Stumbling thru life w/Grace

The New & Improved Stumbling / Grace

2005-04-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

The famous and wonderful Rachel from Web Divas is finishing up my new blog home today! I would love all of my new blogger friends to come over to my new home, and check it out! (My blog housewarming!) I know, CORNY, but I'm excited to have a design that has the feel of me.

So please follow me over there! And if I have missed anyone of you on my blogroll list PLEASE point it out for me, and I will add you. Starting from scratch, it is easy to miss someone. And learning how to naviagate thru a new site, for someone who is as computer illiterate as I am takes time. I have been playing around and checking things out off and on all day!

I have also missed reading a lot of my daily reads due to having to learn a few things! Altough I plan on catching up tomorrow. So, without further ado!!!

http://stumblingthroughlifewithgrace.com/index.php

Coming soon on my new site will be Jaded Sunburns http://azjade.com/ blog review! I should have it posted by Saturday. My hubby and I leave for vacation Sunday morning for a week, and although I'm excited to get away alone with him, a week away from my new site and computer!!?? I'm scared! I think the withdrawals are going to be severe. It's going to take a lot for him to keep my mind off of blogging. I hope he's up for the task!;-)

If I could be: MEME TIME AGAIN!!!!

2005-04-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

I have been officially tagged for this little meme! But at least this one isn't the bestest of the bestest longest meme out there!;-) I was tagged by Jade at Jaded Sunburns http://azjade.com/
Although it would be one of the best of the bestest, and deserves an "A" for originality.

Here's what I copied from Jade's site, and my answers are below it. As well as the three people I plan on tagging!!! Who's the lucky bloggers???? hehehehe And if I tag you, you have to play! Or else you'll make me cry! ;-)

I’ve been officially tagged! This little meme comes to you from Diane over at Ya Know?
The idea is to pick 5 and complete the sentances, then pass this little meme on to 3 more of your blog pals!
If I could be a scientist…If I could be a farmer…If I could be a musician…If I could be a doctor…If I could be a painter…If I could be a gardener…If I could be a missionary…If I could be a chef…If I could be an architect…If I could be a linguist…If I could be a psychologist…If I could be a librarian…If I could be an athlete…If I could be a lawyer…If I could be an inn-keeper…If I could be a professor…If I could be a writer…If I could be a llama-rider…If I could be a bonnie pirate…If I could be an astronaut…If I could be a world famous blogger…If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…If I could be married to any current famous political figure…
Here are my answers!

If I could be a lawyer : I would do 20% pro bono work helping battered women obtain their Protection orders and divorces. For free unless I could nail the bastard for HER lawyer fees!

If I could be a musician : I would make beautiful music, until I either died of AIDS or Hep. C. due to all the gorgeous people throwing themselves at me, and offerring me drugs. (Eh. Maybe not, maybe I would overcome the temptations... LOL)

If I could be a writer : All would be well with my world. I would like what I was doing, and take great joy outta seeing a part of me preserved in book form. And of course 10% of all book proceeds would go to legal defense of battered women seeking to rid themsleves of an abusive husband. Or a battered man, seeking the same. (I know it happens)

If I could be an Athlete : I would choose tennis as my sport. And be a celebrity advocate and spokeswoman for Domestic Violence shelters.

If I could be a psychologist : Physician heal thyself! ah, just kidding! Sort of. At any rate, again I would try and reach battered women, working a day a week, counseling those that came to my local shelter.

That was completely painless, and FUN. F U N FUN! So now, it is my turn to tag three people! This is going to be a little more difficult then filling out the meme! I have to take into consideration WHO would actually acknowledge me, and not ignore my request like a fly around a pile of shit. Then again, also having to consider that some of my readers don't visit everyday, and may not see it....hmmmm

OK, don't scream at me Priss! ;-) But I choose http://www.prissed.com/
And let's see, how bout Sassy! http://www.sassybrat.net/
And my good buddy Rich! http://www.crackheadlogic.com/

I woulda choose DB http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/ at Corporate Crap and Other Dubious Wisdom, but I figured the beautiful Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com who was tagged right along with me, would tag her (SO) significant and very handsome other. ;-) So if she doesn't tag him it's up to one of you three!

Now Sassy, Rich, and Priss PLEASE play, so as not to publicly humiliate me, by not playing???

Ranting & Raging!

2005-04-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

I want to scream obscenities! Why and who? The X-husband! I'm about to blow my so called "fairy tale, we're still friends divorce" right outta the water!!! I'm so pissed off I can't see straight! The X's right-wing holier than thou, arragant, condescending attitude will eventually cost him! And soon!

I let things slide. Little comments, that can be taken two ways. I try and work with him on raising my kids as healthily as possible. I don't keep strict to the divorce decree! I give him room to be a dad somewhat during my week with the kids. Usually letting him have a few hours with them on his days off that fall midweek.

But I cannot stand it when he comes across like some smug know it all perfect parent! The man is an emotional cripple! And in my opinion is working as hard as he can to turn his kids into exactly that!!

It took some smug comment for the blinders to lift, and for me to see a few things that I can no longer ignore in the name of keeping the peace! For the record, there is no such thing as a good divorce. If things were so peachy, there never would have been a divorce in the first place!

This man brings new meaning to the word martyr. And as far as making any valid point with him, forget it. It's like trying to grab a great big wad of snot in your hand. It's gonna slide right out between your fingers! I get so frustrated in having to deal with him!

To the X:
You believe you have all the answers! You're going to turn our kids into mealy mouthed martyrs, who need to be coddled or they will fall apart. You scoff at the school system, and let our kids know you feel this way! You undermine what I try to teach my kids, in order that they may function in society. You would prefer they remain dependant on you, so you can continue to be a self sacrificing martyr to the world. The only problem, nobody cares!!!! Nobody's watching, you idiot! You're going to inevitably scar your kids for an agenda you have, that you don't even consciously recognize!

I'm pulling in the reins on you! You will succumb to a few areas regarding OUR children, or you may see your kids ONLY on your week with them! Riley WILL remain in the 3rd grade if the teacher and the principal feels it is in HIS best interest! I suggest you shut the fuck up! when it comes to how you feel about the public school system!!! THEY are the powers that be, regarding your childrens education!!! Fighting them, ignoring their requests for help in getting him to act responsible and do what is requested is only going to hurt RILEY!!!

Our son, to my face with obstinate chin lifted said, "My dad says I don't have to stay in 3rd grade, period!" A reminder Mr. X! I am the custodial parent as set forth by the divorce decree! I also have ultimate and full control over ANY and ALL education decisions!! Check your decree ASSHOLE!

My new husband and I have fought all year to work at, and prod Riley into being a responsible, respectful student!! And you with your arrogant condescending attitudes have done your best to UN-DO THIS! Right now, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!!!

Your sense of self worth, far outweighs the realities. And your self-destructive martyr syndrome, coupled with your need to be needed at all costs will cost. It will cost with our kids. You fucking idiot, it cost you our marragie! I garauntee I will not let it interfere with my new marraige! And I will do my best to keep you from taking our kids down with you!

They have to be able to function in THIS world. You may keep YOUR head in the clouds, because you have your eduaction, and your job. These kids NEED to succeed as much as they can NOW! Not "down the road" when you think it counts!

Learning responisbility and discipline is our job as parents. And you Mr. X have failed miserably in this department!! NOW is when they learn it!!! NOT when they start High School!

You spent our whole marraige always making me out as the "bad guy". Whether it be with relatives all around us, or with my son, that I allowed you to adopt. He was dutiful to you during the divorce. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. You have made our children your best friends, no wait, your ONLY friends! And neglected your responisbilities of parent. Once again making me the bad guy. Someone has to parent these kids! They have friends at school jack-ass! That is not supposed to be your position until they are well adjusted self supporting adults!!!!

I will take the reins on this, because I see it as the job God entrusted me with. But my resentment and anger towards you, continues to grow. And just to try and hurt you!! Let me say this; I have not for ONE iota of a minute EVER regretted divorcing YOU!!! You are a suffocating force with your co-dependancy!!!

Sitting on MY patio listening to you tell Rox about counseling and it's benefits when for years you refused to go!!! You refused to go before the divorce! You refused to go after the divorce, and then you sit there recommending it??? I wanted to vomit and laugh at the same time! You sir, are a hypocrite in the biggest possible ways!

Now that I'm releasing my anger, how do I handle having to approach him, with the changes that need to be made? I will never come out and say what I have vented here. I'm not out to hurt my kids any further then they are. But I cannot let things conitinue, at the rate that Riley is going he'll be a juvenile deliquent by the time he is 13.

I hate confrontation and that SOB knows it! I am now pushed to the point where I cannot let things slide. Tomorrow's appt. with the principal and Riley's teacher, should tell me more. The fact they made a point out of saying that I need not include the X in this speaks volumes. As does the fact that his teacher suggested I take the X back to court and get full custody, since he refuses to be a parent. As is already well documented in Riley's school records. (Best friend, yes. Parent, no)

I hate having to deal with him. His smug arrogance makes me want to bitch slap him and kick his sorry ass outta my house! Somtimes I wonder at myself, #1 for marrying him. and #2. For procreating with him. I chalk it up to a need for couseling (intensive counseling) after marraige #1. Because surely if I'd been in my right mind, I wouldn't have made such a grievous error as marrying him.

I probably need to pray that God gives me the right words, that actually sinks into his dim brain, without turning this into a major blowout! But I cannot ignore things any further. Riley needs to be reined in before he complelely flunks out of grade school. And the asshole's influence needs to be diminished, as far as during my week with the kids.

And to think I had such a wonderful week-end with my husband. The afterglow has certainly worn off, and reality sets in. I am counting down until Sunday. When Kevin and I leave for Laughlin NV for a relaxing week! This is just far too much reality to have to deal with, the week before vacation. And on the heels of marital bliss!
That fucktard!

Part of my Family & my Friend.

2005-04-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend, Kathy that I have written about last month, passed away this morning. I don't remember her exact age, although I remember her Birthday, she was somewhere between 45 and 48. She had a battle with cervical cancer the lasted for 4 years total. And gave up the battle this morning, after a brief conversation with her sister.

She struggled to walk to the bathroom stopping often to catch her breath, and turn her oxygen tank up as high as she could get it. By the time she struggled back to her bed, she was exausted. Exausted from the pain, and the lack of oxygen. She turned to her sister, and said, "Lena, I want to die." Lena said, "You can do that Kathy." Kathy's response:" I don't know how." Lena held her hand, and told Kathy to close her eyes, and not to worry about that part. God would take care of that for her. Trust him to handle it. Kathy closed her eyes, and peacefully passed away 10 minutes later.

This woman was truly an inspiration to all who loved her. I realize we often say this, about loved ones who pass on. In this case it was far more then true. Kathy had a devotion to her husband and children, not born just from a sense of responsiblity, and what was right. She enjoyed doing so, embraced it with a joy and fun loving spirit, that each task she tackled in life was fun, because it was part of living.

Three months prior to her death, she was carrying bags of cement to work on a home improvement project. Went to scrub down the boat that she and her husband loved going out on, spending time with their kids on the water. She served as the Secretary to the yacht club they belonged to. She sat in her wheelchair, directing a group of relatives that had come over to do her flower planting this early spring. Her garden always brought her great joy, and she spent much time every year, planting and cultivating a wide variety of flowers that she always took joy in.

While she continued to "live life" she would also go into the hospital every 6 weeks to have the fluid drained off of her lungs. She had lymphnodes removed. Chemotherapy was a regular part of her life the last year. As she was having it done regularly, on a maintenance basis. Just to hold the cancer at bay. She dealt with pain on a daily basis, and did so with more grace then I would have thought humanly possible.

And thru it all, she continued to live. With great spirit she tackled anything she wanted to try and do. Last month, she packed up her kids and her husband, because she wanted the family to go to Hawaii together. They went. And the rest of the family prayed for her, each and everyday, that God would grant her this one last vacation, to enjoy her kids and her husband. She went into heart failure the last day of their vacation and had to be flown back to the mainland immediately. But she got her vacation.

Three months ago, she had wanted to jet ski. My cousin bought her a jet ski, and she went out on it as many times as she could. She LIVED life, actively, happily, and with spirit. And clung to every possible means of staying alive. I don't believe much of it was born out of fear. Just out of a great love for living, and being with her kids and her husband. She had wanted to live long enough, to watch her 18 yr old son, graduate from high School in June. It wasn' t going to be.

As my family says goodbye to such a wonderful, love and spirit filled woman, we each have gone over our special and privately owned memories of her. We have cried off and on all day. It's hard, and sad to say goodbye to a loved one. There's somthing harder when this person is young with so much to offer and who gives freely of herself.

What breaks my heart, and had me angry for a little while today, was thinking of my cousin, and his great love for his wife. Thinking of their kids, losing mom, long before we think we will deal with this. Her daughter has one more year of H.S. her son, on the brink of grauduation. Her husband distraught, after spending all of his adult years with this devoted woman.

They will have to go thru the grieving process, with all of it's rough and emotionally draining stages. They will now have to work out life in its day to day, painfully aware of the gaping hole in it, created by her death. Missing the simplest of exchanges, the subtlest of touches.

I have my private memories of lunches together, gossiping and catching up on the different branches of our family. Conspiratorially sharing a glass of wine together minutes before noon, giggling at our "wickedness." These memories are now mine. To keep alive in my heart and my mind, when I think of Kathy.

And now whats left, is the prayers going up for a family that has lost their wife and their mom. I lift my prayers for Jim, and the kids. That God will blanket them in comfort and in peace. And an assurance that they will one day be reunited.

PRAYER:

Dear Lord, Help us to lift our hearts and minds above despair and doubt, thru prayer. Thank you for Your gift of life. And the love that surrounds us, in the families that you gave us.
Amen.

Corporate Crap & Other Dubious Wisdom Review

2005-04-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying, I was intimidated on several different levels, doing this review. First, by the title of D. Brooks http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/ weblog. Corporate Crap & Dubious Wisdom brings to mind business articles, and wisdom suggests exactly what I did think. Here is an intellegent goodlooking man, who had spent decades in the business world, and was about to impart his wisdom to those reading his blog. And I wouldn't understand it, or get it, or would find it dry and statistical. Which brings us back to I wouldn't get it, so how would I review it?

And I was wrong on these assumptions. DB's Corporate Crap & other Dubious Wisdom is well written, interesting, and entertaining on as many different levels as I had been intimidated on. He imparts his wisdom on employment and economical matters that are comprehendable to the layman. Using examples, to illustrate his points. One post I enjoyed reading was Exiled at 50, where he gave financial advice that is not only useful to the baby boomer generation but to everyone. And encouraged all his readers to think about the issues facing workers today, compared to generations past.

DB's categories for his posts are Corporate, Humor, Friends, Dubious Wisdom, Crappola and Bullying. And the topics of his posts have a wide range, from the workplace, to how to answer the tough questions women pose to their men. This was funny, and maybe a little eye openeing as a woman who has asked, "Does this make my butt look too big?"

One of the qualities that stands out about his writing, is his ability to keep his posts down to earth, humorous on ocassion, informative and polished. DB acknowledges his commenters, and communicates a warm politeness in his responses.

On a personal note, he lives in Hawaii, and has gone back to college to pursue his advanced degree and "inflict all that hard earned wisdom on the youth of America." (His words) ;-)

One of the fun aspects of DB's weblog http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/ is his interaction with the beautiful Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com/ his significant other, who also keeps a fun and informative weblog. Besides being a striking intellegent couple, they both exude a warmth and a sense of fun that draws others to them.

DB is also one of the few men involved in the Malicious Bitch Club or MBC http://www.maliciousbitch.com/ as president of the club. I've been to MBC a few times, but not enough to be famalier with what they are all about. I do plan on looking in there further though.

In conclusion, I would highly recommend DB's Corporate Crap & other Dubious Wisdom http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/ to everyone. He's informative without being dry, entertaining with style, and interactive with his readers/commenters, which always wins points in my book!

And he completed the best of the bestest of Meme's, which makes him open, and willing to just play! Thank you DB for allowing me to review your blog.

Ending Season & Week-end Recaps.

2005-04-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Our hot AZ days are coming quickly! My kids christened the pool sunday all day. Although I think they are more then a month premature. (It feels like a great big giant glass of ice water, that is full of ice cubes.) Although it looks inviting and beautiful, it would chill me to the bone. They had a great time playing in it. We bar-b-qued and had my son and his girlfriend over too.

Saturday night, the X babysat a few hours for me, as we had to go to the Child Crisis Center benefit at Gainey Ranch Resort in Scottsdale. Their theme (as I think it is every year) is A Night in the Tropics. Dress is accordingly.

I didn't really feel up to the whole routine of make-up, hair, and dressing up. But I'm glad I went. It is for a wonderful cause, and I enjoy the people watching. They usually have a silent auction, for which I warned the hubby and prepared myself. The Tempe Governors Ball silent auction cost us a small fortune, when he went a little crazy bidding, and yes I did my share on a couple of items.

We were both good. When we would come upon jewelry, and he'd ask if I liked it, my reply was always NO. That wasn't easy for me, but necessary. He bid ONCE on one item, a two night stay at one of the resorts with a champagne breakfast. As far as I know, we were outbid, and didn't win. This IS a good thing.

They also have raffle ticket purchases, usually for trips, or jewelry. We usually pick up a few of those, although have never won anything. (But that's tax deductable!;-) The dinner at this event, in my opinion is/was sub par, but then again we are talking about charity. The interesting thing about dining this year, was that we were seated, at the channel 12 table. I don't watch channel 12 news, but had seen the commercials, so I at least knew who Lin Sue Cooney and Mark Curtis were, when they introduced themselves to us.

When we sat down, I was comfortable, and admittedly slightly bored. I remember looking around the table, and thinking how all the woman at our table were so pretty and their make-up perfect. (I know, shallow thought, but hey, we all have them from time to time) This was before finding out that we were at channel 12's table. Then it made perfect sense. I wanna be on TV! So I can have perfect make-up! That was the interesting part of the evening. With my neck in the shape it was in, we couldn't dance, so we did end up cutting it short.

I won't talk about the conversations I eavesdropped on, as much as I would like to. I don't want to invade these (semi?) celebrities' privacy. Overall they all seemed like very nice people. Even if sitting in their presence made me feel nervous, and like I didn't belong there. I think I introduced myself (mumbling nervously) as "Kevin's wife, Tamber". I know, not exactly a woman of the milleneum, more like of the 50's. Eh. I can live with it.

Lat week-end we went to a party JUST for the parties sake, and to be with good friends! And we both had a blast! Shelly, one of "my homegirls" and her significant other, thru a costume 1800's, western, murder mystery dinner party.

And the costumes were great! We each had a role to play, that we had gotten with the invitation, and there were 5 scenes, that we would read as we went. When everyone talked, it was in character. After a few champagnes, it was even funnier! Neither I, nor Kevin ended up being the murderer. That ended up being Shelly, the madam of the local whore house.

My role was Helena Handcart. (Hell in a handcart, hehehehe) The matriarch of the handcart Cattle ranch. Who had just buried my 13 sons, who were killed in a shootout. Kevin was Elias Truist Heath (or He lieth thru his teeth) The up-and-coming heartthrob gunfighter. We all got into our roles, and had a great time! I got a few pics. I'll post eventually, whenever I get my shit together, and get them to Rachel.

It was a lot of fun, and I thank Shelly and Will for inviting us! You can buy these murder mystery theme dinner party games at the different game stores you see in malls. I think they are called Game Daze, or somthing like that. My next dinner party I would like to do one of those. I'm looking at either the Rockstar one or the Roaring 20's. Both sound like they would be fun! And can be ordered at http://howtohost.fanhq.com which is part of www.decipher.com

I love playing dress-up. Halloween is an honored tradition in our home. Even for myself and the hubby. Who has LEARNED to enjoy dressing up. (He doesn't have a choice) LOL Costumes are adults way to be kids again, and I'm never giving it up! This last years Halloween party, my costume won! And yes I was very proud, and happy over it! I went as the maid from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and pulled it off to a tee, if I do say so myself. (I should have, I spent hours on the make-up and assembling the costume.)

This Wednesday we are going to the opening of the new Mesa Arts Center. (champagne! my favorite!) But as the hot weather sets in, the different charity events, openings and happenings will come to an end for another season. I love going to them as I see it as another opportunity to play dress-up. And the charity events, are always for good causes. (ie; hospitals, shelters, child crisis centers, etc.)

But as the snowbirds head home, the waits for resturaunt seatings go down. The time spent on the roads, on freeways also goes down. And the pool opens for use. And I'm looking forward to a nice even tan. (skin cancer be damned) My motto; everything in moderation. Including laying out for that sun kissed look. ;-)

Completed Meme's and Narcotic Ramblings

2005-04-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have a list of four more, who have completed the best of the bestest Meme's! (So dubbed by Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com/ ) You can go to http://www.sassybrat.net/ Sassy's blog to see it completed. As well as Jade at Jaded Sunburns http://azjade.com/ and Hannahs Vow (r.h.s.) at http://www.hannahsvow.com/ and DB at http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/
I will be completing blog reviews of these four in the next two weeks!

I won't be able to before then, thanks to a little procedure I had done on my neck yesterday,called Denervation, which will cut off the nerve endings and give me relief to my pain. So it's a good thing! But I have to get thru the recupe period which is more painful then the orginal pain, for a few weeks.

NARCOTIC RAMBLINGS
(warning) This probably won't make a helluva lot of sense. I am allowing myself a post of philosophcial rambling, and narcotic driven thoughts. Knowing full well, that I will probably cringe, the next time I read this.

I always imagined getting old or getting older would be a graceful, peaceful phase. I now believe this to be bullshit! Getting old, or older is not for the weak. Usually there is a portion of getting older that deals with pay up time. Paying for the sins of our youth, in the form of our bodies breaking down here and there. In my case, that happens to be my neck.

Headbangers beware! You will pay for your complete lack of control at concerts. Headbanging is constant whiplash! YOU WILL PAY FOR IT. So as not to incrimate myself too much, that is all I'm saying on this subject.

We pay for our choices. In my case, it would be my first choice in husbands. A magnetic very handsome and charming man. Going out to party in the 80's usually mean't I would lose my "husband" (and I use this term loosely) to the stage. Where he would play harmonica riffs that scalded the harmonica. His hero was Paul Butterfield, who Kevin #1 aspired to play like. People loved him, he was outgoing, witty,charming, talented, and a binge drinker, who once was behind closed doors enjoyed beating the shit outta the woman in his life. In my case, that was two years worth of playing human punching bag. But he was always sorry! *rolling the eyes* With the morning stiffness that sets in every morning, I'm reminded of this poor choice in husbands. I do cut myself some slack on this choice. I was only nineteen, this mistake was/is blamed on my youth. But the aftereffects live on in my neck and back.

Enter late 80's, and a short stint of fascination with a certain illegal substance, mixed with vodka screwdrivers. You could dance all night! And I did. Six nights a week. Usually where ever my married boyfriend (the drummer) was playing. I learned the Portland/Vancouver area, by learning the various bars/nightclubs locations. More headbanging, and drunken rowdy drummer sex. No real sleep, I did work for a living, managing a maternity clothing store by day. My inablilty to function now with anything less then 6 and half hours sleep, always reminds me of these times where I slept usually less then 4 hours per night. And wonder at the mystery of how the hell I got home in one peice, and w/o incurring any DUI's. (That I chalk up to wearing out and retiring at least 3 guardian angels from God) Boy do I owe Him big time!

We pay for the sins of our youth. Or, what goes around comes around. One way or another. I don't look at any medical/neck problems and think of myself as a victim. I sigh, think just how lucky I am that I'm paying in what I would have to consider as small ways. We have a forgiving God, I believe this. But he cannot protect us from ourselves. And the choices we make, have consequences.

So here I am trying to function, and be there for three beautiful children, and a husband worthy of the best of the bestest of wives. And what they are receiving from me, is less then they deserve. The real kicker, the way each of them looks at me with love in their eyes, attending to MY needs, brought on by the sins of my youth.

Damn I'm lucky. I feel very fortunate, when I think back to my reckless behavior. At a time, where the last thought in my head was consequences. I look around at the many blessings in my life. A wonderful family, even an X husband, who would have every right to hate me until the day he or I died. But we're friends. And we work together to raise these kids.

There really is Grace, in turning your life and your family over to a loving God. There are consequences to our actions, as I pop another percocet, and 600 mg of ibuporfen to get thru another day of kids, meals and laundry. And I thank God that this is the only price (at the moment) that I'm paying, for the sins of my youth.

I take comfort and joy in our daily routines. I try and protect the boundaries of our home and family. To make this a place of refuge from work/school/mean people, for my husband and children. And always keeping in mind, how lucky I am to be in this place, in life.

Prayer:
Lord, please calm us and slow our hurried pace so we may better perform the responsibilities you have set before us. Thank you for watching over us. Amen.

House of Crap Sucked into the Meme!!! (hehehehe)

2005-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Priss from the web log, House of Crap http://www.prissed.com/ was sucked into completing the bestest of the best Meme's, who for me, originated from the magnetic Rachel at Bitchalicious http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/ Then the beautiful Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com took the torch (albeit, outta pity for me;-) and completed the Meme. For more generational history, I refer you once again to Bitchalicious at http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/

One more side note; Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com then subtly pulled in DB from http://dbrooks.bfpmedia.com/ who's weblog Corporate Crap And Other Dubious Wisdom now displays the bestest of the best Meme's of ALL TIMES, RIGHT NOW. GO SEE! Which means I will be reviewing his blog next.

Priss had displayed the meme with her wise, humorous, and a little snarky answers last night. Right before she damned both myself and Bitchatude http://btude.bfpmedia.com !!! So now I have the pleasure of reviewing, for your reading pleasure The House of Crap, by Priss. http://www.prissed.com/

I started reading the House of Crap in depth this morning. She had already been bookmarked, so I have been visiting her site for the last few weeks. But this morning, I started reading in earnest. And read, and read, and read! I couldn't stop, once I started.

Priss is a web designer, who has designed several eye catching sites! Including one of my favorites Jades Sunburns at http://azjade.com/ You can check out a few of her designs from her page that shows an offer for site design. Click on that and she has a list of sites she has recently completed.

What she has displayed at the top of her page, is this cute cat, perched over a toilet seat. With her name House of Crap, then a sub title, "Because you deserve more than quality...You desrve crap. I, of course spotted the brilliance in this. As I'm sure all her readers have. (Excluding any lurking trolls)

Priss has many different pages for you to check out. I read a few of her categories, and went to those that sounded interesting to me. Of course the first category that caught my eye was one titled Fuck a Doodle Doo. Another one was Kill Me Now. I found Priss' writing to be humorous, sarcastic, snarky, and completly lovable!

Priss rants in her blog about issues that are interesting, and original. She is opinionated, and pulls no punches about things that irritate her. She finds the humor in these situations and delivers it with a good dose of sarcasm. From lousy parenting, that leads to unruly rugrats, and all their irritating qualities, as far as what adults endure in public along side the little aliens. Oops! I mean adorable cherubs. Yes, this was one of my favorites! To punctuation, and grammar.

House of Crap http://www.prissed.com/ has a photo album. Priss has a fairly extensive photo album w/photo's of her and Mr.Priss who also has a blog. And a gorgeous set of photo's done Fashion photo shoot style. She is extremly pretty and pulls it off wonderfully. You'll also find family photo's and events. LOVED the Halloween photo's!

Another page has information on how to work on your site. This would be very informative to readers who need instructions and know how to read them. I say this for one reason, I started reading and she was talking about "relative" somthing or other...and my mind went to relatives; as in family. (My computer and site knowledge is horribly impaired.) I may go check this out one day, when I'm feeling brave, and clear headed. (This wouldn't be on a "kids week" like now, with the 200 interruptions per paragraph that I manage to read.)

And now, for what I considered the most light hearted and fun, are her joke pages. One has different photo jokes, some of which have made the forward e-mail circles. Most I had not seen. One of my personal favorites, was An Extremely Happy Monkey! You'll have to go to her page http://www.prissed.com/ to find out which one it is. She also has a top 10 page. With several top 10 lists, that are sure to make the most humorless person at least chuckle. The humor varies in ratings from "R" to well, PG-13. Anything for a laugh, is my motto. And her site subscribes to that.

