Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Sunday, February 13, 2005

The Curse of February ( Part 2 )

It's been a week-end bascially filled with just me and the hubby hanging out together, TRYING to stay outta harms way, and have some quality time, as we count down to the end of this month.

Somehow, or some way, I have seemed to have lost my motivation to convince anyone who would listen, that yes, I AM cursed in this month. Unequiv0cally, without a doubt, CURSED. Do I still believe it with every fiber of my being? Yes. But the need to be heard, and validated on this point, just seems useless. It won't change "life" from happening to me, in the great abundance that it does, in this month for lovers. So I am getting cloudy as to why I feel the need to proclaim it from the mountain tops.

And that is not the only thing that is getting cloudy. My memories of incidences from each February, are getting cloudier, and cloudier. So as I was trying to piece together these memories, and drawing some blanks, it dawned on me this isn't such a bad thing. And that maybe, after this post, and logging the rest of whatever events that may happen this month, I should try and let go of the past.

We are not supposed to live in the past. And keeping a tally of all the perceived injustices that were thrust upon me, (or those whom I love) in this particular month, is really counterproductive, to contented living. And living contentedly, and thankfully is exactly what I should be doing. And manage to do, happily 11 months out of the year.

I have so much I should be thankful for, and am. But for some reason, all my logic, goes out the proverbial window, when I enter into the month of February. And honestly, this may never change. But I am going to try to do one thing, and that is to let go of the past. It's possible, if I am still here blogging one year from now, there will be more rants about the cursed month, but only in regards to February 2006. I don't have to relive, every February past, as I experience the current one. Which if truth be told, probably adds to the "bad karma", of the present February.

Maybe, if I wan't busy reliving all of the past Febs.; the circumstances of the present Feb. would be more manageable, both in actions, and emotions. So it's along this thread, that I will recount only those that I can remember, for the last time.

The Febs. that are left in my mind now, would be put in that list of things, that I call significant, life altering,ramdom accidents, and crisis. The chaotic Febs.? Well honestly, this is just life happening, but what seems like large doses of it, overwhelming me. And now, trying to look back on those with any real detail, I can't do it. and I'm sure that I am not supposed to.

During my marragie to hubby #2, there were a few Febs. that stand out. The year, that I think was our first V-day together, and he brought me home a plant. Looking at the facts, there is absolutely nothing wrong in this. Except when you add the history that goes with it. I had a hint, while we were dating, that this was a man who didn't have a clue about romance. We were dating, and I fell down a flight of stairs, with my baby in my arms. (I slipped, and I do that often) This landed me in the Emergency room, where I recieved a neck brace, pain pills, and instructions to rest for a few days. The baby was fine. I protected him all the way down the stairs. Which is why I wasn't able to balance myself on the way down. And my boyfriend (husband to be) brought me a plant, and a get well soon card. This was by the way his very first gift to me. It took me exactly 72 hours to kill that poor little innocent plant. A new record actually. So, it was somthing we "joked" about during the courting phase of our relationship.

After we were married, it took me a little over three weeks to realize I had in a very real sense, made a mistake. We did not connect as husband and wife. The joys I had hoped marraige would bring to my life, weren't there. I grew up with parents who worked and fought hard, to keep their relationship the number one priority in their lives. My parents were each others best friend. They "played" together. They genuinely found joy, and fun in each others company. And they ALWAYS put time aside, to get away, and revisit their romance. I assumed, MY marraige would have these same essential traits.

I knew when we were dating, that there was this big hole in our intimacy, that somthing was blatantly missing. But I had pushed aside my reservations, and had chalked it up to the fact, that we had not slept together. My husband to be, was 28 years old, and a virgin. He was very religous, and had been saving himself for marraige. This was very admirable, and I may have been tempted to lie, and say I was too, saving myself for marraige. Problem was, the baby on my hip, woulda been extremely hard to explain. He remained a virgin until our wedding night. (And he almost remained one then; a post for another time, titled The Wedding night from Hell)

It was not from lack of trying that he kept his precious virginity.(I know, this makes me evil, and if we didn't have a forgiving God, doomed to Hell) I tried every slut teasing trick to get that man in the sack. I talked him into showering with me, which he did, but only after I promised to keep my bright blue satiny panties on thru out. I broked that promise within 60 seconds. But he stayed strong. This mans first every blow-job, was when he was captive behind the wheel of his car, driving down a backroad headed towards the beach. (Dangerous I know. But when you're young and evil....) I talked dirty to him, put his hands in places that would have had all the men I dated prior to him, ready, willing and able. But his will was strong, even when I saw the desire written all over his face, and other places.

