Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Fun Quips on Moms and Dads

I thought these were halarious, in my morbid sense of humor way. Not that I would actually use any of them, but the thought has crossed my mind....usually just after the end of my patience with the rugrats, has been used up! And the life blood of me sucked dry, by those little darlin's I call my children! God bless em! ;-)

I'm really gonna miss my computer and blogs this next 4 days..... I'm hopin' Delta wants to shower twice a day. Although this may be hoping for too much. (In my best melodramatic flair and style) I'm going to miss you, all my fellow bloggers! Don't forget me...... (I truly mean this by the way)

Vacations With Mother and Father.
BY DAVID CONNERLEY NAHM
- - - -
Ocean Isle, NC, Summer 1984
MOTHER: Don't you boys run down the hall like that. Someone could open a door, pull you in, and have your stomachs cut open before I even knew you were missing.
(My brother and I blink blankly.)
MOTHER: Let me tell you about Adam Walsh.
- - - -
Sunset Beach, NC, Summer 1982
FATHER: If you don't turn around and clean your plate, Norman Bates's mother will come. Right to that window behind you. No, don't turn around. You have to sit with your back to the window. Come on. Eggs only get worse the colder they get. Do you want some Worcestershire sauce on them?
- - - -
Iowa City, IA, Spring 1983
MOTHER: No, you can't go down to the pool by yourselves. Do you know who Charles Manson is?
(My brother and I try not to look at her.)
MOTHER: Let me tell you about Sharon Tate.
- - - -
Bowling Green, KY, 1981
ME: (Pointing to underside of mushroom.) What's that?
FATHER: Oh, that's how mushrooms eat people. They suck you through there and you get sliced up.
(I push the plate away.)
FATHER: No, no. Africans don't get to decide what pizza they will eat and what pizza they won't eat. Plus, mushrooms are poisonous if cold.
- - - -
Land Between the Lakes, KY, 1987
MOTHER: Boys, boys! Don't you get into the hot tub. Did you just see that man that got out? Those places on his skin—AIDS.
- - - -
Philadelphia, PA, 1985
FATHER: (Taking my arm.) I don't know what it is. It looks like the start of what the Elephant Man had. You remember when we watched that movie? You haven't been drinking milk, have you?
- - - -
Boston, MA, 1987
MOTHER: If you don't wear suntan lotion, your skin will rot off like that dog's that we saw by the side of the road.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1984
MOTHER: Say goodbye, children. Your father is leaving for a business trip.
ME: On Christmas Eve?
FATHER: That's right. Just a business trip. We are not getting divorced.
MOTHER: (Sigh.)
- - - -
Fort Meyers, FL, 1987
MOTHER: (To my stepfather.) Don't you realize that the children are going to have to deal with anti-Semitism their whole lives?
ME: (Interrupting.) I thought we were Presbyterian.
MOTHER: No, you're Jewish. At least as far as most people are concerned.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1982
FATHER: Here, I have a friend I want you to meet.
ME: It's dark.
FATHER: Just stick out your hand.
(I stick my hand out and take something in it. Father switches on the lights. It is a skeleton's hand that I am holding. My brother runs off down the hall.)
FATHER: Look, it's my friend Slim.
- - - -
London, KY, 1987
MOTHER: Boys, I don't want you all getting salad. Do you see that man getting the crouton? Let me tell you about his earring. You don't want those croutons. Trust me.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1982
FATHER: Do you see anything in the water there?
ME: (Pointing at my brother.) Daddy!
FATHER: No, the Creature from the Black Lagoon has him now. We just have to try to go about our lives as best we can. Come on.

- - - -Vacations With Mother and Father By David Connerley Nahm

16 Comments:

  • Thank goodness I wasn't eating or drinking when I read this -- how funny . . . in that "uncomfortable - been-there" sorta way.

    By Blogger Kitty, at 3:21 PM  

  • Haha, that's hillarious.