Priss writes with a snarky, sarcastic humor that takes a unique person to be able to pull it off. Being able to write in this style, and still come across as warm, and not condescending is rare. Priss succeeds in doing this.

On a side note, if you are easily offended, take written opinions too personally, you may have a problem with Priss. On the upside, she enjoys your visits too! ;-)

I highly recommend visiting Priss at the House of Crap http://www.prissed.com/ She was a bookmarked favorite, but after digging a little deeper into her site, she is now a daily read! (No pressure Priss for daily posts, I still have much more to investigate and left to read.)

I loved reviewing House of Crap by Priss http://www.prissed.com/ ! I think anyone who visits her, will want to link to her site!

Thank you Priss http://www.prissed.com/ for answering the bestest of the best Meme's. And for allowing me to review your site! ;-)

Bitchatude Answers the Call for Meme!!!

2005-04-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

And does it with finesse, humor, style and brains! And her answers are fantastic and show that she is an interesting and fun person. To read a completely engaging blog, that has all of the above, all need to go to
http://btude.bfpmedia.com otherwise known as Bitchatude.

She lives in the gloriously beautiful state of Hawaii. Which is fitting, as she also happens to be beautiful! Bitchatude is open, and honest in her posts. Shares what she is struggling with, and sees the humor in it.

Highly intellegent, she tells us what she is studying in college, and appeals to her readers on various projects she is working on as well. The photo's she takes, and shares on her site, are professional in quality, and are winning awards as well.

Bitchatude at http://btude.bfpmedia.com falls under several categories of what type of blog it is. She is a mother, who talks about her kids and some of the struggles of being mom. Which puts her in the "mom blog" category.

Bitchatude is a student in college, which puts her in the "College blog" category. She shares about her relationship with DB at http://enjoy.bfpmedia.com/ which would appeal to those of us who write about our husbands/boyfriends and relationships. As well as the interesting things they do together.

Bitchatude is involved in the Malicious Bitch Club a.k.a. MBC at http://www.maliciousbitch.com as is DB who is President at Malicious Bitch, one of the lone males on board at MBC. Which I believe makes them a very interesting, and intriguing couple. This also puts Bitchatude in the Shameless Proud Bitch category. When she has a bitch to communicate, she does so with style, and with humor. So then add humorous to one of her categories.

Bitchatude's site http://btude.bfpmedia.com will appeal to a humungous range of readers, regardless of what type of blogs appeal to you.

In conclusion, Bitchatude answered my requests for a meme, which sends most bloggers scattering in other directions. This also makes her compassionate! ;-) Thank you Btude! And by answering the meme, I got to know more interesting, fun things about her! (it really is a good meme)

So go check out http://btude.bfpmedia.com Bitchatude's answers to the meme, and learn more about her. Feel free to answer them on your own blog, let me know, and I'll study your blog, like it was my homework assignment, and send those who read my site over to learn about you!

This meme, for me, came from Bitchalicious'es site http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/
For more generational information on this meme, go to her site! (Another righteous bitch!;-)

Have a great day! And once again, thank you Bitchatude for answering my pleas;-)

Pimpin' We Will Go (April)

2005-04-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

It's time for a list of some of my favorite sites to read. And this months are great!

On a side note, I now know how to make my readers run in the opposite direction from this blog. Post a Meme. LOL Point taken.

In other news, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH BLOGGER!!!??? Last night I lost one of my unusually long windy two hour posts into oblivion!(That was sarcasm btw. They are usually ALL verbose.) With that, I gave up, and went to bed. This morning, I wasn't able to get into the blogger dashboard from that link. In order to get where I'm at now, I had to click on want a blog of your own, and then sneek in a back door. It will be a miracle I think if this manages to post.

Well down to business here. One of my favorite new blogs is Rich at CrackheadLogic http://www.crackheadlogic.com/ His posts deal with some of AZ's current events, his life here in AZ, the computer games that he loves playing, and books he's read. This is not al inclusive by any means. I enjoy regularly reading his posts. And find his anger at the AZ Republic for not reporting the facts, entertaining. Rich is very social, and will usually answer or address comments left with his posts. Rich is married to a VERY talented artist, Deena. Who has a site of her own displaying her artwork. He has a link to her site on his as well. Deena's site is at http://www.Deenaduncan.com/ Go see Rich and say Hello!

Another blog, special to my heart, because he makes me laugh consistently! He also seems like an all around great guy! The monkey always seems to think of things that are halarious. I have hinted to him, he should be a stand-up comedian. Check him out at http://monkeycage.blogspot.com/ His humor could be construed as a little bit PG-13 rated, but most of the humor I like, would be PG-13 and R anyway. You might want to keep your pre-teens outta his site. Although some of it would go right over the heads. One of my faves on his site, is his Grouphugs of the day, with his commentary. You'll laugh, I did.

One of the gals in the blog world, that I love checking out is Dawn the Webmiztris! She has great writing, original topics, done with humor, and that sarcastic edge to it that is so endearing! I would want her as a friend, in the "real world!" Also very pretty, as you'll see when you go to her site! She acknowledges those who comment on her site, bloggers who do this, ALWAYS have my respect, and earns an overall good person rating in my book. You can find Dawn aka; The Webmiztris at Tiny Voices In My Head. http://webmiztris.diaryland.com/ She makes listening to those voices in our head, tres chic!

Those are my special picks of the month!

On another note, one of my favorite picks for March Jaded Sunburns is up for King of the Blogs. I am not sure if today is the last day to vote for her, but I know she deserves it! She has a wonderful site! And the reigning king of the blogs, has been in that slot for two weeks now, I do believe it's Jades turn! So go to http://kingofblogs.mu.nu/archives/074068.php and vote for Jade today! On a side not, you can vote every 3 hours for her! We need to catch her up, and help her take the lead. Go Jade! Also if you didn't check out her site in March, here is her link to check it out today. http://azjade.com/

Hope everyone has a great week-end!

Meme, Taken from Bitchalicious

2005-04-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

I took this meme off of Rachel's blog site at www.bitchalicious.com/blog I hope I copied that right. And she took it from someone else. For the generational history that goes back 3 more times, go to Rachel's site, which is also listed at the bottom of this post.

These are fun! easy posts ;-)

What time is it? 11:30 AM

Piercing: Just my ears.

Eye color: Depending on what I wear, blue or green.

Place of birth: Bakersfield, CA

Favorite food: Bruno's pizza, located in Longview WA (ONLY Bruno's)

Ever been to Africa? No

Favorite clothing? at home would be sweats, a.k.a. scrubs. Going into public: summer dresses

Ever been toilet papering? Of course!

Have you ever had a speeding ticket? Not one. They don't give speeding tickets, to granny drivers.

Been in a car accident? Yes. Kevin #1 (also known as husband #1) rear-ended someone, in MY car of course.

Croutons or bacon bits? Both.

Favorite day of the week: Fridays

Favorite restaurant: Anthony's in Olympia WA (Best creme' brulee I have ever had!)

Favorite flower: Roses, ALL colors

Favorite sport to watch: Does hotel room pay-per-view pornography count as a sport?

Favorite drink: Cosmopolitan (champagne a close 2nd) non-alcaholic Cran-apple juice, and coffee of course!

Favorite ice cream: Rocky Road

Disney or Warner Bros? Warner Bros.

Favorite fast food restaurant: Jack in the Box, but only for the breakfast Crouissant Supreme.

what Color is your bedroom carpet? bleh. Ugly brown tones in the hideous 80's pile carpeting.

How many times did you fail your driver’s test? I didn't, passed the first time around.

Before this email, who was the last person you got an email from? My adorable husband.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit cards at? Home Depot

Favorite perfume: I have two faves, Design and Intuition

What do you do most often when you are bored? Serf Blogs of course!

Bedtime? Normally 10:00 PM Lately, more like midnight or 1:00 AM

Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? Your guess is as good as mine...

Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Same as above...

Favorite TV show: Oh geeze! I have a few. AI- for the family hour. Nip Tuck- pure trashy delight! Desparate Housewives, thos girls are lovable! And I would have to agree with Rachel, the newest to the list is- House. There's just somthing bout that doc....

Last person you went out to dinner with: My husband, and my g/f from WA Delta.

Favorite Place: My backyard patio. My place of serenity, and beauty. With 8 beautiful rose bushes in view, and the hum of the swimming pool filter.

What are you listening to right now? Gretchen Wilson

What is your favorite color? Oh crap, again more then one fave. Turqoiuse, lavender, and a soft bright blue.

Lake, Ocean or river? Always the Ocean

How many tattoos do you have? I have one large one, high up on my right ass cheek of a blooming red rose.

Time you finished this e-mail? 12:03 PM

Have you ever run out of gas? Never, I always plan for the unexpected.

Scrambled or fried eggs? Poached, and served in Egss Benedict (w/a mimosa too) ;-)

What is the last book you read? It has been a few months.... It would have to be A Round Heeled Woman. The tales of a post menopausal woman, in search of some good sex, via the NY personals. Or was it The 5 people you meet in Heaven. Both were great! Wait, and then there was a sorta documentary called Nickel and Dimed, about a journalist who went under cover, to see if she could survive only on the wages made as one of the "working poor." Very eye opening.
_____________________________

OK, I wanna see someone who reads my site, pick this one up, and answer it. Of all of these running around, I really like this one. Great questions, that give you a little insight into the person who answers it.

Be sure to let me know you've answered it, and I'll post to send others to your site!

Thanks Rachel for e-mailing this one to me! :-)
mailto:rachel@scramsam.comwww.bitchalicious.com/blog www.bitchalicious.com/blog

This Sucks

2005-04-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Revenue Department spokesman Steve Kniley says, at the end of August somechanges will be made to pep up Powerball sales:"Powerball will now have the largest opening jackpot in American lotteryhistory, at $15 million. And the jackpots will also increase faster.Theyâ€™ll increase in at least five-million-dollar increments."And, of course, it will also be harder to win the big jackpot. As of lateAugust, two white ball numbers will be added, with players picking fivefrom a pool of 55. The pool of Powerball numbers will not change.The changes will diminish the odds of winning the big jackpot from about 1in 120 million, to about 1 in 417 million.Get headline news all day on Arizona's Home Page, http://www.azcentral.com

OK, maybe the chances of winning to begin with were tantamount to a snowballs chance of survival in Hell. But it is always out there, sitting there, just waiting to be won. By me? Possibly, I've always bought tickets. Ya never know, someone eventually wins. But now, they are going to take our minuscule chances, and it make it almost triple the times harder to win.

This really does interfere with my get rich fantasy. Bastards!

Renaissance Tradition

2005-04-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

"Could you make my boobs 3 times their normal size please?" Was the first thing outta of my mouth, when we stepped into the little booth of the caricature artist. His response was, "Absolutely no problem. Art surgery, is my specialty." And my husband and I had a good time sitting there, while he drew our caricature. Even the rugrats, were fairly well behaved. Tayler actually was an angel as usual, Satan's Spawn (aka; Riley) did pretty good, although his quiet critique of the artist's efforts may have irritated our artist.

It has become our tradition to go to the Renaissance Festival http://emol.org/azrenfest/ once a year. This year was our fourth year, and we always have the best time there! There is so much to see and do there, that no two experiences there are ever the same. This year was no exception.

Kevin and I took my two youngest kids Tayler and Riley. We end up usually sort of splitting up, as the entertainment that Riley loves the best, are anything to do with weapons and violence.(and yes that does concern me) And there is plenty of it there! Tayler and I usually wander off to look at the many booths, while Riley goes from the paint guns to the arch bows, to the paint guns, and so on and so on, and so on. (In other words I can't remember the many weaponry games available to him, but there were tons of them!)

Tayler and I decided to have a Renaissance photo taken, and surprisingly enough, it turned out wonderful. The kids did the bungee jumping trampoline 4 times eacc, as well as the rock climb wall. Tayler beat her brother on that, and went all the way to the top. Riley got tired 2/3's of the way up though, and came down, much to Tayler's glee.

I will put our Renaissance photo's on my photo blog, as soon as I get them developed and off to Rachel at Bitchalicious.

Lunch is usually either steak on a stick, turkey legs, and Riley's favorite mac and cheese on a stick. Or as I'm fond of calling it, heart attack on a stick. Mac and cheese is clumped together, breaded and deep fried, for one big ol' pile of grease. Yes, I let him have it. One time a year shouldn't clog his arteries just yet. As he is the youngest and only one of my kids who would consider eating that mess, I cut him slack on Ren Fest day.

We had a wonderful time, and I recommend that anyone who lives in AZ try it at least once. I didn't think I would like it, and allowed Kevin to talk me into it. Since then I am more excited then the kids for this time of year. It is also a wonderful opportunity to bond with the kids and as a family, and yet the parents still have a lot of fun!

If you're ever coming to AZ, I would choose March (middle March) so you can be a part of this wonderful Festival. It made for a great day, and wonderful week-end with the kids!

Blogger Withdrawals!

2005-04-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

Taking the kids to the Rennaisance Festival for the day! Beautiful day to do it. We go every year, but it's going to be hard to not get to blog, or peek here and there thru out the day!:-(

Like to take lot's of pics at the Festival, so that will keep me occupied. Wanna have my fortune read too. (Don't necessarily believe any of it, but it's fun)

I'll be back to read my faves, tonight!:-)

Limited Time & Choices

2005-04-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

I just want to say, that my zeal for blogging has not waned in the least, contrary to the lack of posts might indicate. During "kids week" my time is far more limited. Because I do not have my children full time it becomes more important to spend MORE time with them, when I do.

Another factor has been my Physical Therapy 3 times a week, and then the endless procedures on my neck. Which I had one this morning, at 7:00 AM. With one more, major one where they wil deaden some nerves in my neck area in two weeks. Besides the practical side of treatment, the pain keeps me from sitting too many hours in a row at the desk.

So then comes the choices, do I read and catch up on all my favorite blogs? Or do I post. Well posting has lost out, more times then not in this area. As I continue to read the many favorites I have, I feel compelled to catch up on them. I feel like I know these people. (Am I losing my sanity feeling this way??? LOL)

Also, part of me is holding my breath, until the great web designer Rachel at Bitchalicious, presents me with my new design. Obsessed over this? Quite possibly. Why? I don't really care.
I'm excited, and I like that.

My Knight in Shining Armour aka; my husband also encourages me, and supports my new hobby. Which just adds more feel good all over feelings to dabbling in blogging. The only problem, is managing my time efficiently, and respoinsibly, so he will continue to exhort me.

On that note, I want to share his latest e-mail (aka; love letter) to me. It touched me deeply. And seeing how I whined on my blog, when we had a lousy week-end, I thought it only right to share the good stuff!

For a little background, he lost his father a week ago. And he is working thru his grief. Very healthily I might add. Remembering the good times, and coming to peace with his father's life, and death.
As well as trying to work thru feelings about a few of his siblings.

Subject :
my salvation

Inbox
Dearest:
I have to tell you something: My sister's chat in some ways greatly
disturbed me, mainly because of what she told me about my two whacked
sisters. I started thinking last night about Marlene, wondering how someone
who once had such a good heart could have veered off into this state of
craziness, rage and hatred. I spent the rest of the time you and I had last
evening fighting off these thoughts. I was partly sorry for her, but far
far more than that was just trying to figure it out. Yes, I guess there
were some major, easily identifiable turning points, Y's in the road that I
can see as clear as day. Yet, what influenced her to take the wrong fork in
that road mystifies and saddens me. Jenny in some ways is a different
story. I think she made her choices so long ago that she probably can't
remember making them.
But that's not the real reason I mention Marlene here. Because the more I
thought of this mystery yesterday and this morning, the more I marveled at
God for bringing you into my life. I thought to myself how I could have
made mistakes after moving to Arizona, because I was on the verge of bad
behavior when you miraculously appeared in my life. It was as if God
stretched a long arm and plucked me from a path of self-destructive
behavior with women, drink, and whatever. A path that would quickly have
led to an empty, meaningless existence where I would have neither
rediscovered my faith nor had much to live for, where maybe I would have
continued to allow myself to be sucked in to the melodrama of my family
just because I thought I was "helping" and that somehow was finding meaning
in my life.
But instead of coming home to an empty house, I come home to you. Instead
of pursuing one woman after another in some stupid, desperate effort to
find my reckless youth or chase aging away, I have a wife to love and
family to invest my energies into. Instead of looking into life's meaning
and finding no answers, I now see God working his wondrous ways in both our
lives.
And so, whether you like to admit it or not, Tamber, you have been my
salvation. And because I recognize that, I cherish everything about you.
It's why I don't care if you don't like housework or making dinner. It's
just not important to me.
What is important is that I be a good, faithful, honest and open husband in
every way to you, and that you know that.
And so I look at today, as I do each day, as another opportunity to show
you that:
I love you, my bride,
with all my heart.

I truly love my husband's writing, and his way of being able to open up and articulate his feelings, and his thoughts. Since it is such a big part of my life, I decided, that when one of his letters evoke great emotions in me, I'm going to post it here, where I can pull them up any time I want to.

The daily grind of day to day life, can easily erode the romance and love that brought two people together. Kevin's letters are always a reminder of that romance and love. It's a few quiet moments for him, while he's writing them, and for me, while I'm reading them, to reflect on our romance. Not just our partnership in the grind of day to day life. I do respond to his letter's as well. But as I am not as talented with words as he is, they are a far cry from his poetic paragraphs. At any rate, here was my inept response.

Your e-mail today, left me speechless. Speechless and humbled. You deserve a wife who turns your home into an orderly haven. Who makes your every meal with the love and tenderness she feels. I feel this, and I want this, but my discipline at times is so lacking (much like my youngest)
I want you to know though, that I do feel all the things for you, that you feel for me. You are my salvation, and the meaning to my life. You are my better half.
And I love you with all my heart and soul my husband!

P - T - Q

Prayer : Dear Lord, please grant us the strength to overcome our weaknesses.. And thank you for helping us meet this day with serenity and calmness. Amen.

Thought : "Life is denied by lack of attention, whether it be to cleaning windows or trying to write a masterpiece." -Nadia Boulanger, French music teacher (1887-1979)

Quip : "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner

I hope everyone's week-end is a good one!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2005-03-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

I got this today from a website that sends me an e-mail called The Mouthpeice. I thought it was cute, and it made me chuckle, so here it is. I'm off to do all the errands I have let build up, because I was too busy reading everyone's blogs. That's much more fun, then daily life errands!

And the weather outside has improved drastically, as has my mood with it.

By the way, Will's (AGE 7) is my favorite comment. He is the last one.

[m] b i t s . n . b o b s CHILDREN'S DEFINITIONS OF MARRAIGE

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." -Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." Bert AGE 5

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." -Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7 ____________________________________________________________

Just Another Manic Monday

2005-03-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

Said with sarcasm. Manic, probably does not define it. More like Monday blahs. Geeze I don't like mondays! I don't work outside the home, and still I don't like them. Some are better then others, this one sucks. What monday represents is a work week, even for stay at home moms. I won't get into the mudane aspects, and not because of what you might think. My husband handles a lot of the laundry. OK, MOST of the laundry. It just never has sit very high on my list.

When we were dating, and I was working fulltime, this got even worse. He came over to find me in a depressed heap, staring at a good 15 loads of laundry, wondering how in the hell it got so bad, and why hadn't I seen it coming. Hubby tells it, that this was indeed the one time he wondered what he was letting himself in for, hooking up with the mother of 3 children. The oldest still living at home at the time.

Anyway, back to the depressed heap that was me. He had called, and I had made it abundantly clear, that seeing him was outta the question, the laundry was over running the apartment, and threatening to become a health hazard if I didn't address this problem immediately. I knew damn well that I would not work at it during the work week. He being the aggressive take charge man that he is, said it wasn't a big deal, he would help catch me up. My best friend at the apts. also came over, seeing the state of things, she too said she would help. There are times when I definitely bring out the co-dependent in friends and lovers, and usually housework and laundry are tied to it somehow.

Rox immediately went to work cleaning my kitchen. Kevin looked at the laundry in stunned shock, recovered quickly, and initiated poker face mode. He decided that we would load up ALL loads and take them to a luandry mat, where they could be whipped out in no time. Rox kept working on my apartment, and Kevin decided we would take my kids and Rox's with US. With loaded down laundry baskets, and bags of hangars and 4 kids in tow, we were off.

I am a hipocrite of the worse kind. Had I been dating a man with kids, well, other then casual dating, and walked in on this scene, I would have ran for cover, and never looked back! Not that this would happen, since I had decided I would not get serious with a man who had children. I know, how hypocritical can I be, right? I have great admiration for families that come together, with his and hers in the way of offspring. The melding of so many different family values and priorities, just seems like an impossible mountain to climb. I know other families do this, and my hats off to them. I just knew I didn't have that kind of strength, or stamina, OR energy to try and make that work.

Well laundry took us approximately 4 hours to wash, dry, fold and hang, and then reload into the family minivan. By then all 4 kids were starved as well as boyfriend and myself. (Some date huh!? lol) We ate outside, at Sonic, with the skies grey and sprinkling. I think my now- husband remembers this day with nightmares. As ever since, he doesn't even allow any time to elapse, before constantly throwing laundry into the washer. And always remembering to put it into the dryer. I get sidetracked so easily, that a lot of my problem is forgotten laundry. That, and outta sight outta mind mentality.

So when I address monday blahs, it usually has little to do with the mundane chores of laundry and sheet washing, etc. It has to do with getting everyone out the front door in the morning, and reflecting on the week-end. As well as looking around at the morning clutter, and trying to put it back into order.

This morning as I reflect on the week-end it is with disappontment. It had all the makings of a decent week-end. The week-end with just my spouse, as the kids were with their father. My husband and I have far more beautiful alone week-ends, always with some unexpected twists and turns, but good. This Easter week-end does not qualify by a longshot.

Friday he is usually beat up from a long work-week, and this one was no exception. We usually rent movies, scrounge for whatever for dinner, and just take it easy. Saturday we had planned out "date night". We always enjoy going to musicals or plays. While we were dating we had gone to the Gammage Theatre a few times. But in Mesa there is also a small theatre called the Broadway Palms. They had Guys and Dolls playing, so we got tickets, and planned an evening meal out.

We broke open a bottle of champagne before going, and of course drank the whole damn thing. Decided to have dinner after the fact, and just head over to the theatre. We got there a little early and sat up to the bar, where I had a Cosmo, and he had a pepsi. (He was driving.) The headache set in minutes after sitting down in the theatre. And then the sleepiness. And then the lead in the play had more of an operatic voice. In fact trying to sing in lower keys then opera, were less then successful. The headache got worse, I closed my eyes and tried tuning her (the lead singer) out. What I succeeded in doing was to doze off. Several times during the first acts. I kept my head turned away from my husband so he wouldn't know. But by intermission, I had had my fill, of Guys and Dolls done with an operatic lead, that I truly wanted to strangle silent.

We headed outside for a cigarette, and I thought I would fish to see if he was enjoying the performance. Thank God he was just as bored and tired and restless and hungry as I was. For the record, I do believe my ability to enjoy the theatre is directly related to my mood at the
time. She may very well have been considered talented, but if the mood isn't right, I'm not going to see it. We headed over to Charelstons for dinner. Another huge collasal disaster. I was in the mood for another prime rib. They had a few peices left, but they were medium rare. Way to pink for my tastes, but I chose it anyway. The garlic mash, tasted "funny" The salad dressing tasted off, and was almost warm, which always sends up red flags. The dinner overall wasn't even a close second to Houstons steak house. Which we had just had the previous week when Delta was visiting.

By the time we got home, I was fighting a massive headache, tinged with mild nausea, and just weak. This was also supposed to be a romance night. That, we both could see was not gonna be happening either.

Sunday, or Easter, was lackluster and flat. We didn't have the enthusiasm to even put an Easter dinner together. We took this beautiful ham, and made sandwiches out of it. Got into a bickering fight, that usually has me trying to run away. (hop in the car, and drive off) He cannot stand this, and will literally stand behind my vehicle, blocking my path, so I can go no where. My father has heard this before and laughed. He remembers a Tamber who would go into an uncontrollable rage, and would just as soon run over anyone who got in my way. (I've mellowed, or gotten older, or maybe I'm just too damn tired to fight like that anymore) He can't understand how a man who knows me and is married to me, would possibly take that kinda gamble.

At any rate Kevin will not allow me to run, and eventually we hash thru shit. And we did, and we settled in to watch a movie. This was with Annette Benning, called Being Julia. I enjoyed it, but it was a slower moving movie, which put Kevin to sleep fairly quickly. Soon there after the kids were back. So basically the week-end that gives my husband and I a chance to re-connect as lovers, didn't even resemble that. It was not from some lack of effort in trying to create it either.

I find when this happens, it will put me in a real funk. And so I am, and so here I sit. The skies here in AZ are grey and dreary, with the threatening look of rain in the sky. Guess this fits my mood. And still I haven't attempted to clean up from the morning.

We are two weeks away from the opportunity to replace the memory of our shitty week-end together, and that depresses me. My goal, my conscious goal was quite the opposite. It's times like these, that I do believe in the stars, and the cosmos. They either work for you, or against you.

My father, a wise man, and bus driver for intercity transit, has a different theory. He says that whenever you "brag" on your spouse to others, prepare to have what you've said contradicted with a huge blow out. This would be in line with things that I have posted of late. He is a wonderful man, but happily ever after, and no effort in making things wonderful, are just not a reality. At least not a reality for us.

Marraige is not all warm fuzzies, and romance. At times, it can be quite the opposite. I debated on whether to write the truth, and decided to. This is my journal after all, and I don't want it to reflect this idealistic fairytale. Even what I normally consider the best marraige in the world, has those days you just as soon forget. We had a few this week-end.

My Husbands Tribute to his Father

2005-03-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post my husband words, and thoughts about his dad. It ultimately was his loss, and pain, that Chet's passing has caused. My role, is and has been to be there for him, to listen when he wants to talk, to hug him when he needs comfort. I hope I am doing a decent job of it. But I cannot take away his grief.

My groom has always written me an e-mail, everyday that he works, since we started dating 4 years ago. (I am amazed at this, and love and cherish each and everyone of his words) A lot of the letters usually have to do with, whatever we may be dealing with at the time, or an upcoming Holiday, or guests coming to stay. So it made perfect sense to me, that he would chose his letter to me, to honor the memory of his father.

I am posting his letter that he sent to me. To keep it safe, and viewed here on a site that I spend a good deal of my time.

Subject :
in his honor

Inbox
Dearest:
I'm sitting at the dining room table, where I have been nearly 90 minutes,
wrestling with Excel sheets and thinking about my dad. It's funny, when I
was an altar boy and served mass at funerals, I would always gaze at the
coffin and think about my parents with dread as I prayed that I would never
see them in that box, at least not before I either was called to God or
maybe got older.
God heard me, I know, and gave me and them the gift of a long life. It
wasn't an easy one, but I guess God decided what they could bear and they
bore everything he threw at them with grace and strength and unshaken
faith. And so today is the official day that we will say goodbye to Chet,
gone but not forgotten.
I thought of all that he was as a man and marveled over God's creation,
God's sense of humor, the utter complexity with which he created man and
this man in particular.
I know that my sibs will be crying and acting like he was actually alive in
that box in a way, but I do hope they draw a lot of comfort and joy in
knowing he had been around for a long time and had given what he could to
all of us.
So as I write this to you, thinking of him, I will pray for this:
That I never be as cranky or bitter as he was at most times, but that I am
as hard working and loyal a husband as he also was.
That I never turn my attention so completely to the distractions of TV as
he often did, but that I be as attentive to my wife as he was in my mom's
later years.
That I not shout with anger at the injustices of life, but instead use the
talents he helped me develop through his support and discipline to do my
best to undo some of those injustices.
That I not weep for joy only at Christmas time as he did when all his
family was around, but instead marvel a nd even weep with joy every single
day when I think of all God has given me, especially the gift he gave me in
you.
That I not develop a sour attitude toward life because of the many
challenges he bore with shoulders straight and instead think of his
strength and his will to survive when God throws a curve ball at me.
That I, like him and my mom, never again forget my faith or store it on a
shelf and instead try to practice His Word during every waking moment.
That I always remember that he loved me and toiled endlessly as a young and
middle aged man to keep his family out of harm's way and that I do the same
with you and the kids.
And finally, I hope that as he joins my mom in eternity that he can look at
me, warts and all, and take pride in what he helped raise and draw comfort
in the fact that I have finally found, as he did in my mom, a woman to whom
I am bound for life--and whatever comes after that.
I love you, my bride
with all my heart.

