Stumbling thru life w/Grace

Monday, April 25, 2005

Ranting & Raging!

I want to scream obscenities! Why and who? The X-husband! I'm about to blow my so called "fairy tale, we're still friends divorce" right outta the water!!! I'm so pissed off I can't see straight! The X's right-wing holier than thou, arragant, condescending attitude will eventually cost him! And soon!

I let things slide. Little comments, that can be taken two ways. I try and work with him on raising my kids as healthily as possible. I don't keep strict to the divorce decree! I give him room to be a dad somewhat during my week with the kids. Usually letting him have a few hours with them on his days off that fall midweek.

But I cannot stand it when he comes across like some smug know it all perfect parent! The man is an emotional cripple! And in my opinion is working as hard as he can to turn his kids into exactly that!!

It took some smug comment for the blinders to lift, and for me to see a few things that I can no longer ignore in the name of keeping the peace! For the record, there is no such thing as a good divorce. If things were so peachy, there never would have been a divorce in the first place!

This man brings new meaning to the word martyr. And as far as making any valid point with him, forget it. It's like trying to grab a great big wad of snot in your hand. It's gonna slide right out between your fingers! I get so frustrated in having to deal with him!

To the X:
You believe you have all the answers! You're going to turn our kids into mealy mouthed martyrs, who need to be coddled or they will fall apart. You scoff at the school system, and let our kids know you feel this way! You undermine what I try to teach my kids, in order that they may function in society. You would prefer they remain dependant on you, so you can continue to be a self sacrificing martyr to the world. The only problem, nobody cares!!!! Nobody's watching, you idiot! You're going to inevitably scar your kids for an agenda you have, that you don't even consciously recognize!

I'm pulling in the reins on you! You will succumb to a few areas regarding OUR children, or you may see your kids ONLY on your week with them! Riley WILL remain in the 3rd grade if the teacher and the principal feels it is in HIS best interest! I suggest you shut the fuck up! when it comes to how you feel about the public school system!!! THEY are the powers that be, regarding your childrens education!!! Fighting them, ignoring their requests for help in getting him to act responsible and do what is requested is only going to hurt RILEY!!!

Our son, to my face with obstinate chin lifted said, "My dad says I don't have to stay in 3rd grade, period!" A reminder Mr. X! I am the custodial parent as set forth by the divorce decree! I also have ultimate and full control over ANY and ALL education decisions!! Check your decree ASSHOLE!

My new husband and I have fought all year to work at, and prod Riley into being a responsible, respectful student!! And you with your arrogant condescending attitudes have done your best to UN-DO THIS! Right now, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!!!

Your sense of self worth, far outweighs the realities. And your self-destructive martyr syndrome, coupled with your need to be needed at all costs will cost. It will cost with our kids. You fucking idiot, it cost you our marragie! I garauntee I will not let it interfere with my new marraige! And I will do my best to keep you from taking our kids down with you!

They have to be able to function in THIS world. You may keep YOUR head in the clouds, because you have your eduaction, and your job. These kids NEED to succeed as much as they can NOW! Not "down the road" when you think it counts!

Learning responisbility and discipline is our job as parents. And you Mr. X have failed miserably in this department!! NOW is when they learn it!!! NOT when they start High School!

You spent our whole marraige always making me out as the "bad guy". Whether it be with relatives all around us, or with my son, that I allowed you to adopt. He was dutiful to you during the divorce. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. You have made our children your best friends, no wait, your ONLY friends! And neglected your responisbilities of parent. Once again making me the bad guy. Someone has to parent these kids! They have friends at school jack-ass! That is not supposed to be your position until they are well adjusted self supporting adults!!!!

I will take the reins on this, because I see it as the job God entrusted me with. But my resentment and anger towards you, continues to grow. And just to try and hurt you!! Let me say this; I have not for ONE iota of a minute EVER regretted divorcing YOU!!! You are a suffocating force with your co-dependancy!!!

