Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Friday, February 25, 2005

Dealing with...

I am putting my husband's daily e-mail to me, for today in here. HE should be the one with a blog. His way with words has always had my admiration, and awe. This morning, with a good nights sleep, has me not feeling quite so pissed anymore. More of a concern, and sadness, for people all around me, who are struggling with some sort of pain, whether it be emotional, or a loss, or a death, or are just overwhelmed with so many of life's little complexities. I lift each one up in prayer. That's all I can do, in the onslaught of so many things in life, that are beyond our control. Prayer, and my compassion.

These life events (for lack of a better word coming to me) are not happening to me. And deep down I know, are not due to some "curse" I invented to be able to deal. They are a part of life. They happen when they happen. Believing in a higher power, (in my case, Jesus Christ) I want to find a rhyme or reason to events. I cannot blame this higher power, but can't come to terms with a loving God allowing pain. In my simplicity, I invented "the curse".

It was easier to log, all the injustices that I felt occurred in my cursed month. By doing this, I felt I could be more in control the other 11 months out of the year. It's my fairy tale I use to deal. I allow myself to wallow in, self pity? sadness? helplessness? for one month outta the year. Granted, life happenings had made it easier to choose this month out of all the others. But it is, what it is. The trauma's that happen, in the sense of my mother, or Kathy, in reality, did not happen to me. It happened to them. They lived amidst their personal crisis, and they struggled, hurt, and dealt. These are not my personal trauma's. As it is my blog, for my personal feelings, and pains, it has been about what I went thru standing helplessly by, watching them move thru it.

My husband's words, put it far better then I ever could. Watching someone you love, care about, and want good things for, get just the opposite, leaves no words to express, that actually eases pain. They have to go thru it, and no one with words can take away their pain. We can with just our presence, our compassion, let them know, we are there, and that we care. That connection in life, I do believe is powerful. Not necessarily to ease pain, just to acknowledge, validate and let them know, that they are not alone. And ultimately, I do believe there is comfort in that.

Subject :

At a time of sadness like Kathy's turn for the worst brings, I find both an
advantage and a disadvantage in being there for you. The advantage is that
you have the intellect and heart to see into this tragedy and realize the
powerlessness of man in the face of death and hence I can always count on
you making a peace, however uncomforting, with such a tragedy. The
disadvantage is that I find words fail me in my effort to comfort you
precisely because your mind and your heart already know just about anything
I could tell you and it would almost sound naive and condescending of me to
say just about anything.
Still, I went to bed sad for you, sad because you have to deal with this
and sad because I really couldn't do much but listen to you. That wasn't
because I was tired, but because I know your mind and your heart all too
well and that you know all too well the senselessness and outrage and utter
despair we all feel when a loved one dies, especially when that someone is
so young.
I thought back to my feelings when my brother died and when my mom passed.
The latter in many ways was much easier to deal with: No, I don't like the
fact that time relentlessly rolls on and steals our youth and the joys we
discovered in family and friends. But when we reflect on death's
inevitability and look at the deceased's long life, we can draw comfort in
some ways: If we took the time as often as we could to tell that person we
loved them, and if we can see where even if that person's life was a hard
one, we could see the joys that that person had in spite of hardship, we
can find some consolation. So it was with me and my mom: I knew her life
was hard, but I knew she retained her innate joy in life. I knew I had made
a lot of time (there is never enough)
for her. I knew I told her many times not only that I loved her but that
she had given me so much that I would always remember her.
It was different with Pete. Yes, I had many fond memories of him because we
played together as kids, spent hours conversing about the intellectual and
emotional discoveries one makes as one leaves childhood for adulthood, and
could spend long periods of time apart and then come together as if we had
seen each other every day. Yet, I was angry, brutalized by sadness because
he was leaving at 45. In his final weeks, I couldn't even talk to him
because his wife claimed he couldn't. She just kept me apprised of how he
was doing as his life relentlessly wound down to zero.
And then, a few days before he died, the phone rang and I picked it up and
his wife gave the phone to Pete. he was trying to say something but his
voice had become so distorted by drugs and, I guess, the impact of cancer
on his body, that I simply couldn't understand what he was saying. I never
felt the kind of desperation I did in those final minutes as I struggled in
vain to cock my inner ear and pick up his last words to me. And all I could
tell him was be brave and that I loved him.
My words gave me no satisfaction. Nothing left me with comfort.
And I suspect this is all the case now as you look with horror and anger
and sorrow and anguish at what's happening to Kathy.
This is an awfully long and maybe even convoluted way of telling you that I
don't think there is anything meaningful that I can say to you at this time
that will bring you comfort when you think of Kathy.
But what I can tell you is this:
I am there for you to vent your rage at life being cut short. I am there
for you to talk to even as you internally realize that death never makes
sense and rarely brings justification with it. And most of all, I am there
to hold you and let you find comfort in the fact that as long as I draw a
breath, I am yours to lean on without reservation.
I love you, Tamber
with all my heart.