What a man I married! I am amazed at my good fortune in finding him. And in God's amazing grace, at giving me happiness in this man I married. I have made tons of mistake over the years, I am not a model Christian, that religous churches would point at in pride. But He blessed me anyway.

This Holy of Holidays, I will take the time out to thank my Christ for all He did when He went to the cross to cover my sins! (And damn but there are a lot of them!) I will thank Him for bringing this most wonderful of men to head up my household, to love and help care for my, I mean OUR children. I pray God always gives me the strength to be the kind of wife this man deserves. This day that we call Easter, is the basis of Christianity. Without it, there would be no Christianity. He had to rise out of death to make it so. His message in life; To love one another. Christ's message is simple, He made it that children would understand it. It is men, who took His message, and made it their own tiny little government and empire. Man wrapped Christ's teachings and life up in technicalities, stipulations, and hoops to jump thru.

This Easter, I won't be attendng church. The Churches will be filled with honest people who love and honor their Christ. I might be dead wrong, but I cannot get past man turning His beautiful message, in what we know today as The Christian Church here in the United States.

If the Chrisitan Church brings Christ's believers true joy, and the love that He taught, it serves the purpose that it should. For myself, I pray to my God daily, I thank Him for His blessings often, and I try to show the love that Christ put into my heart, the day I consciously took Him as my Lord. I fail often, which is the reason that I need a Saviour. That we all need a Saviour.

Whatever your doing this holiest of holy Holidays, I wish you His peace, love and comfort in your lives. I pray that we all take a moment, to meditate on what He did when He willingly went to the cross for our sins. And rose from the grave 3 days later.

I wish everyone a happy and Blessed Easter.

Interview & Internet

2005-03-23T01:12:00.000-08:00

Go over to Rachel's site http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/ and learn a few more facts, and thoughts about her. Rachel agreed to let me interview her, and she has posted her answers! I want to thank her for allowng me to pry a little into her personal life, and work on my interviewing skills.(Even though I cheated by having my husband who was a reporter for well over two decades, help me with the questions.) She is also conducting interviews to those who say that want to be interviewed in her comments.

I have spent a good portion of the morning and the late evening doing nothing but reading blogs! It is truly addictive, and takes conscious effort for me to tear myself away, to complete tasks I am expected to complete. So in my effort to be more aware of my priorities, I have posted the Twelve Step Internet Recovery Program, for your reading pleasure. I took this off of an e-mail joke site called The Mouthpeice e-mail address ezine@gophercentral.com Some of these are far too famalier some days around here....

[m] b i t s . n . b o b s ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Inter- net. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! ____________________________________________________________
P - T - Q from the AZ Republic @ www.azcentral.com

Prayer : Dear Lord, Please give us the wisdom and guidance to live our lives with joy and fulfillment. Amen.

Thought : Kindness consists in loving people more then they deserve. - Joseph Joubert, French Moralist (1754-1824)

Quip : If gas gets anymore expensive, we deserve to know the vintage and smell the cork.

DAILY GRIND french roast mixed with to do list.
Well tomorrow I have to behave myself and get more things done around my household. Which means cutting out some blogging time in the morning and during the day. Kids go back with their dad tomorrow evening, which means I can stay up late, reading until my hearts content.

I want to try and make appts. for Kevin to get a massage, while I get a facial on Saturday. Hopefully I didn't wait too long to make an appt. for Saturday. I think a little pampering would do him some good right now. And might just put us both in the mood for some romancing. Which ultimately is the goal to begin with. It's our week-end without the kids, which usually turns our attention in this direction to begin with.

On the to do list, get birthday gifts mailed out to my father and mother. Theirs are only two weeks apart, which makes shipping a little easier anyway. Also I need to work on gathering up and labeling photo's for photo blog. Grocery shop, and go to post office.

Bedtime is whispering my name. Actually that's my husband. But as it is 2:45 AM; the bed is looking very seductive. Well, that's my husband too, except I think it's due to the fact that he's half asleep, not that he's feeling amorous. At any rate, g'nite;-)

Friendship & Grieving

2005-03-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

I have played catch-up today, and read a lot of my favorite blogs that I have missed while my girlfriend Delta was here for a visit. We had a wonderful time, catching up on each others lives, and running around. We did lots of shopping, at several different malls, and went out to Rawhide, a small touristy western town set up in Scottsdale. We also got an old time saloon girl photo done there. (Which I'll post in my photo blog eventually) Went out for a nice prime rib dinner at Houstons, dressed up in semi- formal evening attire. Somthing I think she enjoyed. As this is somthing we normally never did in the small redneck town we lived in, in WA state. It was a very special time, that I will treasure always.

Unfortunately, we also received some sad news during Delta's visit. Especially sad for my husband. His father passed away Friday night. Kevin's dad was 87, and had lost his wife to Alzheimers 4 years ago. Kevin and I have had many conversations about losing his mother, and in general losing ones parents. This in some ways did not come as a huge shock to Kevin, due to his father's age. But it was out of the blue. One night Kevin has his normal nightly call with his father, and the next he was lying in a hospital bed unconscious.

By Friday night, the DNR paperwork was in place, and they were ready to unplug the 7 machines that were working to keep Chet alive. The timing of his death coinciding with the story in the media right now, has had both my husband and I contemplating the nature of death, and what we would wish, should somthing happen to either of us unforseen.

The mercy I see that Chet provided for his eight children, was that he had his Do Not Resuscitate paperwork in order. Which spelled out exactly what his wishes were if he were to be incapacitated, and unable to express his wishes. This gift that Chet gave to his children, during their time of grief is unmeasurable, as we can see from the story that is playing out in the news.

My husband and his siblings are not, nor were they plagued by arguments of what to do for Chet, and what not to do. Without going into the gory details, between a massive stroke, and 2nd and 3rd degree burns, caused by falling in the shower, where he lay for over an hour, his chance for any quality of life in recovery were slim to nil. And basically he lay unresponsive in the hospital for 24 hours. But Chet had put his paperwork in order long before the unforseen happened.

Now my husband and his sibs can mourn the loss of their father, remember the wonderful things about him, without any guilt over what was done. No one made that decision but Chet.

My husband and I were up Friday night until 4:00 AM talking about his father, and his love and gratitude for all his father had done for him over the years. I hurt for my husband, and wanted so much to take this sadness away from him. And all I could do, was just be there and listen, and hold him. Grief is a part of life, we don't like it, but it is. In this case, Kevin sees the blessings in his father's long life. But he will miss him, and feel this ache for many months to come. I am just grateful that there was not any legal or famalial battles attached to this natural part of living and dying.

Rest in peace Chet. You left your legacy of 8 kids, who loved you dearly. And you are on to your heavenly rewards, joined by your wife, and one of your sons.

And for my part, I promise you Chet, and your wife Teresa, that I will take care of, and love your oldest son with all my heart. Doing all I can to bring joy, love, peace and comfort to his life until we both join you in Heaven.

And on that note, I urge everyone to either fill out a DNR and/or Living Will. The drama, the pain, confusion and grief, need not, and should not be played out in the courts of law, or within the government. These are personal decisions that should be handled long before they ever have a possiblity of being an issue.

I say a prayer of thanks, that Chet had had the wisdom to deal with this for his children.

Fun Quips on Moms and Dads

2005-03-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

I thought these were halarious, in my morbid sense of humor way. Not that I would actually use any of them, but the thought has crossed my mind....usually just after the end of my patience with the rugrats, has been used up! And the life blood of me sucked dry, by those little darlin's I call my children! God bless em! ;-)

I'm really gonna miss my computer and blogs this next 4 days..... I'm hopin' Delta wants to shower twice a day. Although this may be hoping for too much. (In my best melodramatic flair and style) I'm going to miss you, all my fellow bloggers! Don't forget me...... (I truly mean this by the way)

Vacations With Mother and Father.
BY DAVID CONNERLEY NAHM
- - - -
Ocean Isle, NC, Summer 1984
MOTHER: Don't you boys run down the hall like that. Someone could open a door, pull you in, and have your stomachs cut open before I even knew you were missing.
(My brother and I blink blankly.)
MOTHER: Let me tell you about Adam Walsh.
- - - -
Sunset Beach, NC, Summer 1982
FATHER: If you don't turn around and clean your plate, Norman Bates's mother will come. Right to that window behind you. No, don't turn around. You have to sit with your back to the window. Come on. Eggs only get worse the colder they get. Do you want some Worcestershire sauce on them?
- - - -
Iowa City, IA, Spring 1983
MOTHER: No, you can't go down to the pool by yourselves. Do you know who Charles Manson is?
(My brother and I try not to look at her.)
MOTHER: Let me tell you about Sharon Tate.
- - - -
Bowling Green, KY, 1981
ME: (Pointing to underside of mushroom.) What's that?
FATHER: Oh, that's how mushrooms eat people. They suck you through there and you get sliced up.
(I push the plate away.)
FATHER: No, no. Africans don't get to decide what pizza they will eat and what pizza they won't eat. Plus, mushrooms are poisonous if cold.
- - - -
Land Between the Lakes, KY, 1987
MOTHER: Boys, boys! Don't you get into the hot tub. Did you just see that man that got out? Those places on his skin—AIDS.
- - - -
Philadelphia, PA, 1985
FATHER: (Taking my arm.) I don't know what it is. It looks like the start of what the Elephant Man had. You remember when we watched that movie? You haven't been drinking milk, have you?
- - - -
Boston, MA, 1987
MOTHER: If you don't wear suntan lotion, your skin will rot off like that dog's that we saw by the side of the road.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1984
MOTHER: Say goodbye, children. Your father is leaving for a business trip.
ME: On Christmas Eve?
FATHER: That's right. Just a business trip. We are not getting divorced.
MOTHER: (Sigh.)
- - - -
Fort Meyers, FL, 1987
MOTHER: (To my stepfather.) Don't you realize that the children are going to have to deal with anti-Semitism their whole lives?
ME: (Interrupting.) I thought we were Presbyterian.
MOTHER: No, you're Jewish. At least as far as most people are concerned.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1982
FATHER: Here, I have a friend I want you to meet.
ME: It's dark.
FATHER: Just stick out your hand.
(I stick my hand out and take something in it. Father switches on the lights. It is a skeleton's hand that I am holding. My brother runs off down the hall.)
FATHER: Look, it's my friend Slim.
- - - -
London, KY, 1987
MOTHER: Boys, I don't want you all getting salad. Do you see that man getting the crouton? Let me tell you about his earring. You don't want those croutons. Trust me.
- - - -
Danville, KY, 1982
FATHER: Do you see anything in the water there?
ME: (Pointing at my brother.) Daddy!
FATHER: No, the Creature from the Black Lagoon has him now. We just have to try to go about our lives as best we can. Come on.

- - - -Vacations With Mother and Father By David Connerley Nahm

Amped Up & Neurotic

2005-03-16T00:37:00.000-08:00

It's 1:45 AM, and I have headed to bed a few different times, and not made it there. Picking up after two kids who are out on Spring Break, and expecting my girlfriend Delta, from WA state tomorrow! It's not tht I'm nervous, we have been friends for eons and ages. Neurotic would be a better word for it.

I did get her guestroom slash office cleaned up and ready for her to inhabit. Except for the perpetual mess that is always on the computer desk. Latest fashion catalog, ash tray,ink pens, cigarettes, coffee mug or a plastic red cup, you know the kind that used to always be at (and I know I'm spelling this wrong) Kegers!

Kegers being the term we used in the early 80's for beer parties, usually held in the boonies somewhere, where underage drinking did not present a problem. Not that I ever drank beer! Which my father has argued, disqualifies my redneck status. It was always wine. In the early days, it was Cella Lambrusco. That ended after one really BAD night of too much Cella Lambrusco. It is not half as appealing coming back up as it was going down. Then it was on to Vodka. Clean, clear Vodka. Anyway, where was I? The mess on the desk. Won't be cleaned up, until mid afternoon tomorrow. When I will be giving up my computer until monday morning.

This will cause some withdrawal symptoms. The computer, blog reading, it is part of my morning routine. It is my relaxing moments away from life. And I will be going without, until monday.

I know I will be busy visiting, and showing Delta around the desert. But still....no computer for over 4 days? Should be interesting. I will miss reading all my favorite blogs. Well, I should try and lay down again...the hubby just popped out wondering where I was, and offered to snuggle if I would come back to bed. Hard offer to refuse.

Interviews & Other Stuff

2005-03-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

I finally got Brat's http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ interview questions to her, to post on her blog, and answer. This from a game that trails around the blogs. I answered the questions from Sis at http://Dayatbeach.blogspot.com/ and she in turn answered interview questions from Andrea at http://andreaknapp.blogspot.com/ . and so on and so on and so on.... So you can check out Brat's thoughtful and intellegent answers to my thought provoking questions by going to her site. http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ But as I was preparing to write this, I was thinking that I wasn't quite satisfied with just interviewing ONE person. (Reporter wanna be? maybe) So I am asking readers who may unwittingly stumble onto this site, to put in the comment section, "OK, you can interview me, if you'll shut the hell up about it!" Make sure you leave behind an e-mail for me to send your 5 interview questions to. (a bonus one as well, if I can't make up my mind on just 5) You don't have to be brave, if it's too personal to answer, just e-mail me back, "That's too Ef-ing personal", with which # it was, and I'll send a replacement question. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. I wanna interview some more! And once I've sent you questions, you can paste onto your site with the answers. My goal? is to interview a total of 5
people.

Also, if someone out there from blogger knows the secret to un-doing the bold print, after you have used it for the just one or two words you wanted it for, please feel free to leave me a comment explaining HOW to turn the damn thing off.

Hey, it went off! I don't know how still, (hehehehehe, yes, I'm duly embarassed right now) so someone feel free to feel superior, and explain it to me:-)

I could very easily go into how the only way to learn new things, is to jump in there and try them. And that the only real failure is in not trying, but that might sound a wee bit defensive. And as I have already been told in my comments, that I am a tad over the edge, I'll refrain from sounding defensive. (I'm still not sure what a tad over the edge means, but I have been called worse)

Now for the P - T - Q (Prayer, thought and quip) Brought to you by The Arizona Repbulic, which can be accessed at www.azcentral.com

Prayer
Lord, let us remember to thank you at the close of each day for having watched over us, walked with us and helped us through our difficulties. Amen.

Thought
"Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion." -George Wilheim Friedrich Hegel, German philosopher (1770-1831)

Quip
Tact: the art of speaking your mind in such a way, that you're long gone by the time that they figure out what you mean't.

So be brave, and go to the comments, and ask me to interview you. I need four more to meet my goal. You will have done your good deed, for the day;-)

A Pimpin' we will go!

2005-03-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

I know, corny as hell title, but that is just a little of my personality shining thru! That, and many exclamation points. I used to think that was poor writing, but if you get to know me, that's how I talk too. With melodramtic exclamation points! And some would say, and have said, with many verbose banalities. This is how I am, even in verbal conversation. And this is, my diary, so to speak. So what one might mistake as poor writing with so many verbose bananlities, is truly part of me. Not for everyone, I am more then willing to acknowledge.

But I miss my point, even before I get started here. This post is specifically to share blogs I read, and love, and look forward to posts on a daily basis. To the point of checking their blogs compulsively, hoping for a new post. It's not ALL inclusive, just a few. (Which shows you how much time I have on my hands)

To start with, I seem to never be able to pimp a few new ones, without throwing in this one! The writing in this blog, in my opinion is beyond compare. His wide range of capabilities, his talented writing, never cease to amaze me. He is extremely funny, making me laugh often in one of his posts. And in the next, he could have me tearing up, choked up, and full of emotion. And in my opinion, this is what writing is all about. Brandon, at One Child Left Behind http://www.onechildleftbehind.com/blog.htm really is worth the read every single post! If you haven't checked him out yet, do! You're missing out.

Next, is one I call my "guilty pleasure."He is drop dead halarious!! His humor is: self deprecating, gross!, dirty, disgusting at times, full of obscenities, and HE has me laughing till my stomache hurts. This blog, NOT for the easily offended, or even those who find themselves on occasion MILDLY offended. But his writing is top notch, he tells a story you emerse yourself in, and he appeals to my dirty sense of humor almost every post. Jason, is worth reading, when you need a real sick laugh! http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/content/blog.php#325

Jade, now I love readng all her posts. She has a variety on her site. She shares openly about her life, and her family. As well as having a photo album, to put faces to her players on her blog. She has fun informative posts. She is someone I would actually like to meet, and share a lunch with on occasion. She is also getting married today, and I wish her the absolute best, that married life has to offer. Considers herself a redneck, and a bitch, which leaves me feeling an affinity with her. And I know other bitches out there, know what I'm sayin'. http://azjade.com/

Rachel puts the fabulous, and CLASS in the term bitch! She also brings the talent too! I go to her site numerous times in a day. As she post sometimes several times in one day. Her site, will feature a quiz now and then, she asks her readers to share on occasion, she vents with the open honesty of a first class bitch, and then her next post will convey an open tenderness and love for her husband that is honest and real, to the point that commenting almost feels like you're intruding on a private moment between husband and wife. I LOVE IT! Rachel and her husband Gary are a fun duet featured thru her posts and comments periodically. I know this is long, but stay with me. Rachel is also a very talented web designer, one of which I am proud to say, I am having design this one, to give it her special touch, and bring it a more interesting look, and feel.
She hosts sites (she will be hosting my photo blog soon as well.) works with blogexplosion, and heads up THE bitches club too. A side note; I don't think she sleeps. Cuz I certainly don't see where she would have the time to. She is part of a group of women, that is under the category of military wives lives, that gives you a peek into what life is for the wives of our military men on base. One more side note; Rachel is real. If your offended by some occasional swearing, her site may not be for you.(But then you're here, so it shouldn't be a problem) But for proud bitches everywhere, she is a must see! Yep! I like going here, and often. http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/

The defeatist, an enigma to be sure. And a bit of a mystery and puzzle that has you wanting to figure him out. An educated man, with a few problems connecting with the opposite sex. He speaks openly, and he draws you in with his excellent writing, and storytelling. I look for a new post everyday. And am waiting patiently (OK, not so patiently) for his part two of Blind Date #2.
I keep coming back, to his writing, when I think of his site. Well worth going to for a daily read. It's opening a book, of well done short stories with a conundrum. http://defeatist.blogspot.com/

And last, but far from least of this months featured blogs, is Jay. An extraordinary, intellegent young woman, whose love for writing is evident in each and every post. I haven't been reading her very long, but do find mysef drawn to read each of her daily posts. With a strong awareness of social problems facing young people, she writes with compassion and intellegence. With a tongue in cheek sense of humor, she writes of different current events, and brings some laughter to each of them. She also writes of her personal life, and her feelings, periodically with a humorous tone, others in all seriousness. Occasionally snarky, and at times I don't always agree with her stand points. (Or possibly I just don't "get her") But I am always drawn to read her excellent writing. http://saintvodkaofthemartini.blogspot.com/

This concludes my list of reads for the month. At times my love for reading other blogs hinders my ability to produce more posts here in my own blog. But if you have a gander at some of these, it is evident as to why I am reading versus posting. Enjoy your Sunday! :-)

Spring Cleaning With Purpose

2005-03-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

Excited and stressed, I write out my list of things to do with purpose, and a deadline attached to it this year. And by "it" I mean spring cleaning. My girlfriend Delta, from WA who I have known for what, 17 yrs. is coming to stay a few days next week.

As I look around to tally the chores that absolutely have to be done, before her long awaited visit, I am becoming a little overwhelmed. My training, and 10 yrs. of working in a hospital pharmacy, mixing IV's where strile technique is EVERYTHING, has me conscious of all the unseen germs, that I would never want to subject a houseguest to. Let alone my longtime friend, and confidante. So kitchen cleanliness, and bathroom sterility, are a give. Clutter, on the other hand, is a whole different matter. What I'm trying to admit, and not very easily, is I suck at housekeeping.

I AM a perfectionist, although if you entered my home, you probably wouldn't think so. The problem is, if I don't have the time to do it to perfection (or I don't FEEL like doing it to perfection) it doesn't get done. (Or my wonderful husband does it, in his not quite perfectionistic way.) Although who am I to bitch, since I didn't do it to begin with.

And now my girlfriend from years gone by, is coming to stay with me. As I look around the office slash guestroom, I'm reminded of my penchant for clutter, and saving/keeping everything. Damn do I have my work cut out for me. I want Delta to feel at home, so I have to at the very least, douche this room, and the kids slash guest bathroom.

Delta and I go back a long way. We know each others ugly secrets, cuz some of them, we shared together. We have seen each other thru marraiges, divorces, raising kids, household moves, emotional traumas, many many late into the evening parties, dead end jobs, and we have even been house room mates, with our then two kids.

I met Delta in the infamous 80's, right before she was about to marry her live-in boyfriend. We met, when I started hanging out at the restaurant/bar where she was working as a waitress. Whenever I came in, she always greeted me with such enthusiasm, and remembered my name after my first visit.

I would come into the restaurant in the evening after the dinner crowd, and sit up at the breakfast bar for a few hours. Sometimes to eat, most times to have a few drinks. I was at the time, having a tawdry affair with a guy who was moolighting as their cook a few nights a week. ( He was a restaurant equpment salesperson by day) So she soon became my confidante, for my misdeeds. This "misdeed" lasted off and on for well over a decade. Not one of my better moments, or two, or three...

Soon, when her marraige had hit the skids, (NOT by any misdeeds on her part) we started slumming together. Delta is a beautiful dark haired, Lt. olive skinned feisty Italian. And she knew how to party and have a good time. And a good time we had.

Our friendship evolved from there. And we have a lot of shared memories, some of which I may go into at a later date. One of our memories, that we share a laugh over even now from time to time, was when we were living together, with our two children. My son Robby was a year younger then her daughter Jan. We worked together, taking turns dropping and picking our kids up from school. This gave us both a little freedom for a social life, besides our jobs. It enabled her to stay out later after work, to see her then boyfriend. And allowed me the same freedom on other nights to go out and see the uhhh gentleman I was seeing at the time. OK, he was a drummer in a bar room circuit band. (Nightclubs WERE big in the 80's) I'm off topic.

At any rate one morning it was my turn to take the kids to school. The only problem was, I had been up until 4:00 AM partying, and was hung the hell way over! I had taught Robby early on how to set HIS alarm, get up, fix his cereal, get dressed, brush teeth, and THEN wake me up, to take him into school. Jan on the other hand was a bit more pampered in her morning routine. (as it should be, by the way) Or maybe she just needed more guidance. But I groggily set her to work taking care of the details of getting ready. She came in where I was half dozing, and asked if "this dress", which was on her, "was OK to wear to school." I may or may not have actually looked at her. As just her speaking, made my head pound like my drummer boys drums in a solo!

Somehow I managed to rise, throw some clothes on and get the kids to school. Soon there after I headed off to work. A few hours later, I get a call at work, and its Delta. seems Jan fell down at school and skinned her knee up, and I think ripped her "dress." So Delta had to go pick her up. I had in my foggy state sent Jan to school in her slip. (It looked like a sun dress to me???) Jan, a 21 year old mother herself now, still chides me and laughs about it. At the time, I don't think Delta found it quite so humorous.

Our friendship has changed dramatically over the years. As we aged, grew, evolved, whatever you wanna call it, so did our friendship. I do know after my daughter was born, and we had completely cleaned up our acts, to the point of not being recognizable from our days in the 80's; Delta was there for me in a HUGE way.

My daughter was born in November of 93, and from the minute she came out of me, she screamed with such a loud, intense cry, she drove anyone around her, away. Except of course for me and her father. We had no choice but to stick it out. Tayler screamed, approximately 20 hours per day. A deafening, pained inconsolable scream. What we didn't realize then, or figure out for two and a half months of this, was that she had severe acid reflux. Everytime she ate, and then was layed down, her pain was horrid. Rick and I during these couple of months, played tag team with the baby. We never saw each other, as the minute he got home, I would hand Tayler off to him, and leave the premises for a few hours, as when he would go to bed, I was "back on shift."

Where I went, during these completely sleep deprived, traumatizing months, was Delta's house. She would let me basically come over, sit on her couch, and chain smoke. Some nights, we wouldn't even talk, just stare at the TV. Some nights I would be such an emotional wreck, that she would make me this very tasty white chocolate cappucino, and serve it to me in her white china cups and saucers. Don't ask me why, but this made me feel pampered and taken care of. At a time that I couldn't think straight. She never tried to "fix" my problems, she knew she couldn't. She was just there for me. And basically allowed me to meld into her family those few hours EVERY evening.

I have to say, this was one of the most harrowing times of my life. Having this brand new baby, that not only was I not able to bond with, I wasn't able to even comfort. I didn't allow myself much time to really emerse myself in these thoughts, and neither did Delta. It was what it was, and I needed all my strength and patience, to get thru it.

We did eventually figure out the problem, but not before I spent a small fortune, on every type of gimmick "garaunteed" to cure colic. Contraptions you strapped to the bottom of the crib, that vibrated, having her sleep at an angle on a wedge, mylecon drops (for gas) 20 different formulas, running the vacumm cleaner for hours (this actually worked part of the time) and many things I can't even think of now. We saw a few diffferent doctors, I even took this newborn baby to a chiropractor. I was desperate.

Finally, we had heard thru another pharmacist at work, who had heard from a hairdresser, about this severe form of reflux, and how Zantac drops all but cured it. We went back to the doc. armed with this imformation, and her reply, bascially was what the hell, whada we got to lose. From the very first dose, Tayler's crying diminished to a measley 4 hours per night. She still had colic, but after the 20 hours a day for 2 and a half months, this was a walk in the park.

So this Delta memory, probably above all else, stands out in my mind. She was there for me, stood by me, when I was closer to emotionally snapping, then any other time in my life. I will be forever grateful to her for this. And now, after being away from WA for 4 yrs, she is coming to stay with me. I want to roll out the red carpet, ensure that this part of her vacation is FUN with a capital F. And to start, I need to get her bedroom clean.

Married Playtime

2005-03-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

Oh what a week-end! This is not usually my week-end w/o the kids, but I got the X to trade me a few days, so I ended up w/Friday and Saturday day and night alone with my lover! Flipping from mommy dearest over to hot, sexy passionate lover, takes some conscious effort, but is well worth it! and for some reason, the fact that it was not my scheduled week-end to be able to play, made it that much more wicked and fun.

Although Friday was much more low-keyed then Saturday night, we had a wonderful time together with the hot tub, and chatting and even just watchig TV sans kids. We ended up staying up until 3:00 AM. Although admittedly,we were both dozing off and on for the last hour of being up. But even that was satsifying, dozing side by side on our recliner chairs that are actually part of the couch.

Saturday, well saturday was out of the ordinary good times. We had the "prom" (Tempe Governors Ball) to go to, so some of saturday was just devoted to preparations. Picking up the new platinum vest for his tux, and getting my hair done into an "up-do", and last minute shopping, which also consisted of two throw away cameras, for the naughty part of the evening.

Tonights after hour party was some play acting (I always wanted to be one of those actress slash model types, well at least once in a while) So with TWO cameras in hand, and dressing for an ultra formal, swanky dinner dance at one of Phoenix's nice resorts, we were gonna have a little outta the ordinary fun, playing photographer/model. With each getting the opportunity to play the model and the photographer. A little weird? Yes. So? Made for some great foreplay! And a lot of giggling.

Dinner was nothing short of magnificent at the South Pointe Mountain Resort. From the salad, to the fillet mignon, to the desert, which I didn't even know the name of. All the food here was almost too pretty to eat. (I know, my redneck roots are showing. But I think that fact lends itself to my enjoying myself WAY more then those who consider themselves metro sophisticates, who are well schooled in gourmet dining.)

The band, was more the size of a small orchestra, and did play some fun songs for dancing(Minus the one that was hubby and HIS X-wifes wedding song. I didn't let that phase me, or put a damper on the mood for too long) The only problem being is damn it I really like THIER song. Billy Joel's I love you just the way you are. Hell, we were dancing half way thru the song, having a good time before I realized which song it was. Well, that is the drawback in late in life love. All of the baggage, or X's we both drag into our lives. Being that since my baggage adds up to a steam trunk, I really don't have much reason to complain.