It is for this reason, I assumed, that once we were married, I would have those parts of a relationship, that were everything to me. While we were in Hawaii on our honeymoon, I decided on the excuse for this lack of any real initmacy was due to playing tourist. That when we got back to our own home, he would become this man I desparately needed. This soulmate, best friend, lover who delighted in spending time with me, laughing and growing closer. This never materialized. Thru counseling, and endless nights of trying to get him to communicate with me. Trying to get him to just love me in the way I needed. I never gave up, trying to get what I needed. (Another post for another time)

So on this first Valentines Day as man and wife, and he handed me another plant to kill, I couldn't help myself. I felt so empty, disappointed, and alone. This man would not have known romance if it jumped up and popped him hard on the nose. So I was as gracious as I could be, setting the plant on the mantle, and thanking him. This plant lived a whole month. I tried hard to keep it alive....plants just don't like me.

Valneintes Day #2 as man and wife, I was trying proactively to build intimacy in our marraige. I didn't want to give up. Rick was a wonderful father, who had just adopted my now 2 yr old son. He took his job as dad seriously. (I think far more seriously, then he ever managed to take our marraige) But here again, if truth be told, I married him with the thought of what a wonderful father he would make to my son, who needed a father. I got what I went after in this. Rick and my sons relationship was a good one. He had the father I had very much wanted for him.

So on V-day #2 I had been reading the book The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan. Think The Stepford Wives. This isn't a joke. That is what I now in retrospect think she was advocating. But I was willing to try anything. She talked about sex too, and what we should be doing for our man. How we should try and meet his every need, and not bore him with details of our tedious lives. He worked hard, we needed to cater to his whims. So on V-day, I devised a plot to win his heart completely. I went out, and rented a harem girl costume, made reservations at this really nice Mexican Resturaunt (where we had our 1st date, and was his favorite place) I bought him a new dress shirt and tie and wrapped them up meticously. And when he came home from work, I was in harem costume, ready to take him out to dinner, where I hand fed HIM his whole meal, and referred to him as master all evening. I managed to put smiles on his face (and he ate up the whole master thing) but I still came away feeling empty inside. I can't think of this now, without cringing.

I think it was around there, that I basically put aside all feelings and expectations, about V-day, and our marraige.

Quite a few years later, (and a few long term affairs on the side) I was working one V-day, swingshift. I usually volunteered this holiday. My husband also worked in the same pharmacy, and was working the day shift that day. So I told him to drive safe, as he left for the day. He was well aware by now, how depressing I found this holiday. So as he headed home, instead of turning right onto the freeway, he went straight, as he was going to get me a bouquet of flowers for V-day. Because of this, he was hit head on by a drunk driver. (Had he turned onto the freeway, instead of trying to buy flowers, this would not have happened.) So he ended up in the ER, with only minor injuries. But his car was totaled, and my shift was over. Said drunk driver, also had no insurance. It was all so very traumatic at the time.

Each Feb. had its own unique traumas, and crisis. A good deal of which I cannot remember today. I do know that my 2nd divorce, was also final in February. And that month was truamatic for my young children, which I had put into counseling, to help them deal with all the changes to their young little lives, between the divorce, and moving to AZ away from extended family. The next Feb. that held trauma that is still very fresh in my mind, was 2003. My 56 year old mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer in December of 2002. On February 14th, 2003 my mother went in for a double mastectomy, as well as having one of her lymphnodes removed. February 2002 she had been diagnosed with severe Osteoporosis (I spelled that wrong, sorry) but had been able to remain optimistic, about still living a full life. Feb 2003 also held the news that my cousin's wife, who is 45 this year, had her Uterine cancer come back, and had spread to a good deal of her organs. This was devestating to all family. She is one of the most sweetest, fun, optimistic women I have ever known. We had grown fairly close before I had moved to AZ. And part of me felt guilty for moving away, when the news came. She has clung to life, and lived life, in these last stages of cancer, with more grace and dignity, then I have ever heard of in a cancer patient.

She has truly lived, as the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dying spoke of. She bought a jet ski, she has used more then a few times, remained secretary of the Yacht Club, kept up with the group of women she did morning walks with. Kept her garden beautiful.And struggled hard to remain vital in her teens' lives. As of now, they will no longer administer the chemo they were giving her, strictly for maintenance purposes. And she goes in about every 5 weeks, to have the fluid drained off of both her lungs. And she has not allowed this to alter her life and routine. Well, not much anyway. I know the fatigue gets to her on ocassion, and she is now skin and bones. But this next Thursday, has her hopping a plane with her husband and children to go to Hawaii. She is at the point now, where I try to remember her in prayer regularly. I know she wants this vacation tremendously. And has set up, in Hawaii for treatment there, while they are on the island.

That February, 2003 especially sucked. Now I know that these things very well could have happned any month. But it wasn't any month, it was February. I think this was the year my father broked down, and agreed that yes, February is cursed.

Bascially for all the years that passed, I remember very little of the repercussions of the curse. And now I am going to put this all behind me. All but February 2005, and whatever it may hold for the next 14 days. Each day left, I am going to lift up a thankful prayer, naming a special blessing in my life, and thanking God for it. This may or may not heal me emotionally, or free me of the fear, but it definetely couldn't hurt.