I know why I married this man. And a good deal of it lies with this e-mail. His struggle to help me, he put into words, how I feel, seeing those that I care about struggle. This includes those I have gotten to know thru blogging, who have struggled with different losses, or are struggling. The pain of having cancer, is not a joke. I have senselessly laughed at insensitive remarks made in the past, when it wasn't real to me. (And sought forgiveness for it) The loss of a love. We all go thru it at one point or another, but it doesn't lessen the pain of those going thru it now, whether it be a child, a fiancee, a husband, or a friend.

There is a small group of bloggers, that I have learned of their pain, and struggles and triumphs. And I respect, care and admire them. They put into words, in their personal blogs part of their struggle, and I lift up a prayer for them today. I don't know how appropriate it would be to list them, and if they ask me to I will remove them from this post. But I want to tell them, what my husband told me. I recognize your struggles, and cannot ease them, whatever they are. But I care.

Rachel You're one helluva a woman, and I see a strength in you that I admire, in 15 different ways. I can't give any words that will comfort you, but you're in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Brat You struggled with cancer, and still deal with problems associated with it. You have my respect, and admiration, for someone who has walked thru the fires of this nightmare, and came out the otherside. Whole, open, caring and full of anticipation for what life has yet to bring you. I cheer for you, and congratulate you.

G-man You lost a love, and your dreams for your future as you worked for it to unfold. You shared your pain with us here, and I have seen you feel it, work thru it, and regain your strength (and your sense of humor ) as you now anticipate what joys life will bring you in the future. I care about you, and always want to feel the privilege of being able to call you my friend.

And for those that don't know it, there is a special relatonship between Brat and G-man, that if put into a book, I would buy it! Their friendship started online, and has grown closer then one would think possible from an internet, long distannce relationship, that has spanned several years. Some of which they have shared here on their blogs. I watch their two lives, from their blogs with anticipation of what the future may hold for them. (As jaded as I claim to be, I am a romantic at heart!)

There are a few others in this blog world, that I know are struggling with a myriad of life little mishaps, and that can be frustrating and disheartening as well. Hang in there AK we both know today will be better. (Yesterday's post spoke to me, as I went thru a week, this month, similar to your day yesterday.)

Catt, taking your little one to the ER, I know is emotionally draining. And I am happy she is doing well. You put the feelings of what a mother goes thru during an ER visit down with laser sharp accuracy.

I guess I am going thru this list, because when you're struggling with your own pain, during someone you loves crisis, it helps to come out of yourself, and show the compassion you feel, for others who are struggling.

Life happens, and I cannot change that. I have no control over it, and I guess I just have to accept that. And it's arrogant of me, to even sub-consciously believe that I do have a say, or control over any of it.

I wish the best for all these people, who I have come to care about, either over the internet or in my personal life. It doesn't mean a happily ever after outcome. But it does mean strength, and growth, even when I see no rhyme or reason.....


  • It is those moments of sadness or pain or loneliness that make us appreciate the moments of love and laugher and joy.

    Bad days make the good days better. And good days make the bad days bearable. And those who have family and friends through the bad and the good are truly blessed.

    You are blessed to have a family member you care about so deeply, and I'm sure she appreciates your love and support. And that probably makes her bad days more bearable as well.

    You are blessed to have your children and your spouse who love and care for you and who help you through your struggles as well, as your husband's letter obviously has done.

    Oh, by the way, feel not sorry for me. I have people I care about and who care about me, and that makes life worth living.

    I have not lost anything really. I have experienced something wonderful, and some pain as well, but through it I have strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I have gained much more than I lost.

    By Blogger The G-man, at 12:19 PM  

  • G-man, I apologize if what you got outta my post, was pity. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is admiration, for taking a bad event, and coming out of it, like you said, with strength. And like you said, better for it in so many ways. None of my post, was about "feeling sorry for", or pity, but about compassion, and caring, and reaching out to people. Perhaps I need to be more careful, in the way I word things. Like I said in this post, my husband is far better with words then I am. But know that what I said came thru the heart, and any miswording I may have used, is just my lack of skill with the English language.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 12:30 PM  

  • What a sweet post. I have really enjoyed get to know you the past couple of months.

    If G-man and I do have a "Happily Ever After" then perhaps we should put a book together. We have had quite a ride.

    By Blogger Brat, at 4:56 PM  

  • Brat,
    I would be first in line to buy it! And I have considered it an honor getting to know you!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 5:33 PM  

  • I am sorry for you loss. You sound like a beautiful person, inside and out. What a joy it must be to have a husband who knows you as well as you know him and who isn't too proud to show it, much less put his feelings down on "paper".
    My heart goes out to you and all you care for.

    By Blogger sede, at 12:45 PM  

  • sede,
    Thank you so much for the uplifting comment. And I honestly I do feel very blessed. (And possibly a little lucky as well) I appreicate your condolences very much. And am also looking forward to when you start your blog as well. I am lifting a prayer up for you, and yours. Hang in there.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 1:38 PM  

  • What a fantastic post. We should all really take that to heart.

    By Anonymous mofo, at 11:45 AM  

  • Thank you mofo. And I agree. It seems I am guilty of taking a lot of things for granted, right up until the moment the proverbial shit hits the fan in one form or another. Thank you for commenting!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 12:13 PM  

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