The evening turned out wonderful. There were just a couple of tiny snags. The first being while getting ready for the evening. My dress, that I had only tried on once in the store, while not wearing any make-up and not the least bit concerned about messing my hair, proved to be a maze. Getting into that took both myself and my husband struggling for 15 minutes.
It is backless, sort of. With straps criss crossing all over the place, that actually were tied into the straps that went over my shoulders. It was also fairly form fitting at the waist and hips area, which made it damn near impossible, well impossible to step into. It had to go over my head. Over my head with the up-do, that took an hour for a professional to put together. Over my head, that had my meticulously applied make up completed, and perfect. Now, I had to drag this floor length dress with long ass straps over it, without getting make up on the dress or screwing up the up do.

We got it basically almost over my head, although I felt my hair pull a little, I was more conscious of make up smearing the front of the dress.The dress being kinda a bright, light blue, the make-up woulda stood out blatantly. And then the dress got stuck. With my arms straight up in the air, the dress was too tight trying to pull down the rest of the way.(We didn't want to completely loosen the straps, because we would never figure out the puzzle of putting them back correctly. There was a few shits! and fuck! being said on both of our parts. But my wonderfully metro- sexual husband, with his style and flair figured it out much quicker then I would have been able to. I think at one point I yelled somthing about not going and burning that fucking dress! Patience is not a virtue I have much time for. We did finally get it on. But when I glanced in the mirror my "up do", was no longer completely up. I did fix that with a minimal amount of time and effort. We both felt a little undone after all the effort put in to making me look and feel glamorous enough for the festivities. I reminded him, that as women age, it takes longer and longer for us to reach that state of glamour.

We were more then ready for that first glass of champagne, by the time we pulled upfront of the resort. And we bee-lined it to one of the waiters carrying trays of champagne flutes. Our first glass was empty within 10 minutes. By half an hour, I had had 3 glasses of champagne, and the hubby had switched to gin and tonic. (Which I limited him to two, with the threat that I would be driving home, if he had more then that.) We both had a pleasant buzz going on by the time we made it over to the rows of tables holding the silent auction goodies. And I watched in slight amazement as he headed down each table writing our #, 204 over a good third of all items up for auction. I gently reminded him of what happened at the Desert Botanical Gardens Silent Auction, when he had assumed then, that he would naturally be outbid, on most if not all of the items. (We walked out with close to $300.00 worth of cactus. Yes, cactus!)

It was only a gentle reminder, and I was actually slightly amused as well. He had just received his bonus from work. Far be it for me, to say hey, slow down. Especially when half of the items he was bidding on would have directly benefitted me. (The day spa gift certificates, and that digital camera, that I had said I wanted to get a month ago. Of course I would have to learn how to use it first) So when he wanted to bid on the new tux, I was all for it! (hehehehe)

We were then seated at dinner, where he then had a few glasses of wine with the food as well. We checked on our bids, well just a select few, where if we were outbid, we wrote down another bid, and then went and danced a little. The end of the night was drawing near, and they had closed the bidding just minutes after our last foray around the tables. So we went to the cashier to see if we had actually "won" any of the bids. (hehehehehe) She said emphatically, "Oh, yes sir! You "won" quite a few actually!" So one $800.00 debit transaction later, we walked out with all of our loot. Him in shock, and admittedly me giggling softly.(Yes, I know, I'm a bitch)

We had the rest of the evening planned out precisely, but it had not included going thru a huge gift basket full of salon hair products, and around 7 gift certificate envelopes, and looking at my brand new digital camera! And yes, he also got the new tux envelope as well. We adjusted the plans. And I made him feel good, when I suggested he gets the massage from the day spa, and I'll get the facial while he does that next Saturday. There were a lot of great goodies. But I can name 25 other things that would have been considered priorities over all of these non priority items that we "purchased."

We then proceeded to model/photography games that lasted for a good part of the evening. (And no none of the pics were pornographic in nature, just hamming it up, playing sexy and flirting, in various array of dress, but well covered. These photo's WERE going to Kits in the mall to be developed. It was a fun, lighthearted adults only evening! I'll remember it for a long time to come.

We took cameras in to get developed today, in one hour. And then shopped around the mall and had a bite to eat. (With the kids, as their father did drop them off at 6:00 AM this morning on his way in to work) I couldn't wait to see the results of our photo session! When I went in to pick them up after we ate, the technician asked me if I wanted to buy the print that has the complete set of pics on it, for each of the cameras. I said yes, and wondered why he asked me in such low tones, with a conspiratorial look on his face. Was he flirting with me?? I was a little taken aback, as he was YOUNG. Gee, maybe I still "got it" after all....

We went home onto the back patio, and the kids gathered around to look at them to. None were blatant, so I didn't have a problem with them seeing them. The spawn was standing next to me looking over my shoulder, and both kids were laughing at our apparent attempt to look hot. With the how rediculous is this look on thier face. After all mom and Kevin are OLD. All was fine, going thru them, until the one. We were a little buzzed, and tired while playing, but not that bad. The velour long blouse I was sexing it up in, was only unbuttoned half way down. But there dead on with me looking straight into the camera, was my right, completely bared breast, also looking dead on straight into the camera!(Janet Jackson has nothing on me.) Riley the little Satans Spawn busted up laughing! Tayler just let out a disgusted "Ewwww." And I was mortified! If I wanted pics. like that, I have a polaroid camera for those ocassions! And a secret hiding place to put all said pics. Not out in the open looking at them with my family gathered round.

And then flashing before my eyes was the conspiratorial look of the photo tech. and his low voice tones, asking me if I wanted the master of all pics, on the roll. He wasn't flirting at all! He was, embarassed for me?? Oh geeze. I was embarassed, and none to happy with Kevin. I do remember at one point looking down and seeing my shirt gaping open, and asking and making sure he hadn't take one like that. He assured me he hadn't. And I know he wouldn't do that on purpose, as he is definitely more conservative then I am about MY breasts, and who sees them.

I was feeling a little sick, when he grabbed it and put it out of sight in his sweat pant pocket. And Riley realizing I didn't feel good about it did his best to make me feel better. By telling me, "Mom it isn't that bad, it just looked like a flower." I didn't ask my 9 yr old to elaborate, as I really don't want to know what he mean't by that. They all enjoyed the laugh, and we completely moved on to other things.

Overall, it was a wonderful week-end. I do have the kids a few of the days this week, for the trade with the X. But after the fun I enjoyed with my lover slash husband, it will be more then a pleasure taking care of, and spending time with my kids. We had a relaxing, low keyed good day with the kids. And I gave Tayler a manicure, and painted her nails, and took them to the school playround to enjoy some frssh air, and the playground equipment. It was a memorable mix, of family time, and adults only time. I couldn't ask for more out of a week-end. Well, except for the wardrobe malufunction, that is.

Interview Questions

2005-03-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

Sis http://dayatbeach.blogspot.com/ answered some interview questions, from Andrea http://andreaknapp.blogspot.com/ And then suggested that anyone who wouldn't mind being "interviewed" say so in her comments. I didn't mind, so I stepped up to bat. (I love to play!)

Anyway, here are her questions, and my answers.

1. What is your fondest teenage memory?
I would have to say, my High School graduation party that my parents thru for me. They had invited our whole church (it was a fairly small, close knit church) and our church had a small band, whom I loved listening to. They set up in my parents (very big!) livingroom and performed for the party. I was dating a popular, good looking college guy, and he came as well as my girlfriends. I would have to say, that during those moments, I felt special, and loved. This actually ties with getting the lead role in the school play my Senior year.

2. If you could turn back time, where would you put yourself? why??
I would turn back time, to right after High School, and would have gotten either a journalism or English degree. Instead I took a position as an ass't mgr. of a clothing store. I was determined to "start my life" get my own apt., etc. And why? I believe getting a degree is imperative to kids today, when entering the work force. I just wish I had done it, even if I chose to work only part time, or like now, not at all. It would have been the "good example" for my children, whom I have tried to teach college is a given, not a decision to make.

3. Suppose you believe in past lives,.... who do you think you might have been?? why??
Well now, that's a fun one Sis! Umm, I would have to say a psychologist.
why? Because I over analyze absolutely EVERYTHING!

4. What one thing do you most want to do before you die?
Get, and see my kids raised, outta college, and on their way to happy lives. I would also like to hold grandbabies in my arms someday! (I know, that's two, couldn't help it)

5. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Encouraging and exhorting my kids as they enter into college. And enjoying my husband, on lots of road trips, and cruises. (Pretty shallow huh?) Well I AM 41 (but feel more like 50)

Well Sis! Those were some great questions! And they made me think, and remember. Now I want to extend the same invitation. If you don't mind, and would like to be interviewed, this time by yours truly, put a comment in that says I want to be interviewed. And I will send you 5 questions to post on your blog, with your answers.

It Takes Two Dads...

2005-03-03T01:40:00.000-08:00

Tayler knocked on our bedroom door as my hubby and I were discussing his day at work.

Tayler: Mom, dad wants to talk to you.
Me: OK, Tay. Hello?
Rick: Hi Tamber. Tayler's D string on her violin broke, and she has a concert tomorrow. You need to run the violin to the music store and have them re-string it before the concert. The sotre closes in 15 minutes, and there is no way I can get there.

So began the conversation, that ended with directions to the music store. And then finding out her concert was at 9:00 AM. (More of a competition between schools) Her dad then said, "Sorry Tayler, you're screwed." (No letting her down easy)

Tayler had her back to me, and was crying big crocdile tears, while still on the phone with her dad. The string had broke while she was diligently practicing in her room for the big day. (Which is today) Those tears were all I needed. I asked to talk to Rick again. And said if we can find a music store, I will run it over as soon as I drop the kids at school, and wait while they re-string it, and run it back to Tayler before 9:00 AM. He said he was going to call the store, and see when they open in the morning, and give me a call back.

He called me back, saying he had found a new string for it, at his house, and he would be right over in 15 minutes or so. In the meantime, Kevin yelled," Dinner kids! Tayler, dinner is on." So I dragged Tayler to the dinner table covered in tears, and had her sit down to eat. We lifted the dinner prayer up, as well as my silent one for God to somehow fix this mess, so that my daughter wouldn't be disappointed. And then I launched into the "We all face disappointments in life Tayler. Things we can do nothing about. We have to make the best of the situation." All the while silently praying for an outta the hat, teensy eentsy weensty miracle from above.

After dinner Rick showed up, and went to work trying to put on that string. No go. He doesn't play the violin, I don't play the violin. And step-dad, doesn't play the violin. About that time the phone rang, I looked at the caller I.D. My brother's house in WA state. He is keeping me informed on Kathy's illness, and their family. I know I have to pick it up. But hesitate, if it's my sis-in-law, she will want to have a leisurely chat. And now, well now just isn't the time for me to check out of this situation, but I don't dare not take the call, with Kathy doing so poorly.

I apoliogize to the X, and to Kevin. And say I have to take this, it's about Kathy. Around then I hear Kevin yell for Riley, that it's time to read to him. And then some more calm arguing with the "spawn" that he has to get off of the X-box. I say in to the phone, "Hello"? Extremly scare fo what words may come over the receiver. It is my sis-in-law, Trish, very cheerfully saying "Hey Tamber! How's it going?" I warily deduce that Kathy has not died, or near death, as Trish would not be so bubbly. My immediate releif is replaced with trepidation,as I realize, it is not going to be easy, to get Trish OFF of the phone.

About that time, the X asks for the yellow pages, to hunt for another music store with an Emeregency Dept. to take the sick violin to. Kevin then runs up hearing this and whispers in my ear, "Why doesn't he just hop on the computer, and hunt for one?" We locate the yellow pages, basically with me ignoring Kevin's comment, so as to not insult the X, all the while with Trish hanging on the phone, happily chattering away. Then the "spawn" starts reading to Kevin, the ever vigilant step-dad. Who I often end up depending on the keep the routine in place, no matter what may be happening around us.

There is far too much going on, with the chattering in my ear, and the X trying to figure out, where to take the violin to, (he couldn't get the string on) and the spawn reading to Kevin. So I disappear into the bedroom to finish up the call with Trish. Who had just come from a visit at Kathy's house, and reports that the flowers I sent were beautiful! I am glad to hear that, as I am not going to call Kathy to ask about them. Their plate is more then full dealing with her cancer. So I was glad to hear from Trish, that they had indeed arrived.

Trish continued to chatter on, about each family member, and what is going on with them. Unfortunately most of what Trish likes to say is negative. And always manages to put me on the defense, and on edge. (More on Trish another day.) In the meantime Kevin keeps popping his head in to see when I'll be off of the phone.

I re-emerge to find the X has solved the problem with the violin, and the homework is complete with the spawn, thanks to Kevin. As I survey the scene, of the X with Tayler, and Kevin with Riley, all gathered in the livingroom, I cannot help but think, what a strange and unique family we are. Two dads, working earnestly, and with all sincerety, to ensure that these two beautiful children, grow up well adjusted, happy, and healthy.

I am humbled at God's Grace, towards me, my children and their two fathers. He takes a situation, of a broken family, and puts it back together, so delicately. These two men leave me speechless. The X, whom I was never able to put a healthy relationship together with, but who loves his children with everything in him. My husband, (and best friend) who loves me so much, that he puts aside all male ego emotions, to work not just with me, but with my X, to ensure that these kids get all, that all of us have to give.

I couldn't ask for a better husband. I couldn't ask for a better X husband. They love these children more then enough, to put aside their feelings about each other's position in my life, to make this a family. I observe our family, with awe, and with more peace, then I ever imagined I could, when going thru a divorce, that split these kids' world in half. The night ended much more peacefully then it began. And not by the help of a village, but in our case, the help of two dads.

Week-end Cocooning

2005-02-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone's tucked into bed, and I'm alone for a few minutes to write. Overall it was a good week-end, alone with my husband. Saturday night, we did date night, and it went well. And there was some fun. We went to Phoenix and saw Million Dollar Baby. I did nod off for about 15 to 20 minutes in the beginning. Somthing about the dark and those comfortable seats. And the movie just didn't pull me into it right away. All though it did grow on me, once I was fully awake. And I had a little bit of a good cry towards the end. Sorry, I won't say much more, in case you haven't seen it. Overall it was a good movie. And I think deserving of Best picture. (Except I hadn't seen 3 of them that were also up for it. lol)

We went to Houston's and had a fantastic dinner. Nothing says fantastic like a great salad and big slab of prime rib. And a couple of cosmopolitans too. Very enjoyable evening alone with my man!

Today, we just cocooned for the day. Layed in bed, a little slap and tickle action, played cards, and my hubby made my favorite home made meal of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. (I've eaten a lot of horse radish this week-end!) And then we watched a couple of pre- shows to the academy's. I love down time alone with my husband, it reminds me of why we got married in the first place.

The kids came back from their father's tonight, but by the time they get here, and we go over homework and sign everything off, argue with Riley about needing a shower more then once a week, get him to shower and get ready for bed, then it's bed time or past bedtime.

I really was relunctant to "let go" of the week-end. Which menas I know it was good. Week-days are so hectic. And this week promises to be more so then normal.

I start physical therapy tomorrow for my back, and having never done P.T. I have no idea what to expect. This isn't scheduled until 4:15 PM, which is really going to throw the whole monday routine off a bit. Mondays are Girl scouts night too. Which usually puts bedtime late, with dinner, and homework.

I also have lunch scheduled with the homegirls. We haven't done a lunch in what seems like forever, although in reality it might just be a week and a half. But I know they will have some fun gossip about their girls trip to Vegas, so I am looking forward to it! Jenny and I didn't go, just Lori, Shelly, and Vickie. They like to have a rambunctious good time, and can easily drink me under the table and party a good deal of the night away. So I am looking forward to a little vicarious ride tomorrow.

I haven't seen Jenny since our last lunch, and I am looking forward to seeing how her pregnancy is progressing as well! I have asked for the honor of throwing her a baby shower, as soon as we learn the sex.

I also need to do a little shopping for the week-end. Saturday is the Tempe Governors Ball, and the dress I am wearing is silver and a light blue. None of my evening bags will go with it. They are all black, in one form or another. So I neeed to go in search of a silver evening bag. (Thats actually going to be the fun part of the day.) That, and hitting the tanning beds. I am too damn pale! I don't like dark, dark tans on me, but a little color will be nice.

So tomorrow will be quite full for a monday. I like easing into the week, and there is just nothing I can really put off to the next day. (I am the master procrastinator)

UDATE ON KATHY

My brother called me tonight, to give me an update on Kathy. Seems she got out of surgery, after they drained fluid off of her heart, and developed a blood clot in her "good" lung. So she isn't out of the hospital yet. They opened her up, and she had tumors everywhere. The inevitable is upon us unfortunately. She has a strong will to hold on. Which is evident just from how long she has held on already. When she was told about the blood clot, her comment was, "Well, it can't be that bad, I'm not dead." I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers yesterday to her house, I hope my cousin took them to her in the hospital today. Just praying for her, and her family.

I am done trying to analyze the fairness of it all. It isn't fair, it just is. And we all have a date with destiny...some people will have theirs before others. I guess this is called acceptance. She is a great, strong lady. Who will be remembered and missed dearly. I know people always say that either about the terminally ill, or the dead. But this woman truly, truly was/ IS. And I know she has touched many many lives. Mine included.

Dealing with...

2005-02-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

I am putting my husband's daily e-mail to me, for today in here. HE should be the one with a blog. His way with words has always had my admiration, and awe. This morning, with a good nights sleep, has me not feeling quite so pissed anymore. More of a concern, and sadness, for people all around me, who are struggling with some sort of pain, whether it be emotional, or a loss, or a death, or are just overwhelmed with so many of life's little complexities. I lift each one up in prayer. That's all I can do, in the onslaught of so many things in life, that are beyond our control. Prayer, and my compassion.

These life events (for lack of a better word coming to me) are not happening to me. And deep down I know, are not due to some "curse" I invented to be able to deal. They are a part of life. They happen when they happen. Believing in a higher power, (in my case, Jesus Christ) I want to find a rhyme or reason to events. I cannot blame this higher power, but can't come to terms with a loving God allowing pain. In my simplicity, I invented "the curse".

It was easier to log, all the injustices that I felt occurred in my cursed month. By doing this, I felt I could be more in control the other 11 months out of the year. It's my fairy tale I use to deal. I allow myself to wallow in, self pity? sadness? helplessness? for one month outta the year. Granted, life happenings had made it easier to choose this month out of all the others. But it is, what it is. The trauma's that happen, in the sense of my mother, or Kathy, in reality, did not happen to me. It happened to them. They lived amidst their personal crisis, and they struggled, hurt, and dealt. These are not my personal trauma's. As it is my blog, for my personal feelings, and pains, it has been about what I went thru standing helplessly by, watching them move thru it.

My husband's words, put it far better then I ever could. Watching someone you love, care about, and want good things for, get just the opposite, leaves no words to express, that actually eases pain. They have to go thru it, and no one with words can take away their pain. We can with just our presence, our compassion, let them know, we are there, and that we care. That connection in life, I do believe is powerful. Not necessarily to ease pain, just to acknowledge, validate and let them know, that they are not alone. And ultimately, I do believe there is comfort in that.

Subject :
sadness

Inbox
Dearest:
At a time of sadness like Kathy's turn for the worst brings, I find both an
advantage and a disadvantage in being there for you. The advantage is that
you have the intellect and heart to see into this tragedy and realize the
powerlessness of man in the face of death and hence I can always count on
you making a peace, however uncomforting, with such a tragedy. The
disadvantage is that I find words fail me in my effort to comfort you
precisely because your mind and your heart already know just about anything
I could tell you and it would almost sound naive and condescending of me to
say just about anything.
Still, I went to bed sad for you, sad because you have to deal with this
and sad because I really couldn't do much but listen to you. That wasn't
because I was tired, but because I know your mind and your heart all too
well and that you know all too well the senselessness and outrage and utter
despair we all feel when a loved one dies, especially when that someone is
so young.
I thought back to my feelings when my brother died and when my mom passed.
The latter in many ways was much easier to deal with: No, I don't like the
fact that time relentlessly rolls on and steals our youth and the joys we
discovered in family and friends. But when we reflect on death's
inevitability and look at the deceased's long life, we can draw comfort in
some ways: If we took the time as often as we could to tell that person we
loved them, and if we can see where even if that person's life was a hard
one, we could see the joys that that person had in spite of hardship, we
can find some consolation. So it was with me and my mom: I knew her life
was hard, but I knew she retained her innate joy in life. I knew I had made
a lot of time (there is never enough)
for her. I knew I told her many times not only that I loved her but that
she had given me so much that I would always remember her.
It was different with Pete. Yes, I had many fond memories of him because we
played together as kids, spent hours conversing about the intellectual and
emotional discoveries one makes as one leaves childhood for adulthood, and
could spend long periods of time apart and then come together as if we had
seen each other every day. Yet, I was angry, brutalized by sadness because
he was leaving at 45. In his final weeks, I couldn't even talk to him
because his wife claimed he couldn't. She just kept me apprised of how he
was doing as his life relentlessly wound down to zero.
And then, a few days before he died, the phone rang and I picked it up and
his wife gave the phone to Pete. he was trying to say something but his
voice had become so distorted by drugs and, I guess, the impact of cancer
on his body, that I simply couldn't understand what he was saying. I never
felt the kind of desperation I did in those final minutes as I struggled in
vain to cock my inner ear and pick up his last words to me. And all I could
tell him was be brave and that I loved him.
My words gave me no satisfaction. Nothing left me with comfort.
And I suspect this is all the case now as you look with horror and anger
and sorrow and anguish at what's happening to Kathy.
This is an awfully long and maybe even convoluted way of telling you that I
don't think there is anything meaningful that I can say to you at this time
that will bring you comfort when you think of Kathy.
But what I can tell you is this:
I am there for you to vent your rage at life being cut short. I am there
for you to talk to even as you internally realize that death never makes
sense and rarely brings justification with it. And most of all, I am there
to hold you and let you find comfort in the fact that as long as I draw a
breath, I am yours to lean on without reservation.
I love you, Tamber
with all my heart.

I know why I married this man. And a good deal of it lies with this e-mail. His struggle to help me, he put into words, how I feel, seeing those that I care about struggle. This includes those I have gotten to know thru blogging, who have struggled with different losses, or are struggling. The pain of having cancer, is not a joke. I have senselessly laughed at insensitive remarks made in the past, when it wasn't real to me. (And sought forgiveness for it) The loss of a love. We all go thru it at one point or another, but it doesn't lessen the pain of those going thru it now, whether it be a child, a fiancee, a husband, or a friend.

There is a small group of bloggers, that I have learned of their pain, and struggles and triumphs. And I respect, care and admire them. They put into words, in their personal blogs part of their struggle, and I lift up a prayer for them today. I don't know how appropriate it would be to list them, and if they ask me to I will remove them from this post. But I want to tell them, what my husband told me. I recognize your struggles, and cannot ease them, whatever they are. But I care.

Rachel http://www.bitchalicious.com/blog/ You're one helluva a woman, and I see a strength in you that I admire, in 15 different ways. I can't give any words that will comfort you, but you're in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Brat http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ You struggled with cancer, and still deal with problems associated with it. You have my respect, and admiration, for someone who has walked thru the fires of this nightmare, and came out the otherside. Whole, open, caring and full of anticipation for what life has yet to bring you. I cheer for you, and congratulate you.

G-man http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ You lost a love, and your dreams for your future as you worked for it to unfold. You shared your pain with us here, and I have seen you feel it, work thru it, and regain your strength (and your sense of humor ) as you now anticipate what joys life will bring you in the future. I care about you, and always want to feel the privilege of being able to call you my friend.

And for those that don't know it, there is a special relatonship between Brat and G-man, that if put into a book, I would buy it! Their friendship started online, and has grown closer then one would think possible from an internet, long distannce relationship, that has spanned several years. Some of which they have shared here on their blogs. I watch their two lives, from their blogs with anticipation of what the future may hold for them. (As jaded as I claim to be, I am a romantic at heart!)

There are a few others in this blog world, that I know are struggling with a myriad of life little mishaps, and that can be frustrating and disheartening as well. Hang in there AK http://chaoticphoenixak.blogspot.com/ we both know today will be better. (Yesterday's post spoke to me, as I went thru a week, this month, similar to your day yesterday.)

Catt, http://cativa.blogspot.com/ taking your little one to the ER, I know is emotionally draining. And I am happy she is doing well. You put the feelings of what a mother goes thru during an ER visit down with laser sharp accuracy.

I guess I am going thru this list, because when you're struggling with your own pain, during someone you loves crisis, it helps to come out of yourself, and show the compassion you feel, for others who are struggling.

Life happens, and I cannot change that. I have no control over it, and I guess I just have to accept that. And it's arrogant of me, to even sub-consciously believe that I do have a say, or control over any of it.

I wish the best for all these people, who I have come to care about, either over the internet or in my personal life. It doesn't mean a happily ever after outcome. But it does mean strength, and growth, even when I see no rhyme or reason.....

Countdown - 4 days until March

2005-02-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

This evening, I went to a few of my favorite blogs, to read and take my mind off of the news that came to me this evening. My cousins wife, and one time intimate friend, is in the hospital tonight. I wrote about her briefly in The Feb. curse part 2 post I think. She has had cancer for a few years now, and has fought it bravely, stoicly, and with grace. She almost got all the way thru her Hawaii vacation with her family, when she started having symptoms of cardiac arrest. (She is 44 or 45, I can't remember which) She was in the hospital in Hawaii at the time, to have the fluid drained off of her lungs like she does every 10 days or so now. But things were so bad, they flew her back straight away, to see her doc. She is scheduled for surgery in the morning......but it's cancer, things don't get better when you're terminal. She's scared.

The blogs I hit, to read, a couple of them were struggling as well, in one form or another. And I lifted up a prayer for each. As well as Kathy. I'm going to go to bed now, I'm too drained, and pissed. Pissed doesn't sound like the right emotion...and probably isn't. I just have a problem when bad things happen to good people. I don't understand it, and feel helpless in the power of things that are completley out of anyones control. Helpless, and without the right words.

g'night blogosphere.

Kids Week-End

2005-02-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

Thought I would try and write a quick post. Week-ends usually do not afford me too much time to do so. But kid's Week-end even less. The time on a week-end is so precious. It means my husband isn't working, and on kids week-end, I am with them more then during the school week.

Sometimes I feel like I am pulled into too many directions. My husband and I have been married a little over two years. Which in my book, makes us still pretty much newlyweds. We still crave (and hopefully always will) blocks of uninterrupted time together.

My children, are only with me, every other week. Which means I have to try and make the most out of the every other week-end time spent with them. It's nice having every other week-end just with my new husband, as we work at building a life together. But in some ways I feel it puts more pressure on me, to make my children's week-end extra special. Since overall they do without their mother half of the year. Except for various phone calls during my X's week, and a quick visit here and there, when they stop by.

During kids week, I have my daughter, who needs me more, as she enters into the melo-dramatic zone of puberty. My new husband, who always likes to bounce his workdays off of me, and Satan's Spawn, who instead of coming out and saying, I need attention, will act out, and up, to get it. So I feel like this rubberband, trying to fulfill all of their needs, by splitting my time with each of them. And maybe it's just my own mind, but I feel like they all feel they each are being shortchanged in the area of mom, and wife's attention.

And then there is the balance of trying to put together "family time" as a unit. Watching the delicate balance of my kids building a relationship with their step-dad. Which if I had to judge it, I think it would come thru with flying colors. And I think that is completley due to my husband's maturity, and patience. He watches as the X saunters thru our home, on a fairly regular basis, and handles the situation with grace, and patience. Far more then I would, if the roles were reversed.

So, at times I feel like this helpless bystander, trying to manipulate all of these various relationships, so that everyone comes out happy and content. Which brings me to working. If I worked full time like I have in the past, everyone is short changed even more. And topping that list would be me. Any alone time to myself, would be non-existent. Which means I am not in the right frame of mind to do all these other relationships justice.