Sitting on MY patio listening to you tell Rox about counseling and it's benefits when for years you refused to go!!! You refused to go before the divorce! You refused to go after the divorce, and then you sit there recommending it??? I wanted to vomit and laugh at the same time! You sir, are a hypocrite in the biggest possible ways!

Now that I'm releasing my anger, how do I handle having to approach him, with the changes that need to be made? I will never come out and say what I have vented here. I'm not out to hurt my kids any further then they are. But I cannot let things conitinue, at the rate that Riley is going he'll be a juvenile deliquent by the time he is 13.

I hate confrontation and that SOB knows it! I am now pushed to the point where I cannot let things slide. Tomorrow's appt. with the principal and Riley's teacher, should tell me more. The fact they made a point out of saying that I need not include the X in this speaks volumes. As does the fact that his teacher suggested I take the X back to court and get full custody, since he refuses to be a parent. As is already well documented in Riley's school records. (Best friend, yes. Parent, no)

I hate having to deal with him. His smug arrogance makes me want to bitch slap him and kick his sorry ass outta my house! Somtimes I wonder at myself, #1 for marrying him. and #2. For procreating with him. I chalk it up to a need for couseling (intensive counseling) after marraige #1. Because surely if I'd been in my right mind, I wouldn't have made such a grievous error as marrying him.

I probably need to pray that God gives me the right words, that actually sinks into his dim brain, without turning this into a major blowout! But I cannot ignore things any further. Riley needs to be reined in before he complelely flunks out of grade school. And the asshole's influence needs to be diminished, as far as during my week with the kids.

And to think I had such a wonderful week-end with my husband. The afterglow has certainly worn off, and reality sets in. I am counting down until Sunday. When Kevin and I leave for Laughlin NV for a relaxing week! This is just far too much reality to have to deal with, the week before vacation. And on the heels of marital bliss!
That fucktard!


  • Having gone through this type of thing myself with my X for over ten years, when my daughter was little, I understand.

    In my opinion, the X is using the kids to get back at you, for whatever reason is in his mind. To justify his own actions, he has to make you the bad guy.

    Confronting him directly will only reinforce his behavior. You have to appear calm and collected at all times... otherwise he knows he's getting to you.

    Take whatever legal steps you need to protect yourself and your son, but don't give him any advance warning. Just do it.

    I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but most likely it won't for quite a long time. He has issues that he apparently refuses to acknowledge. If and until he can face them he's not gonna let up on you.

    Protect yourself and your family most of all, and make sure your current hubby is onboard and understands.

    Just my opinion,


    By Anonymous D Brooks, at 3:02 PM  

  • DB,
    What you say makes perfect sense. And I know deep down I need to control my impulse to let him have it with both barrels! I just find it astonishing, that people would use their children and their futures to "get back" at an X spouse. This one has become painfully obvious to even my son's school.
    Adult problems, should remain adult problems.The kids shouldn't have to suffer the ill effects beyond the fact that they end up w/two homes.
    But thank you for your adice, it is sound wise advice! Especially when all I care about is fulfilling the role of parent to the best of my abilities.
    It just blows my mind, and my temper, when I see him playing games with his kids' futures!
    And on a positive note, it felt good to just scream at the blog!

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 4:17 PM  

  • 3T,

    I applaud you for writing the letter to you X down on your blog. It is such a wonderful and therapeutic way to express your current feelings...without having to suffer repercussions. I hope you at least feel a little better after doing so.

    Unfortunately, I have never been in this situation, so I can't provide any "good advice" on what you should do. I can tell you however, that you are a wonderful person and your kids are extremely lucky to have you as a mother. When my parents went through their Mom didn't handle it quite as subtly as you. You're doing a splendid job.

    Keep it up. Even if you are considered "The bad guy" for a the long run...your kids will respect and love you even more so for it. I guarantee it.

    I wish you all the good luck in the world for dealing with this jerk. He'll get his in the end. ; ) ((((Hugs)))

    By Anonymous Sassy, at 6:19 PM  

  • I think there is a psychological quirk, a natural tendency, to cut our X's a little slack once in a while... and to try and remain the "good guy" or be the better person throughout. Unfortunately they aren't playing by the same rules, or even most of the time with a full deck.

