call from my mother a few weeks back. She had important news. You see, it was my husband's and my 2nd Anniversary, (on Jan 3rd) and she wanted me to be on the lookout for our Anniversary gift, which would be coming in the mail, via QVC. In my family, as long as a gift was received approximately 60 days from any special ocassion, it's on time.

This dates back to my childhood, where all Birthdays were always celebrated on the week-end, no matter if your special date fell mid week or on a Thursday or even a Friday. It would be celebrated one of two days, Saturday or Sunday. Whatever was more convenient for her schedule. And that could mean absolutely anything. As she told it though, it mean't YOU got to bask in all the glory of ALL the attention for an entire day! Not just a measley evening. And as a kid (one of three) this sounded perfect to us! That tradition long stood, even as we all moved out going our own ways, and even when we started having our own kids. They too, were raised to believe their Birthday would always fall on a Saturday or Sunday.

And as we started moving further and further away from each other, and packages needed to be shipped, and our lives all became busier and busier, this rule became even more defined, although it was unspoken. If you received "said gift" in the same year as the ocassion, it was the same as receiving it on the day! The only exclusion to this would be Christmas, in which case it depended upon WHEN any particular family was going to celebrate Christmas. Because Christmas, once we all had families of our own, which would now include "in-laws" and having to celebrate with all or our own new families as well; made it much more complicated, and let's face it, stress-ful. Being the creative woman my dear mother is, she felt it best that we arrange"Christmas day, a whole different day" so that she and my father had all of their children and grandchildren for a whole day! And this tradition became yet even more complicated by the fact that she, and husband #2 (of mine) and myself worked in hospitals. Hospital workers often end up working on Christmas day. My brother a state trooper for WA also ended up out on the job on Christmas every other year or so. So Christmas pretty much always ended up, the week-end prior to Christmas, and on ocassion on New Years day. In which case, for me, (living in AZ since 2001) I must send packages with the new Christmas date in mind.

And all traditions have stood no matter what. As we each had more and more kids, still gifts were sent for every menber of the family, including in-laws. This mean't shipping packages almost every month of the year. Why we just didn't put this tradition to rest years ago, is beyond me. But I wasn't going to "risk the wrath of Dina" by expressing this. And from the looks of things, no one else was going to either. Nevermind the expense, the time that has gone into this, gave everyone head-aches. Except of course for mom. Who never forgot anyone. Including now all three Anniversaries.

Now at first glance, she seems like one of the most giving thoughful women you would ever meet. And lets face it, thats what it came down to. But this has also played into not one, but two of my mother's OTHER quirks in life. That being her penchant for dime store self help psycho babble books, and her addiction to shopping. Along with whatever dime store self help psycho babble book you might receive, came the hidden message. That being whatever quirk, bad habit, lack of character that she may find in you, that she felt it was necessary for you to address and deal with. On her time, with her thumb print all over whatever success you may have. And failures attributed to your own lack of character or flaws. And being the official black sheep of the family, who was always stumbling thru life, I was the recipient of the most dime store self help psycho babble books of all her kids and their spouses. Any lack in your children, also made you the recipient, not said grandchild. You were the mom, you were the one who needed to instill the good things in her grandchildren. Also noting that her two sons' in laws and daughter in law, were not exempt. My new husband thus far being the recipient of two of these DSSHPBB's to date. Although since her new son-in-law was only one year younger then her, and a very dominant self posessed man, she is very careful with whatever oral bits of wisdom she may throw his way. Not sure yet, just how far, he would allow her to push things. (Oh, how I love that about him!) And yes to date, I have already hidden behind him several times, in order to live my life as I see fit. Yes, I'm a coward, and not afraid to admit it. I have a "sense of self" after all.

Now her shopping addiction, that is a whole other ball park. And one no one comes right out and talks about it. Here again fearing the wrath of Dina. That is except for my father, who doesn't mind joking about it. Well when mother is far away at work, where he cannot be overheard. I probably inherited my coward gene from him.

My mother's addiction to shopping has one special characteristic. And that is QVC. All gifts are usually sent in QVC boxes in all shapes and sizes. They know the sound of my mothers voice at QVC. And had I known just how far she would go with QVC, I would have bought stock YEARS ago in this company.