So when my husband tells me, he would rather I not work fulltime, I whole heartedly agree with him. And my kids, they feel the same way, and have told me so in no uncertain terms. My daughter has come right out and said, "mom, when you work fulltime, you're tired all the time, and I don't get time with you like we have when you're not working." Pretty clear communication.

In the day, and age, when women are being told, we can have it all, career, marraige, kids, home. I'm here to say, I can't. I can't do it. I end up with this overwhelming sense of guilt, that leaves me thinking I have short changed all areas. And failed, in all areas. These feelings are not condusive with a happy life.

So, in my case, it comes down to choices. I cannot have it all. I cannot have it all, and feel good, content, happy. Being able to look each member of my family in the eyes, with any sense of joy shining thru.

There are so many conflicting points of view, swimming around in my head. Views that at one time or another, I have embraced. I've wanted to feel like an independent modern woman, who has it all. I have wanted to be "The Total Woman", whose marraige is successful, whose husband is content, with all his fantasies and desires fulfilled. I have wanted to be "mother of the year", who is sensitive to her children's needs, not just physically and mentally, but emotionally as well.

And where the hell is all this time going to come from, in order for me to fulfill all these lofty ideas?? Some women do it. They do it all, and look like the the most well organized, successful all around modern women. I wonder though, does this bring them that elusive sense of contentment? Probably so, although because I admit right off the bat, I can't, I don't want to believe it. I have my children only half time, and still do not feel it's workable. And these women are full time at all their positions, and even manage to look great while doing it all.

So I enter in to another kid's week-end, knowing I must do everything I can, to make them happy with their relationship with their mother. And a husband who puts in near 60 hours a week, who looks to the week-end for us to renew our bond, and refresh his spirit. With these thoughts always at the forfront of my brain, that makes sitting down at the computer to post, almost a sin in my book.

Although I am glad I have taken the time today, to puke up these feelings in my oh so precious blog. This blog, that is mine, where I can put all these conflictiong emotions, and feelings of ineptness. And I can do my best, to rebel against these negative thoughts. Before walking away from it, to fulfill my responsibilities, and create joy for myself in these precious family bonds.

Today, on the list, is first my daughter. This being in some ways easier then the one with my son, and even my husband during kids week. I have a fitting for my formal at 2:00 PM for the "prom" my husband and I attend. My daughter loves stuff like this. So I am able to kill the two proverbial birds with one stone. Time with daughter, and necessary errand. On this same frame, we head over to the nail salon, where I need a pedicure to make these old woman toes look pretty in delicate heels, for said "prom". She will get a pedicure as well, which she loves. Again another two birds.

And then homeward to try and make some meaningful contact with Riley (aka; Satans Spawn) Which is much harder to do. And I admit, I rely on my husband to do a good deal of this. He will take Riley to get a haricut, and along on a few errands with him. My contact with Riley is much more minimal. I try to chat with him, watch his latest yo yo trick, clapping at his expertise. And just snuggle him, which he loves so much, although 50% of the time he will pull away and try and act manly. The week is spent trying to help him be sucessful in his school work, usually at the expense of time with daughter and husband.

Riley and I usually get to chat more, on monday nights while Tayler is at girlscouts. And it really does astound me, how bright, and intellegent he is. I don't manage to see it, when we are a family as he is usually busy acting out in one form or another. When we are alone, one on one, he is much calmer, and usally tries to impress me with his knowledge on various subjects. It pulls me up short, and makes me wonder how I can connect with him more on this level. But again, where is the time going to come from?

Maybe I am too serious about these different interactions. Maybe I am just too damn co-dependent in my own way. I do always manage to find time for myself, and I always know how to pamper myself. Much more then most of the women I know. This fact flies in the face of any image of the self sacrificing mom, and wife. My torture is truly mentally and emotionally, and doesn't really manifest itself in any short changing of "my time." (Except I try NOT too spend more then a few moments either reading blogs, or posting on the week-end) This only "sacrifice" I make, would make most of my friends laugh. As they know what true sacrifice is.

Will I regret this someday? Who knows. I know I feel guilty for NOT being more self sacrificing. But obviously not enough to change things......

There is an article this week, in Newsweek, in fact the cover story, called The Myth of the Perfect Mom. Why it Drives Real Women Crazy, by Judith Warner. With a related article, Moms Shouldn't be Martyrs by Anna Quindlen. Just these titles, allowed me momentarily to experience a sigh of relief. I haven't read the articles yet, as I don't want the moment to fade, with anything that it might say, that would contradict how I defined these titles.(I do plan on reading them this week-end.) You can find these artciles at www.newsweek.msnbc.com if you're interest. (Don't know if this link is going to work, until I post this, but I'll check it at that point. And correct it if necessary.)

I am hoping these articles validate my life, and relieve some of the guilt. I'll let you know. I know, what a hypocrite. I live my life as I see fit, but can't handle the guilt for my choices, and look outwardly to have it relieved. Part of me, feels I have the right to enjoy life, and some time to myself. And I have no problem taking it. So why do I continue to feel guilty? Is it just the whole closet bitch mentality? Wouldn't I be better off, standing up and embracing the bitch in me? Instead of hiding it in the closet half of the time, and be like "other mothers" self sacrificing and lovin' it.

I just can't seem to fake it good enough. It isn't me. It was my choice to have these beautiful children, so why am I not falling in to line, and fulfilling the roll of self sacrificing mommyhood? I love my babies, and I want them to be happy, healthy, contented, well-adjusted children. But I want to keep me, and who I am too. Obviously I want this more. Or, I want both. And am just bitchy enough to demand it. Now would somebody please fucking validate me! And my wayward mentality.

Well, I need to hop into the shower and get ready for the day. The guilt is already setting in, as I sit here and write this self absorbed post, I hear the vacuum running, as my overworked husband is busily cleaning up.....LOL, fuck me. I suck. And still they clamor for my attention. I can't wait until February is up, and I quit beating myself up, and succumbing to life's little mishaps.

It's time to put on my happy face, and be the mother everyone says I should be. Wish me luck....

Cat Tired! (Means dog-tired, but I'm a cat person)

2005-02-16T22:32:00.000-08:00

The day has left me drained. I am sitting here writing, even though 30 seconds ago, I had decided NOT to post tonight. This was much easier to do, back when everyone took over my responsibilites, and let me sleep in, in the morning. I have been getting up at 5:00 AM again, making lunches, reading the paper, getting the kids ready for school, and then chaufferring them around, off and on thru out the day. As well as planning and preparing dinner, and just barely trying to keep ahead of the clutter, that is part of living with children. Major culture shock!

I am going to have to find a way to cut back on time I am surfing blogs, to fit in actually posting, before it's well after 11:00 and I am too damn tired to think straight, let alone type somthing up with decent grammar, and sentence structure. I am a slow methodical thinker, so I haven't figured out how to rearrange my schedule, to where I won't end up getting into trouble for neglecting my duties. But I will, eventually.

My daughter's concert was sweet. I was very proud watching her up in front of the auditorium, singing her little heart out. We were a few minutes late, by the time the hubby got home, and had his unwind drink, and getting Riley ready to go, all the while he is bitching about how boring it's going to be.

Secretly, I was agreeing with him. It was going to be another night, where our school night routine was thrown off. I don't like that. Or I don't like the chaos it causes. So I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself getting all sentimental watching Tayler sing. Especially, just walking into the auditorium, I had my panties all in a bunch over Kevin's lack of taste.

First, before I rant on one of my pet peeves, I want to say, he is the most wonderful man I have ever known in my life. (Husband) He buys me flowers almost every week. He is even tempered, and very patient with me. If I don't feel like cooking, even after I planned out dinner, he is the first to suggest, why don't I just pick somthing up on the way home? Even though, HE is the one who worked all day at a job outside the home.

Kevin also cooks a great deal. And I don't think I have actually been THE ONE who scrubbed tile floors (I do touch ups every other day, or try to) this whole last year. HE DOES IT. I would say, he does the bulk of the laundry around here as well. And he does these things with a smile on his face. He loves it when I suggest we go out. And is totally content, to just stay home and vegetate. I am more of a homebody, I really love just being here with him. He IS my best friend. And he laughs at my jokes. (I'm not funny. I know this. And yes, I keep trying to be.)

He has never scoffed at, or got upset at, any of the clothes he sees coming thru the mail order. And there has been a lot! He loves to take mini-vacations, and if I say, hey we have the money, and I need somthing to look forward to, he's on the phone making the reservations. Every year, we go to the Tempe Governors Ball, and for the last 3 years, he has bought me a new formal. He agrees with me, that I can't wear the same one...the same people are there, they might notice. This years dress, was a whopping $240.00 (I know, it's tacky putting out prices, but it's the impact of his generosity) He comes with me to shop for it, and actually helps me hunt for the perfect dress. And heartily agreed, that THIS WAS THE ONE!

During the "kid week" he helps me every night, with the homework load. In fact, he takes the high maintenance child, and lets me spend time with my daughter one on one. Tayler is shy, and unless I get her alone, and just hang with her, she would not talk much. This time with her is vital to me. And he fights with Satans Spawn, to get the homework completed while I enjoy my daughter's company. And does so, cheerfully.

This man, is the epitome of romantic. Since we had commited to one another (dating) I have received an e-mail every single day that he works. I should say, a love letter. Always finding new ways to express his love and appreciation for me. I have 3 books of these letters he has printed out and made book folders and gave to me on Christmas or my birthday. Titled "Letters to the woman I love." My e-mail is overflowing with ones not printed out yet. I look forward to these letters everyday, when I sign on after getting the kids off to school.

When he walks thru the front door, after a hard day at the office, all I see on his face, is joy. And happiness, as he expresses how happy he is to be home with me. The latest act, that has floored me, was telling me, that if I didn't want to get a job and go back to work, well I don't have to. He wants me to do somthing that will make me happy. Whether that is get a part time job, take a few classes, whatever I want. (I like the extra spending money, so I will be searching for a part time job.)

When I am sad, or neurotic, or just plain old fashioned PMS'ed, he looks for ways to cheer me up. This man, in my opinion, is too good to be true. And he has committed himself to me, and the kids 100%. And the icing on the cake? He can eat pussy better then any man I have ever met! And does so, often, and consistently. (All right, it is the other way around, THIS is actually WHY I married him.) The rest, is the icing on the cake. I also think he has excellent taste, and style.

Now that I have set the gound work, and let all know just how much I appreciate and love this one of a kind man...I have to vent about one of the few pet peeves, that actually shocks me, under the circumstances. This man is one of the most caring, giving, loving men...it just doesn't make sense to me.

So, we pull into the the High School parking lot, more then just a couple minutes late for Tayler's concert. Of course the parking lot is full. Except; for the 8 handicapped parking spaces. I kinda put this sin up there with, oh murder! Stealing! Hit and runs....you just DON'T do it! I am automatically humiliated, embarassed, and angry. This is just the lowest of inconsideration in my book. They ticket people for this. They have done undercover news stories on the scum who would take one of these spots! and the "scum" is MY HUSBAND.

I am mortified, that he would have so little compassion, and consideration, and dare I say it, arrogance? This isn't the man I know. The man I know, would sacrifice absolutely anything for me. And for my kids. The man I know, gives to charities, generously. The man I know, goes to charity functions, and has compassion, for the working poor, the homeless, battered women and children, and rape vicitms. How can such a giving, caring, loving man, have so little regard for these special spots, set asside for the handicapped?

Granted, and he did point this out this evening, we were late, everyone who was going to be at the concert, were already there. And there were many handicapped spots left. But in my mind, this isn't the point. It's the principle of the thing! Black and white. No gray areas here. Rules are rules, and you follow them. You don't question them, or justify breaking those rules. You just follow them.

So, when we entered her concert late. And then he parked us in the handicapped spot, I was more then a little flustered. I don't get it. And I never will. And, this is NOT the first time he has done this. We have the same discussion about it, everytime he does it. Most of the time, I can talk him in to moving. But not everytime.

I, to my shame, will actually try to shame him into moving. He just chuckles. And gives me his unjustifiable justification for his actions.

But in the end, I was able to put it aside, and just enjoy my daughter's performance. Which brings me to yet another disturbing thing he does, that actually I wouldn't mind doing, but am so embarassed, that without his lead, I would not. This was 6 different school choirs perfoming. But when Tayler's was done, and she was seated with her group back in the audience, he went and fetched her, and we left. So, we got there late, parked in a no parking spot, and then got up and rudely left, before all the performers were done. (It did save me the embarssment, of anyone seeing our completley healthy family barrel in to the car parked in the handicapped spot.)

Such a total contradiction with who he is with us. And when it comes to things like this...a different man. I haven't figured him out completely, but I'm sure somewhere out there, there is a dime store, self help, psycho babble book just waiting to be read, on this very topic.

P - T - Q

Lord, grant us greater understanding and patience in differences amoung famly, friends, and nations.

"Be nice to people on your way up. They're the same people you'll pass on the way down. -Jimmy Durante (1893-1980)

What's the point living in the past if you've got to pay today's prices?

Miscellaneous Moments

2005-02-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

I learned somthing this week-end, in the down time spent with the hubby. What I learned is, don't play scrabble with an English major, or you will get your ass completely kicked. I did, and I did. It was very enlightening too, though. I learnedwhat a small and insignificant grasp I have on the English language. I was challenging HIS words left and right. Why? Because I have never heard of half the shit he pulled on that scrabble board! We couldn't find the authentic Scrabble Dictionary, so we were running back and forth to the computer, to check out his words. I was a little shocked to realize just how much my husband knew, that I had no clue about it. Like I never realized there were so many 2 letter words. That I wouldn't have even considered words. So finally he just printed out 3 sheets of them for me to cheat off of. And still he won 3 outta 4 games. He also helped me several times when I would lay down a word, proud that I had even managed to FIND one, and he would say move it here, it doubles your points....this happened a half dozen times or so. So even my one measley win, I couldn't get to excited about, certainly not enough for me to do the "in your face" victory dance, that usually the smallest of wins would have me on my feet performing.

What this little game session did do, was provide an opprotunity for the two of us to just relax, and be together. And somthing about bringing out a board game, made us sentimental about life when we were younger. And when things were simpler. So in a very real sense, we both found it therapeutic.

This was definitely a highlight of the week-end alone. We also did a shopping trip to the mall. Where I helped him pick out 4 dress shirts and two new ties. I actually got him to buy a pink dress shirt, with a tie that had some pink in it, with grey. We both unfortunately get a real thrill outta shopping. This could be dangerous, and has been on ocassion. But we both were feeling kinda beat up from the week, so this too was therapeutic. Due to the back injury, and a minor setback after said activity, sex has been OFF of the menu now for almost a month. (ya, I know, that explains the board game that hasn't been taken out of the box in YEARS.)

We have had to search for other ways to connect, until my back is back to normal. I think this has made us both a tad on edge. Me, more so than him. (in my opinion) Before we brought out the board game, we had a disaggreement going, on who missed it more. I won on a technicality. Beeing 41, biologically, I'm in my sexual prime. His had passed according to science a good 38 years ago. Although he did argue, that because the injury was mine, I was in no shape to be missing it anyway. And this is when we knew we needed to find somthing to play toegether, other then fighting over the non existent sex.

We did test out the waters last night, and with not too much pain, this morning. Although we do not intend to tempt fate too much, until after Friday's appt. In one way, this has been good for us. Well, maybe just me. I didn't realize just how much it means to me, until I was unable to. And on the week that we do not have the kids, well that is usually the unspoken date nights. And even putting aside the obvious, the natural pleasure of doing so. The connection that I feel with my husband, when we make love....it is somthing that prior to him I never really knew. And now I know, I don't want to lose it! (New motivation for working hard in physical therapy)

The kids came back Sunday night. Which after usually a week without them, ends up being a little bit of culture shock. Probably for them, as much as us. So we're back into full swing of, "kids week." Starting with a hectic monday to say the least. My kids showed up Sunday night with Valentines cards and gifts for me. So I grinned and beared it; knowing that monday while they were in school, I was going to have to venture out, and reciprocate.

I had to do dreaded Valentines Day shopping, at the last minute, and against my will. This went against all of my personal beliefs. But the one thing that can do that, is kids. I could not disappoint them, and accept their gifts of love, and not give them "gifts of love." bleh

So monday night was a chaotic circus, of getting dinner on, and homework done, and V-day gift giving, and running to drop Tayler off at Girlscouts, after hunting down her Girl Scout Cookie sheet to turn in. By the way, anyone wanna buy some Girl Scout Cookies? (I hate this time of year, the list just goes on and on) I think little girls should not be out on the streets peddling cookies in this day and age. Because of this belief, I usually end up stuck with a good 20 boxes of those cookies, that I used to enjoy. I still have 4 or 5 in the pantry left over from last year. I couldn't give those damn things away! (which reminds me, clean out pantry, dump cookies, to make room for new cookies)

And when all was said and done, Riley lost his first molar. We made a big deal outta that, with the lets put the tooth in a cup of water on your nightstand for the toothfairy bit. She will bring you money!!! WEEEE! I have been known to forget the tooth on the nightstand, and then have to make up a phone call to the tooth fairy bitching her out, for not showing up and disappointing my child. But I was proud of myself, I remembered this time.

I very quietly took the cup with that digusting little tooth in it, and replaced it with a 5 dollar bill. (Hey, it was all I had. no singles...) I thought this would work well for waking him up in the morning. Riley would normally want to sleep in. So getting an angry child outta bed, to go to school (which he doesn't like) is not an easy task. And there has been many a war over it. But now I had the tooth fairy excitement to distract him with. So I did see a bonus in this whole process. (I'm always looking for the two birds to kill with one stone)

Waking him up the next morning, with kisses and excitedly saying "It looks like the tooth fairy showed up last night!" did not turn out exactly as planned. His smug little comment (which he obviusly had gotten up in the night and seen it) was, " What kind of a parent gives there kid a 5 dollar bill for a tooth! Military school is lookin' better and better. Try as I might, I will never understand this high maintenance child. I no longer get hurt by his snide comments, not do I let them slide. But since they happen with some regularity around here, I have become rather calloused to their affect on me. I am trying to be the patient mother...but I have to admit, there are times I lift up a prayer, thanking God for joint custody. And this was one of those times. Unfortunately due to the Holiday on Monday, I get my little bundle of joy and extra night and day. (Its my turn)

My daughter Tayler, is her brothers opposite. She truly is a joy for the most part. And does her homework without having to even ask her to. She will wander into the kitchen, and do the dishes. And she is always gracious, in her dealings with me and her step father. I don't think I would do the 72 hour countdown, if little Riley were more like her. I know Riley is responsible for at least half of the grey hair I have.

Tayler did announce that she has a Choir concert Wed. night, and I need to have her there by 4:50 PM. And by the way mom, do you know where my black pants are? Just reciting all this is making me tired, and looking at tomorrow's " to do" list. Family life, has so many blessings, I just wish I had more energy, to enjoy all these blessings.

The Curse of February ( Part 2 )

2005-02-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a week-end bascially filled with just me and the hubby hanging out together, TRYING to stay outta harms way, and have some quality time, as we count down to the end of this month.

Somehow, or some way, I have seemed to have lost my motivation to convince anyone who would listen, that yes, I AM cursed in this month. Unequiv0cally, without a doubt, CURSED. Do I still believe it with every fiber of my being? Yes. But the need to be heard, and validated on this point, just seems useless. It won't change "life" from happening to me, in the great abundance that it does, in this month for lovers. So I am getting cloudy as to why I feel the need to proclaim it from the mountain tops.

And that is not the only thing that is getting cloudy. My memories of incidences from each February, are getting cloudier, and cloudier. So as I was trying to piece together these memories, and drawing some blanks, it dawned on me this isn't such a bad thing. And that maybe, after this post, and logging the rest of whatever events that may happen this month, I should try and let go of the past.

We are not supposed to live in the past. And keeping a tally of all the perceived injustices that were thrust upon me, (or those whom I love) in this particular month, is really counterproductive, to contented living. And living contentedly, and thankfully is exactly what I should be doing. And manage to do, happily 11 months out of the year.

I have so much I should be thankful for, and am. But for some reason, all my logic, goes out the proverbial window, when I enter into the month of February. And honestly, this may never change. But I am going to try to do one thing, and that is to let go of the past. It's possible, if I am still here blogging one year from now, there will be more rants about the cursed month, but only in regards to February 2006. I don't have to relive, every February past, as I experience the current one. Which if truth be told, probably adds to the "bad karma", of the present February.

Maybe, if I wan't busy reliving all of the past Febs.; the circumstances of the present Feb. would be more manageable, both in actions, and emotions. So it's along this thread, that I will recount only those that I can remember, for the last time.

The Febs. that are left in my mind now, would be put in that list of things, that I call significant, life altering,ramdom accidents, and crisis. The chaotic Febs.? Well honestly, this is just life happening, but what seems like large doses of it, overwhelming me. And now, trying to look back on those with any real detail, I can't do it. and I'm sure that I am not supposed to.

During my marragie to hubby #2, there were a few Febs. that stand out. The year, that I think was our first V-day together, and he brought me home a plant. Looking at the facts, there is absolutely nothing wrong in this. Except when you add the history that goes with it. I had a hint, while we were dating, that this was a man who didn't have a clue about romance. We were dating, and I fell down a flight of stairs, with my baby in my arms. (I slipped, and I do that often) This landed me in the Emergency room, where I recieved a neck brace, pain pills, and instructions to rest for a few days. The baby was fine. I protected him all the way down the stairs. Which is why I wasn't able to balance myself on the way down. And my boyfriend (husband to be) brought me a plant, and a get well soon card. This was by the way his very first gift to me. It took me exactly 72 hours to kill that poor little innocent plant. A new record actually. So, it was somthing we "joked" about during the courting phase of our relationship.

After we were married, it took me a little over three weeks to realize I had in a very real sense, made a mistake. We did not connect as husband and wife. The joys I had hoped marraige would bring to my life, weren't there. I grew up with parents who worked and fought hard, to keep their relationship the number one priority in their lives. My parents were each others best friend. They "played" together. They genuinely found joy, and fun in each others company. And they ALWAYS put time aside, to get away, and revisit their romance. I assumed, MY marraige would have these same essential traits.

I knew when we were dating, that there was this big hole in our intimacy, that somthing was blatantly missing. But I had pushed aside my reservations, and had chalked it up to the fact, that we had not slept together. My husband to be, was 28 years old, and a virgin. He was very religous, and had been saving himself for marraige. This was very admirable, and I may have been tempted to lie, and say I was too, saving myself for marraige. Problem was, the baby on my hip, woulda been extremely hard to explain. He remained a virgin until our wedding night. (And he almost remained one then; a post for another time, titled The Wedding night from Hell)

It was not from lack of trying that he kept his precious virginity.(I know, this makes me evil, and if we didn't have a forgiving God, doomed to Hell) I tried every slut teasing trick to get that man in the sack. I talked him into showering with me, which he did, but only after I promised to keep my bright blue satiny panties on thru out. I broked that promise within 60 seconds. But he stayed strong. This mans first every blow-job, was when he was captive behind the wheel of his car, driving down a backroad headed towards the beach. (Dangerous I know. But when you're young and evil....) I talked dirty to him, put his hands in places that would have had all the men I dated prior to him, ready, willing and able. But his will was strong, even when I saw the desire written all over his face, and other places.

It is for this reason, I assumed, that once we were married, I would have those parts of a relationship, that were everything to me. While we were in Hawaii on our honeymoon, I decided on the excuse for this lack of any real initmacy was due to playing tourist. That when we got back to our own home, he would become this man I desparately needed. This soulmate, best friend, lover who delighted in spending time with me, laughing and growing closer. This never materialized. Thru counseling, and endless nights of trying to get him to communicate with me. Trying to get him to just love me in the way I needed. I never gave up, trying to get what I needed. (Another post for another time)

So on this first Valentines Day as man and wife, and he handed me another plant to kill, I couldn't help myself. I felt so empty, disappointed, and alone. This man would not have known romance if it jumped up and popped him hard on the nose. So I was as gracious as I could be, setting the plant on the mantle, and thanking him. This plant lived a whole month. I tried hard to keep it alive....plants just don't like me.

Valneintes Day #2 as man and wife, I was trying proactively to build intimacy in our marraige. I didn't want to give up. Rick was a wonderful father, who had just adopted my now 2 yr old son. He took his job as dad seriously. (I think far more seriously, then he ever managed to take our marraige) But here again, if truth be told, I married him with the thought of what a wonderful father he would make to my son, who needed a father. I got what I went after in this. Rick and my sons relationship was a good one. He had the father I had very much wanted for him.

So on V-day #2 I had been reading the book The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan. Think The Stepford Wives. This isn't a joke. That is what I now in retrospect think she was advocating. But I was willing to try anything. She talked about sex too, and what we should be doing for our man. How we should try and meet his every need, and not bore him with details of our tedious lives. He worked hard, we needed to cater to his whims. So on V-day, I devised a plot to win his heart completely. I went out, and rented a harem girl costume, made reservations at this really nice Mexican Resturaunt (where we had our 1st date, and was his favorite place) I bought him a new dress shirt and tie and wrapped them up meticously. And when he came home from work, I was in harem costume, ready to take him out to dinner, where I hand fed HIM his whole meal, and referred to him as master all evening. I managed to put smiles on his face (and he ate up the whole master thing) but I still came away feeling empty inside. I can't think of this now, without cringing.

I think it was around there, that I basically put aside all feelings and expectations, about V-day, and our marraige.

Quite a few years later, (and a few long term affairs on the side) I was working one V-day, swingshift. I usually volunteered this holiday. My husband also worked in the same pharmacy, and was working the day shift that day. So I told him to drive safe, as he left for the day. He was well aware by now, how depressing I found this holiday. So as he headed home, instead of turning right onto the freeway, he went straight, as he was going to get me a bouquet of flowers for V-day. Because of this, he was hit head on by a drunk driver. (Had he turned onto the freeway, instead of trying to buy flowers, this would not have happened.) So he ended up in the ER, with only minor injuries. But his car was totaled, and my shift was over. Said drunk driver, also had no insurance. It was all so very traumatic at the time.

Each Feb. had its own unique traumas, and crisis. A good deal of which I cannot remember today. I do know that my 2nd divorce, was also final in February. And that month was truamatic for my young children, which I had put into counseling, to help them deal with all the changes to their young little lives, between the divorce, and moving to AZ away from extended family. The next Feb. that held trauma that is still very fresh in my mind, was 2003. My 56 year old mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer in December of 2002. On February 14th, 2003 my mother went in for a double mastectomy, as well as having one of her lymphnodes removed. February 2002 she had been diagnosed with severe Osteoporosis (I spelled that wrong, sorry) but had been able to remain optimistic, about still living a full life. Feb 2003 also held the news that my cousin's wife, who is 45 this year, had her Uterine cancer come back, and had spread to a good deal of her organs. This was devestating to all family. She is one of the most sweetest, fun, optimistic women I have ever known. We had grown fairly close before I had moved to AZ. And part of me felt guilty for moving away, when the news came. She has clung to life, and lived life, in these last stages of cancer, with more grace and dignity, then I have ever heard of in a cancer patient.

She has truly lived, as the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dying spoke of. She bought a jet ski, she has used more then a few times, remained secretary of the Yacht Club, kept up with the group of women she did morning walks with. Kept her garden beautiful.And struggled hard to remain vital in her teens' lives. As of now, they will no longer administer the chemo they were giving her, strictly for maintenance purposes. And she goes in about every 5 weeks, to have the fluid drained off of both her lungs. And she has not allowed this to alter her life and routine. Well, not much anyway. I know the fatigue gets to her on ocassion, and she is now skin and bones. But this next Thursday, has her hopping a plane with her husband and children to go to Hawaii. She is at the point now, where I try to remember her in prayer regularly. I know she wants this vacation tremendously. And has set up, in Hawaii for treatment there, while they are on the island.

That February, 2003 especially sucked. Now I know that these things very well could have happned any month. But it wasn't any month, it was February. I think this was the year my father broked down, and agreed that yes, February is cursed.

Bascially for all the years that passed, I remember very little of the repercussions of the curse. And now I am going to put this all behind me. All but February 2005, and whatever it may hold for the next 14 days. Each day left, I am going to lift up a thankful prayer, naming a special blessing in my life, and thanking God for it. This may or may not heal me emotionally, or free me of the fear, but it definetely couldn't hurt.