So on this retail day of lovers, I wish you a blessing,and love (be it the love of a child, special pet,parents, close friend, or lover) that you are thankful for in your life.

13 Comments:

  • If you believe in the curse then it is real. Your mind would make it real even if it weren't. That's the way our minds work.

    Ever notice how if you wake up anticipating a bad day it usually ends up being a bad day? I've learned that when we are in a good mood, some things roll off us like water off a duck's back. We just pay little or no head to those little bumps in the road. But if we are in a bad mood those little bumps become magnified. And big bumps, well they can seem unbearable.

    When I first moved to California there were several events that would have put me into a major my-life-is-ruined-funk (my car being broken into, stuff stolen from it, a fiasco getting a washer and drier delivered, several pairs of brand new Levis 501s stolen out of my apartment laundry room) that all happened within days of each other. Nothing was going right. Nothing was going as planned.

    Yet, I was living in a place that was sunny and warm after leaving the cloudy, dark, rainy Pacific Northwest and a failed relationship. I was on an adventure. A new life quest, and that sustained me.

    Events that under other circumstances would have sent me packing for home and wishing I had never moved did not get me down because I was in a happy and positive frame of mind generally.

    We can't always pick our moods or our attitudes, but we have much more control over it that we allow ourselves to believe. Whether the glass is half full or half empty depends on what we choose to see.

    Cut folks some slack, they are trying to be helpful, not vindictive. People may not generally believe in "curses" but you don't need their validation to know it is real and tangible for you. You believe it, and that's all that matters really. Would you allow someone else to invalidate your faith? Your love for your family? Things we believe at our core are part of who and what we are. So if you are going to be cursed in the month of February, have some fun with it!

    You seem to be trying to lift the curse, which is a marvelous start. I hope you find a way to banish it completely. In the meantime, give the demons a name and torment them back!

    By Blogger The G-man, at 4:27 AM  

  • Well, I do agree with g-man in that your frame of mind can set the mood for the day..... however I am glad to see that you're going to try and put the past aside and move along in the future.

    So, today I would like to wish you a VERY Happy Valentine's Day!! I hope that today and the rest of the days this month are full of hugs and smiles!!

    By Blogger Sis, at 6:37 AM  

  • Happy Valentine's Day T! I hope this one it that start of something new and wonderful.

    I loved the story about your parents. What a blessing thery are.

    Oh and g-man, did you get any sleep last night? I managed to drift off right after I hung the phone.

    By Blogger Brat, at 8:30 AM  

  • Oh dear. You really do have a self-fulfilling prophesy. Do you have "seasonal disorder" or something that depresses you so in February? wow. You really must think about better things that can and do happen in Feb. for you! My birthday, for example, happens in Feb! And a silly holiday that celebrates chocolate...that can't be half-bad, can it?

    By Anonymous mediakath, at 11:04 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous mediakath, at 11:05 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous mediakath, at 11:05 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous mediakath, at 11:05 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous mediakath, at 11:05 AM  

  • G-Man, thank you for taking the time to leave this exhortation. and for sharing yuor own experience with a string of mishaps. And your right. I too have moved to a pace with beautiful sunshine, and desert skies. And I will remember to give thanks for this. (It would be nice, if the frickin' rain would dry up for a while...Thanks again.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 1:33 PM  

  • D, and sis. Thank you and I wish you both a special Valentines Day!:-) I must admit, when I first read your Vappy V-day wish, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. (Sorry, I guess I have some real work today on my attitude regarding this holiday) I have not in any normal way acknowledged this "Holiday" in quite a few years. I know I need to get over this, as my daughter and oldest son both have presented me with V-day cards, and gifts. So I will be running out today, to get them somthing. I love them, and frankly am shocked that they did this. But I want to reciprocate for their thoughtfulness. My husband and I from day one of our relationship have not acknowledged this day. And I think I am not going to change that. It works for us. And he spends many more days thru out the yeat showing me in thoughtful ways of his love. Like I said, thank you for taking the time to send me your Valentines Day wishes. I wish you both a special one too! D, the letters you shared on G-Man's blog almost had me in tears. What a beautiful story the two of you have! Hurry and get out to Palm Springs, I am cheering for you both, and anxious to see your lives unfold together. :-)

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 1:43 PM  

  • Mediakath, Happy Birthday month! And thank you for taking the time to comment. And the way you presented V-day "And a silly Holdiay that celebrates chocolate....that can't be half bad can it?" was fun and sweet. (And I cannot argue with the logic;-) Thanks for sharing it!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 1:49 PM  

  • You know what else February signifies for you? That you are a survivor - you can handle most anything. Rejoice in that, and hang in there. March is just around the corner!

    By Blogger Cattiva, at 9:27 AM  

  • Cattiva!
    Thank you for your exhortation. I'm countin' down to March! Thank you for taking the time to comment.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 9:17 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home


<< # Bitch Club ? >>

« ? dry heat! # »