My mother has worked the grave yard shift at the hospital well over a decade now. And has the problem all night workers struggle with. That is getting sufficient sleep during the daylight hours in between shifts. In order for her to sleep during the day, she needs her 20-somthing inch bedroom TV going the whole time. She usually gets a good hour of QVC watching in prior to going to sleep, and a good hour watching after the fact before getting up. You can do a lot of damage with a QVC card in a couple of hours a day, and much more on days off. I cannot even comprehend the number of gifts she has stocked up on for each member of our 16 member family. (That includes Ex husband number two, whom she says is the father of HER grandchildren, whom she has every intention of continuing to honor on special days) Which honestly, I don't have a problem with. Other then she continues to send said gifts to mine and my new husbands house, for us to deliver to him. I did stand up to her recently on this, but that is a subject for another post. (I'm longwinded enough as it is!)

My father's joke about this whole QVC thing (except it really isn't a joke, it's the truth) is that he is definitely on a first name basis with their UPS deliverer. He knows the UPS guys wife and children's names as the UPS guy knows ours. He is delivering to their house, (I swear on this!) at least every other day, on a slow week or month, maybe once a week. My dad and the UPS guy's relationship is familier enough, that when the UPS driver was having a bad day, he told my father to put a sledge hammer thru their TV, to keep his wife off of QVC! (My father would never risk the wrath of Dina by doing this!)

So here we are, in the general vicinity of our 2nd Wedding Anniversary, on the look-out for the QVC gift. I admit, this time the DSSHPBB was not expected. Not for this ocassion. Usually it is somthing for the household. Some quirky gadget, that I have never heard of. Gadget's being another one of her quirks, I'll save for another date. But I was wrong. I knew the advice on our lives had been coming quite a bit of late....."we really need a lot of work to survive this life." I just didn't expect it to bleed over into our anniversary. But it did, and it came. Mind you, mom is not cheap, she takes these books very seriously, and doesn't mind spending a small fortune to aquire them. And she did. This dime store self help psycho babble book (in hard back) came with a set of CD's as well. And this Live Lecture 6-CD set and hardback book, which advertises "AS seen on Public TV" was expensive! And should render forth heartfelt "Thank you's!" and "I am learning so much!" announcements. And I wanted to! really I did. But they came 1. during PMS week 2. with the onset of one of my back discs bulging putting pressure on nerve endings, that has sent me into spasms on too many ocassions to even count at this point! 3. I was feeling particularly inept and vulnerable (brought on by satan's spawn's (Riley) antics in the classroom+ Parent/Teacher conferences comfiming his behavior) So this was the set up for opening her thoughtful Anniversary gifts.

And I came unglued, and ranted and raved, and thru said gift across the room. (I know, childish....and probably the topic for a whole new dime store self help psycho babble book) So I did not thank her for the gift, until recently, when I was on some hardcore mind numbing painkillers. And I know it came out insincere, and weak. Oh well, maybe next year, she'll do us the honor of not recognizing this occasion at all.

So if anyone is interested in aquiring this lovely set, I am sure you can find it on the official website. Which I have not bothered to look up as of yet. I have not bothered to even open the the lovely hardback book, and the Live Lecture 6-CD Set, still in the plastic wrapper.(I did enjoy popping all the little bubbles on the bubble wrap sheet though) So I cannot even tell you, if they are any good. I just got thru her damn DVD set of Women of Faith, presents Irrepressible Hope conference 2004 Which by the way, she attended! (Their website is )

So here it is, the official website of the hardback book "The Power of Intention, Learning to Co-create Your world, Your way."(As long as your way agrees with Dina's way) And I am sure it covers the Live Lecture 6-CD Set called, "The SECRETS of the Power of Intention" all by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer website address

Deep down, I realize, the only dime store self help psycho babble book I need, deals with cutting the psychological apron strings of Dina. Without fearing her wrath and repercussions. That is one DSSHPBB that I am sure to never see coming thru the mail from my mother. (Bless her heart!)

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