So on this retail day of lovers, I wish you a blessing,and love (be it the love of a child, special pet,parents, close friend, or lover) that you are thankful for in your life.

Another Day, Another Mishap

2005-02-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

I need a break from dwelling on the Curse of February's past. Just couldn't summon the brain power to complete it. And, I am pissed off! I really tried hard today, to set aside my hang-ups on February. And to get some things done.

The Ex asked me to take the kids tonight so he could go to some pharmacist convention dinner thing in Phoenix. And since I am hitting him up for a few dates to take the kids in March, I willingly agreed. (We each take the kids a week on, week off) So I thought I would make the evening special, and I baked a German Chocolate cake. It turned out beautifully if I do say so myself. It's hard not to slice off a HUGE peice and eat myself sick! The only thing stopping me, is it really does look all pretty, without a peice missing from it. So, I'll wait.

The kids love my meatloaf so I whipped up three of them. The hubby likes meatloaf sandwiches, so there will be plenty even after dinner. I went and got some major grocery shopping done today too. $200.00 later.....and I'm thinkin I need to RE think what it is we eat! That could have been a couple of new outfits (kidding, sort of)

Still trying to change my outlook.... Safeway had the most beautiful tulips out! I got a red group, pink, and kind of a bright pink and white mixed. And with it actually raining here in Mesa, I thought it would cheer up the house. I spent an hour putting together 3 vases of the tulips, mixing the colors. And I actually smiled at how they brightened both the diningroom and livingroom.

I was just finishing up cleaning the kitchen from the baking and cooking, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, when the damn faucet literally popped off! The solid stream shot right up into my face, splashing water everywhere and soaking the hell outta me! I called Kevin and told him what happened, and he, bless his heart is handling this one! In other words the plumber will either be out tonight or tomorrow. If I didn't know better, I would think I was having an affair with the plumber. As this will be his 3rd (count 'em) time out to our house in the last 6 days! We haven't seen him for almost a year, and now 3 times in one week. Did I mention that it's February?

First let me say, that the plumber, is kinda a jack of all trades. It doesn't matter what goes wrong, or needs fixing, we call him. His work is top notch, and he is far more affordable then most plumbing corps. So he was scheduled to come out to the house on Saturday. As the water softener attached to the water heater started leaking all over. Pissed off about that, I told him I just wanted the damn thing removed. It is just somthing else that needs maintenanced on a regular basis, and now is broken. I felt I would save hassle and money in the long run, just putting up with the desert hard water. At the same time, the dryer went haywire. The laundry room was filling up with heat, whenever it was on, and the dryer was getting WAY too hot. So I had my ducks in a row, calling him out to fix TWO things. Friday night though, the washer broke mid cycle, and water was leaking all over from under it.(By the way, all said appliances are exactly 2 yrs old, this shouldn't be happening!) So another phone call in to Colson, so he would be prepared, because his list of things to fix, was now up to 3. Colson spent most of Saturday here with me the kids and Kevin. On the upside, all three only cost $190.oo to fix! (I'm trying to find the silver lining here)

We bid Colson farewell around 5:00 PM. By 6:00 PM the toilet in the master bedroom started leaking all over. The tank just kept filling up, and wouldn't stop. I played with it, Keving played with it....it just wouldn't cooperate. So we called Colson again! He was back out around 11:00 AM on SUNDAY. Yes, I said SUNDAY! Everybody knows, you do your best to NOT call a plumber out on Sunday. Even Colson, is going to charge more on a Sunday! He was with us for a few hours on Sunday, as the insides of the toilet were shot and needed to be rebuilt. (or whatever it is plumbers do to it.) All I know is he had some kinda caulking glue gun, and had all the peices spread out all over the floor. And that bill, $120.00 I guess since it was Sunday it could have cost more then what he charged us. So now the tally of things breaking down is up to 4.

This evenings mishap, I have no idea, what thats gonna cost. I do know it brings the tally of broken items to 5. And it looks like we are making Colson's car payement this month.

I can handle having to deal with repairs of odds and ends, on ocassion. But give me an fucking break! This is just off the wall! That 5 things would go on the fritz in 1 weeks time???

Well Kevin just called. Colson is on his way over. So, I will have him working on the sink, with my meatloafs sitting out, and a cake. Gee, I wonder if I should invite him to dinner. He's here as much as any other family member. And within 45 minutes the kids should be barreling thru the front door too. With the Ex in tow. Did I mention that this is PMS week? I think women during PMS week, should not have to deal with anything out of the ordinary, during their special time.

Unfortunately the February curse is ruthless. It takes no prisoners. And the only goal, to drive me to the brink of insanity. Either with catastrophe's regarding myself, or those I love. Or just by chipping away at me, with minor mishaps, coming in torrents. Unrelentless mishaps, one right after another. I think, and actually I would rather, February come with the minor mishaps. And usually after one really bad catastrophe, the following year will be more mionor mishaps. 2004 was the family crisis, and actually two of them, almost simultaneously. So I am due for just constant chaos this year. And to date, that is what has been happening.

But I am going to put that aside, or try to. I would like to spend a quiet evening with my children and my husband. Without anything else going wrong. Just a calm, uneventful, boring evening at home with the family. That's all I want. Really. And I promise to feel blessed. Well, for the evening anyway.

Intermission

2005-02-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

OK, it seems that I didn't communicate that well about February being cursed. Which is why I really didn't want to break it into two parts. But my penchant for tedious detail is just far too strong, to make it one post. I have received a few e-mails hinting at "maybe I am being just too darn shallow about Valentines day." This is about February being cursed. Not just that intrepid Holiday.

Unfortunately my attention to detail does not succeed, where the memory has slipped. In other words, I cannot remember ALL of the little nasty details of February, from days gone past. Not that I am excusing this sorry excuse for a "Holiday." It sucks, plain and simple. This is a day that takes a magnifying glass to people's loneliness, and makes them painfully aware of their status as single. Alone. For a full 24 excruciating hours.(And yes, I am aware not everyone feels this way, who is single. This is my personal opinion, not just based on my personal experience by the way. But by those of some of my single friends as well.) The air reeks on this oh so special day, of an attitude of "WHO loves you?" And where is the monetary proof of it? And we, who are married, a lot of times perpetuate this, by flashing "the goods" in our officemates, friends, and loved ones faces. Those who's desks lay bare of flowers, candy boxes, etc.

As I have aged, this in some ways has become less prevalent. And singles are more pro active then in the decades of past. The womens movement, shows like "Sex and the City", even dating sites online, all celebrate singledom. And I'm all for it! I just don't see why we need to take a day, and demand our spouses, boyfriends, significant others and partners run out and spend money to up the sales of flower shops, candy shops, and card companys. It is rediculous. And I have for many years now, put a moratorium on any such behavior on this day. Much to both of my last two husbands delight. The pressure is off. They don't have to find that perfect somthing or other to make me feel special and loved. I make me feel special. And they did/tried as well 364 other days a year.

So I ask, as I write here in my personal blog, to please hold the judgements, about my total shallow attitude as I write about childhood, teenage and early adult attitudes toward Valentines days gone past. I don't apologize for them either. They helped shape who I am today, and I like who that is. Wrong, right, deep or shallow.

And, on a lighter note, I received this e-mail from my adorable husband, whom yes, I have convinced as well, that February is cursed. (And done so not by my attitudes, but by the sheer number of mishaps that happen horribly, in this month) One other side note, I have g/f's who are born in Feb. whom I celebrate their special day with. February is only cursed for me. Some friends have even named other months, where they say, they hit the wall due to circumstances that pile up during their "cursed month".

OK, let me first explain, that my adorable husband, is a top executive, at a big company. He dresses impeccably. (I have the dry cleaning bill to prove it) Once actually in January he came home from a long day at the office, and unloaded the normal stuff of his day. We were chatting amicably, when I looked down at his feet, and saw he was wearing two black dress shoes, NOT the same style. He had gone completely thru his day unaware he was wearing different shoes. I can't even imagine the snickers that may have played out, as underlings noticed their boss, wearing two different shoes. I know personally I would have had a hey day with it!!!

So here is this mornings e-mail from my Knight in Shining Armour:

Subject :
February curse

Inbox
February struck again today.
I left the house, got your smokes, then head for work at 6:10. I get to the
garage after a fairly easy drive at 6:30. I get out, glance down at my
feet--and see I wore a black shoe and a brown shoe.
For a second I contemplated trying to make it through the day that way, but
fortunately, I could hear you in my mind saying, Are Your CRAZY??
So I went back home, got the right shoes, and spent in all another hour and
15 minutes on the road.
I love you babe.
I need a hug.
Your hug.

I realize, that to some, this would seem like a small thing, really. And it is. What you will see in part two, is that it is a consistent string of "small things" that adds up to a straight jacket and padded cell.

I guess what I am doing here, is purging myself of somthing that in years past, I have been completely neurotic about. That I allowed these things to steal my humor and my joy out of 28 days. I would sink into depression and fear, literally allowiing "the curse" to control me completely. My mother would often console me, with the only thing she could think to say, when faced with the myriad of mishaps; she would say, "Cheer up Tamber, at least February IS the shortest month of the year."And I applaud her for trying....

The Curse of February ( Part 1 )

2005-02-09T01:02:00.000-08:00

In retrospect, I believe the curse started oozing its way into my life, all the way back in kindergarten. It was the first sign (albeit small and subtle) that the month of February was not my friend. In fact, it was an enemy, established to drive me to the brink of insanity. And there have been several February's over the years, that nearly succeeded in doing it.

That February in 1968 (kindergarten year), I remember working so hard to complete each and every little Valentine day card for my classmates. And, as anyone with kids can attest to, it can take a good while for a 5 yr old to write out their name on each little Valentine card. But, as my obsessive/compulsive traits were well on their way to being firmly ingrained, along with my perfectionistic view on things, I was going to go one better. So I set about to the task of putting each calssmates name on the envelope. This took me hours!! the night before the party. I painstakingly worked to be as neat as possible. I was exausted by the time my head hit the pillow. But ready for my very first Valentine Day party!

The problem is, that finding each classmates gigantic heart shaped scribbled on envelope, with their names messily put somewhere on it, took time. In fact it took the whole damn party for me to make my way thru half of my cards. Treats sat uneaten on my desk, classmates chatted, laughed and had fun, while I toiled away at getting them their frickin' cards!!! Party ended, and I was sent home, only half way thru my task. Mrs. F had me just put the remainder on my desk, to "give the kids the following monday." I cried the whole 3 blocks home, and then again, when mom asked me what was wrong. The following monday of course, had me hunting high and low for the remainder of cards, that I learned years later, the janitor had tossed in the garbage when he cleaned up our classroom. Yes, this was my first taste of depression associated with February, AND Valenintes Day.

And it was by no means my last. Although my memories of early Feb's have dimmed with the years, the tone was usually the same. My beautiful, blonde bubbly cheerleader sister, was overwhelmed in H.S. with various Valentines, usually coming from various boys. ( We were only a year and a half apart in age, so the sibling rivalry thing was always a part of day to day life.) In this area Trina always won hands down. I would usually do my best to stay away from her, during this excruciating time of year. It always seemed, I was not dating anyone during V day. Not that that ever affected Trina's ability to rack in the loot. She was bubbly and outgoing. I was more quiet, and reserved. (at school only) She was a cute little 5'4" I was a looming 5'10" She had blonde bouncy hair, I was brunette. (my penchant for blonde jokes were often fueled by my adorable little sister) I know it had little to do with looks, because my sister had overheard the neighbor ladies discussing the two of us with mom, and the consensus was that Tamber had got the beauty. So that brings us to what? shitty personality? too damn tall? too shy? Whatever it was, I spent far too much time analyzing why the opposite sex had failed to live up to any expectations I may have wanted, regarding Valentines Day.

So this brings me in to "the adult years." Where lets just say, I learned how to be much more outgoing, and flirtatious. And had been taught (with the aid of an uncooked hot dog) by one of my sluttier girlfriends, how to give a blow job. Like any task I set out to learn, I wanted to be the best. This she said, would enable me to keep the boyfriend, without giving away my virginity. I was soon dating from H.S. the very popular and rich (if daddy's money counts!) Brett. He drove a MG convertible, which to an 18 yr old girl was impressive. (Not condusive with necking in though. or other more intimate activities) We quit seeing each other in the middle of January. ( The cheap prick!) Which gave me two things to mourn in Feb. Breaking up, and no valentines, yet again. So much for the lessons.

The following Feb. found me with hubby #1. Who had assured me after my tales of woe reagrding this gloomy "holiday" that he was going to make it my best! And he did. I received every form of Valentine you could think of. Candy, flowers, cards, a gold necklace, and 4 foot tall heart, he covered in tin foil and wrote a love letter on. (Corny, but I finally had realized my dreams of a romantic V-day.) The problem? I also received what was the first of many beatings. I am not going to go into the gory details, other then to say, that on Feb. 15th I had 2 black eyes, and various bruises all over my face, neck and arms. This pretty much made the rest of Feb. a hazy depression, that had me walking around like a zombie in The Dawn of the Dead.

The following February found me signing the divorce papers. Which I guess at this point didn't really matter. The depression of divorce tinged many months that year. Although I have the clear memory of the divorce being final that month.

My memories of the years to come are much more clear. And vivid in their detail. And did end up making each member of my family a believer (although they deny it once Feb is over) in the month that was/is cursed. As well as any close friends that were the audience for my misery.

But as I headed thru the end of 1984, I had discovered the "I don't need a boyfriend/husband thing to make me happy. So I was already steeling myself for the coming 1985 Feb. Working hard to brainwash myself into making Feb, just another month.....

Some New Blogs! & Unedited Ramblings

2005-02-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

I have found a few more blogs that I am very excited about! So, as mentioned in previous posts, and whining, since I have yet to figure out how to add them on the side of my posts, Im going to tell about them here.

First is http://dayatbeach.blogspot.com/ I am very excited about finding Sis! She is a 30 somthing married housewife, with 4 kids, and 4 cats! A cat lover who is married, with children! I am already enjoying e-mails to and from her. I find a kinship in the similarities of our lives, and her down to earth, warm writing. I am very much looking forward to "getting to know her" better, and read about her day to day interests and activities. And being able to relate with her on life as mom. And sis, even your instructions on adding to the template had my mind bloggled....but I am going to keep reading yours and what blogger says until it sinks in!

Next, another one I was extremly happy to run across was http://www.zamonline.blogspot.com/zam2.htm She is an absolutely wonderful writer! And I love her web site design. Her posts kept me reading until I was thru a good deal of them. I gather that she is single,(I think. I better go back and re-read some stuff.) and she has a brother whose quotes are funny and a lot of fun to read in the comment section as well!

Both gals would/will be on my favorites list as soon as I can figure out HOW to put one on. (I know I'm sounding like a broken record. I'm slow at this computer stuff, but eventually I will get it!) Go and check them out!

Actually, these blogs were what I most wanted to post today, and I've done it. Any minute now, my calm quiet day will end, and my kids will be coming thru the door, demanding snacks! (They are with their father this week, but I like Robby (20 yr old son) to bring the kids over on his way to dropping Tayler off at Girl Scouts. I also have a huge bag of oranges from one of our orange trees for the GS leaders family I wanted him to pick up.

Followed my my adorable husband who should be coming in from work anytime. I try not to blog when he is home in evenings, because we get so little time together on work nights. I'll miss football season for one reason. It gave me time to read blogs, and post while he watched the games. There will be a little adjustment not having part of Sunday to myself for blogging. Although I love when we get time uninterrupted!

Today's P - T - Q

Prayer: Lord, help us to believe in ourselves, so that we can move forward with a postive attitude. And thank you for blessing us with strength, hope and courage.

Thought: Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study. Be a student so long as you still have somthing to learn, and this will mean all your life. - Henry Doherty, American businessman and utlilities expert (1870-1939)

Quip: Marriages may be made in heaven, but the only repair shops are on Earth.

Are they making Dr.'s younger or am I getting? nevermind.

2005-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

I had my first epidural cortisone injection on Friday morning. They said it would take approximately 24 hours for me to notice a difference. And I DID notice a difference. After the continous pain of the last 3 weeks or so (the days kinda ran together) I was euphoric! The level of pain has dropped dramatically! I was astounded! Excited! Happy! Cautious. I don't want to ever be in that much pain again! Next shot is scheduled in two weeks. And I should start physical therapy sometime after that.

I want to thank my homegirls Jackie and Jenny, for coming to visit me when I got back on friday. It was wonderful to just hang out and chat for a while. The roses too were gorgeous! I do thank God for having such a wonderful, supportive group of friends. You girls are abso-f_cking-lutely the BEST!

I have to admit though, when I went to get that procedure done I was down right child-like afraid! It was scary, laying on my stomache, awake, in a surgery room, with oxygen shoved in my nose, and an IV out one arm, and some weird thinga-majiggy stuck to my finger (what I assume was reading my pulse?) And knowing they were coming at me, with needles to stick into my neck and back area. I have to admit to some petrified praying!

Prior to entering the intimidating surgical room, I was in the recovery/prep room, waiting to see my Knight in Shining Armour (aka; pain specialist, doctor extrordinaire) OK, actually my husband is my knght in shining armour, but this man was going to get me outta pain!! That rates pretty f-ing high! And I find this uncomfortable to admit, but he looks so YOUNG! Not necessarily Doogie Howser young. But geeze! It's hell when we start getting older, and these prefessionals who service our lives in one form or another look so damn young!

What was worse, is he was devastatingly handsome to boot! Here I am, feeling at my absolute worst, (and looking pretty much the same as that) and in walks tall dark and handsome. "Goodmorning Tamber, how are we feeling today?" Me: uhhhhhh, I've been a lot better......This "doctor" has the looks of a model! I am not exaggerating! (On ocassion, I can be prone to one from time to time) But this was not one of them. He was tan, with dark hair, deep set eyes, chiseled features, tall. And very warm eyes, that made me very warm. (I'm married, not dead!)

This was my second meeting with Dr. tall, dark and handsome, and I very MUCH wanted to put on the full set of make-up. But feeling like shit......well, and the fact that my husband scowled when I said maybe I ought to put some make-up on....he isn't blind either....and knew exactly what might motivate me to feel the need to look my best. I sighed and skipped it. But I made sure to put on that special outfit. (we all have one) You know the one that says comfortable casual, (and loose fitting, due to unfortunate procedure instructions) but soft, feminine, and EXPENSIVE. I don't own a lot of said outfits, cashmere sweaters don't really fit in to my lifestyle, and budget, but cha gotta have one! And I do, and I did.

Now this has nothing to do with wanting Dr. Gorgeous, and even thinking I could possibly turn his head. And I don't even want to. I have Mr. Perfect already, I married him. And I also find Mr. Perfect extremely handsome, sexy, magnetic, etc...What this has to do with, is, when one is confronted with such dynamic, intimidating, good looks, and one has to actually converse with said male specimen, one wants to possess every bit of confidence that one can muster up. And with women, we bring in the big guns! That special outfit, that maticulously applied make-up application, that says we know who we are, and we can be at ease with anyone anywhere. (yes, I realize that isn't true in every situation, but this is our self image on the line here) Or mine anyway. And it's bad enough I am in pain, and looking like death warmed over. In my case, all I could bring in was "the outfit" and I did. I am getting "older", and I am married, but I am far from dead, and I wanted that much to show. Dr. Gorgeous took me outta some pain, and is going to finish the job. At least I can be respectably, aesthetically pleasing. And I think I minimally pulled it off, minus the make-up. But, I do have another appt. in two weeks.....;-)

Random Thinking

2005-02-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

Today I have been all over, blog reading. There are so many different types of blogs, and so many blogs, it's mind boggling. And just the small number of blogs I have read to date, vary from specialized topics, to story telling, to "on the job insights" to day to day life. And more still on just the random inner thoughts of people. To almost a confessional, somewhere that different bloggers are dumping their "dirty laundry". Blogs on the lives or prostitutes/call girls, addicts, recovering addicts, sex blogs, religous blogs, mommy blogs, political blogs, psychological blogs, students of philosophy, you get the picture. And I am sure most are already aware of it. My question/thought is, did most who started a blog, did they have a plan for it? Do they know what they wanted to put into writing? Was there a game plan? Did it just evolve, when they sat down at the computer? Is each post plotted out, technically put together?

A small part of why I was wondering these things, came when a very popular blogger http://Tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com/ (whom I have voted for on a bloggers award thingy by the way, she is really that GREAT!) left a note in another blog, that I read daily http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ (whom I always enjoy reading as well) about the # of times she posts now, and used to; and why she wrote. Or more to the point WHO she wrote for. Herself, or her wide array of readers. I guess that would be part of my question as well. She answered these questions for herself, and has acted on it accordingly.

WHY, am I here? Am I doing it to gain readers? Am I doing it for myself? And what was so fascinating about this whole blogging experience? And it is fascinating to me. Not just writing one of my own, but reading others. And if truth be told, I spend much more time reading others, then I spending writing this one. ( LOL. I know, it probably shows too)

Admittedly, I have spent much more time then I normally would, or probably will in the future. I fell into this, approximately around the same time I started dealing with back problems that pretty much had me housebound. So my normal schedule was put on hold ( the slack being picked up by both my present husband, and my Ex-husband) The Ex taking over with all the kid errands and chauffeuring, and my husband taking over inside the house, cooking,laundry, etc. This left me time to just try and heal at home...and explore this whole blogging phenomena.(Which means I am probably over thinking this whole thing)

But since I have started one, and I still don't know what I want to do with it......I haven't filled out the part of the first page that most put a small paragraph giving a brief description of what it is, and where it's going....I haven't filled it out, because I didn't know. And I still don't think my ramdom thoughts are going to come to some conclusion now. I have put probably way more thought into it then I should. (But I have definitely had the time)

I have thought, well a journal is good, like a diary. Somewhere to just organize my life in words, and I guess go over it. Or do I want to try and write entertaining stories based on my experiences. (this would be a real stretch for me) How about a dumping ground from my speckled past? And do I really want to put it in words, that it could possibly even remotely come back to haunt me. (I do have 3 kids ranging in age from 9 to 20. And parents, whom I defintely would not want to know the gory details of the past) The only thing I DID know, was that I didn't want it to be a mommy blog. I love my children, and the biggest part of my life, is that of mommy. The way I saw it, it wouldn't be for me anymore then. (Not that I have anything against mommy blogs, I have two such blogs I read daily and enjoy)

So that is the dilemma, I am wrestling with, and why I haven't come to fill in a description. I don't have one yet. I thought it would just evolve naturally, and maybe it is, and I'm not seeing it. But I don't think so. My posts kinda bounce around. From stories, to quotes, to like here, thoughts. I did think, or maybe tried to justify the amount of time I have spent here, that it could improve my writing skills, I could learn more about how to navigate around on this computer, and the technical side of weblogs. Pasting different things in. I did order and get the CD-ROM learning blogger (with Molly E. Holzschlag, her website, http://www.molly.com ) which I plan on spending time looking at and learning this week-end with the guidance of my husband. So I had this whole positive practical side to the reasoning of why I should blog.

But if truth be told, that isn't the motivator, for why I click on to my favortie blog sites, and continually explore more. I don't know if you would call it voyeurism in the sense of looking in to so many different people's lives. A desire for some sense of deeper connections? (Then the everyday small talk we make in our lives) Or is it just as simple as I enjoy reading. Which I do.....
You end up getting to know these people you have never met, and who don't know you exist. Oh well, eventually I'll figure out my motivation....

So now, what I would like, is those few who did read my site, if you could comment on some of my questions. (ie; did you have a plan when you started your site? Did it just evolve? WHY did you start blogging?)

And for my homegirls Shelly, Lori, Jenny, Vickie, and Jackie.....what way would you explain my type of posts? And which way do you think I should take the site? Just curious....and confused (as usual, lol)

I would also take this opportunity to thank Jenny and Jackie for your get well mails, and your prayers, and just your support when I was really down this last week. I love you both!And Lori and Shelly, I would love to hear from you (catch me up on the latest; gossip and what you're up to) This housebound crap is gettin' old! Lunch next week??? Send me a mail, if you don't want to comment "online" ;-)

Today's P - T - Q from www.azcentral.com

Prayer : Lord help us keep our thoughts and actions focused on You for guidance to do what needs to be done. Amen

Thought : Mediocrity can talk, but it is for genius to observe. Benjamin Disraeli (British Prime Minister 1804-1881)

Quip : Some folks get a kick out of life, and others only do the kicking.

Anniversaries & Dime Store Self Help Psycho Babble Books

2005-02-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

I received a phone call from my mother a few weeks back. She had important news. You see, it was my husband's and my 2nd Anniversary, (on Jan 3rd) and she wanted me to be on the lookout for our Anniversary gift, which would be coming in the mail, via QVC. In my family, as long as a gift was received approximately 60 days from any special ocassion, it's on time.

This dates back to my childhood, where all Birthdays were always celebrated on the week-end, no matter if your special date fell mid week or on a Thursday or even a Friday. It would be celebrated one of two days, Saturday or Sunday. Whatever was more convenient for her schedule. And that could mean absolutely anything. As she told it though, it mean't YOU got to bask in all the glory of ALL the attention for an entire day! Not just a measley evening. And as a kid (one of three) this sounded perfect to us! That tradition long stood, even as we all moved out going our own ways, and even when we started having our own kids. They too, were raised to believe their Birthday would always fall on a Saturday or Sunday.

And as we started moving further and further away from each other, and packages needed to be shipped, and our lives all became busier and busier, this rule became even more defined, although it was unspoken. If you received "said gift" in the same year as the ocassion, it was the same as receiving it on the day! The only exclusion to this would be Christmas, in which case it depended upon WHEN any particular family was going to celebrate Christmas. Because Christmas, once we all had families of our own, which would now include "in-laws" and having to celebrate with all or our own new families as well; made it much more complicated, and let's face it, stress-ful. Being the creative woman my dear mother is, she felt it best that we arrange"Christmas day, a whole different day" so that she and my father had all of their children and grandchildren for a whole day! And this tradition became yet even more complicated by the fact that she, and husband #2 (of mine) and myself worked in hospitals. Hospital workers often end up working on Christmas day. My brother a state trooper for WA also ended up out on the job on Christmas every other year or so. So Christmas pretty much always ended up, the week-end prior to Christmas, and on ocassion on New Years day. In which case, for me, (living in AZ since 2001) I must send packages with the new Christmas date in mind.

And all traditions have stood no matter what. As we each had more and more kids, still gifts were sent for every menber of the family, including in-laws. This mean't shipping packages almost every month of the year. Why we just didn't put this tradition to rest years ago, is beyond me. But I wasn't going to "risk the wrath of Dina" by expressing this. And from the looks of things, no one else was going to either. Nevermind the expense, the time that has gone into this, gave everyone head-aches. Except of course for mom. Who never forgot anyone. Including now all three Anniversaries.

Now at first glance, she seems like one of the most giving thoughful women you would ever meet. And lets face it, thats what it came down to. But this has also played into not one, but two of my mother's OTHER quirks in life. That being her penchant for dime store self help psycho babble books, and her addiction to shopping. Along with whatever dime store self help psycho babble book you might receive, came the hidden message. That being whatever quirk, bad habit, lack of character that she may find in you, that she felt it was necessary for you to address and deal with. On her time, with her thumb print all over whatever success you may have. And failures attributed to your own lack of character or flaws. And being the official black sheep of the family, who was always stumbling thru life, I was the recipient of the most dime store self help psycho babble books of all her kids and their spouses. Any lack in your children, also made you the recipient, not said grandchild. You were the mom, you were the one who needed to instill the good things in her grandchildren. Also noting that her two sons' in laws and daughter in law, were not exempt. My new husband thus far being the recipient of two of these DSSHPBB's to date. Although since her new son-in-law was only one year younger then her, and a very dominant self posessed man, she is very careful with whatever oral bits of wisdom she may throw his way. Not sure yet, just how far, he would allow her to push things. (Oh, how I love that about him!) And yes to date, I have already hidden behind him several times, in order to live my life as I see fit. Yes, I'm a coward, and not afraid to admit it. I have a "sense of self" after all.