    By Anonymous Arwen, at 3:21 PM  

  • Kitty,
    Yep, I thought they were good ones.

    Arwen,
    Remember you said I could interview you??I will probably get your questions out to you, next week.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 3:55 PM  

  • hahaha, looks like somebody was fishing around the website i posted

    By Blogger ak, at 5:24 PM  

  • The repeated mentions of Kentucky caught my eye (I've lived in Louisville my entire, almost 45-year-long life).

    And the snippets reminded me of a vacation moment of mine own.

    One time we went to some sort of plant garden/museum/display. My middle brother (I'm number 3 of 3 boys) stuck his finger on a cactus. My dad told him the needle would eventually work its way to his heart and he'd die. I believed him, and went through the rest of that day thinking I was losing a brother.

    I guess he thought it was funny...my dad WAS a jokester.

    By Blogger Jeff H, at 6:28 PM  

  • OMG those were hysterical! They reminded me of my grandfather. He was always just like that, bless his heart.
    :-)
    I think two showers a day wouldn't be out of the question for my new husband, however, not many people do I know that are that neurotic about bathing! Good luck!
    We are truly going to miss you too! But have fun, don't worry, we'll be here when you're free again! :-)

    By Blogger Jade, at 7:27 AM  

  • LMAO!! These are hilarious! (Vox sent me your way.)

    By Blogger yayaempress, at 8:56 AM  

  • too good...linking to this post. loved the mushrooms one :)

    tc,
    Ahmed

    http://godofdust.blogspot.com

    By Blogger Ahmed Bilal, at 10:46 AM  

  • So funny! I can remember some things my parents said like that...but not like THAT. Ha! I love your writing!

    By Blogger Pigs, at 4:55 PM  

  • So very, very sick. I love it:)

    By Blogger Susie, at 9:13 AM  

  • Hillarious!

    I loved the slim one. When I was about 11 months pregnant, HUGE and waddly just really big my husbands boss said to me, "heya slim, how ya doing?" I laughed my ass off, I still find it hillarious. Which my husband just can't fathom, because he's right, had he said it, it would have not been so funny :)

    By Anonymous Toryssa, at 2:08 PM  

  • ak, Indeed I did! That is a great website! How did you find it?

    Jeff h,
    Your moments definitely would fit in to these vacation moments! Thanks for commenting.

    Jade, I loved all of these! And I am back! Had a great time with Delta. But missed reading the blogosphere. And specifially, all about your wedding week-end!!! I have quite a few of your posts to catch up on. And plan on doing that first thing in the morning.:-)

    yaya empress,
    Thanks for visiting! I wanted to tell you, I love your photo blog, and the way you set up the pages. They are great!

    Ahmed bilal,
    These were funny, and there were more then just a few that I related with, from my own childhood! Thanks for commenting.

    ginny,
    I wish I could take credit for these! I know I left the author, and website on my post. They were so funny, I just needed to share them. But thanks for commenting!

    susie,
    I'm a big fan of morbid and sick humor as well. Thank you for visiting.:-)

    toryssa,
    Our husbands can't get away with things like that. Don't know why, but you're right! Thanks for commenting.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 11:17 PM  

  • I'm writing these down for future reference - they're right up my alley.

    By Blogger Cattiva, at 6:59 AM  

  • Glad yer back and about! :-) I so totally missed you!
    I posted back to you on my comments at my place, am not recieving the emails regarding comments, so I had to reply like that for now! LOL

    Talk soon darlin'!

    :)

    By Blogger Jade, at 2:30 PM  

  • oh, i will definitely be borrowing some of these lines on our next vacation. my son is just young enough to believe them.

    By Blogger ducklet, at 8:02 PM  

  • Hi, I was surfing the internet and came across your blog. I'm quite impressed , with how it makes such good reading.

    This is one to watch.

    Many thanks,

    marriott time shares

    By Blogger Online Degree Adviser, at 3:21 AM  

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