    You have to understand that in his mind you are the bad guy. Otherwise he has to face the results of his actions, and admit it to himself. Something he may never do no matter what may happen.

    What he's doing is making his problem become your problem. In so doing he is also retaining some shred of control over you through your son. The only way to combat this is to take a cold hard stand and stick to your guns. Your son's future is at stake, and what your X feels or believes isn't and shouldn't be your problem any longer unless he is able to put his son's future in front of his own feelings.


    By Anonymous D Brooks, at 6:58 PM  

  • Ok, so once again DB has beaten me to the punch with his comments. I agree with him. I, too, aplaud you for venting it here versus an arena where your children could hear. ^5!
    Um, the snot thing!? EWWW!

    Darlin' I know what you're going through cuz I too am going through it with my ex. It's not pretty.

    God will give you the words and the courage to show patience and force with witt and style! You are amazing and I will be thinking of you tomorrow!

    By Blogger Jade, at 7:46 PM  

  • Sassy~
    Thanks for the words of encouragement! And you're right on the kids and letting loose on him, in front of them. Oh but I was shaking mad!
    And I'm clinging to paragraph 3 of your comment. It gets tiring on ocassion always having to be the bad guy. Thank you Sassy!
    (((Extra big hug)))

    I think you should have been a psychologist! Your insight is amazing. And comforting. Thank you.

    From your mouth (or keyboard) to God's ears. It's hard enough trying to navigate the waters of your child's education, without having to deal with an unruly, illogical X spouse!
    And DB shoulda really been a shrink! I woulda payed him. (Or tried to coerce the X into going to him) ;-) Sorry about the snot analogy. But bet you could see it in your head. That's what it's like trying to make any valid point with an idiot.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 11:32 PM  

  • Well hell, no time to blog, and all the good responses are already in place, complete with wisdom, dubiousness, and backup, no doubt.

    You've got some good perspectives here 3T, keep your cool, no matter how hard it seems--it will bring you closer to some sanity, again. It's taken me 3 years, umm no over 4 to get this far with mine, and he's still loopy, but his shit is slowly subsiding.

    By Blogger BTude a.k.a. GlassHoppah, at 2:04 AM  

  • I've always found that a Louisville Slugger tends to settle my problems in a most satisfactory way.

    By Anonymous k@os, at 8:21 AM  

  • Bitchatude~
    Now I'm feelin' bad for you. I wager a bet you're studying your ass off! (Ya, I read your blog, and know it's a safe bet)
    The wisdom,dubiousness and back-up are all in place. But I appreciate your comments as well. Nothing is as good as advice, as those that have been there. Or are there.DB, Jade, you....amazing how many people have gone thru the X syndrome.
    On a side note, I'm lifting a prayer up for you. That your school work doesn't completely exaust and bog you down. And I think bloggers are a patient lot, waiting for when you can post, and always checking for one!;-)

    I'm scared! What you said almost sounded feasible to me! ;-)
    At the very least, brought a definite smile and giggle to my face! You are a fun one K@os!:-)

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 9:43 AM  

  • Well babe, finally got to read that withering assault on X-Man, and I hope he never reads it, cause he'll be heading for a high cliff right away. Great description of everything he has put you/the kids/ and, by extension, me through. All I need to do, though, is remind you -- and everyone of your friends on this site -- that this too shall pass, and that morons may hang around, but don't last forever.
    At least I know I'm married to a fine woman who doesn't take crap from idiots, her ex being the king of the pack.
    And that's one of many many reasons why I love her.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:06 AM  

  • Good luck with the situation. Sounds like DB has some good advice and that's probably what I'd do if I was in that situation.

    By Blogger yayaempress, at 3:23 PM  

  • Thank you yayaempress! DB has very good advice.

    By Blogger 3rd Times a Charm, at 1:43 PM  

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