Now her shopping addiction, that is a whole other ball park. And one no one comes right out and talks about it. Here again fearing the wrath of Dina. That is except for my father, who doesn't mind joking about it. Well when mother is far away at work, where he cannot be overheard. I probably inherited my coward gene from him.

My mother's addiction to shopping has one special characteristic. And that is QVC. All gifts are usually sent in QVC boxes in all shapes and sizes. They know the sound of my mothers voice at QVC. And had I known just how far she would go with QVC, I would have bought stock YEARS ago in this company.

My mother has worked the grave yard shift at the hospital well over a decade now. And has the problem all night workers struggle with. That is getting sufficient sleep during the daylight hours in between shifts. In order for her to sleep during the day, she needs her 20-somthing inch bedroom TV going the whole time. She usually gets a good hour of QVC watching in prior to going to sleep, and a good hour watching after the fact before getting up. You can do a lot of damage with a QVC card in a couple of hours a day, and much more on days off. I cannot even comprehend the number of gifts she has stocked up on for each member of our 16 member family. (That includes Ex husband number two, whom she says is the father of HER grandchildren, whom she has every intention of continuing to honor on special days) Which honestly, I don't have a problem with. Other then she continues to send said gifts to mine and my new husbands house, for us to deliver to him. I did stand up to her recently on this, but that is a subject for another post. (I'm longwinded enough as it is!)

My father's joke about this whole QVC thing (except it really isn't a joke, it's the truth) is that he is definitely on a first name basis with their UPS deliverer. He knows the UPS guys wife and children's names as the UPS guy knows ours. He is delivering to their house, (I swear on this!) at least every other day, on a slow week or month, maybe once a week. My dad and the UPS guy's relationship is familier enough, that when the UPS driver was having a bad day, he told my father to put a sledge hammer thru their TV, to keep his wife off of QVC! (My father would never risk the wrath of Dina by doing this!)

So here we are, in the general vicinity of our 2nd Wedding Anniversary, on the look-out for the QVC gift. I admit, this time the DSSHPBB was not expected. Not for this ocassion. Usually it is somthing for the household. Some quirky gadget, that I have never heard of. Gadget's being another one of her quirks, I'll save for another date. But I was wrong. I knew the advice on our lives had been coming quite a bit of late....."we really need a lot of work to survive this life." I just didn't expect it to bleed over into our anniversary. But it did, and it came. Mind you, mom is not cheap, she takes these books very seriously, and doesn't mind spending a small fortune to aquire them. And she did. This dime store self help psycho babble book (in hard back) came with a set of CD's as well. And this Live Lecture 6-CD set and hardback book, which advertises "AS seen on Public TV" was expensive! And should render forth heartfelt "Thank you's!" and "I am learning so much!" announcements. And I wanted to! really I did. But they came 1. during PMS week 2. with the onset of one of my back discs bulging putting pressure on nerve endings, that has sent me into spasms on too many ocassions to even count at this point! 3. I was feeling particularly inept and vulnerable (brought on by satan's spawn's (Riley) antics in the classroom+ Parent/Teacher conferences comfiming his behavior) So this was the set up for opening her thoughtful Anniversary gifts.

And I came unglued, and ranted and raved, and thru said gift across the room. (I know, childish....and probably the topic for a whole new dime store self help psycho babble book) So I did not thank her for the gift, until recently, when I was on some hardcore mind numbing painkillers. And I know it came out insincere, and weak. Oh well, maybe next year, she'll do us the honor of not recognizing this occasion at all.

So if anyone is interested in aquiring this lovely set, I am sure you can find it on the official website. Which I have not bothered to look up as of yet. I have not bothered to even open the the lovely hardback book, and the Live Lecture 6-CD Set, still in the plastic wrapper.(I did enjoy popping all the little bubbles on the bubble wrap sheet though) So I cannot even tell you, if they are any good. I just got thru her damn DVD set of Women of Faith, presents Irrepressible Hope conference 2004 Which by the way, she attended! (Their website is www.Womenoffaith.com )

So here it is, the official website of the hardback book "The Power of Intention, Learning to Co-create Your world, Your way."(As long as your way agrees with Dina's way) And I am sure it covers the Live Lecture 6-CD Set called, "The SECRETS of the Power of Intention" all by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer website address www.DrWayneDyer.com

Deep down, I realize, the only dime store self help psycho babble book I need, deals with cutting the psychological apron strings of Dina. Without fearing her wrath and repercussions. That is one DSSHPBB that I am sure to never see coming thru the mail from my mother. (Bless her heart!)

Sundays;The end & the begining of the week.

2005-01-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm so shallowly analytical, it bores the hell outta me. Which is probably why I enjoy reading blogs. Some I can live vicariously thru, some, I can laugh uncontollably at, some I can actually learn things from, and some I can feel falsely superior to. And still others I enjoy connecting with on some sorta cyber level. (And what that "level" means, I have absolutely no idea) I guess for me, its like looking inside of people, you will never meet, or even if you met them on the street, chances are you would never have the types of conversations, or connections with them that blog reading avails itself to. Which makes blogging unique, and not really part of what day to day living is. So blogging could be escapism, or is for me, at times. Not that I don't love my life, as it is. My children, my husband, my girlfriends, my home. I am blessed, and happy with all of it. But who doesn't like a little escapism, every now and then. My battle would be to keep from allowing escapism (blogging) to become obsessive. Knowing I have tendencies towards obsessive- compulsive behavior; I consciously work to keep balance. (This great self insight courtesy of the many dimes store self help psycho babble books I have read, skimmed, or memorized.) And it is on that note, that I want to give my homegirls a couple of other blogs they may enjoy reading while watching the clock on the job. (During their official "break times " of course) hehehehe

So Lori, Jenny, Shelly and Vickie check out these blogs. Entertaining, and completely different from the lives we lead. I hope you enjoy them. Let me know....
First is http://postmoderncourtesan.com (I think the title gives you some idea on its content. And she tells stories that are easy reading and fun)
Next is http://Paranoidpromqueen.blogspot.com/ Just fun to read. Let me know what you think.
And one more for now, http://www.onechildleftbehind.com/blog.htm A guy from Seattle, a writer, who enjoys photography, AND, he loves the group JOURNEY girls! Which means right there he is worth reading, right? Let me know whatcha think!

Well today is Sunday, which means (to me) it is the end of the week, and the beginning of the week. So here is where I'll purge myself of the end, and plan for the beginning. Friday night, we did Happy Hour, which we are prone to on ocassion. This one, in the beginning was instigated by me. First, I just missed my homegirls and visiting with them, and I had a very bad case of cabin fever, brought on by not really venturing out of the house. Unless you count the several doc.'s appts. and visits to the local pharmacies for mind altering, pain killers.
Well, and I received an e-mail from my former boss/friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, where he suggested we ought to do a happy hour sometime. A good idea is a good idea, so I ran with it. I have a great deal of respect, and care about my boss/friend, and missed chatting with him. He always made me feel appreciated on the job, and was a patient trainer, and always exhorted me to do my best. And I always tried to give him just that. I sensed in him a kind heart, a caring person, and he has a subtle sense of humor, that I also always appreciated. (Anything for a laugh, even when one is working) And, for any single, attractive, 20 somthing women out there, he is also single! Any interested women??? let me know, I'll see what I can arrange!
All right back to topic, we did happy hour. Although for me, it didn't have the feel of any of our old, usual happy hours. I had a good time, and always enjoy being with this group, it was just; different. More calm, not as much laughter as usual.....this could very well be, that I was not able to have my usual cosmo's...(due to previously mentioned painkillers) Instead, I drank VIRGIN Mai Tai's. Tasty as they are, they did not lend themselves to any mood enhancing, laughter inducing loud fun. I'm not sure if anyone else felt that way, as most were drinking their usual refreshments. It was good to see those friends I hadn't seen in a while. And Jenny, thank you for coming to pick me up at my house.( I didn't want to attempt getting behind the wheel of a car, with painkillers on board.) It was good to see your Mathew too. (Her approximately 2 yr old son, who has the face of an angel) He joined us for happy hour too. Which is allowed at Applebees resturaunt.
Saturday was spent doing not a helluva a lot. Movie watching with my significant other....laying around, just "being". The kids were with their father, which mean't it too was a much more calm, and quiet sorta day. And so ended the week.
Today, I get ready for the return of my children. Which entails actually shopping for nutritional complete meals. (We scrounge on the off week) Making sure all clothes for kids are ready for school, and steeling ourselves for the inevitable arguments over homework, and anything else my darling little boy (whom privately for yrs I referred to as Satan's Spawn) finds to debate. I know, that private nickname is probably enough to get me nominated for worst mother of the year. Although I have never breathed that nickname in front of him, or to anyone who would tell him. I think it is just my way, of releasing the frustrations of motherhood, without doing anyone any physical or mental harm. Riley is my challenging child. And I would never have been nominated for mother of the year, even if I didn't have a challenging child. I have to work harder at it, then most moms. Deep down, I don't think I was gifted with the great mom gene...which means I have to work HARD at being a sufficient mother. I love Riley so very much, and am very grateful to God, for giving him the face of an angel, and a tender spirit that he shows just enough, to keep me from checking into the funny farm.
The rest of today? my husband (not me) has suggested going to the formal gown shop down the road, to search for a formal for me. Yep, he loves to shop, far more then I do. We have a formal we go to every year, called the Tempe Governor's Ball. And I managed to convince him from the very first year, that I cannot possibly be seen at the same event (even if it is annual) in the same gown. This will be our 4th year. Which means I am starting to build up a wardrobe of formals, that I will wear again , when??? A total waste of money on some counts. But now I have convinced him that yes, we need to do another Cruise, so I can get more wear out of past formals. So that is in the planning stage for next spring. (I really, really want to go to the eastern carribean!) In all honesty, it didn't take much to convice him of any of this. My husband loves to travel, and have a good time. And our formal (fondly nicknamed "The Prom") is one of the events we look forward to each year. It means staying the night at a 4 star resort,and just putting on airs for 24 hours! Somthing we both enjoy. Nothing we would want a steady diet of, as our favorite home attire is sweats. And in the summer, shorts, and T-shirts.

So that is the end and the beginning. Tomorrow is my first appt. at a Pain clinic, where hopefully after a couple of epidural steroid injections, I will be off of these mind alterring pain killers, and back to my normal, clear thinking, neurotic, spit on a skillet, and bouncing off the walls self. Fingers crossed and prayers said. And on that note, here is todays

P - T - Q

Lord, help us to be more aware of blessings you bring each new day. Thank you for the joy of loved ones near, and for the peace of quiet moments. Teach us to fully live each hour of everyday. Let us not dwell on the past or future. Then may we know the joy and beauty of this very moment. Amen

Men show their character in nothing more clearly then by what they find laughable. (Anon.)
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. (Friedrich Nietzsche, German Philospher 1844-1900)

Being married is just like any other jobs. It's much easier if you like the boss.

I hope everyone has a great start to their new week!

A Toast; To All We Ever Find

2005-01-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

As I was watching American Idol last night, my mind kept going back to...what can be my feel good song, to replace Wild Wild West? a song that brings a smile to my lips, and warmth in my heart, regardless of what is going on, or where I am at.....it's tough. It HAS to be special, to hold that place. And it has to be mine. I want to own it. ( In my heart, and in my mind anyway.)

I also found it ironic, that I was watching a hit TV show, that was based around music, while mulling over my choices. And I thought about what G-man http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ said regarding music, and it's meaning at different points in our life. And I do agree with him. One song cannot do it, for a lifetime. There are things we go thru in our lives that will make a song special to us, solely based on where we are, and what we are going thru at that particular time.

Which reminded me of another "special song" from the past. A song that caused me to actually buy the same CD 4 different times in my life. It was one of those sad songs, about breaking up, and how we feel we are forever changed because of it. That song for me, was Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler. I knew the words by heart, and would sing it with every bit of passionate heartbreak that I was feeling. That song was almost without hope, as she sang about, once upon a time I was falling in love, and now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart. Once upon a time, there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark, nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart. You get the picture. And for the record, that is one helluva LONG song, with a shit load of lyrics! If you want to see the rest of them, you can find em online. Since that ISN'T my song of choice, I'm not typing them all out.

OK, I am off track again. The reason I would have to continually buy it, is that when I would go thru a break up, that is what I wanted to hear, sing, and dwell on. And then, being the melodramatic soul that I am, when I would fall in love again (don't get mad at me for wasting) I would toss it into the garbage. Convinced I would never need to dwell on heartbreak again. I was optimistic anyway! This happened four different times. So I would have to say, that was "my song" off and on thru literally a couple of decades.

And then, there was one other song, that during an extremely exciting, illicit affair I had over a decade ago(for which I have long since repented of).....I played, over and over and over and over. This man made me feel like I was the whole bag of chips! That I had it all! I was "IT" I still have that CD, and I'm not really sure why. The singer, although she was a great musician, was what you would refer to as a One Hit Wonder. ( I also met her once, in a bar on the waterfront in Portland Oregon / arn't I special, lol) So one practical reason her song got lots of play time, was basically I didn't care for the rest of the CD. At all. Her name was Meredith Brooks. And her song (my song) was "Bitch" I know that sounds bad, but you would have to hear the words to understand. Bitch made me feel like Queen Shit, that who she sang about was me! Another one, I won't waste valuable typing time, putting the lyrics down. I'm sure it too is on the internet, if your so inclined to look it up. (What ISN"T on the internet?!) So, in my own life, I am seeing the practical application of G-mans opinion on music.

But for me, I'm gonna deal in the here and now. My song now. Every bit as significant as anything from the past. More so actually. Because it's now. My new song also has a story behind it. My then fiance' (now husband) picked this song, for us to dance to,at our wedding reception.

We didn't have a big wedding. Quite the opposite. We picked a beautiful spot out in an area with breathtaking desert landscaping. And the only people in attendance were my 3 children, the pastor, and my parents. Oh; and the groom of course. My husband wrote our vows. (he IS the writer in the family) They were beautiful, and eloquent of course. (I may dig them up one day and post them. Since I am so proud of the job he did.) It was a very intimate ceremony. What we did have planned later that evening, was the reception, at my house. Everyone that I worked with came, my homegirls were in there....and quite a few that I would have to say I knew just a little better then aquantances. Being very proud of my parents, and their phenominal marraige (just the fact that they stayed together qualified it as phenominal) I asked my father to prepare the "toast". He is fairly well read, and I knew he would put heart into it. Our dance, to the song my husband picked out, was actually planned towards the end, when we were to be alone.

So as the night wore on, and champagne glasses were filled, my father cleared his voice, and began his speech. A hush fell over the group. (well somewhat, it is hard to keep everyone quiet.) I need to mention at this point, that this was to be my 3rd wedding. The first one didn't count ( a post for another day), but the 2nd one was over 16 years long. And Rick had very much become a part of my extended family. Birthdays, Holidays, etc...He was Uncle Rick to all my neices and nephews. And the father of my children....which puts his place in our family tree, firmly.

So dad started his speech of well wishes, and good fortune, health, love, romance. And then he had everyone raise their glasses as he proudly said To Tamber and Rick! My grooms name was NOT Rick! Most of the guests had also met Rick, but knew he was the EX, and certainly not in attendance at this ocassion. I didn't wear white at this wedding; but I garauntee my face went whiter then any wedding dress could ever be! Kevin took the whole thing quite graciously. (At least I think he did. I have since learned he has the best "poker face" of any man I have ever known.) Someone quickly diverted the attn. to cake cutting and picture taking....and by now I was exausted emotionally. I love my father so dearly, but if I could have shoved those words back down his throat!!! I would have.

Now as the night was winding down; (only my good friends, and drinkers left) everyone headed inside the house around the TV. Keven and I; we snook out on the back patio, where we danced to this song. The words were perfect. And I still to this day will stick this CD in the car player, and sing along to it, while drivng by myself. It gives me that warm, happy, this is my song feeling. And I think I'm gonna keep it for a decade or two.

The name of the song is "All We Ever Find" By Tim McGraw

Say exactly how you feel
Right now your free to say it all
There is no one here to judge you
I only love you
Your free to close your eyes and fall
You can trust me, this is real
Say exactly how you feel

Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

Every breath of who you are
Tells a story that I love
I have finally found the truth
In what I see in you
And what I feel with every touch
The simple beauty of your heart
In every breath of who you are

(chorus) Tell me all your dreams
And what you think love means
We'll lock the world outside
Embrace the gift of time
Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find

(repeat chorus)

Promising forever
Knowing that this moment
Might be all we ever find...

Well there it is, my new song! Retiring the old. Marking this portion of my life. And since it is again late, I won't go off on a tangent as to WHAT, this portion of my life is. I just know, it includes this song:-)

And Today's P - T - Q (Prayer, thought, quip) from AZ Republic (azcentral.com)

Lord, remind us to live by your teachings of love, faith, hope and good will. Amen

"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing."
--John Erskine, American Author & Educator (1879-1951)

A good Executive is one who thinks an assistant who did ALL the work, should get at least a
quarter of the credit.

Goodnight friends! Smoky and I are going to bed now.

Cultivating Mystery or outta sight, outta mind

2005-01-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This post will be full of misc. non related, thoughts, musings, neurotic ramblings, and playful mindfucks, inspired by schedule 2 narcotics (lots of 'em!) administered for the purpose of masking chronic pain. The side affects; a mild case of insomnia, impatience at the betrayal of my physical well being, and good ol' fashioned cabin fever.

Thought for the night: Mind over matter; it's all in your head.
(Bullshit! Whoever coined that deep phrase, has obviously never experienced chronic neck/back pain, or any of the other myriad of illnesses that befall thousands each year.) All of whom, have my deepest sympathies, and prayers, as they struggle with balancing pain, and a life that has normalcy, and meaning. Let alone trying to derive pleasure, and joy amidst their struggle.

I got an e-mail from one of my homegirls, who I haven't chatted with since cancelling our group lunchdate set for last friday. Expressing concern, on my well being. Which by the way, touched me. Thank you Jenny. and I would like to say, I'm getting better. In fact, I'm going to say that...you know, the whole mind over matter thingy??? But yes, it still hurts, it still keeps me awake at night, and my arm and hand still have huge areas that are numb. And I am becoming completely disgusted with the wide range of pills I am taking to try and take the edge off the pain. What they do most (the pills), is send my brain into a disoriented, fragmented fog. That leaves me feeling extremely alone, even when I'm not.

I had an MRI done today, and should have results by Thursday morning, when I go into to see my doc. Thursday morning will also be the day, that I quit taking all these narcotics, that in my way of thinking are not doing jackshit for me! Then I will just take the wonder drug of the milleneum ibuprofen! OK, and a muscle relaxer. (it doesn't fuck with my head) So I will test this whole mind over matter bullshit. And write about my scientific results sometime next week. If I sound bitter about it, I'm not. I know I could be a whole lot worse off, and I am thankful for the parts of me that are still in working order. And I am done hiding out at home alone, wallowing in my misery. (melodramatic, I know. I'll blame the pills this time)

I am tentatively mentioning, that maybe (the maybe part because my husband is concerned) we could do a happy hour THIS Friday night? I would love for all of us to get together for alcohol, fun, gossip and laughter. Since there is nothng mysterious about illness and isolation, I'm leaning towards outta sight and outta mind. And I wanna say Here I am! Let's have some fun!

As I was sitting on the couch, my mind freely wandering here and there, I started thinking about when Lori, Kevin(my husband) and I got our tattoo's. (And Shelly got her belly button peirced) I'm not sure why that popped into my head......the only correlation I could find, was that I popped a couple vicoden then, to mask THAT pain. But I also remembered what a good time we had laughing, and squeezing each other's hands to get thru it. Chattering away to take our minds off of the fact that this big dude was taking needles and ink, and creating art IN our bodies.

And we decided to pick a song each. One song, as our theme song for our lives. And for the life of me, I cannot remember anybody elses but my own.(a testament to self absorption?) I do remember where this game came from. Ally McBeal. (Harrison Ford's bony girlfriend) Ally's therapist told her to pick a song, and make it hers. A song that made her feel good, that she could sing (to herself, or outloud) to claim as her theme. I remember Kevin and I picked one together too. The "Our song" was by Journey; Don't stop believin'..I'm going to locate the words around here somewhere. The drugs I'm taking, unfortunately causing a brain fart. Which only allows minimal details to come to the surface.

And now the song I picked, at the time, has been mine all the way back to when it came out. (late eighties? can't quite remember) It was by the Escape Club. I bring this up, because, as I go thru this little bout of pain, I have come to the conclusion, that it is time to retire "my song" the song that has/had never failed to bring me up off my feet, and onto the dance floor, where I abandoned all inhibitions, and flailed about recklessly (dancing...sort of) So I dedicate this post to Wild Wild West by the Escape Club, which is being retired year 2005.

Fortyseven dead beats living in the back street
North East West South all in the same house
Sitting in the back room waiting for the big boom
I'm in the bedroom waiting for my baby

She's so mean, but I don't care
I love her eyes & her wild wild hair
Dance to the beat, that we love best
Heading for the nineties
Living in the wild wild west
The wild wild west........

Heading for the nineties, living in the eighties
Screaming in the backroom, waiting for the big boom.
Give me give me wild west
Give me give me safe sex
Give me love, give me love
Give me time to live it up.

I know, I shortened it quite a bit. (It is after 1:00 AM as I write this) So since I am retiring Wild Wild West, having already "lived it up" and lived thru not just the eighties, but the ninties as well....I need to find a new theme song! Like hairstyles, one must try at times to change with the times. So here my search begins....

And this is where I am assigning all who read this post, an assignment. This assignment is Find your theme song, and post it. To all of my home girls (also a test of whether or not you're reading me anymore?) Jenny, Shelly, Vickie and Lori. You can post a comment on here, without being a member or having to sign up. Post it under anonymous, and just put your name IN the message, at the end of "your song" And Jackie, I wanna see yours too. And any suggestions you may have for me. I am looking for somthing more appropriate for me NOW. Not me of the eighties or the ninties. So to all who read my foggy drug induced ramblings of the evening, I want your songs. You too, http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ and http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ What song makes you feel good, that you would claim it as yours;-) I look forward to reading some songs!

Now, one other rambling. I have blog envy! I saw the most eye catching blog! I am amazed at the amount of imagination, and I have to say it, TALENT, that goes into some of these sites! So, if you get a chance, check out http://barefootramblings.blogspot.com/ I AM jealous, but also inspired. I intend to try and learn different things you can do to web sites, or blogs, to enhance them. And; it only took me many many hours, but I did figure out, and successfully attach a counter to my site!!! I am quite pleased with myself. Although my true goal, still lies ahead of me.

But for now, my cat Smoky and I must bid you all goodnight! :-) And, sweet dreams.

Prayer, Thought & Quip

2005-01-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

As taken from Gannetts AZ Republic 1/24/04

Lord, we ask for stronger faith, and for you to teach us to trust, when we do not see or understand. Amen.

The art of dealing with one's enemies, is an art no less necessary, then knowing how to appreciate one's friends.
(Truman Capote, American Writer 1924-1984)

Even if your parents do tell you about the birds and the bees, they never mention mortgages on hives and aviaries.

Murphy's Law & Pain Update

2005-01-22T13:18:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post, on the day my pain took a turn for the worse. But, I was going to be diligent, and consistent, and write a small post, to keep up consistent appearances. It took me a long while, in between neck and shoulder spasms, but I ended up writing quite a bit. I was very pleased with myself, when I hit the publish button. The next screen that popped up was "We couldn't find the page you requested, try hitting the refresh button, etc. So I tried, and got nothing. My hard earned post flew off into cyberland, never to be seen again:-(

That same day, was nothing short of a tour to Hell. The pain in my neck, and down my shoulder all the way to my fingers became intense. All of it throbbed continually, with painful spasms hitting every 15 minutes to half hour. Which had me screaming like my 9 yr old OWIE OWIE OWIE! Luckily the spasms didn't seem to last longer then 5 minutes each, during which I paced the floors moaning and groaning, ocassionally muttering for someone to just shoot me in the head. (I was ignored at that part by all family members. Someone has to do laundry, cook, and help with homework.) Although my husband has been nothing short of miraculous! Picking up all my chores, handling the kids, and playing their chauffer for various activities. Everyone managed to go to sleep that night, including me, at a very early hour. Except my sleep lasted exactly 3 hours; when I sat straight up in bed screaming from a spasm. Followed by pacing like a caged tiger looking for lunch! This continued until finally my groggy husband said, "Maybe we better take you to the hospital. And I HATE EMERGENCY rooms! The 5 hour waits that are the norm, I didn't think I could survive. But then I had hit rock bottom. I either wanted to slide into a coma (away from the pain) or take mass quantities of dugs to mask the pain.

We did have sleeping kids in the house, who needed to get up for school in the morning, and I hated the thought of upsetting their routine. And tham staying home from school was completely out of the question. They need MORE classtime, not less. So I called the EX husband, who came and picked them up, and dropped them at his mother's house, to make sure they were taken care of, and deposited at school on time. (The Ex had to work by 6:00 AM that morning.) I have to go on record as saying God Bless Grandmothers! It may, or may not take a village to raise a child (Hillary Clinton's motto) but grandmothers, no one can replace them in their grandchildrens lives.

So it was off to the emergency room we went! Where the spasms seem to hit in even more frequency! This may sound bad, but when I hurt that bad, with tears streaming down my face, those are private moments. That I don't like ANYONE seeing me like that. But at 1:00 AM in the morning, with approximately 30 other fellow hurting patients, all sitting around waiting for their turn, I had no choice. My dignity was lost, period. Along with a box of kleenex, which I was constantly wiping away (what I hoped was) hidden tears. Well the gal upfront said I was lucky, my wait time should be no more then 2 hours! Lucky meeee!

I finally made it into my semi-private room. (semi-private= curtains between two beds) Where for the next hour I was stuck waiting for the doc, writhing and groaning in pain for the entertainment of my room mate. I was ready to just walk out, when he walked in. Where he did a basic, shallow exam. And came to the conclusion, that yes, you're in pain. Doctors are a brilliant lot. But he became my hero in 5 minutes flat. When in walked his nurse with a shot of morphine & phenergan. And a lovely little pink valuim pill. 15 minutes later, I was asleep. Deeply. On what we all know are the most uncomfortable beds in the United States. Oh how heavenly it was!

After no more then one half hour, they were back in waking me up to LEAVE. I didn't WANT to wake up, let alone LEAVE? It seems hospital policies are much more efficient at getting you outta there, then getting you in there. But they sent me out armed with pain med. prescriptions anyway. Which we filled on our way home at 7:30 AM. Yes, how many hours was that? 6 and one half? There has got to be a better way!

That day, once Mr.Morphine wore off, I popped a couple of vicoden, to mask the pain. Which it didn't touch the pain, even slightly. So I popped a valuim, hoping that by calming myself down, the pain would let up. No chance. So I kept my appt. w/my regular doctor at 3:00PM He somewhat examined my back, then sent me away with a script of percocet, thinking that would do the trick. That and flexeril (muscle relaxer) What it afforded me was 3 hours of sleep that night, and then the rest spent pacing the floor again. He sent me for an X-ray that showed nothing out of the ordinary. So back I went yesterday! This time, more aggressive, bitchey, and the tears flowed freely. So, to make this overly long, tedious story shorter, The MRI is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 7:00 AM. The new set of drugs sent home to me, were much better at controlling the pain. MS Contin 15mg (morphine) and a steroid 6 day pack. I told my husband that I hope the steroids didn't make me grow a dick. His comment was somthing along the lines that it would match my proverbial balls, which he says are bigger then most of the guys he knows.

Which brings me to the present. Day two of steroid therapy, and I see a big improvement. Only two spasms, all morning. Now about the morphine, the morphine is legitimately my excuse for this rambling, over-detailed, tedious post with the bad grammar and sentence structure. I believe most of my posts are up to snuff, for my liking. This one, is just to keep up some consistency in posting. If this one too, doesn't end up in cyber-space. At which point, I won't post again for a while. Until my temper and afflictions both calm down.

So now I am off to have mother/daughter times with Tayler. (Which won't be of the highest quality due to my afflictions.) The choice today? We are going to watch Catwoman together. A film that I have heard has been put in the worst movie category by many. But Tayler likes it, so Catwoman it will be! (And maybe a percocet to help me completely zone out on it...)

PAIN! And, 100 things about me

2005-01-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

This morning, I am taking a phrase from T's Take http://tmanundercover.blogspot.com It's from his posting today as a matter of fact. It just was exactly how I am feeling today.

Phrase; If your body was a car, you wouldn't buy it.
Why? Because maintenance is a bitch.

Boy, is it a BITCH!!! $#%&^&*^%$)(*&^$@!# ( as many swear words, as I couldn't think of ) I woke up this morning at 4:45 AM (only 15 minutes earlier then normal) with a peircing scream of pain. As the left side of my neck, down my shoulder and arm went into a full blown spasm, that is STILL hurting me, whenever I, ohhhh, move, breathe, pick up the phone, sit, lie down, and stand. First off, I know I am a real wuss, when it comes to pain. With an extremely low threshold for it. I am of the mindset, that we live in the new milleneum, if there's a pain, there's a pill for it. ( Speaking of that, I could sure use one of your percocets right now AK) http://chaoticphoenixak.blogspot.com

But instead, I just popped a 500mg Tyleonol, after also taking 600mg of Ibuprofen an hour ago. But still it keeps seizing up. I am sure sitting at this computer isn't helping matters, so this post will probably take me 3 hours to get thru, since I keep needing to change positions. (The laundry didn't need done that bad, or the vacuuming, or the beds made.) This is more important anyway, right? Well, much more fun anyway.

So here I sit, with my "neck buddy" draped over my shoulder...trying to type in between spastic pains. I won't be working on enhancing this blog today. That would actually take a clear head, on a feel good day, and still I would probably fail at it. Have I generated any sympathy yet? That's all right; I know I just haven't found the right pill combination, I'll keep working on it..... Added a flexeril (muscle relaxer) to the mix...we'll see how that works!

So now on to somthing that should be fairly easy to do. Instead of trying to describe somthing, tell a story, or what have you; I'll stick to facts. Based on self perceptions that is. So without further delay;

100 Things About ME (In no specific order)

1. I am married to a newspaper man.
2. We have been married 2 yrs.
3. He is 15 yrs older then me.
4. Which makes me feel young, no matter what age I am!
5. I have 3 children
6. Two boys; ages 20 and 9
7. One girl, age 11
8. I have been married 3 times (3rd times a charm)
9. Friendships are very important to me.
10. I worked in a hospital pharmacy for 10 yrs as a tech.
11. I was born in Bakersfield CA
12. Mainly raised in WA state
13. My parents were married on my dad's 17th Birthday, just following my mom's 16th Birthday.
14. My mother is an RN at a drug rehab hospital.
15. I am the daughter of an authentic Redneck Cowboy (who also happened to be a truck driver)
16. I owned a Reg. Thoroughbred horse, named Caper.
17. He got fat & lazy, I got fat & pregnant, I sold him.
18. Got thin and in shape, wish I hadn't sold him.
19. Taken ballet off and on for yrs (no, not that good)
20. Love to watch the ballet as well.
21. I have a 3" tattoo of a rose blossom, on the top of my right ass cheek.
22. My husband has my name and a long stem rose tattooed over his heart.
23. I am loyal.
24. I am loving.
25. I value honesty in my spouse more then anything else.
26. I have enjoyed horsebackriding, since I was a teenager.
27. I can be a bit melodramatic. (OK, a lot!)
28. I smoke. (hate it! need, and will quit, hopefully soon)
29. I am very protective of my friends.
30. Can be scatterbrained at times.
31. PAIN makes me moody.
32. Debt, makes me crazy!
33. I bought my house, after my 2nd divorce, all by myself.
34. I'm proud of that fact.
35. Switched to Business office work when I moved to AZ.
36. Was layed off work, twice by the same company in a 3 yr period. (small, struggling company)
37. I am 5'10" tall.
38. Had all of my height, by the 6th grade.
39. Modeled for 2 yrs in H.S. (local stuff)
40. I was in a county beauty pageant. (top 10 finalist; dropped out before the crowning)
41. Always regretted that.
42. I wrote poetry in H.S. (loads of it, it all stunk!)
43. I worked at managing various retail clothing stores for a decade.
44. Loved it! But the pay was crap!
45. Dropped out of pageant, to take mgmt. postion at Foxmoor's Clothing.
46. Was married to a wife beater for 2 yrs. (Got the hell outta that!)
47. Love my kids with everything in me!
48. I have joint custody with their father. (7 on, 7 off.)
49. Feel guilty, for enjoying my time alone with my husband. (the 7 off)
50. Love any excuse for a party! ANY!
51. Love to gamble. (Laughlin NV on the Colorado river)
52. I can be hypocritical. (not on purpose though)
53. Tend to learn by mistakes, not by others' experiences.
54. Used to be a night owl. (swingshift at the hospital)
55. Love getting up early now. And going to bed early.
53. Believe everyone would benefit from counseling.
54. Read dime store self help psycho babble books. (Does anyone remember, "I'm OK, You're OK?")
55. I have a raunchy sense of humor at times. (ie; dirty jokes, pics. etc.)
56. Grew up on dime store self help psycho babble books. (Does anyone remember T.A. for Tots?")
57. My motto is, anything for a laugh! (No subject is taboo)
58. This conflicts at times with the fact, that I AM a Christian.
59. I love good sex!
60. That's gotten me into some trouble a time or two. or three......
61. I don't much care for Religion. or people who feel the need to act religous.
62. Love a good religous discussion though. (I think that would be debate)
62. I pray several times a day. (I need it!)
63. My husband and I pray together every morning.
64. My kids and I pray together on the way into school every morning.
65. I don't like pompous asses, who think their degrees make them "more then" someone else.
66. Or think it makes them more intellegent then others.
67. I don't like pompous asses, who think their money makes them better then others.
68. I pray everyday, that my kids will go to college and get the degrees.
69. I want more choices for my kids, then I had. (Doesn't every generation?)
70. I am extremely generous.
71. I am a touchy, feely, huggy person.
72. I can be extremly territorial about my spouse.
73. OK, I can be very jealous where my spouse is concerned.
74. I once invited one of my spouses EX g/f's to one of my girls nite out, so I would know where SHE was. (She did have a fatal attraction thing going on about him)
75. My fave sunday : Mimosa's, eggs benedict, and a few good movies.
76. I love playing cards; cribbage & pinochle.
77. Would love to learn Hearts.
78. Fave vacation: pay per view, room service. Anywhere, any 4 star hotel.
79. I have received lap dances in a strip club.
80. I always have good intentions, but my follow thru can be a little weak.
81. If I love you, I want what you want for your life.
82. I am unafraid of saying I love you. Even in the face of rejection.
83. I always let my friends, family, and spouse know I love them.
84. I have cheated on, and been cheated on.
85. I never want to be on either end again.
86. My parents are still together, after 42 years of marraige.
87. My parents, are each others' best friend.
88. My parents are still in love.
89. I have a younger sister, and younger brother.
90. They all live in WA
91. I'm still friends w/ex hubby #2 (kids' father)
92. I believe, live and let live.
93. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
94. I screw up on that sometimes though.
95. I have blue green eyes. more so blue or green depending on what I wear.
96. I am a brunette.
97. I am addicted to clothes and shoes. I have way more then I need of both.
98. I love the desert, and the sun.
99. I have had enough of rainy WA, to last a lifetime.
100. I LOVE coffee.

I made it!!! Man, that was a little tougher then I thought. I am going to go nurse my wounds now. And try to enjoy the sun. It's 82 degrees today, and I am going to work on the 2005 tan, if I can lay that long.

Blogging Frustrations! & My lack of knowledge

2005-01-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

It would be a fair asessment, to say I am having loads of fun, retreating to this blog, and throwing up words all over it! I am still self analyzing the Why's behind that. (Can't help the analyzing thing, it's part of my personality, brought on by years and years of dime store self help psycho babble book reading - which was brought on by a mother, who to this day, still reads loads and loads of dime store self help psycho babble books)

My problem/problems are, trying to do anything to the blog to "enhance" it. (I haven't even started to analyze WHY I want to enhance it) As I go out looking at various blogs, which I love reading; I see off to the side, where you post the blogs you read regularly; and enjoy. Kewl! I like it! I have found some great reads, by checking out what other blogs my faves have listed! And now, I want it. Here is where the frustrations have set in.

It seems you need to know a thing or three about your computer, and the definitions of computer language, in order to even begin to follow the instructions to, now read carefully, paste the coding, into your page template.......sure. no sweat. But.....what's CODING? And what's PAGE TEMPLATE? I am hopping all over this site, trying to figure it out on my own, and getting nothing but frustrated in the process! (And yes, I realize I am parading my ignorance, out in the open, for all to see. I'm OK with that, I have a Sense of Self, and I know I am not computer proficient, or literate)

I thought I would attempt somthing small, pasting somthing to my page template. Which by now, I have come to the conclusion, is the page that my postings sit on. OK, so I thought a page counter, at the bottom of my "page template" sounded like a small thing to attempt. For learning purposes, for what I REALLY want; My favorites on the damn PAGE TEMPLATE! Well, it seems there are several programs of counters. I pick the one with the word EASY in it. I want easy, this is good. So I filled out the form, hit submit, and up pops a box with all sorts of gobley gook (letters, symbols, etc.) in it. And I mean LOTS of gobley gook!!! (gobley gook= childhood words for, I don't understand any of this!) And now I am supposed to WHAT? paste ALL of this box of stuff, WHERE? And is there a special spot one must go to put this several lines of gobley gook? And; does one paste ALL of it? A certain portion? Geeze, KIDS do this! Is it really this hard? Am I making it harder then it's supposed to be? Is it just that I don't understand the proper definitions, in the instructions?

So needless to say, these frustrations have put a damper, and a tarnish, on my new hobby. And, as you can see, there is no page counter, and no favorite sites list on my page template. and maybe there never will be. Having come full circle in my, why do I like blogging self analysis....I wonder if I should just be content, throwing up words all over my page template.

In conclusion, I am going to list a couple of blogs I read daily, and confirm my original offer of use of my pool and jacuzzi, for skinny dipping purposes. (on the off week, that my kids are with their dad) In exchange for some blog lessons, on enhancing this blog. So, there ya go! http://digitalfishwrap.blogspot.com/ & http://diaryofabrat.blogspot.com/ Your skinny dipping paradise! for lessons on this computer crap! My husband and I will just go to a hotel room, which is notorious for bringing out the romance in relationship. Nothing says romance like an anonymous bed, and pay per view! I only ask, that you please save some energy for a lesson on blog enhancement. ;-)

A Love Letter - To my Home Girls

2005-01-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

I guess I am feeling a little on the sappy side. But I'm OK with it. I found a "Thought for the day, on a blog called Suburban Musings. One she did 10/18/04 on a monday. It stood out, so I am adopting her thought, today. Her blog is at http://kathimoore.blogspot.com/

Thought for the day; Be true to yourself, others will disappoint you occasionally, so you have to remember to be good to your own self.

Nothing need be added to that.

Today I was thinking about the friendships I have established, since moving to Arizona, from WA State 4 years ago. And in so doing, I was humbled, and thankful. To come to a state, with my family, and no ties (including no job) was scary, and exciting. Having moved a few times in my teen age years, I was well aware that building friendships in a new area, takes time, effort, and patience. And a sense of self, to get you thru that whole time and patience thing.

Establishing friendships, as an adult, in a new area, is just hard at times. It means puttting yourself out there, taking chances on rejection, and on ocassion being rejected. No one likes to be rejected, it hurts sometimes, even when we may try and block it. But you move on, and keep putting yourself out there. (Definition of "putting yourself out there" : Allowing others in, to see who you really are, bad and good.) You learn by doing that, who your friends really are. I am picky, in that area. I have my criteria, to what a good friend is. This criteria, helps me differentiate, between "good friends' and those that may be ocassional friends, and those I end up lableing as aquantances. Sounds cold, I know. But it isn't. Everyone does this, to one form or another. And when they do (subconsciously, or not) someone on the receiving end, will end up feeling rejected. This little analogy, teaches me one thing. How can we possibly take that rejection too personal? And if we shouldn't take it personally, it should not affect our ability to put ourselves out there. It means, I just didn't fit into their criteria. Which I have no control over.

My definition of a Good Friend

She/He knows my shortcomings, and loves me anyway.
S/H shares from their lives, unafraid to allow me in to see their shortcomings. Knowing I will love them anyway.
S/H knows how to laugh. At a joke, at ME, at themselves. Knowing that I am laughing with them, and they with me.
S/H knows how to give advice, w/o trying to run my life; and with warmth and love.
S/H will love me and accept, even decisions I make that they disagree with.
S/H will cheer for me, and exhort me, even the decisions I make that they disagree with.
S/H will make an attempt, to get to know my spouse, and find somthing that they can like about him, because after all, I love him. There is some good there, if he is her choice.
S/H loves me unconditionally. Whether I have a degree, or not. Whether my house is spotless or not. Whether I am employed, or not. (As is the case at the moment.) Whether I can be available to them at the moment, or not.
S/H forgives my mistakes, because I am human. And as someone who is stumbling thru life, I make a lot of them!
S/H is not afraid to express their love for me, and does. (A hug is worth a thousand words!)

OK, this is not necessarily all inclusive, but it is my basics of friendship. As lofty as some of these are, it is the list I try and follow for BEING a friend, to my friends. I don't always succeed, but I try, and I put myself out there.

I count myself as extremely lucky! to have found a group of friends, that give this to me, as well as accept it from me. This particular group of women are loved by me. And that isn't written lightly. There are things that go unsaid, but I know, that this group loves me. For these friendships I am eternally grateful.

Shelly, you send me inspirational mails, and the good ol' raunchy joke, usually just when I need it. You are real, open and warm. You accepted my husband, and reached out to him. As well as sharing Brian with us. Whom I think is wonderful by the way.

Lori, you're beautiful. You are warm, kind, and caring. Know how to laugh, have a good time, and cry when you feel the need. You're supportive, and allow others to support you. You will find what you're looking for.

Jenny, you have shared your life with me. You have taught me a lot. On the job, as well as personally. Your patience in life, I admire tremendously. You're smart, articulate, and always have a ready smile, and open heart. (And I wanna throw you a baby shower; as soon as we know the sex)

Vickie, you have gone thru a lot in your life. You have had more then your share of turmoil, brought on by people you loved, and still you continue to love, and laugh. You have a zeal for fun, that is infectous. And you are strong and disciplined. Supporting your boys with little to no help, working hard to succeed at your career.

These women, who I admire and care about, are friends that I love, and will always be loyal to. They make me, the lucky person I consider myself. I have other friends in my life, that I value, and treasure and love as well. But this core group, are what make my life, in this beautiful desert, home.They are my adopted family, who I chose, and who chose me. And I pray that God never allows me to take that for granted. They will always own a part of my heart. And they make up the group, I call my homegirls. ( And someday, future Red Hat Society club? lol)

So this post, is dedicated to Shelly, Lori, Jenny, and Vickie. You have me as your ally in life, today and always.

Nightmares & Confessions

2005-01-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning, I woke myself up, with my own muffled cry, from one of those nightmares, that seem so real, you experience pain in the pit of your stomache. I sat up right, looked over at my deeply sleeping spouse, and abrubtly, and not so gently, nudged him awake. And I was angry at him! That bastard had cheated on me! My stomache is still hurting, and I am shaky as he asked me, (still half asleep) "WHAT!? Whud I do?"

To which I cried out, YOU CHEATED ON ME! WITH SOME BLONDE BIMBO, WHO WAS CUTTING YOUR HAIR! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT TO ME!

Now he is completely awake. Wearing this, this isn't fair! look all over his face. Quickly replaced with that condescending, parental role look, that says " I must calm this hysterical woman down." He gently says, "Tamber, it was a dream, I have NOT cheated on you, and I have been laying beside you all night." To which I replied, "But it was SOOOO REAL. My stomache still hurts because of it. My inner thoughts, and superstitions asking me if this is some kinda vision, of what's to come....

This was a brutal awakening (ok, for him too) for someone who doesn't really qualify as awake, until half a pot of coffee is whirling its way thru my system. And now that fact is irritating me, this brutal awakening, on the day of MY special party...It's not fair! I have too much work to do, to ensure my party is fun for all! And now I'm disoriented, irritated. not really awake without my coffee, and STILL my stomache aches! He hugs me, grabs at a body part or two, and reassures me, I am the only woman who "does it" for him. My irritation does start to subside, with the brimming cup of hot coffee, he hands me, in bed.

As we make our way thru the newspaper, and a pot of coffee, my mind is still wandering back to the nightmare. Or more to the point, WHY did I have this nightmare? (Still looking for the hidden meaning, in the dream.)

As superstitious as this sounds, this is somthing that dates all the way back, to when a 9 yr old girl (myself) dreams of shitloads of snakes squirming around, under my very own bed. Completely distraught, I go to mom, for comfort. Mom, a 25 yr old, mother of the 70's, promptly interprets my dream for me. (Since she has read several, dime store self help psycho babble dream interpretation books; she is a pro) She calmly announces to her completely shaken daughter, "you have penis envy. It's no big deal." Oh, but for the wisdom of moms! Now at 41, penis envy doesn't sound like much, and certainly no big deal. But at 9, having never even seen a penis (my little brothers excluded) this is quite traumatic. First, what's envy? Second, I don't think about a penis. Ever. At all. But hey, mom's the pro. And now I am told, my dreams have hidden meanings, and I must just try and figure it out, and then, just let it go. I am sorry to say, that the penis has turned up in my dreams, in one form, or another, ever since then.

So back to the cheating husband...and its hidden meaning.....It took me a few hours, but I did indeed figure out, the TRUE meaning behind this nightmare. I mull the meaning over in my brain, for another hour while getting on my Sex and the City garb, for my party. It's noon by now, and my g/f's will be here in an hour. But it's time to confess the meaning to my wrongly accused husband. Who by now, only has his mind on the various Football games, that are playing, and will be played that very day. And has completely forgotten about the morning's abrupt beginning.

I melodramatically approach him, and announce in dreaded tones, " I know why I had that dream! I have to tell you, get it off my chest, and confess what I have done." ( That last phrase, I knew, got his attention) I continue for added affect, "and you're not going to like it." I feel his sense of urgency now (although this could be for missing a play in his game) as he says "What, just tell me."

" Well, I started a blog. And I wasn't going to tell you about it. I just didn't want you making fun of me, or God forbid critiquing it, or (trigger word here) EDITING it. Since my spouse has worked in Newspapers for 30 years, as an Editor and reporter, this thought brings about panic, and defensiveness. The last thing I would want, is for my professional writing husband, to play editor, on my new hobby. He follows this up, with " I'm not surprised. You were enjoying reading them so much, I assumed you would eventually start one." He reassures me, that 1. He will only read posts, that I want, and ask him to read. 2. That he would never belittle or poke fun at me for it. and 3. Editing, is the last thing on his mind, once he clocks off the job. OK, I experience a little sigh of relief, but....

I continue with, "But there's more. I thought you would feel a sense of betrayal, that I didn't share this with you." Spouse: Not at all. It isn't any big deal. ( This kinda pinches my feelings, as I see my new hobby AS a big deal. But I realize that's probably my PMS doin' the feeling right now. He also is very aware of this being that "special week") So, I just continue with, "Well about my dream, I wrote somthing in a post, that was flippant, and made light of cheating. And I beleive, this is why I dreamt of YOU cheating." So, I let him read THAT post. And he chuckles when he get's to that line, the one that says " A show that we were more faithful to then most of our EX husbands." So in the end, it is just my guilty conscience, and a good friend, who had pointed out that keeping secrets isn't good for a relationship (I'm summing it up here) In case my friend Lee, is reading this and comes back with a "That's not what I said." (More on Lee, and his impact on my thoughts, and actions, in a later post.) At any rate, confessions are good for the soul...and, I am now free, to write whatever I like, whenever I like, without having to look over my shoulder, in fear of being discovered. As if it would even happen during football season anyway.

SEX PARTY UPDATE

Fun was had by all! The outfits were ALL fantastic! And Lori (who is 44 and looks 30) won the prize! She found the best little top (sheer & white) which she wore a black bra under that screamed Carrie! It was awsome. Shelly, brought her significant other Brian along, to keep my husband Kevin company. We watched Sex, and played Sex trivia in between episodes. Seems our memories for details arn't as strong as we all assumed they would be. The last 4 episodes had Jenny (who is newly pregnant) , Vickie, (recently broken up with b/f she was in love with) and Lori (who is seeing a married man) sobbing sporadically, during them. I'm not going to bother to analyze the sobbing right now. It's a woman thing, I think. How do I know they had fun? They all said so, in between sobs. Afterwards Kevin built a bon-fire out in the back yard, where we continued to drink, chat, laugh, and tentatively plan other get togethers. I sent the barely eaten on, obligatory fruit platter, and a third of a choc. cake home with Jenny. She's pregnant, with young kids, they'll eat the cake, and Jenny needs the vitamins from the fruit. And I won't have to watch the fruit slowly rot, in my fridge for a week. We ended the evening with a slow soak in the jacuzzi, before falling alseep in front of the TV. To a middle-aged couple, this was a sucessful, social gathering.

Sex, Taco Salad, and Cosmo's

2005-01-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

Saturday, I am throwing an intimate little party! My kids (all 3 of them) will be with their father, having a good time skiing. I couldn't be happier for them!! While they are away playing, mom will be too. One of my favorite guilty pleasures will be indulged on Saturday.

Yes, I'm talkin' bout those 4 gals from New York City; Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte! My girlfriends (from the office I worked at for a couple of years)and myself, have been mourning the loss of Sex and the City for months! But a wonderful thing happened on December 28th 2004, their Season 6 Part 2 DVD, (8 whole episodes) set came out! We have passed around the prior 6 sets over the last 2 months, watching hours at a time. And now, we are coming together to watch The End.

This is bittersweet, because we all know, there will be no more tales from the big city sluts, whom we all love and adore. I know this by itself, doesn't sound too tacky. But my personal touches to this gathering have made it the truly tacky event it will be. And I can't wait!

For starters, there will only be two drinks served, Cosmopolitans, and appletini's. (OK, I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but I know what I'm saying.) The signature drinks of the girls. Next, I'm making a FABULOUS (gotta love that word!) taco salad. And the obligatory fruit platter, so we feel like we're cutting a few calories. And, all of my homegirls will dress metro (slutty, loud, trendy, whatever you want to call it) and I am giving a really kewl gift to the best outfit! (and yes I realize we're going into tacky territory) But I'm not done yet! We will also be breaking out the Sex and the City Trivia game, for which there will also be another really kewl gift.
We feel this all day party, is fitting, for saying good bye, to a show we have been more faithful to, then most of our Ex husbands. And between the 5 of us, we have 8 EX-husbands.( Some of us have a few more Ex's then others.) I'm off track...oh well, it's my blog.

And I'm excited! It has taken every bit of self discipline I could muster, to NOT watch the DVD's prior to Saturday. A foolish promise I made in haste, at our last lunch. Yes just like those fabulous girls from Sex, we have lunch every other week. Where we catch up on who's sleeping with who, who is officially a "couple", and who's Ex is giving them a hard time at the moment. The girls from Sex, also had us running out to Fascinations (our local sex toy store) looking for stimulating toys. They have widened our horizons! Opened up areas kept secret, for many years. How could we NOT love the girls from Sex! So for one day we will honor, and toast, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. It will be a bittersweet moment, when we watch them, hop into various beds for the last time.

Suspicions Confirmed

2005-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

I made it to parent/teacher conferences yesterday. Gee I'm glad I did...It started with Mrs. M welcoming me with a smile and "come in, sit down!" Big grin, deep breath, and then "Well RILEY."( heavy sigh) "What can I say, I'm deeply concerned." I already KNEW that was coming, so I followed it up with "So am I". Mrs. M : "I'm at my wits end, with what to do about Riley"

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that, so I give her one more wimpy "so am I".
We have had many conversations since the beginning of the school year, and I know this top notch teacher, puts her all into her job. (No child left behind, that's Mrs. M) And if anyone is going to thwart her efforts, it will be Riley. It seems he is in very real danger of not going on to 4th grade. Which was my suspicion before entering her classroom. Riley IS smart. Riley IS creative. Riley has the face of an angel. (Riley knows it too) Riley also is lazy, self indulgent, spoiled, and stubborn( I know, a lot of those are my fault). Not a good combination. We then spend 10 minutes coming to the conclusion, that Riley is NOT ADD. He does NOT have any learning disabilities. She has watched him (as I have) draw the most intricate of pictures. For long periods of time. So at the close of this unenlightening conference, I'm left feeling overwhelmed, and unequipped. Much like Riley has made Mrs. M feel all year long.

So now, we begin the uphill battle, of lowering the boom. We have tried the reward method, the positive affirmations, the "There are consequences to all our actions" lecture. The time to grow up lecture. And he tries to find loopholes in every avenue all of us have taken. His debating, and arguing skills were finetuned. He would be a great lawyer some day, if he manages to get out of the 3rd grade. So we are left with what to do now. His stepfather and I have decided he IS going to summer school. Period. He doesn't know it yet, although in the past we have told him this may be the case, if things didn't change. What is left to us, is the threat of being held back. And we're playing that card, this week. So again, I'm on my knees in prayer, that he will respond, and snap out of it!

Nothing I have done in life, that was hard, or a lot of work, has ever compared to the work being a parent is. I haven't been able to find any "black and white" answers, on a fool proof way to successfully raise healthy, happy, well adjusted kids. And I have tried MANY varieties of dime store, self-help psycho babble books! I mean I have taken their principles and put them into action, with minimal results. Our family life revolves around Riley and his homework 4 nights a week. We give him Friday night off. And have him read 20 minutes a day Saturday and Sunday. Outloud. To one of us.
What comes to my mind, is that cliche saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink". Having ridden horses for many years, this is true, they won't until they are ready.

Riley's penchant for play, is serious business to him. And he doesn't want school work interferring with it.

I have seen mild changes in him over the last couple of months. He is being more respectful towards all family members. He is doing his homework without having to spend 30 minutes arguing with him about it. And his spelling has improved a little. So there is hope.

I did tell Mrs. M what Riley said about spending more time with her, during the school week, then with his parents. And it WAS Mrs. M that pointed that out. Although she said she pointed it out to the whole class, not just Riley. And somehow I managed to find comfort in that...

Mrs. M, not wanting me to leave totally discouraged, and disillusioned, tried to tell a positive Riley story. But in so doing also let slip that she has had a few conversations with the principal about Riley. It seems the principal wanted to tell a "joke of the day" over the intercom, and the jokes were to come from students. Riley, who Mrs. M cannot get to sit and listen to instructions for 5 minutes,without his eyes glazing over from boredom, was the first in line to give the principal a joke. And according to Mrs. M, it was a good joke, and was the first one used. (She didn't tell me what the joke was though) So this is what she offered up for me to take pride in. I'm not trying to minimize his "accomplishments", but....the best she could offer was a joke?

Well as my father has always said ( actually ONLY after he got all of his kids raised) This too, shall pass. So that will be my mantra for the week. Between my corny, cliche quote, and possibly a 5th of vodka, Riley and I will survive the week.

By Accident

2005-01-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

I set this up, just to be able to post, on another blog...quite by accident. I don't believe I have anything significant to say, or that anyone would care to read. Barring the ocassional comment on SOMEONE ELSES blog. But OK, I'm spontaneous!
And running late for my son's Parent/Teacher conference...so this is going to be short. As much as I would rather skip the conference, unfortunately conferences were invented, for kids just like my son....so missing it would mean denying his teacher the opportunity to vent about her frustrations in dealing with him, during the school week. As he pointed out the other evening at dinner; I see my teacher more in a day then I see you. I am starting to wonder if HE came to that conclusion, or if his teacher (bless her heart) pointed it out to him, in a fit of frustration. This isn't going to be interesting, it's going to be pure torture for me, as I struggle to come up with some logical explanation for his stubborn, "I refuse to be accountable for my actions" attitude. He is a lovable kid, he just plainly states, "I don't want to grow up, and I'm not going to." He's 9 yrs old, and has the sense of responsibility of a 3 yr old. (I hope he never reads this!) Wishful thinking on MY part, as getting him to read, is almost as hard as getting him to shower. Ok, I have vented enough, it's Mrs. M's turn! God help me.....